Sex Lies. What If…

April 29, 2016

in Uncategorized

Some of you are going to read this and think, “Paul’s kind of slow, but he may be getting it”. Be nice to me! ;-)

Last Saturday I asked the men on The Generous Husband blog, What If Women Are Very Sexual?

Couple reacting to sex news  © volnyanskyy |

I once read that when married English knights went out to battle they put their wives in chastity belts. The French knights gave their wives dildoes. I don’t know if this is true or not, but it does paint an interesting picture. Both groups of husbands acknowledged their wives were strongly sexual. (This was the norm in the middle ages: women were seen to want sex more and enjoy it more than men, and were often considered insatiable.) The English reacted with fear driven repression while the French embraced and encouraged a healthy enjoyment of sex for their wives while they were absent. Imagine which group of women was eager to be sexual with their hubby upon his return!

I am increasingly convinced God gave women a strong sex drive. It’s not the same as men’s drive, being as much about thoughts and feelings as physical urges, but it’s powerful all the same. I also think God built women to enjoy sex far more than any man ever could. Consider the fact half a dozen climaxes in a day is beyond most men over the age of 16 while women can theoretically have dozens upon dozens or orgasms a day, and potentially do so with only seconds or minutes between one and the next. Then there’s the fact female orgasms last longer than the average male version. How about the women who can climax just from fantasy with no physical stimulation.  

If God made women so sexual, why is it not what most of us experience? I think it’s because all of us, male and female, have bought into a big pack of lies about female sexuality. 

If you doubt lies could change a person’s sexual experience, let me tell you about a male sex problem called inhibited ejaculation. Men suffering from this condition find it difficult or impossible to reach climax in certain situations. Masturbating alone they do fine, but they can do an hour of intercourse and not get there. In the worst cases he can’t masturbate to orgasm if his wife is in the room – even if she’s on the other side of the room and the lights are out. His body works fine, but his brain makes it impossible for him to function in certain situations. Other men suffer from situational erectile dysfunction. Our brains have a powerful effect on our sexual function, so what we believe can change, cripple, or destroy desire and enjoyment.

God made sex a wonderful gift full of great blessing. The enemy hates good things, so he has worked overtime to mess up our sexuality. Unfortunately, Christians have often agreed with Satan, meaning those who follow Jesus get two sets of sex lies; one from the world and one from the church. 

Considering all this, it seems clear to me neither you nor your husband is experiencing sex as God intended. You have both been bound and crippled by lies, limiting your ability to enjoy each other as you should.

All of this is to urge you to challenge what you think about female sexuality. Then challenge what your husband thinks about it. If you have children, think and pray hard about what to teach them so they don’t walk into marriage full of lies about sex.

~ Paul – I’m XY, and I’m really mad about all the lies!

This week’s survey is on faking orgasm

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{ 14 comments… read them below or add one }

libl April 29, 2016 at 8:48 am

I love that you are acknowledging this, but at the same time it saddens me. Just today I told my husband that our foreplay sucks. He responded, “hey, this isn’t Hollywood!” Last week we were discussing our drives and climaxes. I was trying to get him to understand how I experience sex. I explained that even though I do not climax as often or as easily as he does (under average PIV circumstances….I used to masturbate to climax 6x per day) when I do climax it is powerful, consumes my whole body, and can send my mind and soul to a whole other universe. He just rolled his eyes.

Seriously….how do men even have such high drives when all they get is a pop and fizzle. I get the Washington D.C. 4th of July fireworks display.

For whatever reason, hubby is not at all comfortable with my sexuality except for what fits within his narrow parameters.

I believe I am voraciously and exceptionally passionate and sexual. The shower head and I have a fantastic sex life together when hubby just won’t. (I believe solo masturbation is not good for marriages, but sometimes you just gotta because your spouse is do hard-hearted).

My imagination is vivid and varied. The woman I am after climax is wild and free, uninhibited and exciting….and it is used and squashed.

The damage that has been done to women is great. Men may not see it this way, and many women do not. But it is, and I appreciate Paul believing us ladies and bringing it to light.


Paul Byerly April 29, 2016 at 10:08 am

@libl – I am so sorry.
I don’t understand the fear some men have about their wife’s sexuality. Are they afraid they can’t fulfill her? Are they afraid they can’t keep up? Are they afraid she will go elsewhere? None of these is valid if you understand how women think and feel and what they really want.
Whatever the reason, they are hurting both their wife and their self. Sex is a whole lot better for a man when he fully engages with a passionate woman. In addition to the physical being better, he can learn from her about all the wonderful mental and emotional pleasure sex can bring us.
I see our sex life as a shared ride, and any pleasure either of us has is shared. The better I can make it for her, the better it is for me.


Me April 30, 2016 at 5:23 am

I feel badly for being so sexual. Like I’m defective. The past few years my husbands lack of interest has made me feel ugly and ashamed of my sexuality. I wish I hated sex, but I don’t. I’ve tried praying for my sex drive to go away, but it hasn’t.

I went out on a limb with my husband and I told him I feel that there is an incredibly sexy, passionate woman trapped inside of me and she must never be let out. His response was “don’t feel that way, let her out.” But for what? So she can watch him sleep? Or so she can make a fool out of herself every time she tries to come out and for whatever reason it backfires? Either he laughs (which he has tried to convince me he is happy and not making fun of me, but I’ve been made fun of enough in life to know when I’m being laughed at). So either he laughs, or my timing is wrong and he’s not got the energy (although I think we could all agree he’d have the energy if he actually found me enticing). And so it’s just embarrassing and she must stay trapped inside, where she belongs, and we both (my husband and I) lose out. Most of my fears in this arena stem from a couple years of rejection. He doesn’t see it as rejection, he sees it as any of a list of excuses (too tired, bad day, etc.) but let’s be honest. He’s just not as interested in me as I am in him. Sadly, it is what it is.


Paul Byerly April 30, 2016 at 10:08 am

@Me – I have heard your first paragraph from many, many men. And men are “supposed to” have strong drives.
The truth is God made us all sexual and wanted us to have a whole lot of married sex. Anything else is a lie, and from the father of lies. May we all learn to walk in His truth!
Paul Byerly recently posted…Getting Back to Holy Sex: Adventure and BoundariesMy Profile


Me April 30, 2016 at 12:50 pm

Except I’m a woman, and so me having these feelings makes me even MORE abnormal. I am very feminine and have no desire to be compared to a man.


Paul Byerly May 1, 2016 at 8:08 am

@Me – My point is Godly sexuality is under attack in both men and women. What you describe about yourself is not like a man, it’s very much feminine. The only way it may seem masculine is because your drive is strong – but I think God gave both men and women strong drives.
Paul Byerly recently posted…Sin ManagementMy Profile


Henri April 30, 2016 at 10:54 am

@Me – A big hug to you. I tell you girl, we could be the same person a few years back. Two things (broken record)

1) Believe him until its proven otherwise. I don’t think he is actually laughing at you – I think its just joy for him – have one of those guys myself. Always responds in a way that used to (and at times still does) make me feel so stupid for even trying. Does he mean to, nope, its just how he responds when excited.

2) Let that sexy, passionate woman out. But only let her out for YOU. Don’t have the expectation that he will act a certain way. I really believe that just as guys can get a distorted view on sex from pornography, we as women can get a distorted view on how guys should respond from all things “romance”. So let her out, but only with the caution that she is coming out for you, and not to please him in some way or get him to be interested, or expecting a certain response. That will back fire so badly (ask me how I know!).

Example: my guy does not care for negligee. He has offered ideas of things he likes, but I seriously get more of a response naked, then wearing anything. And when I do wear things, typically its met with some form of laughter, or chuckle, or laughing smile, so I felt stupid. BUT I like wearing things. They make me feel sexy. I used to wear things for a reaction, and it failed every. single. time. I spent so much time crying, literally, wondering why I even bothered. And then through a support buddy, I started wearing them because it made me feel hot, attractive, sexual. And stopped looking for any type of reassurance that I was those things from him. I’d love to tell you that I am doing awesome with this, but I won’t lie. I have good days and bad days. But the bad days, are when I start looking to him to validate my sexuality. Like I can only be sexual if he says I am. A lie. So please, stop believing the lie.

And if you ever wanted to communicate privately. Just let Paul know, he can give you my contact info and put a note here for me to find, as my email is sometimes funny.


Me April 30, 2016 at 12:52 pm

Hmmm… I’ve never considered just letting my “sexy woman” come out for me, and not for validation from him. Something to think on.


Amy April 30, 2016 at 4:15 pm

Sorry, but I for one do not agree that if he found you more enticing he would have more energy, just doesn’t work that way. I don’t know anything about your husband so I have no clue as to why he is lacks energy, but I can guarantee it has nothing to do with you.
My husband is up at midnight, home by 5:30pm and in bed by 6pm and repeats this for five days…! And his lack of energy does not have anything to do with me whatsoever. I certainly wish we could have a more frequent sex life but I have learned to focus on the truth and that is our infrequency is due to his work, not his desire for me!
And I would make the same assumption about you and your husband.

Me, you need to embrace your God-given sexuality and stop being so critical of yourself. Embrace the sensual woman God made you to be and start believing your husband when he tells you something. I can only imagine how thrilled he would be if you were to let loose and share your sexuality fully with him instead of acting like he is lying to you.

I pray, dear sister, that you turn your negative thinking into gratitude and thankfulness for the sexuality God gave you. You may find you and your husband will be pleasantly surprised and delighted when you choose to embrace on positive thoughts.

Amy recently posted…When life drives you to your knees…My Profile


Amy April 30, 2016 at 4:17 pm

Should have read: “…when you choose to ‘focus’ on positive thoughts.” ;)
Amy recently posted…When life drives you to your knees…My Profile


Lynn April 30, 2016 at 7:33 am

I don’t usually look at your site for husbands, but I followed your link. Very interesting. I know it was important for my husband that I was a virgin when he married, and sometimes I ask him (to reassure myself) if he is put off when I ‘go at it’ with enthusiasm. He laughs and says, why would he be – he benefits. He hasn’t experienced the disconnect we women often get from society, church, and our mothers.


Sarah April 30, 2016 at 8:46 pm

My husband and I have been going through a rough time. Very rough. We had our children within a year of our getting married, never had a honeymoon, and came from two entirely different backgrounds although we are both believers who are in tune with our dedication to the Lord. The day-to-day experience proven so hard for us.

A year ago, I had enough feeling humiliated during sex and told him to stop cracking jokes and laughing during our intimacy because it made me feel like a fool. I also had asked him to stop giving my body parts nicknames which I found degrading and mocking. He assured me that he did it no differently than giving the kids nicknames. It was an endearment. I then let out all the other stuff I hated about our sex life and about two pressing problems. We nearly divorced.

Very recently, I told him that I am going to take him at his word that he wants me “to do whatever you want to do”, but if he laughs at me, I will never do it again because he will have ruined it for me forever. He didn’t think I was serious until several weeks ago when our first middle of the night encounter started by me and done on my terms. He could hardly work and couldn’t wait to get home. We went from nearly everything from him to an almost unnatural swing the other way because he’s so curious and eager to see how I’m going to surprise him that he doesn’t initiate with me so that he doesn’t “wreck it”. I told him that we haven’t even done any of my good ideas yet before we went outside into our backyard naked during a rain storm. He nearly didn’t make it outside, he was so excited.

I see now how I let my own shyness and feelings of shame ruin our relationship in some ways when I thought I was being ladylike and appropriate as became a married woman. I now just do whatever I want as long as it’s not unBiblical. And we are both much happier.


IntimacySeeker May 2, 2016 at 8:02 am

Wow. Lots to think on here.

I think we sometimes overfocus on trying to be the women we think our husbands want us to be, and may lose sight of the women we ARE or WE want to be.

I think in addition to believing lies about sex, we also struggle with some painful truths. Sex IS used to hurt others and it IS scary.

I think in three plus years of reading this and other blogs, this is the first time anyone else has mentioned their fear of their husbands making fun of them. I share that. “Better safe than sorry” versus “nothing ventured, nothing gained.” Orgasms do not automatically equal happiness, whereas safety is a basic need.


Paul Byerly May 2, 2016 at 12:05 pm

@IntimacySeeker – I long ago decided Lori being who God intended her to be would ultimately make me the happiest both in and out of bed. That can be a scary letting go, but it’s freeing once you do it.
I need to talk to men about safe versus sorry. I’ve many times told them an orgasm does not mean sex was good for her.
Paul Byerly recently posted…Light Up Her LifeMy Profile


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