Most Viewed #1: Why Your Husband Wants You to Wear Lingerie But Won’t Tell You

March 11, 2016

in Uncategorized

Lori and I are away from our RV – and our computers, so this week I’m doing the three most read posts during 2015. Not the best of 2015, the posts with the most reads during the year. Enjoy!


#1: Why Your Husband Wants You to Wear Lingerie But Won’t Tell You

I know several blogs linked to the post, which certainly helped its numbers. Beyond that, I suspect it’s something women really don’t get but want to understand.


Today a Guest post from Daniel Robertson of God’s Help For Marriage. I stumbled across his site a month ago and liked what I saw, and I am happy to introduce him to my readers here.

~ Paul – I’m XY and so is Daniel

Chances are good that if you ask your husband, he’ll tell you he’d like it if you wore lingerie more often.

And yet I’ve heard from women that they don’t really “get” lingerie because it is impractical. You put it on just so he can rip it off a little later? But practicality is one of the last things you should be thinking about when it comes to sex!

Sexy bra © IbanMontero |

Men in our culture almost universally find this to be very alluring, and for good reason. I’m sure you already know that men are wired to respond to visual stimuli, but this is only the tip of the iceberg as to why we enjoy seeing our wife in some sexy undergarments. In this post I’d like to explore some of these reasons as well as why he may be reluctant to share this desire with you.

  • The Tantalizing Tease: Lingerie covers up your essential parts, but only just enough to practically force him to pay attention!
  • The Invitation to Exploration: You are offering an invitation for him to discover exactly what you’re hiding under those scraps. Not that he doesn’t already know, of course.
  • Enhancing Your Visual Appeal: If men are so visual, you may be wondering why nude isn’t better? Lingerie enhances your natural beauty the same way makeup and nice clothes do, or the way you use decorations to dress up a house.
  • Opening Up the Playground: Paul already covered why men like to play in the entire playground. Lingerie  opens some new options for play that your husband wouldn’t have, otherwise.
  • Offering Your Body:  Your body is a gift just for your husband, and lingerie is the wrapping that he can choose to rip off in a hungry zeal or carefully peel away with great care.
  • Variety: Exploration, adventure and variety play a big role in men’s sexuality, it is a part of how we are wired. With a number of different sexy outfits, you can offer plenty of exciting variety for him to discover.
  • Show Your Enthusiasm: Finally, lingerie sends a clear message: “Come and take me!”

The common thread running through all of these is that by wearing lingerie you are making yourself available for sex. In fact, you might say that you are actually initiating sex by doing nothing more than wearing something hot and letting him see it!

As much as most men would love to see their wife in lingerie more often, many will not tell her about this desire. There a few reasons why  this may be true of your husband:

  • He’s Shy: He might just have a hard time voicing his desires. This is common in “B type” men like myself.
  • Fear of Rejection: If he’s afraid of being rejected it could be because a history of past rejection, or it could be because he avoids anything that MIGHT result in a rejection even if the history is not there to lead him to expect it.
  • He Doesn’t Want to Pressure You: Most men understand that women have trouble with lingerie due to body image issues or lack of confidence. He may not want to make you feel pressured into doing this for him.
  • He Wants to be Surprised: Most people won’t ask for a gift. If lingerie is the wrapping on the gift of your body, then he won’t want to spoil the surprise by asking for it.

One of the greatest gifts you can give your husband is to offer him something he secretly desires without being asked. Sometime soon, try surprising him by slipping into something sexy. Or ask him to go to the lingerie store with you to pick something out together.

Or maybe you can ask him if this is something he wants. Some men do prefer a full birthday suit.

Daniel Robertson is a guest author who teaches Christian couples to build a strong marriage foundation based on Biblical principles. You can learn how to draw your husband out of his emotional shell with this post or you can download my free report “The 7 Pillars of a Godly Marriage” here

Porn Survey: It’s been a while since we did a survey on porn, and I’m getting ready to write on the subject, so it’s a good time to ask about Porn Exposure. As this is a growing problem for women we’d really appreciate you taking a few minutes to answer the survey even if you are not seeing any porn. Thanks!

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{ 15 comments… read them below or add one }

Me March 11, 2016 at 4:34 am

* sigh * An interesting post. I just assumed because he didn’t tell me, it was because he thought I wasn’t good enough to wear it. Or I wasn’t sexy enough to deserve lingerie. You know, like my body didn’t qualify.

When I got tired of reading articles about why men love lingerie (at least on women they find attractive), I asked my husband what was so wrong with me? Why didn’t he like me in lingerie? His response was an emphatic “I DO!” When I asked, “so why don’t you ever tell me?” His answer was the typical, “I don’t know.” Based on that, the fact that he never mentions it, and that fact that when I do wear it he doesn’t seem to care all that much, I know the truth is he finds me too imperfect to pull it off. I just wish he’d be honest and tell me what he finds so disgusting so I can change it, rather than SAYING I’m pretty but ACTING like I’m never pretty enough.

After reading this though, I don’t know what to think.


Anonymous March 11, 2016 at 4:55 am

I am glad many men like lingerie.
My husband baffles me. He says he doesn’t like lingerie, told me this before we were married. It was confirmed when I wore wedding gifts on our honeymoon. Yet I caught him looking at lingerie models online, and found out he looked at it daily for many months. I don’t know how to process this. He has no explanation, just apologies. So the only conclusion I can come to is the issue is my body and a lack of desire for me.


Libl March 11, 2016 at 8:12 am

Have you considered the Madonna-Whore complex?

Also, porn isn’t about what you like or don’t in reality. It is about what stimulates in fantasy. That is why some straight men watch homosexual porn, or fetishes they would never consider with their spouse. It is complicated, but likely has nothing to do with how you look.


Paul Byerly March 12, 2016 at 8:33 am

@Anonymous – Or, he has a good girl/bad girl mentality. Good girls, the kind a man wants to marry, don’t wear such things.
I know this sounds contrived, but it’s a reality for plenty of men. Not all of them do it about lingerie, it may be certain sex acts or wanting sex, something else. This puts him in an impossible situation of wanting it but not wanting his wife to do it.
Paul Byerly recently posted…Most Viewed #1: Why Wives Say No to Sex & What He Can Do About itMy Profile


Jolie March 11, 2016 at 9:18 am

Because my husband likes lingerie, I have tried desperately to get past my discomfort with this one.

I grew up more of a tom boy and never liked frilly lacy clothes.
When I wear lingerie I end up feeling awkward as opposed to sexy.

As a young girl, my cousin (male) routinely barged in one me while I was changing, bathing, or using the toilet. Old house no locks on doors. I remember feeling quite vulnerable so I always had a towel or other cover close by to grab in case he popped in for a peek.

Years later, my neighbor and best friend was alerted that we had a peeping tom in the neighborhood. He had taken several pictures of her naked. Another single women down the street came home one day to find sex toys on her bed. Presumably this peeping tom left them there so he could later photograph her using them. Thank God we had two big dogs!

I guess now we’ll be placing masking tape over the peep hole in our hotel room doors :)

Logically I know I should be able to “just get over it.” Emotionally, I’m gonna let this one go.
It’s not worth the therapy bills.

Too bad some men and boys ruin it for others.


Anonymous March 11, 2016 at 12:31 pm

So with the Madonna-whore complex he may love me but not desire me? Up until we were married his desire was high. Now it is extremely low.
What are my options in such a situation?


sunny-dee March 11, 2016 at 3:43 pm

Same boat here — the first couple of months we were dating, my husband was incredibly touchy-feely. I thought his (rapid) cool off was because I wouldn’t have sex until we were married and it was better just to stop cold turkey. Nope! We didn’t have sex until 3 days into the honeymoon, and then not for another 3 weeks (I think). He asked me to stop trying to initiate, never responded to lingerie, and (when I asked what he fantasized about), he said he didn’t see me in that way. I know he fantasizes about other women though.

I think there is a lot of the Madonna-whore complex going on. He wants stability, love, loyalty, companionship, which he really gets only from me … but he has desire for pretty much everyone not me. I did look up the M-w complex, and the results really aren’t good. Marriages tend to end in adultery or divorce because it’s not an issue that gets addressed. I’m trying to just be happy with the way things are and not look for anything else.


sunny-dee March 11, 2016 at 3:45 pm

Oh, oh, to answer your question — in the Madonna-whore complex, men divide women into two categories. Madonnas are good girls, the ones that they look at for commitment, emotional support, and affection. They are the ones the men “love.” However, whores are the ones that they interact with sexually. Men don’t view someone that they can have sex with as someone worthy of love (and vice versa).


Libl March 11, 2016 at 5:02 pm

Better explanation than what I could come up with. Thank you! There are varying degrees, but it comes down to healing only comes from getting to the root of the issue and getting it all out….with third party help.

If YOU want to wear lingerie, do so! Be sexy, bold, confident for yourself and don’t expect much from him.

Another thing I want to point out is sometimes we wives are shy or uncomfortable in our lingerie and our men notice that and decide to stop asking or even liking it because they don’t want to hurt us or make us uncomfortable about sex.

Another thing may be a desire to lust, look at porn, but know it is wrong so they justify with tamer fare they can explain away, like “lingerie shopping.”

There is a lot of supposing going on here, so tread wisely. Ultimately, I am explaining that it has nothing to do with how you look in lingerie.


Paul Byerly March 12, 2016 at 8:42 am

@Anonymous – He may desire you too, and feel bad or wrong for that.
I’ve talked a couple of men who either went to a prostitute or seriously considered it to engage in some “wrong sex act” they desperately wanted to try. They would never ask their wife to do such a thing, and would be traumatised if she suggested it. But they still desired it.
If this is your hubby, it’s because of something in his past and it has nothing to do with you. Of course, it makes your life a mess, so it does affect you. Solving it requires him being willing to dig into his stuff, find the problem, and deal with it. Sadly many men are not into doing such things. In fact just getting him to admit the problem may be difficult.
You might shock him into acknowledging the problem by dressing in something “shocking” and suggesting doing something “kinky”. Of course, this could also go very wrong, so I’d say do a lot of prayer and thinking before considering it.
The less risky approach is to try talking about it, but most men won’t want to do that.
Another option is trying to discuss it during sex when his raging drive might push him through. Ask him “Would you like it if I wore _____ for you” and see what happens.
Or, if it’s not limiting your sex life too much, maybe just live with it.
Paul Byerly recently posted…Most Viewed #1: Why Wives Say No to Sex & What He Can Do About itMy Profile


Anonymous March 12, 2016 at 3:23 pm

I talked to him today. He didn’t have much to say, but did listen. He is considering delving into my theories (it being an issue in his past).
Raging hormones don’t exist for him with me. Before we were married it was a challenge, and we waited for marriage for sex. It was almost like as soon as he knew he could satisfy me, his desire vanished. If I dress up to go out, he doesn’t notice. If I’m naked, he looks me in my eyes and doesn’t acknowledge it. If a girl walks by when we’re out that is a certain type though, he will stop what he is doing to watch till she is out of sight. He once commented to a friend on what she had worn the last 5 times he saw her, but couldn’t recall what I wore the day before (I happened to wonder aloud about what I wore before we left the house, so was shocked to hear him comment on her clothing within hours of not recalling what I wore the day before).
It has been hard, and I no longer blame myself. But it definitely has affected my self-confidence and comfort level with what I wear, and I no longer want to dress up because of the feelings of rejection not noticing me but noticing others brings.
I am praying about it.
Thank you for sharing.


Anonymous March 11, 2016 at 7:09 pm

Thank you so much. This makes sense. I have some research to do.


Lynn March 12, 2016 at 6:22 am

I’m grateful that my husband doesn’t make me feel like an awkward idiot when I put on impractical bedroom lingerie. I know I look like a fool – but not to him. He gives me pretty clear evidence of that!


Mrs. Swanson March 12, 2016 at 2:02 pm

It also helps to define lingerie. I kept trying lacy things only to find out that strappy tops (like a cami), leggings, and button down flannel shirts count as lingerie to him. That last one was a game changer.


Paul Byerly March 13, 2016 at 5:47 pm

@Mrs. Swanson – Maybe “sexy clothing” is a better way to put it, and this does vary a huge amount from man to man. It also tends to fall along age lines too.
Paul Byerly recently posted…Take in a Couple or TwoMy Profile


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