Time and Sex

February 5, 2016

in Uncategorized

I think most twenty-something guys could get an erection on their death bed – and very much want to put it to use. There’s no such thing as being too tired for sex if it’s been at least 24 hours since the last time.

As we grow older this changes, but most men are 40 plus before they experience exhaustion trumping sex drive.

Woman upset at the late hour © Vasiliy Kova| dollarphotoclub.com

I say this to help you understand why he thinks it’s perfectly fine to ask for sex when you’ve been awake for 20 hours and have to get up again in less than six hours. He’s not asking you to do something he wouldn’t be happy to do himself.

If this is an issue in your marriage, I suggest a loving but firm discussion. Tell him you like sex, but you want to be awake for it. Explain long days suck away your sex drive, make it difficult at best to get aroused, and likely leave you unable to have a climax. Let him know you understand this is not his reality, but it is your reality

Beyond that, keep him aware of your tiredness versus sexual willingness day to day.

  • As he’s getting ready for work in the morning say “I hope we get to bed by 10 tonight so we can have sex”.
  • If you feel the window closing in the evening, whisper “The park closes at 9 PM tonight”.
  • Leave a note saying “Sex for both of us till 10, sex for just you till 11:30, and don’t even look at me sideways after midnight.”

I realise this seems a bit harsh, but once he gets it you’ll both be happier. The two of you will likely have more sex, and you will certainly enjoy the sex you have more.

~ Paul – I’m XY, and sex is better when she’s fully awake.

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{ 8 comments… read them below or add one }

IntimacySeeker February 5, 2016 at 8:09 am

Great post. I especially appreciate your advice to recognize one spouse’s reality is not the other’s.

I am one of those early-to-bed, early-to-rise people. Sex in the morning is ALWAYS better for me than sex at night.


Paul Byerly February 11, 2016 at 9:07 am

@IntimacySeeker – I figure the “higher drive” spouse should figure out when sex is best for the “lower drive” spouse and seek it then. Just wisdom and kindness.
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Lynn February 5, 2016 at 8:21 am

I’m a morning person but leave for work long before my husband gets up, except on the weekend. So, on weeknights, his ‘let’s get to bed early’ means…


Sarah February 5, 2016 at 6:53 pm

I am not complaining, but mean this sincerely. Would you give us counsel on how to accept an affectionless marriage? He has outright told me repeatedly to stop touching him, but will have sex sometimes. He is silent if I say “I love you.” or responds “Oh, yeah. RIGHT! Sure you do.” I always want to refuse him and tell him that I am not an object for his own relaxation, but he gets angry and says I’m the reason he doesn’t want me touching him. I am simply accepting our sad marriage as it is now after a long time trying to fix it. I know he’s mad at me about early marriage stuff, I have very just cause to be angry too. I put it behind me, but he hasn’t. Spending every day sad and unloved is very painful. It’s not changing so I need help understanding how to cope.


libl February 6, 2016 at 11:29 am

Jumping in here.

I think you need to sit down with him and say:

We obviously have a big problem in our marriage. You are unloving towards me, angry about something, and not opening up to work on it. Now, I am more than willing to go to counseling both with you and alone to work on this and work towards having the marriage we ought to have. So, if you desire a good, happy, loving, fulfilling marriage, let us both give 100% towards that with third party help. If you are not willing to put in any effort, I accept that we have a sad, sorry marriage, but I refuse to participate in your anger. I will enjoy MY life with or without you here in our home. I will not tolerate abuse, angry outbursts, snarky or sarcastic comments, or sex just to get your rocks off. I am not a whipping post and sex toy. I am your wife and a human being. I deserve more and frankly, so do you.

Let him make his decision, and once you know where he stands, with you for a better marriage, or him choosing to continue brooding you can move forward. If he choose to continue in his misery, let him know if he ever changes his mind, you are willing to work with him and a third party to restore your marriage. But since he has chosen to continue in his self afflicted misery, you hold fast to your boundaries. Go to counseling alone. Take up hobbies, get a job you love, go out and do things, gather friends to you. Move out of the bedroom if you feel you must.


Paul Byerly February 7, 2016 at 5:48 am

@Sarah – libl has said about what I would say.
Giving him a clear choice is right and loving. Let him know what life can be like if he’s willing to work on the marriage, and what it’s going to be like if he continues as he has. If he is unwilling to work on him then you need to do whatever it takes to be a healthy individual in spite of his choices.
Basically, tell him you’re going to get a life, and you hope he chooses to be part of it!


Lynn February 6, 2016 at 10:25 am

Wow, your husband sounds very angry. Perhaps you need to talk about that.


El Fury February 11, 2016 at 7:01 am

Suggestions for being more direct, which may seem unromantic but could nevertheless be helpful in this busy age.

Linked to your post here.
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