Low Sex Contortions

March 4, 2016

in Uncategorized

A while ago we were with a group of folks. One man was actively working to get his family to go home rather early, and I think I know why. He wanted sex, and he was afraid he wouldn’t get it if they stayed late. Actually, he probably knew he wouldn’t get it if they stayed late.

You may wonder how on earth I could know this was what was going on. I know because I did the same many times when our sex life was more rare than well done. I knew it because I’ve been there and done that.

Rare beef © Dani Vincek | dollarphotoclub.com

When we feel starved for something, we become focused on getting that thing. We start to look at everything said and done in terms of how it improves or diminishes the odds of getting what we want/need. This is human nature and we all do it to some degree. When a man feels deprived of sex he may do this on steroids.

And yes, of course, this is annoying and often destructive. It means being drug away from things before you want to leave, or having to fight to stay. It means he says no to invitations because he thinks it will cost him sex. What he chooses to do with you becomes all about maximising the chance of “getting lucky”. He may avoid bringing up difficult things he really needs to say or hide bad news because it will reduce the likelihood of sex. The ugly backside of that last one is he dumps stuff on you after sex – either as a twisted form of afterglow or at breakfast the next morning.

For the Men Reading Along:

Does my putting this in words show you how silly and counter-productive it is? It makes you less desirable and it limits her enjoyment of life. Neither of these is actually a good way to get your wife in the mood!

For You Ladies:

Now you understand why he does it. You could confront him and tell him to knock it off. Good luck with that, you’ll need it. Alternatively, you can deal with the root of the issue; his sex drive is not being defused often enough. In particular, if you want to stay late somewhere, take care of him before you leave. Jump in the shower with him and take care of him by hand, or have a quickie. With his mind no longer locked into gotta-get-sex mode, both of you can enjoy your time out.

~ Paul – I’m XY, and I feel bad about what I did in the name of getting sex.

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{ 11 comments… read them below or add one }

1980B.C. March 4, 2016 at 12:25 pm

I don’t know if it shows me how silly and counter productive it is, but it at least opened my eyes to that I was doing it, or that it was a thing guys do. It’s so natural for me to order my life around maximizing my chances of sex, and not missing my one opportunity for the next week or so that I hadn’t even noticed it as an unhealthy contortion of my life. It’s just how I get by. Well, awareness is the first step. I’ll have to figure out how to move forward from here.


Sarah March 4, 2016 at 1:40 pm

That is so foreign to me that I still don’t know if I will realize that he’s doing it. I am very glad you posted about this. It would have never, ever occurred to me.


tilwehavefaces March 4, 2016 at 2:44 pm

Simply, and perhaps crassly, this is why I masturbate. I’ve done my fair share of schedule contortions to maximize the chances, and of course on our designated weekly night (not weekly by my choice as I’d prefer 2-3 times a week) I do my best to ensure an early bedtime, kids squared away, and most domestic distractions squared away. But after awhile I realized what I was doing and didn’t like it. I want to actually enjoy life instead of going though it furtively like a starving man. So if she won’t take care of me, I’ll take care of me, and then we can go to parties or watch movies or whatever without me getting antsy. Is it an ideal solution? Of course not. I pray regularly for her awakening. But it’s my coping mechanism for now.


Jolie March 4, 2016 at 4:19 pm

Simply Wow!

How do you guys live with yourselves?

Hmmm, a preventative shot of oxytocin before you take him out in public.
Interesting concept.


Paul Byerly March 4, 2016 at 8:18 pm

@Jolie – I suppose the reply would be it’s how we live with far less sex than we want and need. Not that I’m excusing it, two wrongs and all that.
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oldermarried52 March 9, 2016 at 11:44 am

Actually, it isn’t an easy existence. But since you mention drugs, I find that (as a husband) when I take my prescribed pain medication, it softens or actually eradicates my desire for sex. My wife doesn’t even notice, as she would never think of sex, if I didn’t remind her. We go merrily along, happy roomies.

Honestly, she would never think of sex, if I didn’t ask, and asking for something someone doesn’t want in return makes you beholden to them, not a good relationship situation.

Before we were married, she was the gatekeeper, and so it continued later, and years passed before I realized I had been duped. Many many marriages are like this.


Me March 4, 2016 at 5:31 pm

Well, I guess not having to deal with this is one benefit of having a low drive husband. Gotta find that silver lining!


Libl March 5, 2016 at 9:53 am

I wonder how many women (and some men) contort their lives to AVOID having sex. I imagine in a marriage where one is comforting to and the other against, it has to be exhausting and frustrating.

Perhaps this is why the Bible says let your yays be yays and your nays nays.

Yes, it does help for a husband to pitch in with tasks and child care and help a busy wife wind down and chill, then build her up with foreplay. But, if she isn’t sex positive or at least relationship-concerned, you are merely jumping through hoops and shooting in the dark.


Paul Byerly March 6, 2016 at 8:33 am

@Libl – I certainly have heard from men and women who think their spouse does this, and I suspect they are often right.
I think much of this is really about control. Even if it starts out being about sex, it can become more about control.
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oldermarried52 March 9, 2016 at 11:53 am

I agree with Paul that it is indeed about control. Old saying: “It is a gentleman’s prerogative to ask, and a lady’s duty to refuse.” This is regarding premarital sex.

For us, any discussion of future marital sex was avoided, despite my asking. I guess I should not have taken it for virginal lack of experience.

“All will be well, after we are married,” I was told.

What was meant was that she would meet what she deemed my needs were, as long as they met her pre-determined criteria. Control, and making sure I did exactly as I was told, and then, I might be gifted with sex, which, was after all, “for the man.”

Pretty sad way to live.


Paul Byerly March 9, 2016 at 6:26 pm

@oldermarried52 – To be fair, some women feel sex is the only thing they can control, so they must control it to feel they have any control at all. The word sexorexia has been used to describe this.
Other times it’s more about manipulation, and all to offten it’s rooted in some sexual abuse from long before marriage.
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