When we speak, Lori and I often do an “ask me anything” in which I go to one room with the men while she’s in another room with the women. Then we switch rooms, so I’m with the women and she’s with the men. One of the common questions during this time is about sexual frequency.
Often the question is about what’s average. I find that to be a pretty useless bit of information. Is the average amount of time Christians spend reading the Bible enough? Is the average amount of time people spend watching TV a sane amount? Rather than what people are doing, I try to frame this in terms of what is needed. What minimum amount is enough for him?
For men, the “magic number” is every other day. There are exceptions, but for the majority of men between 25 and 45 this is enough to keep him sane and balanced. Odds are he would like and gladly have more, but at this level, you’re taking decent care of his sexual need. After 45 it will slow a bit, but some men will slow down later and some will slow down far less than others. For men younger than 25, it’s difficult because even if you’re giving him enough he may not feel you are. Many men this age could have sex three times a day for several years. They don’t need that much, but when the ability is so great it’s hard to feel satisfied.
Please understand it’s not just the total number of times a week, it’s the regularity of it. If you tried to eat all the calories you need for a week on the weekend you’d be neither happy nor healthy. Sex is more forgiving, but not nearly as much as would be convenient. Most guys are feeling it strongly by 48 hours, and past 72 it’s a problem for them on several levels.
I do understand women’s frustration over men being overly focused on the physical aspects of sex. As some of you have pointed out in comments, there’s far more to enjoy than just an orgasm. The problem is it’s very difficult to see or feel these things when a man feels a physical need for sex. The longer it’s been, the more his body wants it, and the less he’s able to think about or care about anything else. The less often a man has sex the worse he is as a lover and the less interested he is in the emotions and relational aspects of sex.
I know this post isn’t what some of you want to hear. One group of ladies told me I had given the wrong answer. They decided once every 28 days was the perfect frequency for sex!
I’m not going to tell you he’s going to cheat if you have sex with him less often. I’m not going to tell you his porn use is justified or understandable if you have sex only half a dozen times a month. I will tell you your husband will feel unloved and neglected. Beyond the physical urge he feels, he will wonder why you say you love him but then choose not to give him something he wants and needs that only you can provide.
~ Paul – I’m XY and my wonderful wife is an expert at this!
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