You’ve no doubt run into the sexual problems caused by the lies and distortions the world has feed you since before you knew what sex was. Doing, wanting, or enjoying certain things means something about you. Usually, it means something negative, but then again others say negative things if you don’t do, want, or enjoy certain things.
You’ve been filled with claims and counter claims about your sexuality, including how it should work and what you should feel. The result is you can’t just get into bed with your husband and do what comes naturally because you have no idea what comes naturally.
Believe it or not, your husband is in the same place. I’d actually say it’s worse for men. Not because we get more lies, but because we are less aware of the problem. There is plenty of talk of how female sexuality has been skewed, but for men constructive discussion of the issue is rare.
Men are told how to view the female body, and encourage to lust after every woman possible. We learn things such as “Real men like big boobs” and “Black undies are the sexiest”. We learn which acts are best (oral is the ultimate) and the positions men enjoy (rear entry). We are told all men want more sex than any woman will ever want, and a man who wants it less than daily isn’t much of a man. We are informed the sight of our wife naked should cause immediate desire, no matter how we feel or what’s happening in our lives. And so on, and on, and on.
We also get messages about what is bad or wrong. Wanting oral, or wanting it to climax, or expecting her to swallow is selfish to the point of being abusive. Certain positions are rude and unloving (with doggy being high on the list). Expecting sex daily is totally unreasonable, and we don’t really need it more than once or twice a week.
Notice how things show up in both those lists – being great/required in the first and horrible/unloving in the second list. Yeah, that’s fun for us.
In addition to all this, I’m coming to understand male sexuality isn’t nearly as uniform as we are taught. I’ve never assumed it was one-size-fits-all, but I assumed a much narrower normal curve than I’m now seeing. I still think the range is smaller for men than for women but far from narrow. Plenty of normal, healthy men have no interest in certain things most men find extremely desirable. Likewise, some normal, healthy men really want certain things the majority don’t want.
I suspect many men have worked to fit into a narrow example of male sexuality. This means trying to want and enjoy things not actually desired while trying to ignore our interest in things we’re not supposed to want. I’m not talking about wild out of the box kinky stuff here. I know some men would enjoy sex a lot more if they could have pre-sex snuggling or talking. Some men “young enough” to have sex daily would actually get more pleasure from doing it every other day. Many men would like to put more sexual focus on their wife’s pleasure, and many would from time to time like their wife to take total control. Some men who pester their wife for oral sex, anal sex, quickies, or some other “male delight” are not really into those things; they just think they are supposed to be into them.
These are some of the things men would want and not want if they could get past all the garbage put in their heads all their lives. If they could get in touch with what they really want, and what they really enjoy, their sexual actions and requests might change significantly.
Mostly this post is intended to educate you. It’s likely I am telling you something your husband doesn’t know about himself. He may be stuck playing a role assigned to him by the world, his family, the Church, or some other source or combination of sources, and he may have no idea it’s a role.
If you want to try to help your husband dig into this, use caution. Be about helping him see it, not telling him how you think it is. One good way to chase things down is to ask him about his sexual fantasies. How does what he does with you in his fantasies differ from what actually happens? What do those differences mean? Is the fantasy an attempt to get closer to the role, or to who he really is?
~ Paul – I’m XY, and I’ve been told so many stories about my sexuality!