Can You Communicate Your Feelings to Him?

October 10, 2016

in Uncategorized

If you can’t communicate what you think and feel to your husband, how can you expect him to understand you? If he doesn’t understand you, how can he support you, help you, or love you well?

Can You Communicate Your Feelings to Him?

Gender speak is a factor here, of course. Sometimes you say something in a way most women would understand and your husband looks at you like you’re speaking an unknown language. He can repeat the words you said, but he has no idea what you mean by those words. I understand how frustrating this must be, and I understand the temptation to blame him for not understanding what seems clear to you.

Of course, your husband should work to understand you, but I’m going to put most of the responsibility on you for this one. And not just because you want him to understand you. Women are better at understanding feelings, better at communicating, and better at empathy. How we’re raised is part of this, but much if it is about brain differences that come down to biology. The fact is you’re better equipped to span the gender gap. Think of it as being better at languages; you can learn to speak male more easily than he can learn to speak female. Of course, you can help him to learn to understand some female even if he never becomes fluent in it.

Sharing your feelings with your husband is going to take more effort than sharing them with your girlfriends. But it’s worth the effort both for you and for your marriage.

~ Paul – I’m XY, but I speak almost conversational female. 

Related Article: Putting words to feelings – If You Don’t Know What You Mean, How Will Your Spouse? | Love and Respect 

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{ 8 comments… read them below or add one }

Libl October 10, 2016 at 7:02 am

It only works if you have a willing learner.


Paul Byerly October 10, 2016 at 10:36 am

@Libl – Generally true, but sometimes things sneak in even when someone is not open to learning.
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Madeline12 October 10, 2016 at 11:05 pm

A friend’s husband in their first few months of marriage asked her, “Can you tell me when you’re going to say something significant so that I know when I have to actually listen to you and when it’s just noise?….What’s wrong? Why are you crying?”


Paul Byerly October 12, 2016 at 1:51 pm

@Madeline12 – Sounded good in his head!
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Bobthemusicguy October 11, 2016 at 6:41 am

Wives, one reason men have a hard time processing your words is that the tone, inflection, or even the words sound like our mothers. Don’t talk to your husband like he’s your son. Sometimes an “I don’t need a solution, I need you to just listen” will also help.

Husbands, try turning off problem-solving mode. I’ve often found that the problem I need to solve is to simply be a good listener. Deep conversation does not come easily to me. But I really started making the effort, because of her needs, because I love her. And I found it comes much more easily now, like a second language. That’s a good comparison. Anyone who has learned another language after early childhood usually finds that if they don’t use it consistently, they lose it.

We have found that by bridging the communication gap, we have corrected years of talking past each other. We’ve gotten to the point where our reactions to things are almost simultaneous, even with the same words. How scary is that? 😀


Lynn October 11, 2016 at 4:39 pm

If you want communication, do what I did and marry an English professor. He does, however, correct my grammar.


Alicia October 13, 2016 at 2:16 pm

I try to be specific about what I’m needing in that moment. Like, “I’m not ready to work on a solution quite yet, but would you mind just listening for a few minutes?” Or, “I’m trying to solve this problem, could you help me think through this?” I also find it helps when I acknowledge I may be a bit over-emotional in the moment. It seems he understands and is able to listen a bit better if I recognize my own issue. So for me that’s something like, “I know I’m being overemotional right now, but I just need to get this off my chest,” or, “I’m being over-emotional about this, could you help me get a more rational perspective about it?” I find if I’m clear at the beginning about what I’m needing right then, my husband is really good at being that for me.


Paul Byerly October 14, 2016 at 9:24 am

@Alicia – Excellent tactics. You let him know what’s going on as you process and you are self-aware of where you are emotionally.
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