Lingerie Is Gift Wrap

December 2, 2015

in Uncategorized

I know lingerie is a battle issue for many couples. I understand some of the issues women have with it, or how they think their husband feels about it. Let me try to help you understand how men think about sexy undies.

Christmas Undies © Alx |

The best way for me to explain it is lingerie is gift wrap. You, or more specifically your sexuality, is the gift. Bits of cloth and lace are not the gift, they are the wrapping paper around the gift. A great wrapping job with high-quality material does nothing to improve a poor gift, and lingerie is not his attempt to hide some part of your body. Gift wrap calls attention to the gift. It also shows the person giving the gift cares enough to take extra time and effort in how the gift is presented.

When a man’s wife wears something sexy she tells him she feels good about her sexuality and about offering to share her sexuality with him. This is the primary reason men want their wives to wear the stuff. It’s an offer, a tease, a promise. It says, “I turn you on, and I know it.

Some of you think you don’t turn your husband on. While I’ve talked to men who say this about their wife, it’s amazingly rare. What’s more, when a man does say it, odds are his wife is better looking than most. If a man isn’t turned on by the sight of his wife naked or near naked it usually has far more to do with his messed up thinking than her body!

If your husband would like you in sexy undies, a few practical Christmas suggestions:

  1. If he buys you lingerie, understand he’s asking you to share your sexuality with him. Look past the item – how impractical, uncomfortable or “not you” it is – and see his heart and his desire. Say thank you like you mean it.
  2. If he has a bad track record with lingerie give him some suggestions. Among other things help him understand the difference between day wear and play wear – the latter being put on to be taken off shortly.
  3. Buy something you like for yourself. Wrap it, and give it to him as a gift. He’ll understand, trust me.
  4. Send him to my Buying Lingerie Without Dying of Embarrassment article. 

~ Paul – I’m XY, and wrapping paper looks best on the floor! ;-) 

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{ 31 comments… read them below or add one }

libl December 2, 2015 at 3:26 am

I am all for lingerie. I love feeling sexy and feminine in them, but I do have some questions/issues:

1. What is a wife to do when her husband goes online lingerie shopping? I have two problems. The first is he is seeing a TON of nearly nude women modeling the lingerie. 2. He sees lingerie that looks hot on the tall, implanted model and wants me to wear what she is wearing. But when I put it on, it doesn’t fit my petite frame and I look and feel terrible. I am not as sexy as that 21 year old model. It is like he is thinking, “I think my wife is hot, and I think the model is hot, so if my wife wears this string and piece of fabric she’ll look as hot as this model in it!”

I did get a consultation from of Vegas costume and design expert on what would work for me lingerie wise and everything they chose hubby didn’t like. I can’t make myself into a 21 year old tall, busty, photoshopped model just so I can look as hot as she does in the get-up.

2. Sometimes it feels like he is only picking certain things because he saw it on TV or in a movie and he wants to translate that to me. Hey, I am all for getting ideas, but after watching a marathon of say The Vikings, he is practically obsessed with me dressing like a shield maiden. I love dressing up, but I don’t want to be a stand in for a TV turn on.

3. He will NOT return the favor. If I suggest lingerie for him, he outright refuses.


Paul Byerly December 2, 2015 at 10:11 am

@libl –
1) There are places to shop without models. But they are usually limited in what they have because most folks want to see things on real women.
My suggestion is to shop with him, be it on-line of in a store. Help him understand your body and what will and won’t look good on it.

2) It depends on what’s going on in his mind. Is he paining you with a concept, or is he trying to access the concept through you. I see the first as fine, the second as problematic at best.

3) Interesting – I’d love to know why. Odds are he could not tell me, other than it makes him feel bad for some unknown reason.
Maybe you could bribe him. Buy something not to far out there and tell him what will happen to him when he wears it?
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libl December 2, 2015 at 12:52 pm

I do shop with him, but I just feel worse. He’ll start getting frisky with me, touching me while still looking at the model. I can’t read his mind and I understand I can read into things not there, but the whole thing just feels squidgy…a little creepy and off. Plus it just sucks to go through page after page of hot models. It doesn’t exactly do much to boost my self image, which is normally pretty good, but not up against lingerie perfection.

As for him not wearing lingerie, or even dressing up for me, he just says he won’t do it and feels stupid, or it isn’t for guys.


Lynn December 2, 2015 at 3:32 am

I have scrolled through one of the lingerie sites with my husband, asking him what he likes; the first time, he laughed and said, obviously I’m not worried about him looking at the models. But my husband has not had a problem with looking, as some men have, so it’s easy for me to have the viewpoint that, “She may look perfect but you will not ever be getting up close and personal with her.” By the way, I convinced my slightly befuddled guy to dress as a Viking for me for Halloween. We also have a Superman costume –


Paul Byerly December 2, 2015 at 10:13 am

@Lynn – Sounds like you know him and yourself, and are comfortable with both. And good on him for letting you dress him to your liking.
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IntimacySeeker December 2, 2015 at 7:50 am

‘When a man’s wife wears something sexy she tells him she feels good about her sexuality and about offering to share her sexuality with him. This is the primary reason men want their wives to wear the stuff. It’s an offer, a tease, a promise. It says, “I turn you on, and I know it.” ‘

I still say the reason he thinks lingerie implies all this is because of media influence. I cannot in good conscience participate in that. I tossed out my lingerie months ago. Hubby will have to be happy with naked wife.


Paul Byerly December 2, 2015 at 10:15 am

@IntimacySeeker – On this one I think it’s art imitating life. While media no doubt effects what is seen as sexy, I don’t think it’s why men like their wife to put on something to please them.
Of course takling things off to please is also a good option! ;-)
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IntimacySeeker December 2, 2015 at 12:48 pm

Part of my bound conscience position on this responds to media teaching boys, men, girls and women that girls and women are sexual objects whose value is determined only by their physical appearance. The lingerie industry is deeply entrenched in that powerful lie, and as Christians, we should take a stand. A loving husband will stand with his wife in this battle. His longing to see her in lacy underthings pales in comparison to his desire for a world in which she and all women are regarded as God’s image bearers.


Amy December 2, 2015 at 9:36 am

I love buying and wearing pretty lingerie and hubby loves it — but mostly he says it looks best on the floor! ;)
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Paul Byerly December 2, 2015 at 10:16 am

@Amy – A wise man!
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Lynn December 2, 2015 at 11:22 am

I have to say, I think I mostly look ridiculous in lingerie, and sometimes I thank my husband for not laughing at me, but even though I am aging and overweight, I know my husband thinks I look ok because I can observe the physical sign of his opinion :-) – and that makes me feel beautiful.


Paul Byerly December 2, 2015 at 2:04 pm

@Lynn – Yup, the bulge doesn’t lie.
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Me December 2, 2015 at 11:24 am

This is another issue that is painful for me. I don’t think my husband likes me in lingerie. I’m average, not incredibly hot, not ugly, just a regular, average mom. Not overweight, just average. He will sometimes tell me he loves my body, but he doesn’t. I’ve tried wearing lingerie many times, but it just ends up making me sad. He gets all shy, sometimes looks away and forces himself to peek. His eyes definitely do not bug out. It’s hurtful. It is clear to me that deep down he finds me repulsive, but doesn’t want to tell me. The weird thing is, when he found me putting all of my lingerie into the trash, he got upset. I wish he’d make up his mind. But no, I’m not beautiful enough to wear it, so I don’t. And I’ve never worn it to sleep in because he is always so worried “what if one of the kids comes in”. I’ve just had to accept the fact that he doesn’t feel that special way about me. Most of the lingerie I buy he never even sees. It just hangs in the closet. I bought something special for Christmas, he fell asleep. Bought something hot for Halloween, he fell asleep. I think he falls asleep to avoid me, because he’s scared I might try to actually look attractive. It’s the weirdest thing. It’s hurtful, and it ticks me off that he tries to act sad that I don’t ever feel beautiful. Duh! Rejection never feels beautiful. Knowing your husband isn’t attracted to you the way most men you read about are attracted to their wives makes you feel repulsive.


Lynn December 2, 2015 at 11:45 am

Is it you, or does he just not like the dress-up part?


Paul Byerly December 2, 2015 at 2:03 pm

@Me – I don’t know him, but maybe the problem is more about him than how he sees you. Maybe he feels it’s wrong to see you that way, and if it turns him on that makes it even worse. Maybe it’s about what he thinks he does and does not deserve. In other words, perhaps he has his own sexual issues and fears.
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K December 2, 2015 at 5:36 pm

It sounds more like you two need counseling than lingerie. You are interpreting things how they make you feel instead of what he says. I’ve learned through my own experience with my husband that couples counseling is awesome.


Me December 2, 2015 at 8:33 pm

I don’t think its that deep or complicated. I think it’s more just he doesn’t find me attractive, I’m not really his type. Plus my body has had two kids, so I don’t exactly look like a lingerie model. I figure he thinks I’m not really deserving of wearing pretty things. It is what it is.
I’m open to counseling, but he’s not, so – not gonna happen. Thanks for the suggestion, though.


libl December 3, 2015 at 5:18 am

If that’s how he feels then that is still his problem and not about you.

However, I will say that a wife who feels this way and it translates into her mood and body language will actually cause a husband to feel like he has to look away. I remember one time I dressed in a sexy costume and stood there like a dolt waiting for my husband to compliment me. Instead he laughed and went back to his movie. I was devastated and convinced he thought me ugly.

A few months later I put on a different sexy costume and struck a pose. Again he laughed and went back to whatever he was doing, but I just went about my business in the costume, not caring that he laughed and ignored me. He saw me a little bit later still in costume and laughed again, but this time stared at me for a while. A little later, he started touching me. A little later we were shut up in the bedroom having a whole lotta fun.

These things take self confidence and time. Own your sexuality now matter where you are in life or what your body looks like. Know your worth and put the ball in his court. Stop carrying his burden and let him carry it while you enjoy the sexy mama that you are.


Paul Byerly December 3, 2015 at 8:45 am

@libl “Own your sexuality no matter where you are in life or what your body looks like.”
Yes, exactly! And this makes a woman very sexy to her husband. We can tell if you are wearing it or living it, and the second is hot while the first it weird and uncomfortable.
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Rosemary December 3, 2015 at 7:49 am

You mention several times that you think or figure you know what is in his mind. But there really are many other possibilities than the ones that you think of. If he won’t go to counseling, you can still go by yourself. At the very least, it may help you find new ways to cope with your situation. It’s definitely worth trying.
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Me December 3, 2015 at 9:13 am

Thank you all for trying to help, but it’s really not that complicated. Take a simple logic analogy. “All cogs are round. All round objects are red. Therefore, all cogs are red.” Now, let’s apply that to my situation. “All men who love their wives are attracted to them and like them to wear lingerie. My husband does not like me in lingerie. Therefore he is not in love with me, attracted to me, and obviously repulsed by me.” Not a big leap. Simple. Logical. End of story. Plus there’s that pesky mirror that never lies. :)


Rosemary December 5, 2015 at 11:17 am

The logic analogy works only if the original premises are correct. “All men are purple. My husband is a man. Therefore, my husband is purple.” Or, “All men are purple. My husband isn’t purple. Therefore my husband is not a man.” These conclusions are clearly not true, because I started with a false premise.

You say it’s not a big leap to get to your final conclusion, but it actually is a huge leap, and it’s not really as simple as you may think. Right now, you seem very committed to believing what you believe. I sincerely hope that someday you will be able to see things in a different light so that you can find your way out of this painful situation.
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Paul Byerly December 6, 2015 at 12:08 pm

@Me – While most men do like their wife in lingerie, there are exceptions.
* Some men just don’t like the stuff, think it’s silly or a waste of money.
* Some men have their own hang-ups about how they react to lingerie.
* Some men have it tied to porn and don’t want it out of fear it will take them into a porn mindset.
* Some have bought into the idea “nice women” don’t wear such things.
* And some fellows see how uncomfortable it makes their wife and reject it for her sake.

There are plenty of other possibilities, and shades of those I have mentioned.
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Henri December 6, 2015 at 12:43 pm

I have had a few kids. I have massive stretch marks, and cellulite. Smaller chest, big hips, bigger caboose and my hubs does not like lingerie. If I do wear it, then I typically get some sort of “take it off” response. It very rarely lasts a full minute. Most of the time, I don’t even bother with it, instead I choose co-coordinating panties and bras. And not all that sexy either, sometimes just practical, and it goes over much better. For a while, I felt like there was something wrong with me, but over the years I have begun to realize its not me, just the wrapping. So I don’t wear much lingerie, and spend the extra money on bras and panties, which go over alot better. Just a thought.


Paul Byerly December 7, 2015 at 9:32 am

@Henri – Some men don’t care, and some have different tastes.
I did a survey a few years ago on the colour of lingerie men preferred. Black and red were predictably at the top, followed by white. But there were men who said purple or orange (orange, really) were what they wanted to see.
Always someone colouring outside the lines!
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Henri December 8, 2015 at 7:22 pm

Orange? HA HA HA. I love it.


J December 7, 2015 at 3:56 am

If he doesn’t have to dress up for sexy town, neither do I. Women are visual too, you know. I’d like some giftwrap….. This article is ridiculous.


Paul Byerly December 7, 2015 at 9:34 am

@J – No argument from me on him wearing it too. That said, “I will when you will” may not be the best way to go – at least not as a first move.
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J December 7, 2015 at 11:31 am

I’m not really worried about it, so it doesn’t really matter.


Me December 7, 2015 at 12:05 pm

Here’s an example of why lingerie brings nothing but pain. I’ll try to be brief. This summer, my husband was running a big job with lots of problems. First time ever, all kids were at camp on the same day. He was supposed to come home very early. I was very “ready” for him. He called to say he couldn’t make it, problems on the job. Ok. I was hurt, but I’m used to it – his job has always been more important than our marriage to him. But I didn’t complain. I just got changed and went about my business. Fast forward two weeks. It’s his bday. And, the second day all the kids are at camp at the same time! Yay! So I go out on a limb, be vulnerable, and buy a piece of lingerie. Now I don’t really like my body with all its flaws, but even I felt this outfit hit me in all the right places, accentuated the positive and hid the negative. Now, he is still running this annoying job with all the problems, but after he came home, While he was showering after work I put it on. I even put on heels I know he loves. When he came out of the shower, he looked almost – sad. I went to him, and he kissed me but I could tell he was not into it. There was no positive reaction if you catch my drift. Well, talk about a harsh rejection! I didn’t say anything, I just got dressed in my normal clothes. And he’s just acting all sad (which I hate.) Just be a man and tell me to stop trying, that you hate my body and I repulse you. But I didn’t say much, and we ran to the store to get some supplies he needed (for work, of course!!!) and picked our kids up from camp and that was the end of it. But I have not worn lingerie since, nor will I. And he can just let things go. If it were up to him, there’s no need to discuss it. But I’m not that way. So when I finally accused him of hating me and my body and how the sight of me in lingerie must make him want to puke, which is obvious because he has never since asked me to wear anything sexy for him – he has the nerve to claim that he was afraid to ask because it’s such a sore subject and he doesn’t want to upset me. Bologna. He doesn’t bring it up because he’s thrilled that he got out of having to look at his own wife in lingerie, and he doesn’t want to risk that I’d ever try it again. I honestly don’t know why he married me when he obviously thinks I’m hideous. (BTW – he has tried that stupid “I love your body” line to make me feel better, which we both know is untrue). I don’t know why he says things he doesn’t mean instead of just admitting I’m no cover model and never will be.


A pro sex woman December 7, 2015 at 5:30 pm

Really, I had to deal with not seeing a man and not imagining what he looked like naked for ages. Now I can enjoy him I ask him to put clothes on as I prefer it over his naked body,ERR NO!

Him naked will get me the most aroused, simple.


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