If you want more sex in your marriage you need to do two things. First, you need to stop doing what doesn’t work, and second, you need to find what does work.
Today I’m going to talk about what doesn’t work. Next Friday I’ll talk about what might work. I should say some of the things below do work with many men. If a man is feeling good about himself and his marriage and has a good sex drive, many of these will get him into bed. But this series is for women who aren’t getting enough sex, and those women are dealing with men who are not so easily seduced. For whatever reason (that probably has little or nothing to do with you) he needs a bit more to get aroused or to get over whatever internal walls he has.
What Doesn’t Work, and Why
- Hints: You and your husband speak different languages especially when it comes to sex. He may miss the hint, or he may not be sure you’re asking for sex. His internal fears can easily overpower him and cause him to feel it’s not worth the risk to follow what may or may not be a hint.
- Being seductive: The image above is pretty clear, right? The woman is inviting sex. Maybe more than inviting, she’s asking for it. Part of the problem is women generally have no idea how inherently sexual they are. You do seductive things all the time without meaning to or having any idea you’re doing it. Most men have a long list of attempted sex failures based on him seeing something as seductive when she didn’t mean it as such. After a while, a guy can decide your seductive actions are either an empty tease or totally unintentional. This makes ignoring them the safe way to go.
- Being “available”: Telling him you’re willing to make love is not asking him to make love. As I tell men, if you didn’t ask for sex, you can’t have been refused. I’ve heard women say initiating sex makes them feel bad. That’s his job and if she has to do it something is wrong with him, or her, or both. Maybe something is wrong, maybe not, but if initiating takes care of it, then initiate. Stop letting whatever fear or expectation the world has put in your mind keep you from doing what will get you the sex you both need.
- Asking at bad times: Some men, especially young men, can and will stop in the middle of anything for sex. But some men are never like this, and age will change this for all men eventually. He can be too physically, emotionally, or mentally exhausted for sex. Ask when he can’t or just doesn’t feel like it and he will say no. Some women seem to have a talent for asking at the worst possible times. I suspect some subconscious angst causes this.
BTW – if your husband is fifty or better, morning is the best time for him to have sex hormonally, and bedtime is the worst possible time, hormonally.
- Saying you want sex later: Most husbands can recall plenty of times their wife was all hot and heavy in the middle of the day or while out for the evening. She promised wild sex when they got home or when the kids were in bed. Then… nothing. It’s like that sexual woman was replaced by a sexless clone. At best she was willing to have mercy sex if he asked. This kind of sexual bait and switch hurts a man a great deal, and he can easily decide the best reaction to a promise of later sex is to fight hope or arousal and prepare himself for disappointment. If this has ever been your husband’s reality, talking about having sex later may put him off sex.
- Shaming: Questioning his manhood or asking what people would think if they knew he refuses you are counter-productive. Might make you feel good for a moment, but it just pushes him further from you and from being sexual. He’s already worried about these things, and you bringing them up just makes it worse.
- Making assumptions about erections: Women tend to think an erect penis means a man is horny. This is not the case. While most (but not all) erections are caused by some form of arousing stimulation (sight, thought, or touch) erections can be quick and easy and reflect only the most minor arousal.
One common non-sexual erection is the morning erection. Any time a man is dreaming, about anything, he gets an erection. (BTW, women are the same way, every dream causes swelling and lubrication.) If he wakes up during or just after a dream, he will have an erection. And for some reason dream erections tend to be especially full and hard. These erections don’t signal sexual arousal. (Which is not to say it’s not an opportunity. More on that next week.)
- Feeling you don’t deserve sex/good sex: Do you think you deserve good sex? Do you think you should be sexually satisfied? If you don’t, odds are you are not now, and never will be, sexually satisfied. We have an amazing ability to keep ourselves from having good things we think we don’t deserve. Is it possible you’re secretly sabotaging your sex life?
For the record, God says you should have a great sex life, and no sexual sin past or present can disqualify you from it.
- Using sex to fix things or apologise: I’ve seen a few women who think sex is the sure way to make up for any wrong they commit against their husband. This may seem to work for a time, but it’s not a sustainable gambit. Sex can’t fix non-sexual problems, and eventually the non-sexual problems will hurt your sex life.
- Using sex for reassurance: Some men think having sex means their marriage relationship is okay. Such men may push for a lot of sex to convince themselves and/or their wife that their marriage is fine when it’s really a mess. This is less common among women, but it does happen.
Another version of this is the woman who uses sex to convince herself her husband is still interested in her. As her fear and self-doubt increase, she seeks wants more and more sex.
Please note none of the above means there’s anything wrong with a woman wanting a great deal of sex. As I’ve discussed before I think God gave women a far greater capacity and desire for sex than most women experience. If you want more sex than your husband you’re not a pervert and you’re not insatiable. I understand the pain of not having the sex you want with your spouse, and in some ways, I think it hurts women even more than it hurts men.
~ Paul – I’m XY, and I hope this helps!