I talk to plenty men and women about sex. Mostly on-line, some in person. Much of what I hear is gender skewed. Women see sex one way, men see it another. Women see men and their sexuality a certain way, while men see it another. Likewise for how women and their sexuality is seen by both genders.
I know some of this is because men and women are radically different, especially with regards to sex. Our bodies are constructed differently and our brains are wired differently. I’ve discussed this reality a good deal here. However, I see something else at play.
Men talk about sex with each other starting before puberty. Long before any of us had been in the same room with a less than fully clothed member of the opposite sex, we were filled with all kind of ideas and “facts” about sex, including how women are, what they do and don’t do, and what they want and don’t want. This “education” is rather schizophrenic; on the one hand, we get the total lies of porn, while on the other hand we learn women are uptight gatekeepers and we need to learn how to coax, beg, or pry sex from them. It’s not good, and I suspect every one of you has suffered something because of this blue glasses view of sex.
Of course, there’s also a pink glasses view of sex, and it too is problematic. This view includes things such as:
- Sex is mostly/just for men.
- All men are over sexed.
- Men don’t care about women’s sexual pleasure.
- Good girls don’t want sex much.
- Good girls don’t enjoy sex much.
- Most of what men want to do sexually is perverted and wrong.
- Men only care about how a woman looks.
- If you always say yes, you’re being taken advantage of.
- Sex is to be used to get, keep, or control a man.
- Sex is just for making babies.
- Certain positions or acts are inherently gross, sinful, or disrespectful to women.
While some of these are true to some degree for some people, none of them even close to universal, and many of them are only true because of wrong teaching or injury.
I often hear these things, and the logical extensions of these things, when women talk about sex. I’ve seen it on occasion in the comments on this blog. I get why it happens, but I also see how it hurts couple’s sex lives and marriages. It cheats both the husband and the wife out of some or much of the pleasure and connection sex should bring them. These things are lies, and nothing good comes from them.
A few suggestions:
- Think though your knee jerk sexual thoughts and reactions. Are they backed by truth, or might they be lies feed to you so often you have believed them?
- Discuss these things with your husband. You’ll learn some things, as will he. Odds are you will both have lies exposed.
- Discuss these things with a female friend or friends. Beyond helping you, this will help others.
- When you hear one of these lies in the future, please speak up. Don’t allow other women to suffer as you have!
Speaking of talking with women about sex: Earlier this week Lori and I had a chance to meet Julie, who does the exceptional Intimacy In Marriage blog. Julie has been blogging for over five and a half years. She writes to women about sex from a Christian standpoint. If you want a better sex life, regardless of how good or poor it is now, I highly recommend this blog. Julie is passionate about the issue, and she knows her subject well.