Most Viewed #3: Near Daily Sex

March 7, 2016

in Uncategorized

Last week we left the RV (and computers) in Austin and drove to Colorado Springs. We have just finished attending The Restoration of the Heart, a conference done by John Eldredge and Dan Allender. Next weekend we will be speaking here. So, this week I am running the three most read posts during 2015. Not the best of 2015, the posts with the most reads during the year. Enjoy!

By the way, about a third of my posts are directly about sex. However, I had to go to the 26th most read post to find one not about sex. 


#3: Near Daily Sex

I’m pleasantly surprised this post made the top three. Since I wrote this I head my friend  J. Parker of Hot, Holy & Humorous us the phrase “Sex more days than not.” I like that a lot!


Based on the title, I suspect you’re either thinking “I wish” or “no way”. If it’s the latter, please hear me out – it could make a big difference in your marriage.

What does Near Daily Sex mean?

  • It means both of you are intentional about having sex most days.
  • It means you’re not rigid or legalistic about it – life happens, and some days sex won’t happen.
  • It means a fairly wide definition of “sex”. 

The last of those is critical for this to work. If you have the time for an hour of love making every day, more power to you – most folks are far too busy. Sex can be anything from most of Saturday afternoon, to a quickie, to you do something to him in the shower. It can (and should) mean climax for both of you when you so desire, but it can also be just for him if you’re not particularly interested. This is actually a sticking point for some men because they get weird about sex just for them. If you run into this explain you enjoy sex in many ways, and orgasm is not always required.

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Why would you want to try to have sex of some sort most days?

  • It takes the pressure off the higher drive spouse. No worrying about having sex; there’s enough that an occasional missed day is no big deal.
  • It also takes the pressure off the lower drive spouse because the bar has been lowered with regards to what qualifies as sex. The lower drive spouse can “meet the requirement” far more easily and without fear of complaints.
  • The lower drive spouse is free to decide they want more as any sex act progresses.
  • There is far less pressure for the sex to be great. If it’s mediocre today it’s okay, because it won’t be days and days before you do it again. 
  • There is less mediocre sex because practice does make perfect – or at least much better.
  • Some women find being sexual daily (with or without climax) makes them more interested in sex and able to climax more easily and more powerfully when they choose to do so.
  • It’s good for your marriage. All other things being equal, couples who have more sex have better marriages. (Study after study shows this.)
  • It’s great for mental, emotional and physical health (see here and here for example).
  • He can slow down and give more attention to her pleasure. A lack of sex causes a man to get tunnel vision about his orgasm. When sex happens almost daily he is able to focus more on his wife.
  • Better sleep! Aside from the fact sex relaxes us, any bedtime habit makes sleep easier. If you have sex most nights you’ll likely find yourself falling asleep faster and sleeping better.

I realise this is a scary precedent to set, but it could make a huge difference in your marriage. Odds are you stand to gain far more than you could lose.

And Yes: I know some of you have the higher sex drive in your marriage. All of the above still applies. I also know some of you can’t imagine sex without climax – I’m not suggesting you try that if you have no interest.

~ Paul – I’m XY, and I know a lot of men will read this and think “I wish!”

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{ 18 comments… read them below or add one }

Hiswifeagain March 7, 2016 at 5:52 am

When I first read this post a little over a year ago, I pretty much agreed with it, but have found the following statements not to be true in my situation.

There is far less pressure for the sex to be great. If it’s mediocre today it’s okay, because it won’t be days and days before you do it again. (The days and days part is true, it’s the “it’s okay” part that is NOT true.)

There is less mediocre sex because practice does make perfect – or at least much better. (Not necessarily true if you’re doing the same mediocre things over and over.)

Because I know my husband needs sex to connect with me emotionally and I’m committed to not saying “no” without good reason, 9/10 times it’s rushed, hurry up because we’re already late for bed, mediocre sex.

I guess in our case quantity wins over quality. And yes, he’s been made aware of my desire for less quickies and wants to change it, but months later and nothing’s different.

I just wanted to point out that “near daily sex” isn’t always a good thing. He seemed to try a lot harder when I said “no” more than “yes”, but since that’s sin, I’m praying about it and trusting God is using this for good in ways I’m not aware of.

My dh is really a wonderful, godly man that is a better husband than I deserve, and is trying hard to do his best, (He struggles with time management) so I’m cutting him slack and waiting on the Lord.


Paul Byerly March 7, 2016 at 7:50 am

@Hiswifeagain – First I applaud you for not withholding sex to get what you want and need. It would work, for a time, but in the end, your marriage would be even worse off.
I’d bet your husband is far too busy. He makes time for what he needs, but not as much for what you need. Yes that’s selfish, but it’s also human nature. When we are in fire putting out mode we generally ignore anything we don’t perceive as a fire. Praying God shows him how he’s hurting you.
Paul Byerly recently posted…Most Viewed #6: More Time on Her BreastsMy Profile


Hiswifeagain March 7, 2016 at 8:29 am

Thanks :). You’re right about the busyness. I think he believes there is nothing he could feel good about cutting back on. He spends 2 hours on the road getting to and from work. That doesn’t leave much time for other things in the evening. I have made an occasional suggestion where he could change his routine to make extra time, but he’s methodical and quickly goes back to his more lengthy routines. ;)


Sarah March 7, 2016 at 11:56 am

Since I started studying the subject to help our very mediocre marriage two months ago, I decided to do this on my own. I had basically zero desire due to other emotional problems. I knew it would put him in a better mood and make him treat me more kindly which I found humiliating and degrading. “Give me sex. I’ll be nice to you.” was in essence what I felt was happening.

After much prayer, I decided to try it for three months and simply sacrifice my personal feelings and acknowledge that he didn’t understand what he was doing to me and to show grace assuming that he had no idea how much he hurt me.

My husband is 40. We used to be once a week or a few times a month. I went to him, apologized, explained that I was in ignorance as to how important sex was to him, told him that I wished as I was the virgin in the marriage that he had taken more time to teach me instead of immediately being angry with me at my lack of sexual knowledge, and that I wanted our next ten years to be better than our first. I told him that I intended to change to “anytime, anywhere” starting this moment. He was shocked and didn’t believe me until I proceed to show him my new outfit. Over the next two months we made incredible progress in every area of our lives. My ideas on the anywhere has especially made my man adore “my new racy wife”.

I had thought that an increase would also help his desire to level out, but that’s not the case. It simply continues to ratchet up. We now average two to three times a day, sometimes in the middle of night when he wakes me up, with our highest being five. (I didn’t know that men could physically do that. He told me that he didn’t either, but is happy to discover he can.)

He’s so incredibly happy, relaxed and open to resolving problems. I wish someone had told me when I got married 10 years ago that sex = love for men instead of after my 10th anniversary. Our marriage could have been entirely different. I am happy that we are making progress now. And most of all – I am getting teary – that my husband is actually smiling at me and happy to be with me again, not trying to be happy and telling me all the time how he wishes I were different.


K March 7, 2016 at 4:50 pm

@Sarah I’m happy things are getting so much better for you and your husband. It took a lot of strength and courage for you to own your role and decide to change. Your husband is fortunate to have such a loving wife!
As far as the “leveling out”, it might with more time. Right now he is still coming out of starvation mode. He is enjoying the feast! The change is also still new enough that he may fear things will go back to the old status quo. It’s been a little over a year since my husband and I have reconnected sexually (he was the refuser for many years). We went from 3-4 times per year to averaging about 4-5 times per week. I’m just starting to feel like I’m out of complete starvation mode. I still worry a lot that something with happen to make things go back to way they were. I’m super sensitive to any “sign” that looks like reverting back to refusal could be a possibility. I also feel we still have a lot of lost time to make up. That thinking is something I’m working on, but am not ready to give up yet (I’m still healing). I know it’s impossible to make up for all the time that was lost, but that thought still hurts a lot.
I hope this might give you some idea of what could be going on with him. Give it time and keep reassuring him that you’re in this new adventure for the long haul. Best wishes to both of you! You’ll be in my prayers.


Paul Byerly March 8, 2016 at 9:22 am

@Sarah – I agree with “K” about the issue of frequency and him coming out of starvation mode. When sex has been rare for a decade or more it takes a minimum of a year to find a new normal. Additionally, he’s enjoying the chance to have the kind of sex life he expected when the two of you got married.

“K” is also right about the fear of things going back to how they were – and that fear will last far longer than a year. This is not about you, it’s human nature and fear. If something happens and there is no sex or a lot less sex for a time be sure to let him know it’s a temporary thing, not a return to the old way.

One other thing – your husband is approaching the age where sex drive becomes a bit less demanding internally. At this point, a man is still able to have sex multiple times a day (assuming he was able to start with) but it no longer feels like a major crisis if he goes 48 hours. It’s all the pleasure with far less internal turmoil and angst. It’s a great place for man to be, especially if he has a willing wife!
Paul Byerly recently posted…Most Viewed #5: The Sin of BusynessMy Profile


Sarah March 8, 2016 at 2:27 pm

@K @Paul Thank you both for the encouragement. I really appreciate it – and need it. I feel confused as to whether or not I’ve really done the right thing. He is a hard-working, good man who wants to honor God, but he has no idea how to be tender or caring emotionally with me. Yet, he’s convinced that he does. I am trying to mix being unselfish with helping him and our marriage with not being a doormat. Finding the right balance is a challenge.

The hard part is frankly the sacrifice of my emotion. He is so happy. When he holds me and says, “Isn’t this wonderful? Aren’t you so much happier? Don’t you feel so much better?” as he tells much how much he loves me, I just smile, say nothing and kiss him.

I can’t answer him because the honest answer is “No, this is why I stopped having sex with you to begin with – because it wounds me so deeply, causes me such intense pain. I was much happier when I wasn’t being treated like the beloved wife in bed and unimportant outside of it.

Refusing you was much easier because then I felt unloved in both places which was consistent behavior. I am stifling my emotion on how much your cutting sarcasm an hour ago hurt me and your angry outburst the day before. I talked to you about both, but you brushed aside my feelings as ‘unreasonable’ and laughed at me which hurt me terribly. Yet, you have the audacity to tell me that you love me just because I gave you sex two hours ago and am doing it again and promised again once the kids go to bed. And if I tell you, you will get angry again at my ‘excuses’ to not have sex with you and tell me to ‘stop making things up’.

I’m doing this despite how I feel. I am doing this for you. And it’s making me very, very unhappy. In fact, I cry about it while you are at work, but at least one of us is truly happy now. And to me, that’s progress.”


Paul Byerly March 8, 2016 at 4:54 pm

@Sarah – I would suggest asking for small, simple changes from him. Praise him when he gets it right, and gently nudge when he fails several times. He should be in a better place to learn now, he just needs some help.
Paul Byerly recently posted…Most Viewed #5: The Sin of BusynessMy Profile


Jolie March 8, 2016 at 5:42 pm

I wasn’t going to comment on this article because at one point I found myself in the same situation with the same horrible feelings that Sarah is expressing above. I continued to force myself to endure frequent sex because I was under the impression that if it made my husband happy and content, I would find myself happier and more content. IT DOESN’T ALWAYS WORK THAT WAY!

With me, it backfired and I wound up with a full blown case of sexual aversion.
I found I was compromising my inner most being for the sake of my husband’s sexual happiness. I began to hate sex and to hate being touched. We have since worked through all of that, but it took years and loads of tears and work.

That’s why I have come to this blog. It is one of the only places that understands that sex isn’t always easy for us women. It sounds like Sarah is trying to figure out how to fix what’s wrong in her relationship. I admire her strength and commitment . But if it doesn’t feel right, it probably isn’t the right thing to do.

This may not be my place to speak. But I’m concerned

Oh, my stomach is in a tight ball right now. I don’t want her to end up where I did.
Sometimes plain old fashioned sex just isn’t the answer! A starving husband is much easier to fix than a wife who has learned to hate sex.


Paul Byerly March 8, 2016 at 7:27 pm

@Jolie – Thank you very much for sharing.
Sacrifice for one’s spouse is always a tricky thing. Is it difficult, or does it violate you inner self? The first is loving, the second is destructive to both you and your relationship.
So much of this comes down to how we think and feel about things, and that is largely set by our past. So much of what makes marriage difficult comes from long before the couple met.
Paul Byerly recently posted…Most Viewed #5: The Sin of BusynessMy Profile


Jolie March 10, 2016 at 12:21 pm

@Paul- I appreciate your insights.
I can assure you, working as a sexual assault advocate does nothing positive for a persons attitude toward sex and/or male needs. And of course, hearing a women in sexual pain triggers protective defenses to emerge.
I apologize for the above out burst.


Paul Byerly March 21, 2016 at 3:32 pm

@Jolie – I understand what you mean. Dealing with what happened to Lori made me pretty mad at men in general for a while, and I am a man!
No apology necessary.
Paul Byerly recently posted…Choose to Evolve – IntelligentlyMy Profile

M March 9, 2016 at 10:06 am

I am a very emotional, sensitive person. For most of our marriage (married 22 years) I struggled to get my husband to understand my feelings and respect them and me. (He often has a hard time understanding other people’s feelings and opinions if they are different from his). It took a long time, but God has finally showed me that He made me a sensitive person and my tender heart does not make me inferior. So I told my husband that he does NOT get to decide if my feelings are important or worthwhile or logical or whatever. If you love someone, and something is very important to them (and is not sin), you treat that with respect whether or not you understand it. I have stuck to my guns on this and things have improved. I applaud you for your efforts to help your marriage by respecting your husband’s priorities, but you need to insist that he respect yours also. I do agree with Paul’s advice – small changes with lots of praise for when he gets it right. But I think you need to explain that he does NOT have to understand or think your feelings are logical for him to treat you with respect. You will probably have to explain this more than once, but it’s very important and he needs to get this.


Paul Byerly March 9, 2016 at 6:29 pm

@M “Different, not wrong.”
Paul Byerly recently posted…Most Viewed #4: Answers to a Few Common QuestionsMy Profile


K March 9, 2016 at 12:10 pm

@Sarah I’m sorry that he doesn’t understand what you need from him in order to help you want and enjoy sex. Is he open to counseling at all? If so, I’d recommend it. If he won’t go, think about going for yourself. Seeking counseling from a Christian counselor has helped me tremendously. I don’t think I’d be doing this well without it. One thing it did was help me figure out what I needed to communicate to my husband so he would know what I needed from him. It also gave me a place to vent my hurt and anger without always directing it at my husband. Believe me, he now realizes how much he hurt me and how angry I was (and still am). But, it is nice to have someone else to talk with about it. She also helped me know that forgiveness takes time and is a process. It’s not something that happens overnight and forgiving doesn’t mean the anger dissipates immediately. Grieving is important for healing. It seems like you and your husband both have hurt and a sense of loss that needs to be grieved.

It sounds like your husband doesn’t realize there is pain on both sides. I pray that he will come to understand how he is hurting you and will make changes also.


libl March 19, 2016 at 6:29 pm

You can address your husband’s bad behavior outside the context of sex. A simple, firm, “your remark was very sarcastic and I do not appreciate it, ” lets him know that his behavior is unacceptable to you. Repeat as necessary. If he balks, stand firm without arguing. A softer answer would be, “Honey, please don’t speak to me that way.”

You don’t have to argue with him until he says you are right. Instead, just stand firm and repeat as necessary. Your consistency and standing firm on your boundaries will speak louder than any tear filled argument.

Women married to stubborn men such as your husband have to act differently than women married to generous men or sensitive men. Actions speak louder than words.

It is also ok to tell your husband that you intend to keep your promise to him concerning sex, but his behavior towards you makes it a real struggle and you do not enjoy it.

I used to cow to my husband at the first arrow of accusation and assumption on his part. It killed me that he thought so little or wrong of me so I gave in. Now, I speak up more. Fight lies with Truth. He can rail lies all day long, but I counter them with Truth.

For example:

Him: any excuse not to have sex.
Wife: it is not an excuse, it is a struggle. I cannot connect with you sexually when you are sarcastic towards me.


Me March 10, 2016 at 10:56 am

This post makes me want to scream “WHAT IS SO WRONG WITH ME?!?”

I really want to know. I want to know why my husband and I seem backwards. I want to know why I can’t be like a normal woman who is strongly desired and yet has to “tolerate” sex. I want to know WHY I enjoy being with my husband so much, and yet once a week is good enough for him. I honestly cannot be that repulsive of a woman.

Someone mentioned in the comments “I continued to force myself to endure frequent sex…” Huh? I know we are all different, but that just blows my mind. Why is one wife blessed with frequent sex which she feels forced to endure, while I would love more sex, but I have to be happy with once, maybe twice a week? Why all the mismatch? I have honestly wondered if God uses mismatched drives as a growing experience.

That being said, for once, I’d like to be NORMAL. I’d like to be the woman who is pursued and LOVED. Not just told “I love you” – but actually shown.

I LOVE my husband enormously. I just wish he wanted me as often as all other men seem to want their wives. How can a man with such a sex positive wife be so satisfied with once a week. I’d love to know WHY. Near daily sex? Ha! I wish!!!


Paul Byerly March 12, 2016 at 8:30 am

@Me – For what it’s worth, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with you. There should be some natural variation, but I suspect you are closer to what God intended than many women. Maybe on the higher drive end of what God intended, but well on the curve.
Given how our society treats women and sex, it’s amazing any women has any interest in sex. We’ve totally destroyed what God intended. Now it’s getting so bad men are also losing their natural, God-given desire – which is probably what’s happened to your husband.
The why is we live in a fallen world. I know it’s a Sunday-school answer, but it’s also the truth. I just wish the church would see it for the problem is it and fight for change.
Paul Byerly recently posted…Most Viewed #1: Why Wives Say No to Sex & What He Can Do About itMy Profile


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