A while ago we were with a group of folks. One man was actively working to get his family to go home rather early, and I think I know why. He wanted sex, and he was afraid he wouldn’t get it if they stayed late. Actually, he probably knew he wouldn’t get it if they stayed late.
You may wonder how on earth I could know this was what was going on. I know because I did the same many times when our sex life was more rare than well done. I knew it because I’ve been there and done that.
When we feel starved for something, we become focused on getting that thing. We start to look at everything said and done in terms of how it improves or diminishes the odds of getting what we want/need. This is human nature and we all do it to some degree. When a man feels deprived of sex he may do this on steroids.
And yes, of course, this is annoying and often destructive. It means being drug away from things before you want to leave, or having to fight to stay. It means he says no to invitations because he thinks it will cost him sex. What he chooses to do with you becomes all about maximising the chance of “getting lucky”. He may avoid bringing up difficult things he really needs to say or hide bad news because it will reduce the likelihood of sex. The ugly backside of that last one is he dumps stuff on you after sex – either as a twisted form of afterglow or at breakfast the next morning.
For the Men Reading Along:
Does my putting this in words show you how silly and counter-productive it is? It makes you less desirable and it limits her enjoyment of life. Neither of these is actually a good way to get your wife in the mood!
For You Ladies:
Now you understand why he does it. You could confront him and tell him to knock it off. Good luck with that, you’ll need it. Alternatively, you can deal with the root of the issue; his sex drive is not being defused often enough. In particular, if you want to stay late somewhere, take care of him before you leave. Jump in the shower with him and take care of him by hand, or have a quickie. With his mind no longer locked into gotta-get-sex mode, both of you can enjoy your time out.
~ Paul – I’m XY, and I feel bad about what I did in the name of getting sex.
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