Coins in A Bowl

January 29, 2016

in Uncategorized

This is my take on something many have suggested. It’s a non-threatening and informative way to communicate about sex with your hubby.  

Put a bowl somewhere – night table, dresser, bathroom, whatever. Next to it put six coins – 3 pennies and 3 dimes. You each show your sexual interest by putting coins in the bowl – him the pennies, you the dimes.

0 coins = I’m not into sex right now.
1 coins = I’m not horny, but I’m willing.
2 coins = I want sex.
3 coins = I’m in a bad way.

Coins in a bowl © Paul H. Byerly

You each consider the coins every time you see the bowl and change the number of your coins if you feel different. Anytime there are four or more coins, or three for either of you, sex needs to be a high priority. After you have sex, dump all the coins and start over.

If you do this, watch how the number of his coins changes. How long does it take for the number to increase? Does he ever reduce the number without having sex? How soon after sex does he put a coin in the bowl? Also think about your coins, and what they say about you.

~ Paul – I’m XY, and I’m watching for those dimes!

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{ 21 comments… read them below or add one }

Lynn January 31, 2016 at 5:59 am

He can just leave a twenty on the dresser… (JOKING!)


Paul Byerly January 31, 2016 at 7:41 am

@Lynn – A twenty? Don’t sell yourself short!
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Lynn January 31, 2016 at 7:47 am

It took me a while, after marriage, to really get the hang of sex, but when I did – one evening, in the heat of the moment, my virtuous Christian husband cried out, “You’re like a million dollar prostitute!” and that nearly stopped me in my tracks, but now it’s become a running joke with us. My husband, who only knows about prostitutes what he’s seen in the movies – ! LOL!


Paul Byerly January 31, 2016 at 11:52 am

@Lynn – Yeah, that could have gotten ugly. Good for you for hearing his heart rather than his words!
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Teresa February 6, 2016 at 7:45 am

My husband has a way of saying the wrong thing at the wrong time. Many times I have to stop to interpret what he really means. Lol


Me January 31, 2016 at 6:59 am

I suggested this to my husband and he was offended. He was also offended by the suggestion of scheduling sex. He thinks it should “just happen”. The trouble is, it doesn’t “just happen” nearly as often as I’d like it to.
There is good news though! I’ve been working on reducing my sex drive. The more I tell myself how unattractive I am and how repulsive he must find me, the less “in the mood” I am. It’s hard and has taken a couple years, but I’m getting there.


Lori January 31, 2016 at 7:43 am

Me, I would encourage you to rethink the “reducing your sex drive” thing. God designed us to be sexual beings and enjoy sex with our spouse. Don’t miss out on a good gift from God.
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Me January 31, 2016 at 4:48 pm

Lori, I hear you. But therein lies the rub. I used to dream about us having the beautiful sexual relationship that God intends for spouses. But my husband does not appear to feel the same way. I don’t think I’ll miss out on a good gift from God, I think we’ve already missed it. So it’s better to learn to accept it than to continue to long for something that may not be intended for me.


Red February 7, 2016 at 1:50 am

Dear Me,
It is one thing to come to terms with circumstance. But it is a completely different thing to self-sabotage yourself! Never tell yourself you are unattractive or undesirable! It’s a lie. And you know where lies come from…

My husband does not have as high a drive as I either. And there have been times I thought it would never change. So I found ways to take the edge off, so to speak. As he has felt less pressured, he is more interested. He’s taking the lead and it’s wonderful.

For a time I tried walling off and denying that what I needed was healthy and normal. That may have worked to drive my drive down, but it also made me resentful – especially when he DID show interest thru this time! It stole my joy….self-perpetuating cycle.

Me, break the cycle! I have faith you can do it!


Lynn January 31, 2016 at 7:45 am

‘Me’, I was talking to my husband about you just this morning. I remember when I was younger, no one could convince me that I was liked, or loved, or attractive. I’m lucky that I was healed from this before I met my husband. I often tell him, you wouldn’t have like me so much if you had met me when I was more neurotic. Worst was that I firmly believed that the way I was was what God wanted. I feel badly for you because when you are healed, you will look back on all that you missed out on with some regret. Prayers for you –


Me January 31, 2016 at 5:50 pm

Hi Lynn, thank you for the reply. I am glad you found healing. I’ve never considered it the kind of thing one gets healed from. So that is encouraging to hear. I’m not exactly sure what you think I’m missing out on.
Im not young, I just passed 40, so I think the missing out has already happened. But it’s good for me to come to terms with it now, rather than spending the rest of my life pining for a love that I am obviously not worthy of.
I’ve been trying to build a wall for a really long time, and it’s finally starting to work! The desires I had so strongly for my husband are starting to wane, and that is a GOOD thing. I know he used to feel badly that I was more attracted to him, and this will be a huge relief for him.
The sad part is, he finally seems to be trying not to put work first 110% of the time, but after 20+ years of marriage, what’s the use? I already know where I stand with him (faaaarrrr below work) so why act like you want to change that now? Too late.
On the plus side, I’m trying to learn to find the things in our marriage that are good, and focus on them. Unfortunately for me, it’s not physical intimacy, and judging by his reaction to the coins in a bowl idea, it never will be.


Paul Byerly February 2, 2016 at 8:07 am

@Me – “so why act like you want to change that now? ”
What if he’s not acting, what if he does want to change? Growing older changes men in many ways. We have less testosterone, which means we are less aggressive and competitive. “Winning” at work no longer thrills and fulfills us as it once did. We also have emotional changes as we see our kids growing up and start thinking about empty nest, grandchildren, and retirement.
A man’s drives and priorities shift significantly from 35 to 50 and the norm if for work to become less important while family becomes more important.
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Me February 2, 2016 at 1:25 pm

Paul, thank you for this explanation. I never looked at it this way.


Paul Byerly February 3, 2016 at 9:49 am

@Me – I made myself a note to do a post on this. One more gender difference I can try to explain.
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DevotedtoGood February 4, 2016 at 10:55 am

I have also struggled with her lower desire for years. And I’ve tried to frame an explanation for my lower financial drive. At last I was able to frame something along these lines that will perhaps help you. It will likely be rooted deep in his youth.
Paul describe three broad spectrum pitfalls that we may fall to: the lust of the eyes, the lust of the flesh and the pride of life. These are simply the over-indulgence and perversion of three good drives that god himself put in us for our benefit. This is what we find when we put the creature above the Creator. They are all spectrum drives, in that for each one we have a gradient of intensity. We can, to a degree, push it higher and push it lower. But since it is god given we cannot extinguish it. Please recall that this is my framing of this and not proven.
In application, I have a higher drive that corresponds to the flesh (physical experience and sensation), but its for God to say if my drive has become lust. My wife’s higher drive corresponds to her eyes (desire for acquisition and wealth) , and again God is her judge not me. Both of our drives mellowed with age, partly hormones, partly maturity.
How might you apply this? Is he financially driven? Is he ego driven? Are you? Where did he get this? Where did you? Did God do it to withhold good things from you?


Paul Byerly February 4, 2016 at 1:32 pm

@DevotedtoGood – I agree many of our sins are God-given drives taken out of context or taken too far. As such the solution is not to kill the drive, for that would be killing what God said was good.
Kill it is easy to say, and easy to judge. Learn to live as God intended is far more work.
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Sarah January 31, 2016 at 9:00 pm

Obviously, this for people without young children. Mine would swoop in to check it constantly. It would be the perpetually empty bowl. :)


Paul Byerly February 2, 2016 at 8:10 am

@Sarah – Small stones, or beads work too – but with small children this is may be the least of your sexual issues!
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DevotedtoGood February 4, 2016 at 10:35 am

Adapting is a good thing. And necessary in some cases. In Canada pennies were discontinued and withdrawn a few years ago. We have no pennies. (except the one that the tooth fairy gave out). So we will use buttons (White and Black)
The other trick will be to put the bowl in a place just above they’re view line, but highly visible to both of us – in the cupboard right in front of the coffee cups.


Paul Byerly February 4, 2016 at 1:30 pm

@DevotedtoGood – We still get your pennies here in the northern states! We keep talking about doing away with pennies, but I doubt we will ever be wise enough to do it.
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jeff May 17, 2016 at 12:03 am

I am 53 and an athletic looking anomaly and appear to be 35. My wife is a slender youthful looking 51 year old and spends more time blaming me for her “not feeling it” than actually working on her own time management for sex and preparation for it. I am (6yrs) unemployed and she works. With special needs children, one of us must be employed for medical benefits. This has been difficult for me since nearly no one looks at my resume. I have done what I can in my circumstances. We barely get the mortgage paid monthly. I have a porn addiction that is controlled. (meaning I am not on it daily, but have a day or two dose of it monthly) I spend more time lately on other things since my porn was real bad last year. My wife drives my porn use. Then when I am at my most depressed mood, she comes to me sobbing about my bad attitude and how unloving I am. I defend every accusation with polite use of argument and in the end she realizes I am not so bad. Still sex is once per week and she seldom has orgasm which I volunteer to do for her but…I am not worth her time. Her disrespect for me is clear too. I cannot do anything right and she corrects me often. Joblessness and welfare have ruined us. Still I care daily for my sn kids. If I could afford a divorce, I would.


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