The Sex He THINKS He Wants

January 1, 2016

in Uncategorized

You’ve no doubt run into the sexual problems caused by the lies and distortions the world has feed you since before you knew what sex was. Doing, wanting, or enjoying certain things means something about you. Usually, it means something negative, but then again others say negative things if you don’t do, want, or enjoy certain things.

You’ve been filled with claims and counter claims about your sexuality, including how it should work and what you should feel. The result is you can’t just get into bed with your husband and do what comes naturally because you have no idea what comes naturally.

Believe it or not, your husband is in the same place. I’d actually say it’s worse for men. Not because we get more lies, but because we are less aware of the problem. There is plenty of talk of how female sexuality has been skewed, but for men constructive discussion of the issue is rare. 

Man begging for sex © Gina Sanders |

Men are told how to view the female body, and encourage to lust after every woman possible. We learn things such as “Real men like big boobs” and “Black undies are the sexiest”. We learn which acts are best (oral is the ultimate) and the positions men enjoy (rear entry). We are told all men want more sex than any woman will ever want, and a man who wants it less than daily isn’t much of a man. We are informed the sight of our wife naked should cause immediate desire, no matter how we feel or what’s happening in our lives. And so on, and on, and on.

We also get messages about what is bad or wrong. Wanting oral, or wanting it to climax, or expecting her to swallow is selfish to the point of being abusive. Certain positions are rude and unloving (with doggy being high on the list). Expecting sex daily is totally unreasonable, and we don’t really need it more than once or twice a week.

Notice how things show up in both those lists – being great/required in the first and horrible/unloving in the second list. Yeah, that’s fun for us.

In addition to all this, I’m coming to understand male sexuality isn’t nearly as uniform as we are taught. I’ve never assumed it was one-size-fits-all, but I assumed a much narrower normal curve than I’m now seeing. I still think the range is smaller for men than for women but far from narrow. Plenty of normal, healthy men have no interest in certain things most men find extremely desirable. Likewise, some normal, healthy men really want certain things the majority don’t want.

I suspect many men have worked to fit into a narrow example of male sexuality. This means trying to want and enjoy things not actually desired while trying to ignore our interest in things we’re not supposed to want. I’m not talking about wild out of the box kinky stuff here. I know some men would enjoy sex a lot more if they could have pre-sex snuggling or talking. Some men “young enough” to have sex daily would actually get more pleasure from doing it every other day. Many men would like to put more sexual focus on their wife’s pleasure, and many would from time to time like their wife to take total control. Some men who pester their wife for oral sex, anal sex, quickies, or some other “male delight” are not really into those things; they just think they are supposed to be into them.

These are some of the things men would want and not want if they could get past all the garbage put in their heads all their lives. If they could get in touch with what they really want, and what they really enjoy, their sexual actions and requests might change significantly. 

Mostly this post is intended to educate you. It’s likely I am telling you something your husband doesn’t know about himself. He may be stuck playing a role assigned to him by the world, his family, the Church, or some other source or combination of sources, and he may have no idea it’s a role.

If you want to try to help your husband dig into this, use caution. Be about helping him see it, not telling him how you think it is. One good way to chase things down is to ask him about his sexual fantasies. How does what he does with you in his fantasies differ from what actually happens? What do those differences mean? Is the fantasy an attempt to get closer to the role, or to who he really is?

~ Paul – I’m XY, and I’ve been told so many stories about my sexuality!

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{ 15 comments… read them below or add one }

DC January 1, 2016 at 7:25 am

I’ve actually asked my husband several times about his fantasies, and it’s such a confusing conversation and now I know why! He’s told me different things. Once, he said he didn’t really have any (I found this so unbelievable that I was convinced he was lying because he was too scared to be honest), and another time he said something that I’ve tried to do regularly. It feels like he’s just giving me something to do, lol! It made me mistrust him for a while because his fantasy is so tame that I figured he was still just too uncomfortable to tell me the truth. Now I’m wondering if he just doesn’t have the kind of fantasies men are “supposed” to have? See, we women are really confused about what men are supposed to want, too, and it causes us to wonder if our husbands are really being honest with us.


Paul Byerly January 1, 2016 at 9:46 am

@DC – Yeah, it’s a mess all around. We get into bed with our spouse and all of the junk in their head, and all the junk in our head, and we wonder why sex is so difficult.
We can’t be any more honest with our spouse than we are with ourselves, and I suspect most of us are deeply afraid to be honest with ourselves. What if what we want is bad or wrong, or would not be desired by our spouse? We hide from the truth because we fear we can’t handle the truth.
Paul Byerly recently posted…More and Better Sex – in 2017My Profile


Me January 1, 2016 at 7:39 am

@DC, exactly!
Good post, Paul. Forever I have known that my husband’s sex drive is nowhere near where it’s “supposed” to be. He’s always been happy with once a week. I have always assumed this meant I wasn’t enough for him. That I was unable to turn him on because he found me repulsive. Then he acts sad that he (in his words) “can’t ever make me feel beautiful.” That’s not his fault. I just figured I was not woman enough. Since most men (from what we are told) can’t keep their hands off their wives, and would give anything for more sex – I figured he was just fulfilling some sort of marital “obligation” and had no desire for me whatsoever. Sex is confusing for everyone, and it kind of sucks that if God intended it to be a beautiful thing for husbands and wives, that it comes with SO MUCH BAGGAGE!


Paul Byerly January 1, 2016 at 9:49 am

@Me – I suspect many men are burning up huge amounts of emotional energy denying to themselves what they want. This leaves them in a bad place for actually having sex.
Additionally, if you limit your actions and your mind to things other than what you really want, it’s a lot harder to get aroused and reach climax. In such a situation waiting till you are really desperate helps.
I agree, way too much baggage!
Paul Byerly recently posted…More and Better Sex – in 2017My Profile


Nick January 1, 2016 at 1:47 pm

I recently wrote a piece (yet to be published) about having “The Talk” with one’s fiance. I published a poll asking married couples if they had the pre-marital talk, and if so, what would they do different. Most of the responses have been in the category of “More Detail”.

With over 31 years of marriage, I’m still confused with the needs and wants of my wife. She seems even more clueless or simply doesn’t care. It’s very frustrating.
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libl January 2, 2016 at 5:56 am

My husband doesn’t reach the “supposed to” mark, either. His sexual repertoire is very limited, though oddly enough he very occasionally speaks of some things, but if executed in reality, they would be sinful (like me exposing myself at Mardi Gras to earn beads). And some make me uncomfortable like after he watches a TV series full of graphic sex and nudity, he is suddenly insistant that I dress similarly to the actresses and we have sex.

A part of me would love to explore these deep recesses of sexual fantasy, but I don’t want to shove God out of the bedroom to do it. It is bad enough already that sex is very one sided and I only get to orgasm if I masturbate. He won’t touch me down there except with intercourse.

Sometimes I wonder if giving him his sexual fantasies within appropriate context (I am not flashing my boobs to strangers, but I am open to walking around topless in privacy with beads playing peek a boo) would help him open up more sexually or enable his selfishness.


Paul Byerly January 2, 2016 at 7:38 am

@libl – I think fantasies are almost as difficult to understand as dreams. Maybe they show something we want, or maybe something we fear. Some are only “fun” in our heads – e don’t really want to do them and we know we don’t.

I’ve never understood wanting one’s wife to expose herself. Having talked to those who feel this way I suspect most are proud of their wife’s body – it’s “Look at what I have”.

Dressing up like the half naked women on TV could be many things. It could be as simple as such costuming having been sexualised by what he saw. It might be “Hey, my wife would look good in that.” It might also be more about the how the men in those shows acted – maybe if my wife dresses that way it will inspire me to be like those men.

As to feeding his fantasies, the only way to know what it will do is to try. Sounds to me like you don’t have a lot to loose, but I’d go slow and prayerfully.
Paul Byerly recently posted…Turn Off the TV and Be Intimate!My Profile


libl January 2, 2016 at 10:44 am

I think my biggest fears are crossing the line into sinfulness, and enabling his already abundant sexual selfishness and thus building the resentment I fight nearly every day. It is also an issue in our marriage that we do what he wants but heaven forbid we do what I want. So, while I want to be adventerous I fear for myself. I have already lost so much sexually. Dare I possibly lose more?


libl January 2, 2016 at 10:45 am

That should read abundant…not sure what auto correct was trying to do there.


Paul Byerly January 3, 2016 at 9:35 am

@libl – Fixed it
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Paul Byerly January 3, 2016 at 9:36 am

@libl – Froma all you’ve said this is a general issue, not just a sexual issue in your marriage. No telling what would happen, but I understand your concern.
Paul Byerly recently posted…The Prodigal WifeMy Profile


El Fury January 2, 2016 at 7:09 am

This is a very interesting post. My wife and I try lots of “new things”, and it’s surprising how often we then decide that it’s just not for us. Being honest about what you don’t like is as important as being honest about what you want and do like.
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Paul Byerly January 2, 2016 at 7:39 am

@El Fury – Some things sound exciting but just don’t play out that way. Others sound pretty lame but turn out to be enjoyable.
Paul Byerly recently posted…Turn Off the TV and Be Intimate!My Profile


Jolie February 18, 2016 at 5:37 pm

My husband and I had an interesting conversation the other day regarding this very subject.

Neither one of us remembers having an open conversation regarding sex with any of our parents or the church. If we indeed received any of our sexual “should/should not’s” from either one, it was most likely through subtle cues or conversations we over heard.

For example: I remember over hearing my Grandmother tell someone that “you need to have sex with your husband once a week to keep him happy.” Not sure how I processed that at the age of 13 but I’m sure it was processed.

My daughter, who has a 6 year old daughter that is being bullied by a boy in her class, called me the other day with a question that made me ponder. She had caught herself telling her daughter that the boy who had been pushing her probably had a crush on her and that was his way of showing it. Her concern was what kind of message that 6 year old was getting from that comment? The way a guy shows he likes you is by pushing you around physically?

Where DO we get our ideas? Obviously my daughter had probably heard that from me, and I know for a fact I had heard that from my mother. Is is truth or fiction or somewhere in between?

Probably where we got most of our ideas regarding sex was through friends, TV, and (sad to say) porn. I feel porn is the biggest contributor to male sexual considerations and distortions.
Some of the idea’s my husband has wanted to explore with me I HOPE weren’t confabulated in his head, which gets me wondering where he got such creative information.

Growing up and acquiring my sexual menu didn’t really consist of “sexual” things at all. I always thought sex meant holding each other, caressing, kissing, missionary style bonding. I had no idea sex was supposed to be a contact sport! But, of course, we got married a LONG time ago.

Another thing we have noticed is, that over the years, the supposed “sex he thinks we wants” has changed considerably. When we got married, oral sex was supposed to be a treat and anal sex was taboo. Now it seems oral sex is expected and anal? Well, it’s become a general topic of conversation.

Much like El Fury, over the years my husband and I have learned more about the “sex we don’t want” which leaves us leaning more towards the “sex that I think I want!”


Paul Byerly February 19, 2016 at 6:26 am

@Jolie – I applaud you for thinking through your thoughts – I wish more people did that. We can’t change if we don’t examine.
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