The Pink Glasses View of Sex

October 23, 2015

in Uncategorized

I talk to plenty men and women about sex. Mostly on-line, some in person. Much of what I hear is gender skewed. Women see sex one way, men see it another. Women see men and their sexuality a certain way, while men see it another. Likewise for how women and their sexuality is seen by both genders.

I know some of this is because men and women are radically different, especially with regards to sex. Our bodies are constructed differently and our brains are wired differently. I’ve discussed this reality a good deal here. However, I see something else at play.

Sex through pink glasses  © ferdiperdozniy |

Men talk about sex with each other starting before puberty. Long before any of us had been in the same room with a less than fully clothed member of the opposite sex, we were filled with all kind of ideas and “facts” about sex, including how women are, what they do and don’t do, and what they want and don’t want. This “education” is rather schizophrenic; on the one hand, we get the total lies of porn, while on the other hand we learn women are uptight gatekeepers and we need to learn how to coax, beg, or pry sex from them. It’s not good, and I suspect every one of you has suffered something because of this blue glasses view of sex.

Of course, there’s also a pink glasses view of sex, and it too is problematic. This view includes things such as:

  • Sex is mostly/just for men.
  • All men are over sexed.
  • Men don’t care about women’s sexual pleasure. 
  • Good girls don’t want sex much.
  • Good girls don’t enjoy sex much.
  • Most of what men want to do sexually is perverted and wrong.
  • Men only care about how a woman looks.
  • If you always say yes, you’re being taken advantage of.
  • Sex is to be used to get, keep, or control a man.
  • Sex is just for making babies.
  • Certain positions or acts are inherently gross, sinful, or disrespectful to women.

While some of these are true to some degree for some people, none of them even close to universal, and many of them are only true because of wrong teaching or injury. 

I often hear these things, and the logical extensions of these things, when women talk about sex. I’ve seen it on occasion in the comments on this blog. I get why it happens, but I also see how it hurts couple’s sex lives and marriages. It cheats both the husband and the wife out of some or much of the pleasure and connection sex should bring them. These things are lies, and nothing good comes from them.

A few suggestions:

  1. Think though your knee jerk sexual thoughts and reactions. Are they backed by truth, or might they be lies feed to you so often you have believed them?
  2. Discuss these things with your husband. You’ll learn some things, as will he. Odds are you will both have lies exposed.
  3. Discuss these things with a female friend or friends. Beyond helping you, this will help others.
  4. When you hear one of these lies in the future, please speak up. Don’t allow other women to suffer as you have!

Paul, Lori, and Julie © Paul H. ByerlySpeaking of talking with women about sex: Earlier this week Lori and I had a chance to meet Julie, who does the exceptional Intimacy In Marriage blog. Julie has been blogging for over five and a half years. She writes to women about sex from a Christian standpoint. If you want a better sex life, regardless of how good or poor it is now, I highly recommend this blog. Julie is passionate about the issue, and she knows her subject well. 


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{ 4 comments… read them below or add one }

Dan October 27, 2015 at 11:55 am

And that’s why all of us author the blogs we do. We all want to develop greater understanding between the sexes and help build better-functioning and fulfilling marital relationships. Well yeah, we all want great sex too, but without the former, you can’t have the latter.
Dan recently posted…Quickie: When size doesn’t matter — Stop Bullying PerfectionMy Profile


Paul Byerly October 28, 2015 at 9:33 am

@Dan – I love the great variety of blogs out there!
BTW, your post linked from your comment is great.
Paul Byerly recently posted…Write it DownMy Profile


Dee November 14, 2015 at 9:52 am

I am a woman and I’d like to put in my two cents worth. Society and the media are NOT doing men any favors. The constant barrage of sexual images is what is emasculating men. The media sends the message that sex is just a sport – and a SELF sport at that!!! That men should masturbate, men should have sex with just anybody (male or female) that is WILLING and able. That there is NOTHING sacred about sex. That sex is just a body function, a physical need. Like peeing. This attitude that is being pushed on men and men in turn adopt it,<<<<that's what kills many a woman's sex drive.

I believe most wives can overcome bad teaching, but they can't overcome a husband's bad attitude.

It's going to take strong men to stand up and be positive for sex as being holy, sacred, private, and mutual between a wife and husband.


Paul Byerly November 14, 2015 at 5:06 pm

@Dee – No argument with any of what you said.
And it’s even more insidious, because the lies told to women don’t play well with the lies told to men. Either way, the two sets of lies reinforce each other or lead to all out war. Either way everyone loses.
Paul Byerly recently posted…Grown-Up SexMy Profile


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