More on Harsh Words

March 30, 2016

in Uncategorized

Monday I mentioned one reason men may be verbally harsh is projecting themselves on the issue.

Another reason is the combative approach to expressing ideas or suggestions. This is the best-defense-is-a-good-offense approach. A strong (harsh) proposal is less likely to be shot down. In some situations, it may be a useful or necessary method, but it’s not a good plan in marriage.

Offense  Defence  © Stuart Miles |

If your husband feels he has to do this at work, or learned to do it growing up, he may do it with you without even thinking about it. If you feel he might be doing this, make him aware of it by asking him why he starts out aggressively. His first reaction is not likely to be positive, but if it gets him thinking about it change may follow. 

~ Paul – I’m XY, and growing up this was the only chance I had to be heard.

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{ 4 comments… read them below or add one }

libl March 30, 2016 at 3:03 am

More good thoughts that help me respond with grace. And help me examine myself. I sometimes fall into barking orders at my kiddos. I am not their drill Sgt and they are not my little soldiers.

You know, one of the reasons I can’t stand most fictional novels is that most of the time the problems happen because of poor communication, assumptions, poor boundaries, martyr complexes, and someone being the jerk….and they make it sound so fateful and romantic!


Paul Byerly March 31, 2016 at 7:35 am

@libl – Funny how real life does not work that way!
Paul Byerly recently posted…Focus: Givin’ vs. Gettin’My Profile


Me March 30, 2016 at 4:57 am

Ah yes. My husband is a screamer. Or, I am pleased to say, WAS a screamer, but is learning to control this. His mom is a screamer. As is his sister, and his brother. His dad was the calmer parent, but was away often. So I get it that this is how my husband thought communication was supposed to be. For years, I would ask him, “Why do you hate me so much?” He would answer, “I don’t hate you, stop saying that.” And he’d seem to get really upset that I felt that way. But, hello?? If you are screaming your head off, it’s usually a sign of pure hatred.

I told him once, “if I don’t agree with your opinion, I’m not going to change my mind just because you start shouting it at me.” I just don’t get what he didn’t get. When he screams, a lot of the time I stop listening to the words. All I hear is, “you’re worthless and I hate you! You are worthless and I hate you…” It’s pretty harsh AND ineffective.

Fortunately, my husband has finally understood how detrimental this communication style is. He has started praying about it and it has lessened a great deal. He still does it sometimes, but we are both working to improve our communication. God is good!


Paul Byerly March 31, 2016 at 7:37 am

@Me – Good for both of you for working through this. I’ve known families like that, and honestly for them screaming is not an angry thing, or at least not always. It’s just how you communicate at home. Very difficult for those not raised that way.
Paul Byerly recently posted…Focus: Givin’ vs. Gettin’My Profile


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