It’s Not You, It’s Me

October 21, 2015

in Uncategorized

On Monday I talked about how much of what your husband thinks and feels about you is more about him than about you.

This is also true in reverse: much of what you think and feel about him is more about you, your past, and your issues, than it is about him. 

Woman pointing at herself © bruno135_406 |

I know it’s no fun to consider this; I certainly didn’t like it when I realised this was true of how I look at my incredible bride. I want my frustrations with her to be her fault! When I feel disrespected or short-changed, I want it to be because she is wrong. When my feelings are hurt, the last thing I want to consider is that I might have misinterpreted or over reacted. I want it to be all about her and not at all about me.

Of course, Lori is no more perfect than your husband is, and some of it is about her. However, the more I look at it honestly, the more I realise less than half of it is her on the vast majority of occasions. Maybe if I get really serious about dealing with my stuff, someday it will be mostly her… but I doubt it.

Being honest with myself about my issues and how they play into what Lori says and does makes life better for both of us. She does the same, which also helps. Give it a try; it’s not fun, but the results are great.

~ Paul – I’m XY, and far too often it’s all about me :-(

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{ 5 comments… read them below or add one }

B October 21, 2015 at 8:17 pm

My husband hates being wrong. He always wants it to be about me. My problem, my issues. He is very unwilling to think it might be him. On the flip side, he doesn’t like me taking blame for things that aren’t my fault. It’s confusing and aggravating!

The other thing that drives me crazy is how when we argue, he’ll just up and leave. Usually I’ll stop him, but he always says “I’m going outside.” Or “I’m going to the car.” He might as well just scream “YOU ARE NOT WORTH TALKING TO. YOU ARE NOT WORTH WASTING MY BREATH! I DETEST YOU.” Because let’s face it, we all know that’s what he’s thinking.

He can talk to his boss or engineers or the guys that work for him ALL DAY LONG. But conflict with me is too exhausting? Gee thanks! Glad to know I’m worth far less than men at work.


Paul Byerly October 22, 2015 at 7:21 am

@B – I is possible he is unable to keep up with you and feels overwhelmed. If so, it’s not that you are not worth the effort, he just feels unable. If you could slow down a bit he might be able to keep up.
I could be wrong, but I see this in men often.
Paul Byerly recently posted…When a Control Freak Runs an RV ParkMy Profile


B October 22, 2015 at 9:55 am

Hi Paul,
Maybe. But how can a strong man who can run huge construction projects not keep up with his wife? I’d like to think I’m softer and easier to deal with than a couple crews of strong willed construction workers. It makes no sense.


Paul Byerly October 23, 2015 at 7:36 am

@B – But you think and speak female, and it’s not the same thing. Women are more verbal and can flood a guy over. He may feel his only options are to run you down or back away. If so, withdrawing is the kinder, more loving choice.
If this is the case, the two of you need to learn to communicate in a way he can follow.
Paul Byerly recently posted…Friday Flashback: Dinner Out, or Sex?My Profile


Dan October 27, 2015 at 12:10 pm

One thing to keep in mind, when he’s talking to them he’s the boss and he gets to win. Things will go his way. He doesn’t have that assurance with you. It may be better to bug out and leave things hanging as is than agree to a solution that causes him to compromise in a way he doesn’t want. Also, if he leaves, the discussion can’t escalate into an argument and he may not want the confrontation. You’re the one who has the problem and wants it solved, not him. If it were his problem he’d bring it up. But since he has nothing to fix, he doesn’t want to hang in there. Of course, in reality your problems ARE his problems too. In a marriage, all problems are jointly owned at some point. The old saw, “Happy wife, happy life” has it’s male counterpart.
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