Sex Makes Kids, Kids Prevent Sex?

May 13, 2016

in Uncategorized

Two common anonymous questions we get from men when we speak are:

  1. We have young children. How do I get her to have sex with me?
  2. We have teens. How do I get her to have sex with me when the kids are home?

We also hear these issues from women. The first is mostly about time and energy, while the second is all about not wanting the kids to know mom and dad are having sex.

Caught having sex © JackF |

To me, the bottom line is your marriage is more important than your kids. Yes, there are times when you and your marriage must sacrifice for the kids, but when this happens too often it’s bad for you, your husband, your marriage, and your kids! In a world where every child has friends with divorced parents, a strong healthy marriage is the greatest gift you can give your children. Most children worry about if/when mommy and daddy will divorce, and this stress is harmful to their minds and their bodies. Additionally, having a good sex life with your husband increases the odds your kids will keep their pants on when they date.

Make Sex a Priority

Yeah, that’s obvious. But most folks don’t do it, and we know what follows not making it a priority. Or should I say we know what does not follow not making it a priority? When you have very young children this is a challenge, and your best efforts won’t alway be enough, but if you work at it regularly you will manage.

Get Privacy

  • Your bedroom must be a private place for you and hubby. He can have sex anywhere, but you do far better if you have a private place.
  • Get a lock for the door. Use the lock. Use it all the time! (Try this portable door lock if you live where you can’t change the hardware on your door. Also great for travel!)
  • Get all the stuff out of the room. Unless you find laundry and half done crafts a major turn-on, put them someplace else.
  • Don’t let the kids spend significant time there. They need to understand this is a special place for mommy and daddy, which will teach them an important truth about marriage.
  • Spend time with hubby in your bedroom apart from sex. Teach the kids that husband and wife enjoy being together. Go into the bedroom, lock the door, and talk. Or snuggle. Or play a game. Make the bedroom a place for your marriage.
  • Do what you can about noise. Put a white noise machine by the bedroom door, and don’t just turn it on for sex. Running the central air/heat fan can also provide cover noise. Get your teens headphones for their whatever. 

Tell the Kids you Have Sex and Enjoy It!

Okay, maybe not in those words, although it would actually be good for them if you did. The point here is for you to be okay with your kids knowing you’re sexual. Don’t advertise it, but don’t hide it either. You’re married and in love, and sex is right and normal. Give the kids a reason to wait to have sex!

It’s one thing to be okay with them knowing you have sex, but knowing you’re doing it RIGHT NOW or thinking you’re going to go do it are more difficult. They may make faces or complain, but it’s not going to hurt them. Odds are they will be secretly happy to know your marriage is still working well. The fear of being heard is usually about shame; deal with the shame and the problem will go away or become manageable.

Start Early

The sooner you put these things into practice, the easier it will be. If the kids grow up with these things they won’t think anything of it.

~ Paul – I’m XY, and my kids think we have sex morning, noon, and night!

This Week’s TMB SurveyHow much $$ to go sexless?, asks how much your sex life worth to you in cold hard cash.

Related Post: The mother of my kids wrote a great post about your relationship with your kids and your hubby. Check out Hubby vs. Kids? 

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Image Credit: © JackF |

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{ 15 comments… read them below or add one }

IntimacySeeker May 13, 2016 at 6:59 am

I really like the advice to make and keep the bedroom your own private space and for more than just sex and sleeping.

I cringe when I hear someone say my marriage is MORE important than my children. That feels like a “we / they” or “either / or” statement. I agree a strong marriage is good for our children and we do well to make our marriages a priority. But that shouldn’t be at the expense of our children’s wellbeing, just as the health and strength of our children shouldn’t be at the expense of our marriages.

If my husband had to choose between me and our children, I sure hope he would choose our children. They are his flesh and blood and can’t be replaced. He can, however, find another wife.


Paul Byerly May 13, 2016 at 12:09 pm

@IntimacySeeker – I understand why “more important” is said by some. The problem is it’s different, and more does not really apply to it well. I think Lori’ post hit on this well.
Paul Byerly recently posted…Friday Flashback: Sorry You Misunderstood & Got UpsetMy Profile


Henri May 14, 2016 at 12:58 pm

I don’t think making marriage a priority means automatically that children are neglected or abused. I think when marriage is a priority, everything else naturally falls in balance. Yes, there are always exceptions to everything.
My marriage is top priority over my relationship with my kids, but my kids are never neglected. If you ask them they will tell you they feel neglected as I don’t make enough cookies – but they are teenage boys, and this is their answer to everything. I think I read somewhere that most kids not only thrive, but can immense security when they see the marriage relationship take priority over them. I’ll have to look for that.
I would think that if a priority was not placed on marriage over kids, then some problems would start to reveal themselves in many areas that can in the end have a huge ripple effect on the kids.


K May 13, 2016 at 12:10 pm

My dad was the wisest and most Christ-like person I’ve ever known and probably ever will know. When I was about 10 years old, I asked him the type of horrific question children sometimes ask.

“Dad, if Mom and I were both drowning and you could only save one of us, who would you save?” I don’t know what prompted me to ask such a question. But, his response is one of the most vivid memories I have as a kid and has helped shape much of my life ever sense.

His response: Without any lapse in time to think, he came over and hugged me. And with complete seriousness that emphasized the gravity of the question I asked, he said the following.
“You know how much I love you and your siblings. I would never want to have to make such a decision and I pray I would never be put in that type of situation. But, if I were, I would have to save your mom. It would be the hardest decision I’d ever make and we would never get over losing you. But, when you’re mother and I got married God joined us together as one. Your mother is a part of me and will always be. God intended the marriage relationship to be special above all others. You are going to grow up and go off on your own one day. You will get married and have your own family a part from us. When you find your husband, you will become one with him. Your kids will grow up and move on with their lives, but your husband will still be the piece of you that shares every moment of your journey through life. That’s how God intended it to be. I pray every day that you will find a husband who puts God first and then you. And, I pray you will always prioritize God and then your husband. As a mother, putting your husband before your kids will be hard at times. but worth the effort. The best thing I could ever do for you and your siblings is to let you know how much I love your mother and I would do anything to protect her and our relationship. Without her, I would be completely lost. The reason I’m able to love you and your siblings as much as I do is because of the love I have for your mother.”

His response didn’t upset me, hurt my feelings or make me feel unloved. Quite the opposite. It made me feel special, loved and secure. I’ve never forgotten his advice that I should always put my husband above any other earthly relationship, even kids. I was very fortunate to grow up in a home where both parents put their relationship before us and showed us that their relationship made them able to love us even more. We never doubted their love and commitment to one another, which gave us the ultimate sense of security. And, a wonderful example of a happy, fulfilling marriage.


IntimacySeeker May 13, 2016 at 1:23 pm

If my husband had to choose between saving me and saving our child and he chose me, I don’t know that I could ever forgive him. To save me instead would be selfish on his part.


K May 13, 2016 at 4:59 pm

Instinctively, mothers have a HUGE need to protect their children above all others. This is necessary and the way women were created. I think many men have a similar instinct to protect their wives.

The point my dad was making and what I took away was the difference in the marriage relationship and the parent/child relationship. The marriage relationship is meant to be a life-long partnership. The parent/child relationship is not meant to be a life-long partnership. A parent’s responsibility is to raise their children to become independent adults and encourage them to go out and create their own life. I like the way Lori put it in her post that Paul referenced above. The parent/child relationship is “love and release”.

If my dad was going to save my mom so she could wait on him and simply to be a servant to his needs, I agree this would be selfish. However, my dad didn’t have a selfish bone in his body. (Anyone who knew him would say the same about him.) His response was not motivated by selfishness. It was motivated by what he interpreted the scripture to say about marriage and how that relationship should be held in esteem above all others. He meant it when he said the depth of his love for my mother was what allowed him to love us so completely. That type of love is very selfless and, I believe, in accordance with God’s plan. I think understood this at such a young age because I saw both of my parents live it out every day. They knew they would let us go one day, but could not envision life without each other.


IntimacySeeker May 14, 2016 at 3:23 am

Letting you go into adulthood is not the same as letting you die while a child. A selfless man would not want his wife to grieve the loss of her child and would instead take on the burden of grieving the loss of his wife so their child could live. A mature man loves his children regardless of his relationship with his wife, not because of it.


K May 16, 2016 at 12:15 pm

“A mature man loves his children regardless of his relationship with his wife, not because of it.”

Yes, I completely agree!! And, a more mature man has the ability to see his kids through his wife’s eyes which only serves to deepen his love for all of them. His love for his children is not dependent on his relationship with his wife. It is strengthened by his love of his wife and in turn his love of his wife is also deepened. It’s an endless circle that continues to grow his love and selflessness for his wife and his children.

It also takes a very mature man to view a difficult question as an opportunity to teach his young daughter a valuable life lesson. A less mature man would have given the easy answer to placate his daughter even it wasn’t true. Instead, he decided to risk hurting my feelings because he wanted me to understand the importance and value of marriage. He wanted to teach me about qualities to look for in a husband and what I needed to do as a wife to continually build the marriage relationship. I’m grateful I had a father with such maturity and strength of character.


IntimacySeeker May 17, 2016 at 6:42 am

K, I appreciate the conversation here and hope I haven’t come across as combative in my responses. I certainly mean no disrespect toward your father. But after thinking about this for a couple of days, I still feel the same way.

I would not want my husband to save me instead of our child. I don’t know that I could forgive him or ever respect him afterward. And the loss of that child would change me forever. I would not be the mother my other children needed. I would be a mess. If indeed my husband and I are one flesh, then to save me is to save himself. The minute he chose me/us over our child, our marriage would end. He would lose me either way.

A father could also answer the question you asked with “your mother and I are partners for life because God joined us together. If she dies before I do, I will carry the grief of losing her for the rest of my life. You are my child and the bond we share is also a gift from God. Your mother and I love you so much we would gladly give our lives for you. I would save you and bear the grief of losing your mom. She would do the same if she had to choose between you and me. There is nothing you can ever do to make us unlove you.”


K May 17, 2016 at 4:50 pm

@IntimacySeeker, Thank you. I did not view your response as being combative at all. And, I hope you didn’t view mine that way either. One thing I like about Paul’s blogs is the follower’s are generally kind and supportive of each other even when they disagree. You have given me things to think about.

I understand your reaction to what is a very difficult thing to think about. Many people, especially mothers, would have the same thoughts as you. I partially think this is because they didn’t know my father and his heart. He truly was the most Christ-like and selfless person I’ve ever known. And, I don’t throw those terms around lightly. He sacrificed himself for us and others daily. Very few people ever know a completely unconditional love like he showed us everyday. When you mentioned maturity, it made me think about his overall maturity. I realized that he was not only a mature person in general, but he was very mature in Christ. That’s why he didn’t have to think before answering and why I never questioned it. His answer reflected what he believed the Scripture to indicate about the hierarchy of the marriage relationship in relation to the parent/child relationship. There is no one verse that states this directly, but there are several places in the scripture that indicate God’s intent for marriage to take priority over children. But, don’t think I’m saying children should suffer or be neglected in any way. There are definitely times where children’s needs are more immediate and should be taken care of as such. But, these times should be the exception, not the rule.

My mother would have understood his decision even though she would have been heart broken. But, she shared his belief about the marriage relationship taking priority. They would have found a way to get through the loss together even though the road would be difficult and never ending.

The answer you gave above would not have taught me the lesson he wanted me to have. He would have been saying that children are more important than marriage. In this case, the priority is demonstrated solely by the choice. That’s not what he believed and not what he wanted me to learn. This lesson has served me well in finding the right spouse and in my marriage.

“There is nothing you can ever do to make us unlove you.”
This indicates there is an unconditional love for the children, but not for the spouse. The child could never do anything to lose your love, but your spouse could. I don’t think God intends the marriage relationship to be conditional.

“I would not be the mother my other children needed. I would be a mess.” Absolutely, as would any mother be after losing a child. However, wouldn’t most young children rather have a grieving, mess of a mother than none at all? Is it possible the children would never forgive their father for taking their mother away from them. Now, they’d be left with no mother and no valuable relationship with their father.

And, what about the burden left on the child that was saved? I can imagine, that as a child, I would not be able to carry the burden of knowing my father chose me over my mother. I would feel like had I killed my own mother. What a burden that would be to carry for the rest of my life.


IntimacySeeker May 18, 2016 at 5:58 am

You raise some troubling questions. Anyone surviving such a horrible incident would have immense grief, guilt and anger to work through.

Paul Byerly May 14, 2016 at 3:03 pm

@IntimacySeeker – If you had more than one minor child at the time, it could be a loving choice for the other kid(s).
Paul Byerly recently posted…Getting Back to Holy Sex: His WillMy Profile


Paul Byerly May 20, 2016 at 8:35 am

@all – After some thought, I think the only honest answer to the question is “I have no idea”.
We can think all day about how we will react in such circumstances, but unless we are faced with them it’s all smoke and speculation. I crisis situation we don’t act on rational thought or premeditated scripts, we act on raw emotion and gut feelings. Being able to act rationally and calmly in such a situation requires training very few people have had.
Paul Byerly recently posted…Friday Flashback: Who Speaks Into Your Marriage?My Profile


Distilled Animal Spirits May 13, 2016 at 4:51 pm

Hardnto accept we were meant to pair bond for life.


Lynn May 14, 2016 at 3:47 am

I remember asking my mother, when I was a child, if she loved God more than she loved us, her children (because I had learned that we were to love God above all things). My mother gave me a simple, wise answer that satisfied me. “God made mothers to love their children.”


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