A comment on our Sexual Slang survey results basically asked how to add the use of such words to a couple’s marriage bed. As the comment came from a woman, I thought I’d address it here.
First, we need to clarify what words we’re talking about here. Then we should discuss if and why you might do this.
I’m not going to post a list of words here because it might draw undesired attention to this blog and it could be a problem for search engine performance and filtering software. The words we asked about in the survey show as part of an image on the survey results page. Some are used as swear words as well as to describe parts of the body and sex acts. Some are more slang and are primarily used to describe sex. A couple of them can be heard on occasion on broadcast television.
Is It Okay?
As seen in the survey comments, some felt most or all of these words were unacceptable either to God or for their marriage. I’m certainly not going to tell anyone they should use any word if they or their spouse had a problem with it. If I thought using such words was inherently sinful I’d not be writing this, so while I’m not going to discuss our personal sexual vocabulary, neither of us is morally opposed to using such words in theory.
Several comments said things like “We don’t use these words in any other way, to us they’re not curse words.” Some will see this as justification, others will not. I have a hard time seeing any collection of sounds (which is what a word is) as being inherently wrong. Plenty of words which once were acceptable are now used as slang words for sex or as swearing. Other words which once had such a meaning no longer do.
That said, some words have been so used for something bad/unloving it can be difficult to get past that meaning. This can be particularly true if a word was used to swear AT YOU. A woman who’s been called “the c word” in anger is not likely to find it a good word to identify her genitals. If a man has heard certain words heavily in porn he may not like the way they make him think or feel. So there are cultural and personal issues at play here, and those will vary for every person and each couple.
If a word feels wrong or ugly to either you or your husband, love requires you to both avoid it. It’s also good to avoid words that make either of you feel silly or like you are three years old. Few men want their penis referred to as their “pee-pee” by the wife as part of sex.
Why Would We Use Such Words?
Above I suggested how words make us feel should be a factor in what words we use for sex. Another side of this is that “proper” words often feel cold and clinical. Let’s face it, things like “You’re getting my phallus engorged,” “I desire coitus,” “Copulate harder,” and “My climax is imminent!” just don’t sound very sexy. They communicate information, but they don’t do such a good job of communicating feelings and desire. Besides, who wants what your husband says during sex to remind you of your gynaecologist appointment!
Then there’s the potential thrill of using “naughty words”. For a man, the thrill is that his wife is cutting loose. She’s embracing her inner vixen and he loves it. For her, using such words could be a way of breaking free of some of her sexual restraints. It may also be a way of putting herself into a sexual mindset. She has a set of words she only uses with her husband for sex and using those words helps her change roles from mother to lover.
If you want to modify the words you and your husband use for sex, regardless of how you want it to change, you’ll have to have the difficult discussion. Unless he’s really turning you off with his choice of words, I suggest a gentle approach. Tell him you want to come up with a sexual vocabulary you both enjoy. Tell him you want words that express desire, longing, and lust. Most men will be okay with the lighter words on our survey, and a majority will be okay with many of the harder ones.
This is not a good discussion to have before, during, or after sex. You should both have clear minds and not be eager to move along. One good way to discuss this would be to pull up the survey we did and use it as a tool. The survey, as opposed to the results, is here. Each of you can rate the words as yes, no, and maybe, then go from there. You can each also suggest words and do the same with those. In time you will construct your own personal sexual vocabulary.
~ Paul – I’m XY, and I like the words my wife uses for sex.