Sexual Enjoyment: YOUR RIGHT!!

June 8, 2016

in Uncategorized

Lori and I have finished our speaking engagements for “this year” (our year runs from Oct to June). I hope many have received something of use from what we’ve shared. I know we’ve learned a great deal, and some of it is heartbreaking.

One of the things I keep seeing is that many wives aren’t enjoying sex. Some do it for him, some try to avoid it as best they can, and some enjoy it a little, on occasion. But a great many women are not enjoying sex as God intended. 

I realise “enjoying sex” is a loaded phrase. We think men see enjoying sex as being just about physical pleasure. While men, in general, are more about the physical than women, most men understand good sex is about far more than an orgasm. On the other hand, while some women can sometimes enjoy sex without orgasm, climax is an important part of good sex for a variety of reasons physical, emotional, and relational.

Woman ringing sex bell © jcomp |

It seems to me the majority of women are being robbed of the sex life they could have. Some would blame men for this. Given the number of men desperate for ways to make sex better for their wife I don’t think this is the primary reason women are missing out*. We could blame society. Society certainly sells women lies that hurt their ability to enjoy sex, but this is only a problem if a woman buys into the lies. I think the problem, and the solution, lie between a woman’s ears.

It is my prayer you will start to see not enjoying sex, or enjoying it just a bit, as a horrible thing. I pray you will start to feel cheated, robbed, and wronged. May the Lord show you He created sex to be an awesome thing for both husband and wife. I hope you start to see great sex as your right, and I pray your husband steps up when you start looking for more.

* The Exception: I realise some of you have husband’s who literally won’t lift a finger to help you enjoy sex. I’m deeply sorry. I recently saw someone suggest such unloving behaviour from a man justified his wife refusing sex until he’s willing to make it for both of them. I find it difficult to argue with that; in a very real way such a man is refusing his wife sex. Of course, such a man may be so selfish he would react by just taking care of himself.

~ Paul – I’m XY, and I want sex to be at least as fantastic for Lori as it is for me.

Related Post: J has a great post about this over on Hot, Holy & Humorous: If the Sex is So Great, Why Aren’t You Satisfied?

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{ 23 comments… read them below or add one }

Nick Peters June 8, 2016 at 5:42 am

What women often don’t realize is that for we good Christian men, that if our wives aren’t enjoying sex are or seeming to have it just to placate us but with no real desire on their parts, it lowers us. My greatest joy is when I know I have brought my wife joy. That means more to me than anything else. When I know that she really really wants me, I can stand ten feet tall. I don’t want to be an item on a to-do list. I want to be wanted for me. It’s so odd to think that women often worry that men want them for just sex (Which can sadly be true) and meanwhile we men can often be wanted for everything BUT sex.


Paul Byerly June 8, 2016 at 7:59 pm

@Nick Peters – What you say is true for some women. But others do know this, and it just adds to the pressure they feel. It’s not enough for them to be willing, they have to be excited about it for it to count.
Paul Byerly recently posted…Female As A Second LanguageMy Profile


Jolie June 9, 2016 at 10:20 am

@ Nick Peters- “I want to be wanted for me”. I have heard that sentiment several times from men on these blogs. It never made any sense to me until 4 years ago. Thats when my husband was told he needed prostate surgery. The panic and anguish I saw him going through with the mere thought of the possibility of losing his erectile function totally floored me. It finally clicked with me that “my husband IS his sexuality”. This was after 25 years of being married to this man.

I also want to be “wanted for me”. But in my reality, I am NOT my sexuality. My sexuality is a very small portion of who I am as a person. I have come to the conclusion that sex will never mean as much to me as it does to my husband only because it isn’t the foundation of my essence as a person which it seems to be for my husband.

Logically I can understand where he is coming from but emotionally I will never comprehend that feeling. For me, loving my husband completely doesn’t equate to needing and craving him sexually. I need and crave Him, and his sexuality (in my eyes) is only a small part of who he is.

I’m still grappling with this one.


IntimacySeeker June 9, 2016 at 11:21 am

Well said. Thanks.


libl June 9, 2016 at 4:38 pm

I dunno. I am a woman and my sexuality is a rather large portion of me. I also know what sexual pleasure is, what I want, and how I want it. All of that is amplified because I don’t get any of it. My husband thinks my sexuality is like other women’s, like how Intimacy Seeker and Jolie describe it. It isn’t. And so he thinks it just isn’t that big of a deal for me and I am happy just to be his semen receptacle. I have told him otherwise many many times, but because I am still a woman and orgasms take a bit more work to achieve, he seems to think that is proof positive that sex isn’t that important to me.

Drives me bananas that I kept myself for my husband, he’s the only man to have ever had sex with me, and I get the poop end of the stick. As I told a trusted friend/mentor of mine, “my husband has a great sex life. Mine stinks!”


Paul Byerly June 9, 2016 at 8:06 pm

@Jolie,Intimacy, Seeker, libl – I can’t prove it, but I firmly believe God intended sex to be a big deal for men and women. And I think most men are missing out on a lot of it because we get stuck on the physical and don’t understand all the other ways sex can be wonderful.
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Andrew Budek-Schmeisser June 8, 2016 at 5:49 am

It is sometimes tragic, the way that sex can become something to be avoided…by both husband and wife, because it becomes so freighted with misunderstandings that even a visit to the in-laws would be preferable.
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IntimacySeeker June 8, 2016 at 6:43 am

When a husband wants sex to be “at least” as awesome for his wife as it is for him, is he really wanting sex to be as significant for her as is is for him regarding his overall sense of happiness and wellbeing? If so, is this a fair expectation?

Generally speaking, for husbands, sexual intimacy is the primary, major factor in his happiness and wellbeing. The sauce on the spaghetti, so to speak. Generally speaking, for wives, sexual intimacy is one of many factors in her happiness and wellness. Some strands of the spaghetti (with sauce), so to speak.


libl June 8, 2016 at 10:01 am

I think what is meant is that sex itself is as satisfying to her in her own way as it is to him in his own way. Men and women might have different mountains of satisfaction when it comes to sex, but I think Paul is referring to whichever sex mountain you are on, are you reaching your peak?

In my marriage, my husband’s sex mountain’s peak would be climax inside of me. That is his utmost pleasure. Basic, simple. My sex mountain peak would be for him to slowly ascend with me, giving me the kind of pleasure I want to experience until I reach climax.

Unfortunately, he falls into the exception category and basically just sends me up the mountain myself.

It blows my mind that there are husbands out there who actually concern themselves with their wife’s pleasure, even to the point of finding it more pleasurable to give her pleasure than to receive their own.


Paul Byerly June 8, 2016 at 8:04 pm

@IntimacySeeker – I think God intended sex to be far more for both men and women than we generally experience. I also think all those other things women desire are supposed to be very good for not just women, but also for men.
Basically we are all getting cheated all around.
Paul Byerly recently posted…Female As A Second LanguageMy Profile


IntimacySeeker June 9, 2016 at 6:36 am

Over time, I have come to value sexual intimacy more than before, and I would say my husband has come to value other forms of intimacy more than before. I don’t know that sex will ever be as important to me as it is to him, or that conversation will ever be as important to him as it is to me. I think this is due to basic design differences between us that are emphasized by societal influences. But as we grow as a married couple, there is less disparity. Also, what blesses him blesses me and vice versa.

Some men say “I want her to want it like I want it.” Some say sex makes everything better. They can think clearly. They can perform better at work. They feel all is well with their family. They feel loved, respected, appreciated, affirmed, etc., etc., etc. Do some hope/assume that their wives’ sexual pleasure will reap these same results?


Paul Byerly June 9, 2016 at 8:08 pm

@IntimacySeeker “Some men say “I want her to want it like I want it.””
I’d say I want Lori to want sex the way God wants her to want it. And I want to want it the way God wants me to want it. I assume those two things will never be the same, but I do expect they will draw us to the same points sexually.
Paul Byerly recently posted…A Year Long GiftMy Profile


Ted June 8, 2016 at 6:48 am

I have enjoyed your blogs over the year. I agree with generous and mutually fulfilling attitudes you express. Real passion and excitement peaks with your partners pleasure. Read “She Comes First.” It is great information for the male reader and I think women would learn from it too.


Roomtogrow June 8, 2016 at 9:38 pm

@Nick Peters @Paul Byerly
I think I am capable of really enjoying sex but have not had much occasion to do so, meaning, for the first half of our marriage it always seemed about him, his urgent need, his quickly reaching climax, me never reaching climax (literally), short or basically no foreplay, no talking about things because he avoids even the hint of conflict like the plague. Eventually this led to avoidance because I felt used and cheated. Sex built on a weak foundation is precarious at best and deeply hurtful. We didn’t talk about it; it wasn’t mentioned except for a couple of times when he was angry that he wanted to have sex and I didn’t. The last two decades have been spent with me trying to undo damage done (his felt rejection), increasing frequency and modes, attempts at talking about our sex life (or lack thereof), attempts to teach my husband how and what I might like, attempt after attempt to improve a relationship that has drifted so far apart I’m not sure we can even see each other. He acts uninterested. He wants to “do” rather than be with me, see me, interact with me. I have tried divorcing emotion/feelings from sex and I can’t. It leaves me feeling empty, depressed and angry. I want to enjoy sex the way God intended but, how can I when the person I have sex with barely/rarely looks me in the eye or looks at me, very rarely expresses any feeling before, during or after (I mean feedback like, “that was good,” noises, anything!) or says “I love you” during the act. Like Nick Peters said, “I want to be wanted for me.” Not be tolerated, used, ignored, put last of the ‘to do’ list. I do feel cheated, robbed and wronged. Unfortunately, I’m sure my husband feels the same way. At this point I feel so broken, that this mess is un-fixable. I blame both of us; I blame ignorance; I blame selfishness on both our parts. I hate what this has become and that I’ve missed what it could and should have been. Theoretically having a “right” is not the same as possessing it. I truly would appreciate your prayers.


Paul Byerly June 9, 2016 at 5:30 am

@Roomtogrow – You certainly have my prayers.
I would guess your husband’s early sexual actions/choices came from ignorance and shame. These were countered by a strong drive for sex/release. The result is selfish and impossible for a wife to enjoy.
He may want better and he may not. He may not think there is anything better, or at least not for him. Change would require being willing to talk openly about it, but from what you’ve said he’s not able to do that.
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Anonymous June 9, 2016 at 8:27 am

“Given the number of men desperate for ways to make sex better for their wife I don’t think this is the primary reason women are missing out”

Sometimes a man is willing to do anything and everything TO his wife, but not FOR his wife. It doesn’t matter what techniques he’s willing to master, what services he’s willing to perform, how much foreplay he will engage in, etc. if he’s missing the boat in other areas.

For example:

If the marriage is riddled with John Gottman’s 4 horsemen of the apocalypse, don’t expect a wife to enjoy sex no matter how good you try to make it.

If a man won’t take care of himself physically, he can expect there to be natural consequences. God did design natural laws of attraction. How many men go on a diet and lift weights as a desperate way to make sex better for their wife? Men tend to look for solutions to their wife, rather than take a look in the mirror.

Sure, a wife’s attitude can be the problem. But it’s not always. Just keeping it real.


Paul Byerly June 9, 2016 at 8:10 pm

@Anonymous: “Sometimes a man is willing to do anything and everything TO his wife, but not FOR his wife.”

Absolutely! I tell the men this over on TGH all the time.
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Jolie June 9, 2016 at 1:18 pm

What does true “sexual enjoyment” look like?

How can I feel robbed, cheated, or wronged if I don’t know what I’m missing?

Isn’t it human nature to pursue pleasure? Why would I or a majority of women keep ourselves from experiencing pleasure? Why would we sabotage ourselves?

How come my orgasms don’t always equal pleasure or satisfaction?

Why can’t I enjoy sex like a man?

I have asked myself these questions for years and this article seems to touch on the same topic.
I agree I have a right to sexual pleasure but I’m at a loss as to what that means.


Paul Byerly June 10, 2016 at 8:21 am

@Jolie – Guilt, shame, and fear can tie us up in such knots we don’t seek pleasure, don’t see it for what it is, or feel bad about ourselves when we get close to it.
I find women as a whole feel far worse about their sexuality and sex organs than men do. Men are very positive about sex, women are often negative. Some of it is about inherent gender differences, but I am convinced most of it is about the ungodly sexual double standard we still impose on people.
I’ve seen some things written by women who are not in this trap, and it’s a whole different reality. It’s not exactly “enjoying sex life a man”, but it certainly is enjoying sex in a rich and full way.
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Laura June 9, 2016 at 9:22 pm

I also firmly believe that there is a huge problem with definitions. If you say ‘sex’ to a man, you will immediately get an image of a physical act. If you say ‘sex’ to many women, you will get an emotional reaction. Men focus on having sex while many women focus on ‘feeling sexy’.

I believe that sex is a state of mind for women that eventually gets shared with the man she loves. That’s why women make no sense to men.

To be brutally honest, I don’t understand how men can be happy with what to me is about 2% of sex. There is a whole other realm and experience of an mystic union between two people who are likeminded and love each other, but if you talk to men, you get talk about exact physical actions in way too much granularity that seem to me as a woman utterly trivial and unimportant – rather like looking through a microscope trying to talk to a tissue sample instead of the living person standing right next to you.

I am not being disparaging at all, but men’s talk about sex makes no sense to me. To me, it’s like trying to discuss the idea of “flight” and instead of talking lift, thrust and propulsion, he tells you what metric size of bolt is used in a specific jet engine. The conversation doesn’t even make sense because we are talking on two divergent planes about the same thing.

We try and try and try to explain this, but the fact of the matter is that I don’t know of a single woman in all my acquaintance who has ever gotten this point across. It falls on deaf ears while we have our talks turned once again to “But, what felt best last night?”

It’s so discouraging I can’t even tell you. I hate talking about it now because I just feel like it’s hopeless trying to get what I am saying across.


Paul Byerly June 10, 2016 at 8:27 am

@Laura – I agree men tend to think act while women have an emotional reaction. I think both men and women should have both of those.
As for men’s laser focus on the physical, I agree it’s a problem. But the solution is not to convince men to not feel this way; the solution is to help them see more. Part of that is about dealing with the lies and lopsided thinking men live with. Another part is making sure his physical need is sufficiently cared for. When a man is physically starved for sex he can’t see any more. It’s like not being able to breath – nothing else matters. I know women think that’s a gross exaggeration, but it’s not. Fill a man physically and he will start to see and then want all the other wonderful parts of sex.
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Lynn June 10, 2016 at 4:26 am

I’m actually glad my husband is a little bit ‘selfish’ because I have never had an ‘o’ and I don’t feel badly about that. I ecstatically, joyfully enjoy the physical closeness with him, the tactile sensation of his body, so it’s very good for me. It would be difficult if he felt dissatisfied because I wasn’t having the same experience that he does. I think there’s a wider range of desire among women than among men.


IntimacySeeker June 10, 2016 at 5:52 am

@Lynn I wouldn’t say my husband is selfish, but like you, I am thankful that he doesn’t pressure me.

Perhaps the best case scenario is when each spouse cares about the other’s pleasure and enjoyment without expecting their experiences to be exactly the same.


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