Hating Porn

November 13, 2015

in Uncategorized

When I meet with men, the issue of porn usually comes up. This happened with a few men I was talking with recently. Every man there had seen plenty of porn. Every man still felt a pull, at least on occasion. And every man there hated porn a great deal. They all wished they had never seen it, and I think every one of them would honestly like to never see it again. They all had a good idea how porn had messed up their thinking, hurt their wife, and damaged their sex life. And yet, as I said, they still feel a pull to porn. How can this be?

For I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate.” [Romans 7:15 ESV]

This verse so perfectly explains how many men feel about porn. 

I hate porn!! © zirconicusso | freedigitalphotos.net

We talk about how the women in porn are victims. And some are. We talk about how porn hurts our wives. And it does. What we don’t talk about is how the men who view it are hurt, and how they too are victims. Porn grabs a man’s eyes and drags him where he doesn’t want to go. I’m not saying he has no choice, and I’m certainly not trying to excuse his actions, but he is very much a victim. Porn is carefully crafted to appeal to a man. It’s no different than the way food is crafted to plug into our deepest food cravings. Every overweight person is responsible for eating more than they should, but companies exploiting our desires to make a profit are part of the problem. 

If your husband is trying not to look at porn, I suspect he hates porn. You may find it hard to believe, but he may well hate it more than you do. This makes any “slip” all the more horrible for him. Reread Romans 7:15. Read down to verse 24 “O wretched man that I am!” Hear the self-loathing and torment of a man doing something he hates, something he wants never to do again.

Of course, God is the answer. However, in the spirit of what I said Wednesday, good friends can help. Even more, you can help. One way to do this is to get past his porn struggle being about you. It’s not about you. It’s not about how you look, how often you have sex, or what you will or will not do in bed. Porn is a horrible perversion of the gift of sex God gave to you and your husband. Porn is one more tool the enemy uses to limit your marriage. If his porn struggle makes you adversaries, you both lose.

What he needs to know is you hate porn and love him. You hate it when he uses porn, but you don’t hate him when he uses porn. He needs to know you have some understanding he also hates it. He wants you to know it’s not about you. 

Ultimately, beating porn comes down to him and God. However, as his wife, your attitudes have great power to help or hurt his chances. 

~ Paul – I’m XY, and I know if I were still struggling with porn my wife would be on my side and helping me in any way possible. 

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{ 4 comments… read them below or add one }

libl November 13, 2015 at 11:37 am

What if he doesn’t necessarily hate pornography? If I wouldn’t go ballistic on him, he’d probably indulge in it more regularly, despite professing to be a Christian. My horror doesn’t stop him from watching graphic TV shows and movies.

I wish he hated it as much as God does. I wish if a scene popped up he was so convicted it hurt and he couldn’t watch it much longer instead of no big dealing it and watching it anyway.

I feel violated, cheated and he thinks I am over reacting and being ridiculous.

I should have listened to him when we were dating with intent to marry and he said his sexuality was none of my business and walked away. Because apparently it still isn’t.

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Paul Byerly November 14, 2015 at 6:37 am

@libl – Some men don’t, and it’s a horrible thing for such a man’s wife. I’m so sorry.
Paul Byerly recently posted…Grown-Up SexMy Profile

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IntimacySeeker November 13, 2015 at 11:38 am

“Even more, you can help. One way to do this is to get past his porn struggle being about you. It’s not about you. It’s not about how you look, how often you have sex, or what you will or will not do in bed. ”

This is another example of loving detachment and breaking the chains of codependency. Both parties are free to heal and grow.

Reply

Paul Byerly November 14, 2015 at 6:38 am

@IntimacySeeker – Exactly right. Of course, it’s not easy…
Paul Byerly recently posted…Grown-Up SexMy Profile

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