Yesterday I posted A Safe Place over on The Generous Husband. Everything I said there applies here as well, but I want to focus a bit on what “my home is a safe place” means to men.
If your husband was a warrior, going off to battle and risking his life for country, family, glory, or whatever, he would want his home to be a place of quiet and safety. A place where he can relax and let down his guard. A place where he knows he won’t have to defend himself.
While most men today are not warriors, we none-the-less feel as if we are on some level. We do battle at work with our employer, our competition, customers, or the job itself. We do battle with traffic both ways. When we get home we want the safe place every warrior desires.
There are potentially dangerous side-effects of this. Some give in to the tendency to go along to get along, making them unwilling to confront things they should confront. Others react with anger if they don’t feel their home is a place of safety. Still others sacrifice things in a sort of land-for-peace attempt to make their home a safe place. If you see any of these in your husband, understanding what’s behind them may help you navigate them.
One thing that will help virtually all men is a bit of space when he gets home. He needs time to turn off the warrior and turn on the husband, lover, father and friend – because we don’t multi-task well we don’t switch roles as easily as women do. Giving him space doesn’t necessarily mean letting him go hide in his man cave. It certainly does mean not dumping problems on him as he walks in the door. If you throw problems at a warrior, you get a warrior’s response. Give him time to get out of warrior mode so he can deal with family problems appropriately.
By the Way: What I said about multitasking is a big deal here. A man’s single focus has some benefits, but it also has disadvantages. If you both work full-time out of the house you make the change from job to home differently and faster than he does. Don’t let “I work as many hours as he does” blind you to the fact he transitions differently than you do.
~ I’m XY, and I
fight work from home, which is a whole ‘nother issue.