On Monday I talked about how much of what your husband thinks and feels about you is more about him than about you.
This is also true in reverse: much of what you think and feel about him is more about you, your past, and your issues, than it is about him.
I know it’s no fun to consider this; I certainly didn’t like it when I realised this was true of how I look at my incredible bride. I want my frustrations with her to be her fault! When I feel disrespected or short-changed, I want it to be because she is wrong. When my feelings are hurt, the last thing I want to consider is that I might have misinterpreted or over reacted. I want it to be all about her and not at all about me.
Of course, Lori is no more perfect than your husband is, and some of it is about her. However, the more I look at it honestly, the more I realise less than half of it is her on the vast majority of occasions. Maybe if I get really serious about dealing with my stuff, someday it will be mostly her… but I doubt it.
Being honest with myself about my issues and how they play into what Lori says and does makes life better for both of us. She does the same, which also helps. Give it a try; it’s not fun, but the results are great.
~ Paul – I’m XY, and far too often it’s all about me
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