On Wednesday I talked about learning to cut loose and have some fun. So today let’s take that idea into the bedroom.
I often have husbands complain their wife takes sex too seriously. He wants to explore and enjoy, she wants to follow some internal set of rules he doesn’t understand. Over the top examples of this are women who think sex with the lights on is wrong or women who refuse sex for several weeks because their hubby suggested a new position or getting a sex toy. Less extreme examples are even more common; he makes the wrong suggestion or expresses his enjoyment too strongly and his wife backs off a bit sexually.
If you read the Song of Songs in a modern translation you find a great deal of playfulness. The couple isn’t sticking to a short list of acceptable sex acts, they’re trying everything they can think of to enjoy and pleasure each other. Here, and elsewhere in the Bible, God describes married sex in terms of being intoxicated. There’s no restraint, no holding back, no limits; it’s full on abandonment resulting in mutual enjoyment of God’s gift of sexuality.
Expand the Limits
Making sex more fun is about pushing your limits. This can be scary, so discuss it with hubby up front. Tell him you want to have more fun sexually, but you’re concerned he’ll get all excited and run you over. Ask him to let you move at your pace even if it seems horribly slow to him. Tell him you may need to try something and then not do it for a time while you think about it.
What you do to push the limits is up to you. Try a new position. Make out during commercials. Jump in the shower with him and start foreplay. Offer him sex between your breasts. Ask him to do something new for you. Write a sexy story about the two of you.
Sex toys can be a good way to expand your limits and be more playful about sex. They’re also tangible proof to your husband that you want to improve your sex life. Beyond that, some toys can make sex easier and/or more pleasurable for both of you. A small vibe tucked between your bodies during face to face intercourse might result in you having an orgasm during intercourse for the first time (and most men really like the added stimulation). A stroker could make it easier to give him a hand job when he’s horny and you’re not but you want to meet his need. If he’s struggling with a bit of ED, a ring might make things much better for both of you.
If you feel like trying a toy, I suggest you go to Covenant Spice and look around. It’s a safe, Christian place to learn about and buy sex toys. Find one you’re comfortable with and make it a surprise gift for hubby. How you both feel about the toy is actually secondary to pushing the boundaries and showing him you’re going to see sex as fun.
Go to Sex Classes
Yes, really. Our friends Ruth and Melanie do a six week Awaken-Love Women’s Study. Lori has been to the first week and has reviewed all the materials. We’ve spent time with both women and their hubbies in their homes. We know them and what they are about, and this is an absolutely incredible, rock solid, resource. Until recently the class was only available in a few places, but now they have a video series out. If you want to enjoy sex more, this is the way to do it. To find a class near you, get DVDs, or ask the ladies to speak at your gathering, check out their website.
~ Paul – I’m XY, and I want sex to be fun!
Sidenote: I realise some men want things that are uncomfortable, gross, wrong, or just plain scary to their wives. I’ve addressed this over on The Generous Husband in the past and will do so again next month. This is another place where we can get stuck trying to balance out what we see as wrong. He feels she’s too uptight so he pushes for more and more outrageous sex acts. She feels he’s out of control so she pulls back more and more. This is an ugly place that can destroy a couple’s sex life and kill their marriage. The solution is to set a standard that would be reasonable if you felt he was reasonable and then stick to that.