Hating His Sex Drive

November 20, 2015

in Uncategorized

This is not about you hating his sex drive; it’s about him hating it.

Man accusing himself © Minerva Studio | dollarphotoclub.com

Lori and I like to do a switched ask-me-anything in small gatherings. We have the husbands and wives go to separate rooms. Lori starts with the women, I talk with the men. Then we switch; the women ask me anything, and the men ask Lori. It’s fun, challenging, and it helps us understand what couples are dealing with.

Recently when I was being grilled by a group of women, one asked me if going a while without sex is really as bad as men make it out to be. I tried to express the reality fairly and accurately, saying many of the things I’ve said here about this issue.

Then I surprised the ladies by saying a lot of men hate their sexuality. I said many of us think of it as the monkey on our back and we wish we could just turn it off at times.

When sex was a huge problem for Lori and me, I’d have given anything to turn my sex drive off for a few months. Less frustration for me, less pain for her. Other times when I’d like to be able to pull the plug are when I’m dead tired but know I will have a difficult time sleeping without sexual release, when I’m stupid busy and don’t want to take the time for sex, and when sex is a major mental distraction. 

Several times a year I hear from a man asking if I know of some hormone or herb to safely reduce or eliminate sex drive. I’ve even had a couple of men ask me if I know a doctor who will castrate them. Yes, really. Granted these are the extreme situations, and usually come from men in sexless or near sexless marriages, but still!

Mostly what I want you to understand in all this is his sex drive can be a problem for him too. You can make it easier or more difficult for him, but it’s not your fault.

~ Paul – I’m XY, and I am so deeply blessed my wife accepts my sexuality. 

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{ 14 comments… read them below or add one }

Bonny @OysterBed7 November 20, 2015 at 4:05 am

It’s such a blessing when a low drive wife reaches the point of embracing her higher drive spouse, and embracing that differences of male / female are God’s design. Slowly, it seeps in that sex is for me, too. There are so many benefits if only a low libido wife can let her walls come down a bit and see it from his heart. Thanks, Paul. This insight is valuable!


Paul Byerly November 20, 2015 at 9:58 pm

@Bonny “Slowly, it seeps in that sex is for me, too.”


IntimacySeeker November 20, 2015 at 8:40 am

Accepting our husbands’ sexuality is a good move. Celebrating that sexuality is even better. Thanks to you and Lori for all your influence and helping me grow in this area.


Dave November 20, 2015 at 1:03 pm

I don’t know if this will really add to the discussion, but your post reminded me of one of a significant moment in my own life. I was watching one of those “nature” shows on PBS that was documenting the natural history of some African mammal or other (I think it was a pig/hog species). As with many natural history documentaries, they naturally had a segment that talked about mating and reproductive strategies. I was at a particularly low point in our sexless marriage, because the description of the short rutting season really struck me. “How nice” I thought, “would it be if I didn’t have to worry about sex for 10 or 11 months out of the year, and it only bothered me for 1 or 2 months?” Of course, a short rutting season is not at all rare among mammals. It seems that the human model (“constant” sexual desire and “constant” [off and on] fertility with little to no external indicator of fertility) is somewhat rare. For some reason, God made us this way, but, at that point, I really wished God had chosen a different model for human sexuality.

Anyway, I have grown past that particular frustration (still in a sexless marriage, though), but it was a particularly poignant incident for me that might have changed some of the ways that I see human sexuality.


Paul Byerly November 21, 2015 at 8:41 am

@Dave – Yes, the sexuality God gave us is unusual. For those who believe in intelligent design, this has to mean something.
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Me November 20, 2015 at 7:08 pm

I’m the wife, and I hate my high sex drive. It makes me feel like I’m not a normal woman. It also makes me feel abnormal and somewhat unwanted, having a higher drive than my husband. I very much understand the desire to turn it off. Sometimes I wish I hated sex.


Paul Byerly November 20, 2015 at 9:59 pm

@Bonny “Slowly, it seeps in that sex is for me, too.”


Amy November 21, 2015 at 7:14 am

I often wish my desire for sex was not so high, because it might make it easier when hubby just shows little interest.
And a little something I’ve been thinking on the past couple weeks where we had a dry spell because of hubby’s work schedule and hunting…I came to realize that it’s not just about the quantity although yes, I’d love sex more than once a week, but it’s the dry spells where I crave to at least feel desired by my hubby, even if he is too tired for sex. And I’ve told him this before. I often need feel that he wants to make love, that he desires me, even if he is too tired…put his arms around me, kiss me passionately, make out a little, even if sex will not follow right then. I need to feel his passion for me to help get through the long periods without sex. If that makes sense. ;)
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Paul Byerly November 21, 2015 at 8:39 am

@Amy – I hear you. No sex and now sex with no desire are two different things.
Paul Byerly recently posted…Sex Differences in SexMy Profile


Lynn November 22, 2015 at 3:28 am

This is where my husband disagrees with you, Paul. I think this is a change in our culture, that we think ‘men suffer if they have to control their impulses’ (I’m not talking about marital intimacy). That hurts men, women, and how we relate to one another. My husband and I have a little joke, now; if I’m just being affectionate but we both know we don’t have the time/energy for the whole shebang, I say, “Am I destroying your manhood?” and he laughs. He is easily old enough to be your dad. Even as a young (and very religious) teen, with a beautiful steady girlfriend, he didn’t feel that he couldn’t handle his sexual impulses, nor did he have a difficult time when his late wife had medical issues. Lest you think he is naturally low-drive, our schedule is 3-4 times a week.


Paul Byerly November 22, 2015 at 7:38 pm

@Lynn – I think there is a cultural change on this, and I’m far closer to your husband than what I hear today. Of course a man can control himself, and those who suggest otherwise are spreading a lie – probably for selfish reasons.
That said, strong arousal without release is a problem for most men, especially when we are younger. I’m not saying a guy can’t or shouldn’t control himself, rather he will suffer for doing so.

BTW, if my dad were still alive, he’d be 82.
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Dave November 24, 2015 at 9:28 am

@Lynn: In the church I grew up in, it seemed to be a lot more than mere “impulse control”. Growing up, I was given a solid dose of Matt 5:28 and similar teachings that led me to believe that it is more than impulse control but that the impulse itself was somehow wrong. “A Godly man would not even have these impulses” I erroneously came to think.

I am in a better place now, having corrected these misconceptions, but I still see an element in our culture (both in and out of the church) that wants to demonize and vilify stereotypical male sexuality. Paul here and others are working to “normalize” male desire (and sexual desire in general so that women can accept themselves as having sexual desires, too), while also teaching about impulse control. I sometimes envy those who grew up with a better view of sexuality than I did, but I must put my past behind me and look forward.


Lynn November 25, 2015 at 3:06 am

My husband is 77 and grew up in a conservative Evangelical home, so I am surprised by his healthy attitudes toward sexuality. I was taught that masturbation was a deadly sin, to the point that I felt very guilty about foreplay in the early months of my marriage, but my husband never had any concerns about it at all, even as a young man. He is just an amazing guy altogether – which is why I married him!


Paul Byerly November 25, 2015 at 8:59 am

@Lynn – I think it was less harsh when you husband was a boy. Maybe it was so unthinkable no one was willing to speak more than a very few words about it, so there were fewer negative messages.
The real demonisation of male sexuality is more recent. I don’t know if feminism has anything to do with it, but the timing does line up. There is also the whole free love thing, which also happened at the same time. I suspect both play a part. Mostly I think it’s an attempt to balance. The worse the world gets, the more the church wants to limit sexuality. It’s a very human reaction, and not at all what God wants. We need to find His truth and stand firm on that regardless of what the world does next.
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