What I’d Say to a Low Drive Husband

October 28, 2016

in Uncategorized

Recently someone asked if I would tell low drive husbands the same thing I tell low drive wives.

Yes, absolutely. The Bible is clear on this one; a husband owes his wife sex just as much as a wife owes her husband sex.

What I'd Say to a Low Drive Husband

Basically, I tell low drive men to “just do it because you should”. If you can’t get an erection use your hands, your mouth, or a toy. Beyond that, I tell them it needs to be more than just “servicing” – it needs to be loving and intimate. And finally, I tell them to do all they can to make intercourse part of it as often as possible. 

A woman’s sex drive is a valid need that can only be met by her husband. Not meeting that need is unloving and contrary to what God requires – aka sin.

I don’t know that this post helps any of the refused women here, but since I was challenged on it I thought I’d address it.

~ Paul – I’m XY, and I think a man should take care of ALL his wife’s needs.

 

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{ 9 comments… read them below or add one }

Nick Peters October 28, 2016 at 6:30 am

I think part of the problem in our culture is honestly that we do things because we feel like them. If you only do something because you feel like it, how is that really love? True love says that this is a need to be met and I don’t care if I feel like it or not. The other person is more important.
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Paul Byerly October 28, 2016 at 10:23 am

@Nick Peters – Excellently put. And that applies to a whole lot of things other than sex too!
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Nick Peters October 28, 2016 at 4:02 pm

Indeed. It applies to every good thing. This is the way. Walk ye in it. Do the right thing. If you don’t feel like doing it, do it anyway. If you are supposed to give your husband sex, don’t wait until you feel like it. Give it. If a man is supposed to give his wife quality time or help around the house, don’t wait until you feel like it. Give it anyway.
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Sheila October 28, 2016 at 10:34 am

I love having sex with my husband but for some reason sometimes I just can’t orgasm even though he’s been patient. Often I’m so close but once he’s done he’s done. I could finish myself but he thinks that’s too weird and doesn’t want to watch so I’m left hanging. It’s hard to fall asleep with all that built up tension.

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Paul Byerly October 29, 2016 at 11:03 am

@Sheila – Some time apart from sex let him know this is a big problem for you, and ask him to help you find a solution. If this continues it will put you off sex, and that’s not good for you, for him, or for the marriage.
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sunny-dee October 31, 2016 at 9:57 am

My husband’s justification is that he can’t “force” himself to have sex. You can only hear that so many times before you start to believe that your husband just isn’t that into you. (I asked about making out and that’s also off the table because he’s too tired. Like, preemptively, I asked — “I know sex is a no-go, but how would you feel about just making out once or twice a week?” Husband – “No, I’m pretty tired most days.”)

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Paul Byerly October 31, 2016 at 2:47 pm

@sunny-dee – He could choose to do something sexual for you. But you know that.
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B November 1, 2016 at 1:59 pm

Your post is good, but it doesn’t work that way in all marriages. My incredibly stressed husband just came home from his incredibly stressful job. He told me he was mentally and emotionally exhausted. I feel badly about that, I do, but it’s every, single day. I do have feelings for this man, and I do have sexual desires for him, too. But his stress is killing both of us. I mentioned earlier this afternoon that I was feeling “amorous”, but I can tell he is not in the mood. He seldom is. He tried making things better for a couple weeks, and my self esteem was starting to rebuild, slowly, but he’s right back to work, work, work – his greatest love is work – which makes no sense whatsoever because all it does is make him mad. He cares only about the work stress, not about me. And certainly not about loving me or my desires to be with him.

Right now he is out in the driveway, on the cell phone, yelling and complaining about something to one of the men on his crew. I love him – but it’s another lonely night for me. Oh well. I could point him to your blog, but it would just make him feel like “less of a man.” I guess I’ll watch baseball with my sons while my husband snores away, alone in our room. I’m thankful I have a family that loves me, but oh how I’d like a husband that could put work aside just long enough to muster up some desire for his wife. I’m young, I’m not that bad looking, and I’m lonely. Does he realize, or even care about, what he’s missing out on?

And the sadder part is, even if he were to try to force himself to love me that way, I’d probably turn him down. Because I know he doesn’t want to and he’d just be doing it out of guilt. I hate his job.

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Paul Byerly November 1, 2016 at 5:19 pm

@B – The real problem is his job. So why does he have that job? Does he have a choice? Would he have a choice if he was willing to live with less? Is he stuck because of past choices?

Too busy and too tired are the most common reasons for a lack of sex. This is bad, but it’s just a symptom of the real problem, which is we are all doing way, way too much. It’s not just killing our sex lives and our marriages, it’s sending us to an early grave.
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