Her Guide to Getting More Sex Part 1

July 22, 2016

in Uncategorized

Based on comments and emails we get from readers of The XY code it’s clear a good many of you would like more sex than you are having. Given this is very much a matter of how his mind works, it’s something I should address. 

As I thought about this it became clear it would not fit in one post. So this is part one, with two and three the next couple of Fridays. If getting more sex with your husband is not on your to-do list just skip today and the next two Fridays.

Woman trying to talk husband into sex Photogaphee.eu | stock.adobe.com

The first issue is why you’re not having enough sex. If you know why then you can better work on fixing the issue.

  • Maybe he wants more too but your lives are just too stinkin’ busy to make it happen. Many men will take what they can reasonably get and make up the difference on their own*. This is safe and easy and can become a habit he keeps even when it’s no longer necessary.
  • He might be desperate for you to initiate. We’ve been told we are over-sexed pigs, and if you do the asking we don’t have to worry about that. I know some women struggle with initiating for a variety of reasons, but if you want more you need to speak up.
  • Perhaps he’s still upset about being told no in the past. I had one guy admit he often says no to his wife because she said no to him for years and he’s getting even. For many formerly refused guys it’s not about trying to hurt her, it’s about protecting himself. What is he goes with it then she backs off again? He could get hurt all over again. Still other guys have sublimated some of their drive into something (work is a common choice) and want or don’t think they can manage more sex.
  • Porn can be a factor, but not nearly as often as many think. Unless he has gotten to where he can’t function without porn, he’s not likely to limit sex in favour of porn.
  • Honest lack of drive is possible, but it’s not at the top of the list. Even less common is a lack of drive for hormonal reasons. Yes, it happens, but testosterone replacement is not the cure-all some make it out to be, and there are risks.

If you have played any part in any of the above, the first step is to admit it to your husband and ask him to forgive you. Next week I will talk about ways to use how God built him to get him into bed. Unless his drive is just gone, you have a good chance of being able to arouse him. Once you do that, the next step is even easier.

~ Paul – I’m XY and I don’t understand this one.

*Before you tell me your husband doesn’t masturbate, please know we’ve done three surveys on this, with several thousand replies, and 83% to 90% of married men say they masturbated in the last 3 months. The reality is he can go into the bathroom for two minutes and both pee and masturbate. I’m not suggesting many men do this, just trying to convey how fast and easy it is for a man.


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{ 10 comments… read them below or add one }

Dan July 26, 2016 at 10:41 pm

I don’t get understand that one either, but more so I don’t understand this post having NO comments by men or women. I guess you’re wrong, Paul. Apparently wives don’t want more sex. How disturbing is that possibility? Of course, I know that is not likely the case here. I’m seeing the same on other blogs. I published a 4200 word post on womens sexuality, nudity and shame within marriage on 7/26 with no likes or comments in spite of the visits. I don’t write for controversy or sensationalism, but either of our posts normally would have stirred the pot. Not pitching it here, just making a case. You just never know.

We read in books, articles, blogs and hear on broadcast media that women want more sex. Many of those sources are female authored or hosted. When all the men write in, it seems those aren’t the women they are married to. At times I wonder not just where these figures come from but where all those queried women have gone. We are told this is what women want, but we are also told after a tragedy that Americans want stronger gun control and neither seem to be the case. If anyone want to take issue with this comment, but not about gun control, please do. I’d love to have my faith in female desire restored. If you feel the need to edit or delete this comment Paul, no problem here.
Dan recently posted…Owning Her Sexuality Part 1—Whoreman? Me?My Profile


Paul Byerly July 27, 2016 at 5:13 pm

@Dan – I’ ve heard it from a few men and from a few couples, so I know it’s real. Also have had it show up in our anonymous surveys.
But it’s a difficult thing for a man to admit because we think we are supposed to be ready and eager 24/7. There’s a lot of shame surrounding this.
Paul Byerly recently posted…Forgiveness vs PermissionMy Profile


Dan July 28, 2016 at 9:46 am

Please understand Paul, that remark, “I guess you’re wrong, Paul. Apparently wives don’t want more sex,” was tongue in cheek. I too know it’s real but women still seem hesitant to let their husbands know.

You are right in that we are perceived as Ready Freddy when it comes to sex so when we decline an offer no doubt our wives are confused and feel rejected as opposed to merely declined for the moment. At that point she may wonder about her desirability which will discourage her from asking for or attempting more sex. I remember suggesting years ago to my wife that she initiate if she wanted more sex. Problem was, first time she initiated I was mentally distracted and not in the mood. Being seen as a 24/7 guy, she internalized that lack of response from me and it set things back.
Dan recently posted…Owning Her Sexuality Part 1—Whoreman? Me?My Profile


sunny-dee July 28, 2016 at 2:09 pm

Yeah … I surprised my husband at the door once in a lacy bra and panties (he was only working a half day) and he said, “What are you wearing?” Then walked around me and went and watched Big Bang Theory reruns for two hours and never even looked over at me. Multiply that by 50, and I really don’t want to initiate. It literally never worked for me. I also had a break down and started crying in a Victoria’s Secret and I went through a spell where I refused to look in the mirror or dress up because it all felt so painful. I’m doing better, but I am battling a ton of self-image issues, and I never ever had any before I got married. I don’t want to blame my husband because I own my feelings, but it does have an influence.


Dan July 30, 2016 at 8:27 am

@sunny-dee – OUCH! and that doesn’t begin to do justice to the pain of rejection you must have felt. Not only did he rebuff you, he didn’t respect the time and effort you put forth. Foreplay began for you the moment you thought about doing it and continued up to the moment you met him at the door so his denial went way beyond no sex. That had to be tough and a real confidence and trust killer. I’m so sorry that happened. I know you want to hear that from him, but for now hear it from me.

“I’m doing better, but I am battling a ton of self-image issues, and I never ever had any before I got married.” Don’t have them now then. I know that’s easy for me to say, but you shouldn’t take that burden on. This is not about you. It’s about him and your relationship with him. It looks like you have laid your cards on the relationship table but he is still holding his close to his vest. Knowing that we cannot change the other person we so desperately need change from, we often will look to the one person we can change: ourselves. “What can I do differently? How can I be better? How can I make things better?” That’s when our self-image starts spiraling down that vortex of feeling we are inadequate, selfish, inconsiderate and not responsive to the others needs. That makes it about you when it’s not. They have their part in the drama and change is incumbent upon them. It is a relationship which means more than one person is involved. Not only is it the right thing to do, their effort is the covenant thing to do. Your mental, physical, spiritual and emotional well-being is as much their concern as yours.

“I don’t want to blame my husband because I own my feelings, but it does have an influence.” It’s good that you know to own your feelings, but if he is not attempting to resolve the relationship problems with you as a partner then he does bear some blame in this and you should not feel guilty thinking so. If that is indeed the case, don’t “own” the blame that is rightly his or allow him to absolve himself for his lack of effort.
Dan recently posted…Owning Her Sexuality Part 1—Whoreman? Me?My Profile


Paul Byerly July 28, 2016 at 9:26 pm

@Dan – A no should always be given along with an apology and an explanation. (And an offer to do something just for them if at all possible.) It doesn’t make it painless, but it takes some of the sting out of it.
Paul Byerly recently posted…Should We Accept an Unhappy Marriage?My Profile


Dan July 30, 2016 at 7:54 am

That’s the same advice I give women on the blog. If you have to say no, tell your husband why and then suggest and alternative action or later date. If you choose a later date, honor that agreement. Keeping your word shows respect for your spouse and you also respect your own integrity. All of the above applies to husband too when their wives initiate.
Dan recently posted…Owning Her Sexuality Part 1—Whoreman? Me?My Profile


sunny-dee July 28, 2016 at 9:56 am

Dan, I’ll comment as a woman who wants more sex (and will likely never get it).

Some of these don’t apply to me. Like, I have never refused my husband sex, even once. My husband started gatekeeping literally on our wedding night. He has been tested for low-T, and he’s normal/high. He does masturbate and (I found out a couple years after we were married) viewed porn regularly, but I don’t know how much of an impact that has made on sex. He stopped the porn use when I found out, and our frequency has dropped since then. :-/ Oh, oh, and for initiation – about 6 months after we were married, my husband told me to stop trying to initiate because it just made him uncomfortable.

My husband was incredibly promiscuous in his past (~100 partners) and, honestly, if it weren’t for that, I’d suspect he was gay. There is literally nothing I can do to interest him in sex, but I’ve come to conclude that the reason is he’s not interested in sex *with me* – he’s even admitted that he’s terrified he’ll cheat one day just because his single life was a big cycle of pursuit-sex-repeat.

I’d love to think there’s a way to fix this, but how do you force someone to feel something they don’t feel? /shrug

The last time we had sex was 25 days ago, and only because I can get sex 1-2 a month because we’re trying to conceive. Which, of course, isn’t enough to get pregnant, so we’ll probably just switch to artificial insemination next month, which is a whole other bundle of emotion. I can’t even imagine what it would be like to have a husband who was willing to have sex with me, and it’s ego-bruising to admit to myself the only way I can have a child is if my husband masturbates to someone else and then the doctor injects it into me.

So … that’s my story.


Paul Byerly July 28, 2016 at 9:30 pm

@sunny-dee – Maybe it’s not that he is not interested in sex *with you*. Maybe it’s having sex with the same person for more than month? Or having sex with someone to whom he is married?
Paul Byerly recently posted…Should We Accept an Unhappy Marriage?My Profile


Lonesome dove July 31, 2016 at 5:49 am

Sunny dee
I feel so sorry for you that get sexually refused. I know what is like and how it affects you so deeply and in every way in your life. I’ve been sexually refused so much that I don’t initiate anything any more. After more then ten years of marriage and having kids sex is still the biggest problem in our marriage. I never thought sex would be what drives us apart. Are you sure you want to get artfically inseminated? Having a child never helps a relationship it only makes it worse. Do you want to be reminded everyday you look at your child that you had to be AI because your husband wouldn’t have sex with you? I’m not supporting divorce but when people are hurting each other and they are not happy to this degree maybe the best thing to do is get out and its alot easier now before you have a child.


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