The Sex Question

March 18, 2016

in Uncategorized

The issues of asking and answering questions are even trickier when the question is about sex. Fear and uncertainty mean the questions are full of subtext and “statements of fact” which may not be accurate. Below are a few common things men ask, followed by the real question they probably want answered. Of course, men differ, so some of these may not apply to your husband, but most will be true for most men. Some of the “asked questions” are not questions as listed, but trust me, it’s a question!

Question mark sex © Paul H. Byerly

The Question: “Do you want to have sex?”
The Real Question: “Would you be willing to have sex?”

The Question: “Did you enjoy it?”
The Real Question: Would you please tell me sex is fantastic and you desire me deeply?

The Question: “I’ve heard/read you can ______.” or “Did you know some people _____.”
The Real Question: “Would you think I was a total pervert if I wanted to try _______?”

The Question: “Are you tired?”
The Real Question: “Is it too late to have sex? If not, can we do it before it is?”

The Question: “Are you ready?” or “Are you close”
The Real Question: “Would you be willing to give me feedback so I have some clue what’s going on with you during sex?”

The Question: “Did you climax?”
The Real Question: This could be “Did you climax?” but it could also be “Would you please tell me you enjoyed it?”

The Question: “Does that feel good?”
The Real Question: “Would you tell me how to make you feel good?”

The Question: “I know you don’t like _____”
The Real Question: “Can you tell me why you don’t like it, and what might make it possible to try it?”

~ Paul – I’m XY, and I’m learning to ask the real question.

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{ 8 comments… read them below or add one }

Sarah March 18, 2016 at 3:25 pm

Wow. I would have never figured that out. I’m surprised as that sounds weak when I would think men would be direct about something so important to them.

There is a reason why “bodice ripper” romance novels (which I don’t read) show strong men crushing women in their arms. We don’t want brutes, but we do like strong men – if I may speak in general for women.

Walking across the room, strongly taking your wife in your arms and kissing her like you did when you were first married while staring into her eyes, saying something like, “You are so beautiful, Darling. I can’t get enough of you. Let me make us both happy tonight. Please, please, don’t say ‘no’. You will never know how much I love you, Sweetheart.” in between deep kisses while crushing her against your chest seems to me likely to have a much higher success rate than a weak little “Are you too tired? Do you want to have sex?”.

But, maybe that’s just me.


Paul Byerly March 19, 2016 at 4:31 pm

@Sarah – The issue is hearing no too many times. No hurts, and no one likes to risk being hurt. A less strong ask means being less out there if you hear no.

As for what you suggest, it works well for some women, some of the time. But most men who try this often get an earful pretty quick. When she’s up for it, it’s a great approach. When she’s not it’s seen as rude. Just can’t win.
Paul Byerly recently posted…A Good Way to Have Less SexMy Profile


Sarah March 19, 2016 at 10:05 pm

Thank you. That is really strange to me. I’ve never met a woman who got mad when her husband romances her even about sex, but since we tend to have friends who are like ourselves, that probably explains it. If you are already angry at him and he fskes it or uses it as a way to not have to apologize or something, I can see it as being irritating. Otherwise, for a woman to get angry at her husband for trying to be romantic, I do feel very sorry for him. I am hardly the angel wife, but even I can’t imagine doing that. Rude? I can’t see how some compliments, a strong hug and a few kisses could ever be rude. What do these women do to their children? How awful.


Paul Byerly March 21, 2016 at 3:37 pm

@Sarah – If a woman doesn’t want sex, and some don’t, then anything he does aimed at having sex will be rejected.
Sometimes the children get the same treatment. Other times they get too much physical attention from mom. Neither is good for them.
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Rob April 2, 2016 at 7:33 am

Paul is absolutely correct. When a man hears “no” too often from his wife it hurts, and to put yourelf out there like a romance novel cover means suffering even greater pain if you are told no to that.

Which would hurt you more: your husband not eating fast food burgers you bought, or him showing no interest in a four course meal you speant hours preparing?

Also, coming on to your wife like a romance novel cover requires confidence, and a man’s confidence, and even his self worth, is destroyed when his wife tells him no too often.


Anonymous this time March 19, 2016 at 7:19 am

This is a bit personal, but – as we were lying together after we had a really nice experience this morning, my husband mentioned that he liked putting his finger on my private parts, so I took that opportunity to try (again) to school him, by running my finger over his lips and saying, ‘this would be good’, and then I ran my finger the same way over his scrotum, and then I made the same ‘doorbell’ move which is his go-to move and asked him to compare. However I don’t think he got it yet, because he told me again how his first wife liked the thing he does. Gee whiz. But I love him dearly and we had a great time anyway. So much for communication :-)


Paul Byerly March 19, 2016 at 4:33 pm

@Anonymous this time – Even if the first wife did like it (and she may have just put up with it) YOU ARE NOT HER! Oh wait, you know that, don’t you?
Paul Byerly recently posted…A Good Way to Have Less SexMy Profile


Anonymous this time March 22, 2016 at 5:36 am

On the one hand, he did it again this morning. On the other hand, we just had sex four mornings in a row.


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