Turn Off the TV and Be Intimate!

January 4, 2016

in Uncategorized

One of the biggest problems for most marriages is busyness. This hurts couples in all kinds of ways, with a lack of time together being the root issue. How can you build a strong marriage if you don’t have time together? How can you know each other if you don’t have time to talk? How can you grow together if you have no idea what the other is doing and what they want to do?

Some would say women are more open to this message than men, but I see plenty of wives who are so busy they can’t make time with their husband no matter how willing he might be. If you want a good marriage now, if you want a marriage at all in the future, you must spend time together.

TV boredom © eelnosiva | dollarphotoclub.com

I’m not talking about being in the same room. I’m not talking about watching TV together or playing video games together. I’m not talking about date nights, and I’m not talking about sex. I’m talking about being together and doing things that allow you to talk as you do them. I’m not talking about a few minutes here and there, I’m talking about hours of time.

Specifically, can you and your husband find two hours together two days a week. (A total of four hours). Not 48 minutes five days a week, not eight hours every other Saturday, two separate two-hour blocks of time. What you do during the time is up to you, as long as it allows for good conversation. Don’t do it in place of time you already spend together – which is why sex and date night are excluded. This is in addition to whatever time you currently share.

As suggested by the title of this post, most couples will find the only way to do this is to watch less television. Record shows for later or just give up on a couple.

BTW, I suggested much the same to the men on The Generous Husband on Saturday.

~ Paul – I’m XY, and being with my wife is better than television!

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{ 8 comments… read them below or add one }

Scott January 4, 2016 at 7:18 am

I agree about the importance of couples spending enough time in meaningful conversation. And I agree with the notion that TV tends to waste a lot of time that could be better spent (we disconnected our cable a few years back), but I’m interested to hear how many husbands would be willing/able to hang in there for two hours of conversation in a block. Perhaps the key, as you suggested, is to find an activity that allows space for conversation, but doesn’t necessarily require it.
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Paul Byerly January 4, 2016 at 9:24 am

@Scott – Thanks for the chance to clarify. I agree most men are not up for a two-hour conversation!
I’ve always found “quality time” comes wrapped in “quantity time”. The “good stuff” may only take up fifteen minutes, but the rest of the time is needed for connecting, opening up, getting other stuff out of the way and so on. In a way it’s a kind of foreplay, but it’s also about developing comfort and familiarity.
My other reason for suggesting such a big block of time is the difficulty of faking it through a couple of hours. It forces us to go beyond the rehearsed stuff and open up new places.
It’s not about a two-hour talk; it’s about a couple of hours together when conversation is possible. And it’s not about a single activity. For example, go for a walk, then share coffee, then play cards, and end up snuggling on the couch.
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IntimacySeeker January 4, 2016 at 11:32 am

I’m thinking that a rule that applies to business may also apply to any relationship, including marriage: if we meet regularly, eventually the issues that need to be discussed and the feelings that need to be verbalized will surface. As you say, it’s more about creating the environment and consistently offering the opportunity than about forcing conversation.


Paul Byerly January 5, 2016 at 8:40 am

@IntimacySeeker – Absolutely! Thanks
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Rosemary January 4, 2016 at 12:55 pm

Taking walks together stimulates us to have interesting conversations (but doesn’t require them). We don’t walk together every day, so it’s not just a routine. Even with breakfast afterwards (or during, if we stop somewhere), it’s not two hours, but it’s plenty of time to get into some interesting things.
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Paul Byerly January 5, 2016 at 8:42 am

@Rosemary – Once a couple has it down it can be done well in less time. But if a couple has not had good connection in a while it will take extra effort to develop the habit.
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Me January 5, 2016 at 5:22 pm

My husband loves TV. He always has. It even causes sleeping issues for us, because he likes the TV on to go to sleep, I like it off. So I usually sleep on the couch. He says I should come to bed and he’ll turn the TV off, but I know he doesn’t really want to. And since he works harder than I do, I’d feel badly if he didn’t sleep well. He claims he sleeps better if I’m in the bed, but that is not so. I know because if I’m in there he tosses and turns. And he never initiates sex, so its not like he needs me. Anyhow, his loves are God, work, kids, TV, me.
He’s a good guy, and he will go for a walk with me – IF I ASK. He’ll have sex with me sometimes – IF I ASK. He will take me out for dinner – IF I ASK. So basically all of the loving things he has done for me throughout our marriage have simply been pity. I’m getting tired of asking. I stopped initiating sex when my eyes were opened to the fact that in normal marriages the man pursues the woman. Here I’ve been making a fool out of myself for years by coming on to him.
Lately he has been acting weird. He says he loves me so much and thanks God for me every day and he keeps calling me pretty. He wants me to be happy. What the heck? It’s unsettling. He says he’s been praying to become a better husband. That’s nice. But if I wasn’t pretty enough for you in the past, or worthy of your time in the past, and I’m still not attractive enough to be pursued sexually more than once a week if Im lucky, then why should I believe anything different now? I’m getting older, not younger. And certainly not more beautiful. So what gives? It’s starting to annoy me a lot. And the way he acts all weird and sad that I’m not just all of a sudden feeling loved or important, it’s all weird.
Anyhow, he has always loved TV more, always will. Why try?


Paul Byerly January 6, 2016 at 4:06 pm

@Me “He says he loves me so much and thanks God for me every day and he keeps calling me pretty… He says he’s been praying to become a better husband.”

What if all that is true? What if God is working in him, and you are seeing the fruit? What if he’s figured out beauty is not what we see on the outside?
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