Two common anonymous questions we get from men when we speak are:
- We have young children. How do I get her to have sex with me?
- We have teens. How do I get her to have sex with me when the kids are home?
We also hear these issues from women. The first is mostly about time and energy, while the second is all about not wanting the kids to know mom and dad are having sex.
To me, the bottom line is your marriage is more important than your kids. Yes, there are times when you and your marriage must sacrifice for the kids, but when this happens too often it’s bad for you, your husband, your marriage, and your kids! In a world where every child has friends with divorced parents, a strong healthy marriage is the greatest gift you can give your children. Most children worry about if/when mommy and daddy will divorce, and this stress is harmful to their minds and their bodies. Additionally, having a good sex life with your husband increases the odds your kids will keep their pants on when they date.
Make Sex a Priority
Yeah, that’s obvious. But most folks don’t do it, and we know what follows not making it a priority. Or should I say we know what does not follow not making it a priority? When you have very young children this is a challenge, and your best efforts won’t alway be enough, but if you work at it regularly you will manage.
- Your bedroom must be a private place for you and hubby. He can have sex anywhere, but you do far better if you have a private place.
- Get a lock for the door. Use the lock. Use it all the time! (Try this portable door lock if you live where you can’t change the hardware on your door. Also great for travel!)
- Get all the stuff out of the room. Unless you find laundry and half done crafts a major turn-on, put them someplace else.
- Don’t let the kids spend significant time there. They need to understand this is a special place for mommy and daddy, which will teach them an important truth about marriage.
- Spend time with hubby in your bedroom apart from sex. Teach the kids that husband and wife enjoy being together. Go into the bedroom, lock the door, and talk. Or snuggle. Or play a game. Make the bedroom a place for your marriage.
- Do what you can about noise. Put a white noise machine by the bedroom door, and don’t just turn it on for sex. Running the central air/heat fan can also provide cover noise. Get your teens headphones for their whatever.
Tell the Kids you Have Sex and Enjoy It!
Okay, maybe not in those words, although it would actually be good for them if you did. The point here is for you to be okay with your kids knowing you’re sexual. Don’t advertise it, but don’t hide it either. You’re married and in love, and sex is right and normal. Give the kids a reason to wait to have sex!
It’s one thing to be okay with them knowing you have sex, but knowing you’re doing it RIGHT NOW or thinking you’re going to go do it are more difficult. They may make faces or complain, but it’s not going to hurt them. Odds are they will be secretly happy to know your marriage is still working well. The fear of being heard is usually about shame; deal with the shame and the problem will go away or become manageable.
The sooner you put these things into practice, the easier it will be. If the kids grow up with these things they won’t think anything of it.
~ Paul – I’m XY, and my kids think we have sex morning, noon, and night!
This Week’s TMB Survey, How much $$ to go sexless?, asks how much your sex life worth to you in cold hard cash.
Related Post: The mother of my kids wrote a great post about your relationship with your kids and your hubby. Check out Hubby vs. Kids?