Making Love Actually Makes Love

February 26, 2016

in Uncategorized

At the Authentic Intimacy conference, Dr. Juli Slattery said, “Men get oxytocin from sex, and you want him to have it.”

I explained in Grab Him By The Hormones! why you want him to have it, and some ways to help him get more. All the things I mentioned are good, but sex provides the ultimate dose of oxytocin for men. (It gives you a good shot too.)

Snuggling up in bed © Monkey Business |

Any sex act will boost his oxytocin, and the longer it lasts the better. Intercourse is particularly good, and orgasm gives the biggest boost regardless of how you get him there. An orgasm during intercourse is the ultimate if you want your hubby to have more oxytocin. 

So aside from your drive and his drive, providing him with regular sex is a really good thing for you and for your marriage. Get him “hooked” and you’ll see some changes in how he acts. The changes aren’t conscious, they’re a result of how the oxytocin affects him. He may not be aware he’s acting differently. Give it a try, you may be very glad you did!

~ Paul – I’m XY, and my hormone savvy wife knows all about keeping me hooked.

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{ 8 comments… read them below or add one }

Libl February 26, 2016 at 8:30 am

If sex Pavlov’s, connects, and cements men, what is the equivalent for women?


MrShorty February 27, 2016 at 9:33 am

I will leave the endocrinology to the endocrinologists. I have seem some conflicting reports on the role of oxytocin in “love”. There may still be room to learn more about the endocrinology of “love” like this, though there certainly seems to be a body of evidence for what you are describing here.

That aside, I have observed that so much of our discussion around sex and sexuality in relationships reflects a “you come to love each other — then you want to have sex with each other.” We rarely, it seems, talk of the inverse like you have here — “we have sex with each other, which leads to an increase of love”. In my own journey, this was first expressed to me (about 10 years ago) when I read Dr. Harley’s books. He was the first one, in my own experience, who expressed the idea that “having sex adds to a person’s love bank”.

As I have tried to understand this dynamic, I have come to see that it is more complicated than one or the other. Maybe it is more of a feedback loop — we come to love each other and that contributes to a desire for sex which contributes to an increase of love for each other which contributes to a desire for sex which…. Even that is probably more simplistic than reality, but it seems to roughly fit what I see.

Another aspect that I see is in how we talk about this with singles/teens. Because of our fear of accidentally encouraging them into a sexual relationship before marriage, we downplay — sometimes detrimentally IMO — how effective sex is at cementing a loving relationship. To the point that sometimes we put sex and love at opposite ends of a spectrum, as if they cannot exist in the same relationship. I am reminded of a Focus on the Family radio show where they were talking about dating and described something like “anyone who respects you will not want to have sex with you, and anyone who wants to have sex with you does not respect you.” I think I understand the nuance they are trying to describe, but when we talk about it in these overly simplistic terms, we fail to convey how sex fits into a romantic/marriage relationship


Paul Byerly February 28, 2016 at 6:19 am

@MrShorty – Hormones are always complex because changing any one has a ripple effect on other hormones.
Sex does cause love and connection. I a marriage this is good, as it bonds the couple. Outside of marriage, this can be a problem as it can bond two people who are never going to be able to make a healthy couple.
I agree it’s a feedback loop – or should be. Sometimes that fails to happen for various reasons.
Your final point it spot on, and I wish the church would get it. You get a young couple talking about marriage and people want them to wait several years for whatever reason. If a couple can wait several years and not have sex, I don’t think they love each other enough to be married. If they do love each other enough and somehow manage to not have sex they will have accomplished this only by damaging their desire for each other – and this will cause them all kinds of problems in their marriage.
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MrShorty March 1, 2016 at 12:30 pm

Something in your response triggered some thinking. It’s not exactly along the lines of the OP, but I was still intrigued.
You mention sex outside of marriage, which led to thinking about casual sex and some of what we say about it, which reminded me of a facebook/twitter post you made years ago. It went something like “sex for entertainment in marriage is acceptable and good, and one of God’s purposes for sex” (It’s been a while, I apologize if I didn’t get it exactly). It reminded me of a conversation I overheard between a recently married man and a single friend of his, where the single man stated, “Now that you’re married, I suspect date night looks more like ‘shall we go out to a movie or stay home and have sex.”

At the time, I recalled discussing your statement with others, and I was surprised how much pushback I got. As I was thinking about it the other day, it occurred to me that perhaps the pushback I was getting is related to how much we as Christians do not like “casual sex”. We want sex to have so much significance and meaning that we are uncomfortable with any attempt to make it “casual” or otherwise “less significant”.

I suppose we can discuss the semantics of casual sex (can sex within marriage ever be casual, or do the covenants of marriage automatically make it “not-casual”). I think there is also a nuance around “sex in our marriage is ‘always’ casual” vs “sex in our marriage is occasionally casual”. Semantics aside, I would be interested in your thoughts on “casual sex in marriage”, sex as entertainment, and whether or not “casual sex” in marriage is acceptable, sinful, good, other.


Paul Byerly March 2, 2016 at 6:28 am

@MrShorty – Fascinating thoughts! I’m hitting the road, but I’ll think on it and get back to you.
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Paul Byerly March 4, 2016 at 7:53 pm

@MrShorty -I think we do take sex “too seriously”. It should always have meaning and significance, but sometimes more than others.
I also think the motivations can and should be different on different occasions. Sometimes sex is mostly to connect, to feel intimate. Sometimes it’s for comfort, other times it’s about fun or adventure. It can be to help get to sleep, or because it helps her menstrual cramps or his headache, And, it can be because your body needs release. I see all of these as valid. If it’s always one, something is wrong.
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Charlie O March 4, 2016 at 11:52 am

In a good marriage sex should be had for all kinds of reasons, in all kinds of occasions, with every harmless motive. It can be just for fun, with great emotional meaning, comforting, celebratory, tender, passionate, mostly for him, mostly for her, because she wants it, because he wants it, leisurely, rushed, romantic, love-driven, hormon-driven, etc.!


Paul Byerly March 4, 2016 at 7:53 pm

@Charlie O – Exaclty!
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