What He Wants for Christmas: Sex Edition

December 11, 2015

in Uncategorized

On Wednesday, I suggested some non-item gifts you could give your husband. The obvious omission from the list was sex. I’m going to remedy that today, but again I want to list not the things he would say he wants, but rather a way to meet some of his inner hungers; things he may not even know about himself.

Male sexuality is as messed up by cultural messages as female sexuality, but we don’t talk about it as much. We have inner scripts about of how sex is supposed to be. We know what we’re supposed to want, and how we are supposed to feel. Much of what we say and do is designed to make sure those things happen. We want to act like “real men”, even if doing so doesn’t meet our real sexual needs.

Making it all the messier is the fact many men aren’t in touch with their feelings. Sex, real sex, is more than just what our bodies feel. The kind of sex we need involves our emotions and our mental desires. What we’ve been told we should feel and want conflicts with what we actually want and feel, causing us a good deal of turmoil. All too often we just suppress what we want. Even if we don’t suppress it, we may not be able to sort it out from cultural garbage, leaving us confused. While porn certainly adds to this, everything I’ve said would be true for a man who has never seen porn.

Lady with Santa hat in bed © wernerimages | dollarphotoclub.com

Accept His Sexuality

First let me acknowledge I’m asking something huge here. He doesn’t accept his sexuality, and he doesn’t know what his sexuality really is, but he wants and needs you to accept it.

A good starting place is his penis. We see our penis as a representation of our sexuality, and how you react to it and treat it is huge. Let him know you like it. Not (just) lust after it, you like it. Let him know this when you’re not being sexual, such as when he steps out of the shower or you see him getting dressed. Fondle him after sex and tell him how much you enjoy his penis and what it does for you. Yes, I know some of this seems silly to you, please get over it.

Let me be clear. Accepting his sexuality isn’t about accepting things you don’t like or don’t want to do. This is about his being sexual, not what he wants to do sexually. God gave him a raw sexual force you don’t have, and God said it was good. As you come to see God was right, you’ll be able to assure and bless your husband.

Satisfy His Sexuality

This doesn’t mean what you may think it means. It doesn’t mean giving him whatever he wants as often as he wants. It does mean providing him with enough sex he’s not running around sexually famished. If he’s under 50 (and very likely if he’s over 50) this probably means, at least, three times a week. Twice that would be greatly appreciated by the majority of men.

Part of doing this well is how you see it. If it’s a duty or a chore, you’re not giving him what he really needs. It should be about doing something for him because you love him and want to care for him. I understand all the things you have going against you here, and I’m sorry. 

It’s been a long time since I felt my wife thought she had to give me sex regularly. I know she thinks she gets to give me sex regularly. Sure there are times she’s tired and I know she’d rather pass, but I also know she does it out of love for me. And if she’s really tired or sick she says so and I’m fine with that.

Share Your Sexuality

This one is huge, and it’s one few men get.

This is about far more than letting him see you naked. It’s about giving him free access to your sexuality. Not access to the sexual parts of your body, although that’s part of it, but to your inner sexuality. It’s letting him explore and learn about your sexuality. 

The difficulty with this one is it requires you being in touch with and accepting of your own sexuality. If you’re at war with your sexuality you can’t share it with your husband. 

Forth Annual Christmas Eve Quickie

If you want to get him sex for Christmas, this is one option. We tweet about this every year. The idea is Christmas day is so crazy sex is unlikely, so grab a bit of time on the 24th. You can define the terms: anything from jumping in the shower to do him by hand to full sex for both of you. Mention it ahead of time so he can look forward to it. Maybe do up a formal invitation. 

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{ 11 comments… read them below or add one }

IntimacySeeker December 11, 2015 at 10:22 am

So less than 3 times per week = famished. I have assumed that 3x is preferable to 2x per week, but I didn’t realize he would feel sexually famished. When you say most men would be happy to have that amount doubled, do you think that includes men in their 60’s who need longer periods of refractory time? In other words, would they appreciate more frequent attempt to connect sexually, regardless of their ability to reach orgasm?

When you talk about sharing inner sexuality, I think about non-physical elements such as thoughts, feelings, fears, triumphs. I think about sharing my heart and soul. Is that what you mean by inner sexuality?


H December 11, 2015 at 1:34 pm

I’m not sure about other men but after a satisfying encounter with my wife, the next day I’m fine, the second day I’m thinking about it again but can ignore it, and by the third day I can’t ignore the need anymore. Famished is exactly the word to use to describe the feeling.


Paul Byerly December 13, 2015 at 11:09 am

@IntimacySeeker It varies from man to man, but there is a level below which it’s a problem. A bit below and/or occasionally below is no big deal. Regularly more than a bit below is a problem, and famished is a decent explanation of it I think.
I think there are plenty of other things in like which are the same. Many women feel famished for meaningful time or conversation with their husband. Again it’s long term real shortages which are the problem, not the occasional shortage caused by temporary busyness.
Age is an interesting question here. The physical demand does lessen somewhat, but the relational and emotional desire can be just as strong or stronger. While the physical is a part of the issue, it’s not the whole thing for a man of any age – although many younger men may feel its all or almost all physical.


IntimacySeeker December 17, 2015 at 1:15 pm

Helpful analogy about the conversational intimacy dynamic. I’ve known that was important to me, but don’t think I’d considered a level below which I would have a problem. Tricky business, this balancing stuff. I can fill my time and find fulfillment in other activities, which is healthier than longing for something that my husband is unable to provide, or a quantity of it he is able to provide. But I must watch that I don’t take that to an extreme and start leaving him out of the picture.


Paul Byerly December 13, 2015 at 11:15 am

@IntimacySeeker – As to inner sexuality, yes, you have it, or part of it.
Great sex is a rich, multifaceted experience that goes way beyond our bodies. We need our bodies to have sex and use them for many expressions of our sexuality, but there is more to it.
To put a fine point on it, a prostitute offers her body and nothing more. A loving wife offers far, far more. A healthy mature man wants, nay needs, more than a body.
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Lynn December 11, 2015 at 4:06 pm

I didn’t understand what you meant by inner sexuality, either. (In answer to IntimacySeeker, my husband is in his 70s and it’s a dry week when he’s satisfied with 3x – he likes it even if he doesn’t get ‘all the way’ there.)


Paul Byerly December 13, 2015 at 11:17 am

@Lynn – Great example – thanks.
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IntimacySeeker December 17, 2015 at 1:24 pm

I seem to be hearing that for a mature man in a well developed relationship, the bonding power of the oxytocin release via orgasm is less significant because the other facets of the relationship have grown and become more significant.


Paul Byerly December 18, 2015 at 1:35 pm

@IntimacySeeker – Perhaps. Of course, intercourse produces plenty of oxytocin on its own. Orgasm is just the peak.
For men release from sexual tension is as important a reason for orgasm as pleasure. If this need is lessened with age, it becomes very possible to want and enjoy sex even if orgasm is iffy.


j December 16, 2015 at 5:06 am

So have I been blocked or something? I’ve tried to comment and it doesn’t go through.


Paul Byerly December 16, 2015 at 10:15 am

@j – The first comment is moderated, and sometimes others are held based on content. This one was held, not sure why.
I’m showing half a dozen other comments from you, including 2 on the “Help Me Explain Your Sexuality to Him” post. Nothing else is pending.
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