I’m Going to Grow Up; I Hope You Do Too.

November 16, 2015

in Uncategorized

Recently wonderful Lori and I were ranting about couples where each one is waiting for the other to make a change. I said what was needed was for either one to say,  “I’m Going to Grow Up; I Hope You Do Too.”

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Yes, I’m encouraging you to choose to grow up regardless of what your husband does. But I want to tackle something more today. I hear women complain their husband is just one more kid for whom they care. I think some exaggerate, but I’ve seen some couples where there is way too much truth in those words.

So what do you do if you’re tired of being his mother? I suggest you stop. No warning, no ultimatum, no rant, just stop. Do what you would do if he acted like a grown up and let the card fall where they may. Treat him like an adult and let him figure out how to deal with it. If he complains, tell him you realised you were treating him like a kid and you’re working to stop doing that.

~ Paul – I’m XY, and I think my wife is more mature than I. But, I’m working on it!

Based on recent comments, this week’s survey is Is Your Love Making Noisy?   

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{ 6 comments… read them below or add one }

IntimacySeeker November 16, 2015 at 8:02 am

I think there is more to this under the surface of your very excellent advice. In my experience, when I stopped treating my husband like a child I also stopped complaining about his behavior, which meant I had more time and energy for more positive, healthy activities. Our energy levels are affected not just by our activities, but also by our thoughts and words.


Paul Byerly November 16, 2015 at 5:02 pm

@IntimacySeeker – I think in part it’s deciding we are no longer responsible for their behaviour. Feeling responsible when you have no power of control is exhausting. (Lori has never been this way, but I had a girlfriend who was.)
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IntimacySeeker November 17, 2015 at 7:10 am

Very true. Been there, done that. In addition to the exhaustion, there is narcissism and disrespect. Feeling responsible for another’s behavior is in some ways reflecting that I think their behavior is about me and what I do. Trying to control another reflects my opinion that I think they lack the resources or wisdom to make healthy decisions, recover from their issues, learn from their mistakes.

Flip side, reacting and responding is part of relationship. Identifying healthy boundaries is interesting work.


Paul Byerly November 17, 2015 at 10:46 am

@IntimacySeeker: Excellent thoughts all around. Don’t you wish we;d know this stuff when we got married?
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IntimacySeeker November 17, 2015 at 1:55 pm

I have thought that, but somehow I’m sure it wouldn’t work that way. We have to live it to learn it, and there is joy in the discoveries along the way.

I DO think marriage counseling should be a natural, ongoing part of our lives together. Waiting until the problems seem insurmountable on our own usually leaves a lot of undoing to be tackled before we can begin moving forward. We wouldn’t dream of not having our teeth cleaned every six months, our oil changed regularly, etc. I know some clergy who see therapists regularly as part of maintaining a healthy lifestyle. Very smart choice there.


Paul Byerly November 18, 2015 at 11:35 am

@IntimacySeeker – I agree with you on regular counseling for our marriages. I have a post about that very thing over on TGH on Sunday.
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