On Wednesday, I suggested some non-item gifts you could give your husband. The obvious omission from the list was sex. I’m going to remedy that today, but again I want to list not the things he would say he wants, but rather a way to meet some of his inner hungers; things he may not even know about himself.
Male sexuality is as messed up by cultural messages as female sexuality, but we don’t talk about it as much. We have inner scripts about of how sex is supposed to be. We know what we’re supposed to want, and how we are supposed to feel. Much of what we say and do is designed to make sure those things happen. We want to act like “real men”, even if doing so doesn’t meet our real sexual needs.
Making it all the messier is the fact many men aren’t in touch with their feelings. Sex, real sex, is more than just what our bodies feel. The kind of sex we need involves our emotions and our mental desires. What we’ve been told we should feel and want conflicts with what we actually want and feel, causing us a good deal of turmoil. All too often we just suppress what we want. Even if we don’t suppress it, we may not be able to sort it out from cultural garbage, leaving us confused. While porn certainly adds to this, everything I’ve said would be true for a man who has never seen porn.
Accept His Sexuality
First let me acknowledge I’m asking something huge here. He doesn’t accept his sexuality, and he doesn’t know what his sexuality really is, but he wants and needs you to accept it.
A good starting place is his penis. We see our penis as a representation of our sexuality, and how you react to it and treat it is huge. Let him know you like it. Not (just) lust after it, you like it. Let him know this when you’re not being sexual, such as when he steps out of the shower or you see him getting dressed. Fondle him after sex and tell him how much you enjoy his penis and what it does for you. Yes, I know some of this seems silly to you, please get over it.
Let me be clear. Accepting his sexuality isn’t about accepting things you don’t like or don’t want to do. This is about his being sexual, not what he wants to do sexually. God gave him a raw sexual force you don’t have, and God said it was good. As you come to see God was right, you’ll be able to assure and bless your husband.
Satisfy His Sexuality
This doesn’t mean what you may think it means. It doesn’t mean giving him whatever he wants as often as he wants. It does mean providing him with enough sex he’s not running around sexually famished. If he’s under 50 (and very likely if he’s over 50) this probably means, at least, three times a week. Twice that would be greatly appreciated by the majority of men.
Part of doing this well is how you see it. If it’s a duty or a chore, you’re not giving him what he really needs. It should be about doing something for him because you love him and want to care for him. I understand all the things you have going against you here, and I’m sorry.
It’s been a long time since I felt my wife thought she had to give me sex regularly. I know she thinks she gets to give me sex regularly. Sure there are times she’s tired and I know she’d rather pass, but I also know she does it out of love for me. And if she’s really tired or sick she says so and I’m fine with that.
Share Your Sexuality
This one is huge, and it’s one few men get.
This is about far more than letting him see you naked. It’s about giving him free access to your sexuality. Not access to the sexual parts of your body, although that’s part of it, but to your inner sexuality. It’s letting him explore and learn about your sexuality.
The difficulty with this one is it requires you being in touch with and accepting of your own sexuality. If you’re at war with your sexuality you can’t share it with your husband.
Forth Annual Christmas Eve Quickie
If you want to get him sex for Christmas, this is one option. We tweet about this every year. The idea is Christmas day is so crazy sex is unlikely, so grab a bit of time on the 24th. You can define the terms: anything from jumping in the shower to do him by hand to full sex for both of you. Mention it ahead of time so he can look forward to it. Maybe do up a formal invitation.