Got Nest?

January 25, 2016

in Uncategorized

The other night we were talking with a couple folks about doing the full-time RV thing. One fellow said what we’re doing was his father’s dream, but his mother would have nothing to do with it. The other couple recounted friends who tried but never made it work. The man bought a very nice, very expensive Class A RV (the bus style) but his wife just didn’t like it.

I think the issue is a woman’s desire to have a “nest”. To put down roots, to have a place to call home. Certainly this varies from person to person both male and female, but I’ve long seen women expressing a greater desire for this. Not just a desire, I’d call it a need. 

Bird house on bike © sakhorn38|

For a variety of reasons, including some bad stuff in her past, I think my wonderful RVing wife is less tied to a nest than most women. Less tied, but not without the need. I see the stresses this lifestyle causes her. I do my best to help make it go well. I know she’s doing this in part because she wants me to live my dream (now that’s hot!) and also because she desires to touch as many women as possible with the idea of being a generous wife

Do you feel a need for a nest? Is your desire for this stronger than your husband’s? How does this affect your relationship? I suspect “nest needs” are a bigger marriage issue than most of us realise because it runs under the radar. Many “nest differences” show up as something else or get excused or explained as something else.

Give it some thought and prayer then kick it around with your hubby. If you both understand the gender difference here it might help you deal with some future issues.

~ Paul – I’m XY, and I love my nest desiring wife 

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{ 10 comments… read them below or add one }

Andrew Budek-Schmeisser January 25, 2016 at 6:51 am

Great post, (as was the related one on Generous Husband).

One thing I’ve noticed is that nesting needs can change; exposure to a better class of people (not hard, when married to me) has sharpened Barbara’s nesting needs, since she’s seen more of how ‘they’ live.
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Paul Byerly January 25, 2016 at 6:06 pm

@Andrew Budek-Schmeisser – As with most things examples and peer-pressure do factor in. Sometimes they just give us an idea of some other way of doing things.
This can be good or bad depending on our maturity!
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Sarah January 25, 2016 at 11:11 am

This is something I sacrificed for him. I gave up having a wedding to elope, never had a nursery for my babies, and we have yet to decorate a house after 10 years of marriage. He has a strong feeling that experience should trump stuff. This is so important to him and in reflection, I would rather have a zoo membership than a lamp and a coffee table. We also decided that our house was for everybody. A beautifully decorated house may make me happy, but we would constantly be telling the kids, “Don’t touch that!” To me, this was an instance of submitting to leadership which was hard and learning that he acted in real wisdom. I would encourage women to ask themselves, “What is the point? How is this making our family grow closer to Christ?”


Paul Byerly January 25, 2016 at 6:09 pm

@Sarah – I too feel experience trumps stuff. I think most men feel this way to some degree.

As with most places where men and women differ we usually both benefit if we learn from each other. A balance between the two extremes is often the best option.

That said, it sounds like you have come to terms with your life and even embraced it. Nice!
Paul Byerly recently posted…A Nest On Wheels?My Profile


IntimacySeeker January 26, 2016 at 9:46 am

Hmmm…. I suppose nesting takes on different forms. For me, a self-proclaimed claustrophobic minimalist, I think it’s more about organizing and decluttering than about decorating. More about being able to relax and feel at peace than about putting my personal stamp on anything.


Paul Byerly January 26, 2016 at 3:45 pm

@IntimacySeeker – So for you the “N” in nest is for neat?
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Directlady January 28, 2016 at 1:12 pm

Erm I think the desire to have a fixed abode is one that is essential to the human experience. I have never understood the logic of living in an RV or in a tent unless you live in a frozen/ hot desert. It is silly to put a family or husband or wife for through that kind of stress and inconvenience. I am unsure why yet again this is turned into a gendered issue, it just continues to alienate men from woman and create socially constructed rifts.
Just a general comment, it would be really nice to have an article from a Christian man who actually supports his wife in her dreams. No not just in small things, something he actually has to sacrifice and be brave for. Maybe she might find that ( hot ) too.


Paul Byerly January 29, 2016 at 5:04 am

@Directlady – I think your comments on living in a tent or an RV show just how much this IS a gender issue. I know plenty of women who would agree with you (and some who would not) but I’d be hard pressed to find a man who feels what you feel as strongly as you do.
I’ll let Lori address the other part of your comment.
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Lori Byerly January 29, 2016 at 5:20 am

Paul has always been the champion of my dreams (and, yes, it is hot). :) I have started businesses and a number of creative efforts (I’m artsy) and Paul is there to cheer me on and do what he can to open doors as needed.

We were growing in our understanding of being there for each other when we heard a talk about a person’s individual “song.” We have continued to listen for that song in each of us and do what we can as we can to follow the notes. It’s a love and respect thing.

As to the RV, it’s an adventure and not really an inconvenience for us. We both love to travel and this is just a new way of doing that. It is different and we have had to deal with change, but the benefits far outweigh the few negatives. And, honestly, I don’t think we would be doing this if I had significant issues with it. We both try to be respectful of those things that are no-go’s for the other.
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alchemist February 8, 2016 at 8:41 am

Ha. This is a big thing. Probably one of the top 5 issues we anticipated going into marriage. Not so much the permanence thing. Many men have permanent dwellings. He’s probably more attached to the idea of a permanent dwelling than I am. More the standard of living. Many college aged men seems to treat their apartments of dorm rooms as a place to sleep and (maybe) play video games. My husband has tons of stuff, but he’s perfectly content to live in an apartment with stuff all over the floor, stuff covering the chairs and the coaches and the tables, stuff in a storage locker, eating out of paper plates, not having proper flatware or knives or anything. Eeek! He’s honestly ok with that. I am definitely NOT. I need visible, surfaces and floor, organization, proper flatware, nice dishes, actual food in my pantry/ fridge (as opposed to ramen noodles, peanut butter and beer), a clean guest room, a clear dining room table, coaches I can actually sit on. I don’t necessarily need to *nest* in the I guess more traditional female sense. I don’t care if stuff is decorated. I do need a certain level of organization and cleanliness.


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