It’s Not the Secrets, It’s the Marriage that Fosters Them

September 5, 2016

in Uncategorized

Last month, in So Many Sex Lies, I said, “If you want a good marriage, you must be honest with your guy.”

It's Not the Secrets, It's the Marriage that Fosters Them

But the more I think about it, the more I realise it’s not really the secrets that are the problem. The real problem is having a relationship that allows or even fosters secrets. Secrets are a result of not having a deep, intimate relationship build on mutual trust. We keep secrets because we fear what the other person will think of us or what they might do if they knew the truth. We hide because we are ashamed and don’t expect the other person to see us better than we see ourselves. Or we keep secrets because it gives us a sense of power. Whatever the reason for keeping secrets from our spouse, it signals a problem in the marriage.

If you keep secrets from your husband, ask yourself why. If you lay the blame at his feet, please examine that carefully. Would he really hurt you in some way if he knew, or is that an excuse to keep things from him? Or maybe the problem is you do things you shouldn’t be doing in the first place!

I do realise some men are not to be trusted. If this is the situation then you need to get into couple’s therapy ASAP. If you keep secrets because you feel your husband isn’t safe you need to get help for yourself even sooner! If neither of these is the case, then what do you need to do to make a change?

~ Paul – I’m XY and I keep secrets with, not from, my wife.

A Must Read Post: Refocus on Gratitude – A Challenge for 30 Days | Encourage Your Spouse

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{ 3 comments… read them below or add one }

Anon September 5, 2016 at 8:42 am

But what do you do when there are refusals to share things point blank? Outright question. Refusal to answer.


Paul Byerly September 5, 2016 at 9:46 am

@Anon – Try to explain how this hurts you and limit your marriage.
I tell men refusing to communicate with your wife is like her refusing you sex – just as painful and just as wrong.
Paul Byerly recently posted…The Blessing of Toxic Waste DisposalMy Profile


Jerry Stumpf September 5, 2016 at 12:02 pm

Sometimes couples feel they need to ask someone else for guidance without gaining “permission” from their spouse first.

This isn’t exactly a straight “lie” but it builds mistrust and could lead to you lying about what you said or why you shared personal data in the first place.

It is certainly a “secret”. Ask yourself before revealing anything to someone outside your marriage, “Can I say this to my friend / family member, with my spouse listening to the conversation? If the answer is no, then you are on dangerous ground. Repent and ask your spouse for forgiveness and as Paul suggests “get into couple’s therapy ASAP”.
Jerry Stumpf recently posted…What do karate and your marriage have in common? No, not fighting! The answer will amaze you! My Profile


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