On several occasions, we’ve had comments on this blog complaining about men’s sexual secrets – aka lies. I’ve never defended men who lie about anything, and I’m especially concerned about sexual lies. And I figured men were much guiltier of this than women.
Then we did a survey on the issue. We learned that since marriage, 66% of men are keeping some sort of secret about sex from their wife. As horrible as that is, women were barely better, with 56% admitting they have a post marriage sexual secret their husband doesn’t know.
For women, the most common secrets, both at 28% of our respondents, were about their sexual fantasies and their solo sex life – either not telling they masturbate or leading him to think they do it less than they actually do. Faking orgasm was a much less common secret, at 16%. Also at 16% was not disclosing porn use or how much they use porn or what they look at. At 13%, pretending to enjoy a sex act they don’t enjoy was the only other common secret.
Secrets don’t make for good marriages and sex secrets are horribly damaging to a couple’s sex life. Secrets have a way of building on each other, and they tend to grow from not disclosing to full out lying.
If you want a good marriage, you must be honest with your guy. If you want a good sex life you must share everything with him. The more he knows the better he can make sex for you. Don’t let embarrassment keep you from opening up, he needs and deserves to know what’s going on in your head.
If you have sexual secrets from your husband, please choose to let him into your secret world. Don’t try to justify it as “not sharing” or “not a big deal.” Tell him you’ve not been totally honest with him and you want to change that. Share everything, with as much detail as necessary, to be honest. Ask him to forgive you for keeping secrets and tell him you intend to share everything in the future. If he’s upset deal with it with love and grace and try not to get defensive.
Finally, this is about you. He may have sexual secrets too (odds are he does) but this isn’t about priming him to share his stuff. Let him decide on his own to come clean with you.
~ Paul – I’m XY, and I have no secrets from my wonderful wife!
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