Sex Toys, or Sex Tools?

October 30, 2015

in Uncategorized

A few weeks ago we did a survey on sex toys. We found the majority of our readers have no problem with Christians using sex toys. Only 1% of men and 2% of women were sure it’s wrong while 5% of men and 7% of women said they were not sure, but it felt wrong to them. The full survey results are on TMB, and you can read what I said to the men last Saturday if you like.

What I’d like to do here is suggest why sex toys might be a good idea for your marriage. I realise this may seem a bit presumptuous. I bring it up because the “acceptance” of sex toys was significantly higher than use.

If your sex life is just fine without toys, great. Have a nice day and join me on Monday. However, if you or your husband struggle with sex in any way, toys might help a great deal.

It’s unfortunate we call these things “toys”. It makes them sound like fun but frivolous extras. For some couples “toys” are tools that make sex possible. For others, they make sex far better than it could be without “sex tools”. Here are a few common sex problems and some sex tool solutions. I’ve put affiliate links at the bottom for those interested.

Sex TOOLS! © gustavofrazao |


Problem: Getting aroused is a significant problem for some women. Some want sex, but struggle to get aroused enough to do it and enjoy it.

Solution: A vibrator of some sort can be a big help here. For some a vibe is a warm up tool, set aside when arousal has been accomplished.

Solution: There are also suction devices designed to help pull blood into the vulva, which is what happens during arousal. One such product, the Eros Device, was given FDA approval fifteen years ago. The Eros had solid test results, but never caught on for some reason, and doesn’t seem to be available anymore. There are some over the counter suction devices made for the vulva or clitoris, but finding a good one can be tricky.


Problem: A lack of vaginal lubrication isn’t a good thing, and it can ruin an otherwise nice romp in the sheets. Dryness can happen for many reasons, and can be a problem even when a woman is ready and willing. One recent study found women and men both report sex is more enjoyable with added lube.

Solution: The sex tool every couple should own is a lubricant. A few drops can make all the difference. In addition to being used for intercourse, a lube makes manual stimulation better for either of you.


Problem: Erection issues can be a show stopper, or at least force a change in direction. Inability to get an erection is a warning sign your hubby needs to see a doctor ASAP. However, occasional difficulty getting or keeping an erection firm enough for intercourse can be caused by all manner of things including being tired, being stressed, or having a bit too much to drink.

Solution: A penis ring is a stretchy doughnut placed around the base of the erect or semi-erect penis. The ring keeps blood in the penis, keeping it firm and often making it firmer. Sometimes this is enough to make intercourse possible when it would otherwise not be. Other times it takes away worry. Some men who have no difficulty with erection find a ring makes them harder, which feels better.

Never use a solid ring, or one with a catch or latch. It needs to be something easily removed. It is commonly suggested a ring not be kept in place for more than half an hour.


Problem: A few blessed women never struggle reaching climax, but this is rare. Some women have no problem most of the time, but occasionally it seems impossible or just not worth the time and effort. Some women find there are a few days each cycle when it’s difficult to impossible, while others have only a few days a cycle when it’s easy. Regardless, getting all worked up and not finishing is no fun. This problem can limit sex because who wants to try when the odds of failure are high?

Solution: For most women a vibrator is the surest path to climax. Once hubby knows how to use it, the risk of not finishing is eliminated or greatly reduced. Finding the right vibrator can be tricky, and it seems there’s a good deal of personal preference. The “winner” in every survey I’ve seen, including the one we just did, is the Hitachi Magic Wand. This is a powerful plug-in vibrator with deeper vibrations than the battery versions.

Orgasm During Intercourse

Problem: Some women never will, some aren’t always up for the effort, and some find it hit or miss.

Solution: Placing a small bullet or egg vibe between your bodies during face to face sex gives you extra stimulation. He will feel it too, and most men say they really like it. For some women, this is the only way to climax during intercourse, while for others is takes the work or worry out of it.

~ Paul – I’m XY, and I’m all about tools!

Links: These links are Amazon affiliate links. The images for the products are free of people and parts of people, and the “Those who bought this also bought” links were okay when I checked them. Amazon does not show full nudity, but it is possible to see some scantily clad bodies in some product images. You can find most of these products at drug stores or Walmart near the condoms.

Silicon Lube
Water Based Lube
Coconut Oil (some folks swear by this stuff)
Hitachi Magi Wand

Egg vibrator
Rabbit vibrator
Vibrating dildos
G-spot vibrator
Penis Ring

Vulva Pump – The “also bought” links on this one are questionable, but no nudity.

Links may be monetised
Image Credit: © gustavofrazao |

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{ 18 comments… read them below or add one }

anon October 30, 2015 at 3:16 am

What about use of sex tools if husband is away on business or military leave.?


Paul Byerly October 30, 2015 at 10:16 am

@anon – I can find nothing in the Bible to prevent this so long as he is the person between you ears while you do it. I also think it’s good to discuss it so he knows – most men will be all for it.
For women sex can be a use it or forget about it thing, so keeping the fire going while he’s away is actually a good thing for your sex life.
Paul Byerly recently posted…Friday Flashback: Silly Gifts She Keeps ForeverMy Profile


IntimacySeeker October 30, 2015 at 6:58 am

The change in terminology (tool rather than toy) could be helpful for those who have trouble thinking of sex as playful. A tool is only as effective as the skill of the user. This line of thinking could help those who feel they are being replaced by the toy/tool. Rather than being replaced, they are expanding their repertoire. Thanks for educating us.


Paul Byerly October 30, 2015 at 10:12 am

@IntimacySeeker – Exactly right. The tool is not doing anything other than helping the person using it be more effective.
Paul Byerly recently posted…Friday Flashback: Silly Gifts She Keeps ForeverMy Profile


Rosemary October 30, 2015 at 7:54 am

“Toy” does sound a little frivolous, but to my ear “tool” goes too far in the other direction. Too much connection to the idea of home repairs, I think. Maybe “accessories”?
Rosemary recently posted…Your Marriage on TV?My Profile


Paul Byerly October 30, 2015 at 10:00 am

@Rosemary – Yup, I male minded it.
Accessories is okay, but not exactly what I was thinking of. So what word would work better? …
Paul Byerly recently posted…Friday Flashback: Silly Gifts She Keeps ForeverMy Profile


Shy Girl October 30, 2015 at 10:36 am

I use an egg vibe almost every time during intercourse. I call it sex insurance or sex aid. It makes me more interested in frequent sex because the aid makes it easier for me to get there. Thankful for a hubby who doesn’t have a problem with it!


Paul Byerly October 31, 2015 at 6:49 pm

@Shy Girl – Exactly!
Paul Byerly recently posted…Sex: Beyond the Physical PartMy Profile


Rosemary October 31, 2015 at 4:13 pm

Rosemary recently posted…Your Marriage on TV?My Profile


Paul Byerly October 31, 2015 at 6:51 pm

@Rosemary – Maybe gadgets. My thinking is for some they are more than extras, they are important or necessary.
Paul Byerly recently posted…Sex: Beyond the Physical PartMy Profile


Sex-neutral woman November 2, 2015 at 10:21 am

“My thinking is for some they are more than extras, they are important or necessary.”

First, Paul, let me say that I have no problems with the concept of Christian use of sex toys, and fully support your suggestion that these be used to enhance marriages when appropriate. No problems with this individual post from me.

But, I want to play devil’s advocate with the above quoted mindset, and how it plays out logically in relation to the entirety of the message from the “sex-positve” movement. If God provides for our needs, and vibrators are necessary for some couples to have a mutually satisfying sex life, what does that say about the thousands of years before humans had electricity, batteries, or sex toys? Did God not provide for the needs of all marriages until the last century? Or is it that mutually satisfying sex with orgasm is not actually a marital need?

Although I agree with you that the Bible does not speak against the use of sex toys, the mere fact that something is necessary for orgasm does not support the argument that it is good or necessary for marriage. According to David Schnarch, reaching the O threshhold requires a combination of sufficient physical stimulation, plus sufficient psychological stimulation. I cannot O without using inappropriate fantasy for psychological stimulation, but that doesn’t make such activity necessary in my marriage.

I am so thankful that you recognize women are not all created equal, and marriages are not all created equal, and you usually don’t get preachy about it. When other “pro-sex” bloggers insist “Sex is not supposed to be BLAH” it only serves to make the women God didn’t bless very much feel sad and dysfunctional. It can foster resentment that may lead to driving a further wedge. When bloggers or forum participant suggest that you are a failure as a wife if you can’t get excited about sex, that really hurts.

Christian pro-sex bloggers and web sites tend to offer a lot of advice about physical stimulation for women, but mostly ignore the psychological stimulation for women. I can easily find on TMB site (and your blogs and forum) many tips for psychologically enhancing a man’s experience and playing to a man’s natural attraction cues, but where are the tips for psychologically enhancing a woman’s experience? I don’t readily see even a page about tips for men on how to (and how not to) initiate.


Paul Byerly November 2, 2015 at 12:08 pm

@Sex-neutral woman – To your last point first, this is a common point made to the men over on Or consider this tweet I sent out Oct 31st: “It is NORMAL for a woman to stop wanting sex when her marriage relationship is poor.”
Enhancing a woman’s experience is not nearly as much about the sexual as it is the mental, emotional, and relational. This is what I tell men all the time.

Second, I would never “suggest that you are a failure as a wife if you can’t get excited about sex”. I would suggest there is a problem, and while it might be physical or a lack of understanding about how to have sex (which could be him, her or both) it very well may be about the relationship.

As to your first point, people use to die because they did not have medical care we consider basic today. Others were unable to walk or do other things we do easily today because of so many advances. Does this mean God did not care about those folks in the past? I don’t think so.
Paul Byerly recently posted…The Power of RitualMy Profile


IntimacySeeker October 30, 2015 at 12:38 pm

@Rosemary As one married to a carpenter, I had the same inclination about “tools.” They are used to repair things that are broken and require fixing. Not how I like to think of myself. It helped to frame my thinking in terms of our toolbox as in our skillset. But that still connects with work and career. It will be fun to see if we come up with a more captivating term. :-)


Stephen Howe October 31, 2015 at 5:49 am

I don’t know, tool sounds good to me. I made our bed with tools, I redid the bathtub/sink with tools, I could see tools being used to build a better sex like with my wife. :)


Paul Byerly October 31, 2015 at 7:08 am

Seems to be split on gender lines.
Paul Byerly recently posted…Sex: Beyond the Physical PartMy Profile


Amy October 30, 2015 at 9:05 pm

Sex Enhancer!

I know it enhances the experience for my hubby and I when we incorporate a vibrator. ;)
Amy recently posted…Take heart and have hope…My Profile


IntimacySeeker November 1, 2015 at 3:43 pm

I like the term “enhancer.” To enhance is to intensify, increase, or further improve the quality of…


Paul Byerly November 2, 2015 at 8:15 am

@Amy & IntimacySeeker: I’ll third the motion!
Paul Byerly recently posted…The Power of RitualMy Profile


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