His Imaginary Girlfriend Isn’t Who You Think

November 2, 2016

in Uncategorized

The space between unmet expectations and reality fills with daydreams about the way it could be with another man.” ~  Kelly Smith

That quote comes from It’s Time to Break Up with Your Imaginary Boyfriend, a guest post on to Love, Honor, and Vacuum. The author points out that men and women struggle in different areas when it comes to sexual temptation. For men, the biggest struggle is what we see. For women, it’s more about her heart and thoughts. (As always there are exceptions.)

If women struggle with a “perfect” imaginary boyfriend, I would expect many to assume their husband is doing something similar.

His Imaginary Girlfriend Isn't Who You Think

Most men don’t have an imaginary girlfriend. Instead, they have an imaginary version of their wife. Who is this “perfected” version of the woman to whom he’s married? She’s probably not who you think.

Yes, she’s probably a bit more into sex than you are. Even more than wanting and having more sex, she’s all about enjoying sex to the fullest and letting him know she’s enjoying it. But honestly, sexual differences aren’t the biggest differences between a man’s real and imaginary wife. Much more than being an insatiable wild thing in bed, a man’s imaginary version of his wife is loving, generous, and kind. She feels respect for him and knows how to express that. She makes him feel like a man not by getting naked but by treating him like a man ALL.THE.TIME.

As for the sexual aspects, most men figure if their wife respected them the sex would work out. So when sex is a problem, the clear message is she doesn’t respect me because she doesn’t respect my needs. I realise that seems simplistic, but it’s how we tend to see it.

~ Paul – I’m XY, and my imaginary wife looks very much like the one standing next to me.

Links may be monetised
Image Credit: © inarik | stock.adobe.com

Shop Amazon ♦ Shop to give links page
We’re donation supported Thanks for your help!
Where we’re going Contact us about speaking

{ 46 comments… read them below or add one }

Libl November 2, 2016 at 2:40 am

As a wife, my “imaginary husband” (NOT boyfriend) is my husband, just more generous and caring towards me. I channel his eagerness and voraciousness, adventure and exploration from our beginning together that is now long gone.

My husband’s fantasy woman doesn’t look like me. (Different hair color and much larger breasts). And she apparently doesn’t have any sexual needs, herself, except the ability to climax during PIV only exactly when he does.

Reply

Paul Byerly November 2, 2016 at 11:02 am

@Libl – Do you know these things because he has said them, or do you assume them?
Paul Byerly recently posted…Make It Your Job to Invite ReconnectingMy Profile

Reply

Libl November 2, 2016 at 12:16 pm

He has told me what his ideal girl looks like and has shown me pictures, has a painting in the house of her (fictional), and has looked up and watched porn of women who look like her. As recently as this past spring, a young woman bearing these attributes, but a similar face to mine, came into my social circle and he said to me, ” now, where was she when I was looking for a girlfriend!?”

He has also told me how he prefers to have sex, and what he wishes women were like….able to climax easily like a man and not require so much time and effort on the man’s part.

I do believe the fantasy woman doesn’t reside in our sex life, and as we grow older together she fades more into the background, but fact is, he wanted her to be his wife, but chose me because he couldn’t find her and he liked what he saw in me enough.

I offered to get surgery and dye my hair to look for like her for him, but he was offended. It is nice to know that I hold my own, and he likes me for me, but I do admit that I wish I was her sometimes, just to be able to give him what he really wanted and make him all that much more happy.

Reply

B November 3, 2016 at 5:58 am

@Libl, I too, have offered to dye my hair brown, get butt implants, even get brown contact lenses, so that I might be attractive to my husband. And like you said, he was offended. Which makes NO sense, because I’d be doing it to make him happy. What man gets offended because his wife is trying to become more like what he wants? It’s weird. I would love to know what it feels like to be desireable. Especially to the man I pledged my love to.
Anyhow, I’ve stopped offering since it just makes him upset, but it still hurts knowing I’ll never be what he truly desires.

Reply

Paul Byerly November 3, 2016 at 10:35 am

@B – Perhaps your offers make him face of how unfair he is to you? No one likes having to face their sins.
Paul Byerly recently posted…What Levels of Order Are You Prepared to Accept?My Profile

Reply

Libl November 3, 2016 at 5:46 pm

It does make sense to me. Despite the fact that he is highly attracted to that other type of woman, he married ME and is satisfied with me as me. I am not her, but he chose me as is.

Plus, he knows that me changing who I am, surgery and all, just to fit his fantasy, is shallow and unhealthy.

Reply

Paul Byerly November 3, 2016 at 10:34 am

@Libl – I’m so very sorry. Sounds like you are doing an amazing job of dealing with a bad situation. May she decrease and you increase!
Paul Byerly recently posted…What Levels of Order Are You Prepared to Accept?My Profile

Reply

ted November 2, 2016 at 6:04 am

I’ve actually said that last paragraph to my wife, and yes to me the problem is very simple. Also, if she treats me respectfully all the time, then the sex is not such a big deal unless the frequency gets really out of control.

Reply

Nick Peters November 2, 2016 at 6:14 am

Yep. Women have no idea often how deep this runs with us. The respect deal is huge. Words and actions can often get mixed up. If the words say “I respect you” and the actions don’t, we go with the actions. If a woman is hesitant to have sex with us for whatever reason or doesn’t desire it, then we interpret that as a statement about how they really view us.
Nick Peters recently posted…What Is The Point Of Christianity?My Profile

Reply

Jolie November 2, 2016 at 3:18 pm

@Nick-

Am I hearing you say that respect = sexual desire?
Or are you simply saying that respect=willingness to take care of your husbands sexual needs?
Does a woman, going through the motions because she knows you need sex, make you feel respected by her?
Sexual Desire is much more complicated than willingness and a lack there of may have absolutely nothing to do with the husband at all.
I think a man’s definition of respect gets all tied up with their definition of being a man.

I just don’t get this whole respect/sex thing.

Reply

Bobthemusicguy November 3, 2016 at 3:23 am

@Jolie
I’ll take a stab at explaining it. I think it is tied into the concept of love languages. My wife’s primary way of connecting is verbal: time spent in meaningful conversation and words of affirmation. My primary way of connection is physical touch, then words of affirmation. During the years I was sexually limited, then refused, what I felt was a lack of respect. I was expected to communicate with her in her manner, but received nothing in return. Not only was I emotionally running on empty, I was being dismissed as not being worthy of even an attempt to connect with me. It was all one way.it was not just being disrespected as a man, but being dismissed as a person who is worth getting to know better.

When we went through a complete turnaround last spring, I began by really reaching out through the verbal communication, even though it does not come naturally to me. That went on several weeks before the sex began again. God was showing me that I had to set aside my wounded pride and ego and do what was right, without any expectations of reciprocation or any timeline. At the same time, she was being convicted that refusal is a sin. God was working on both of us in complementary ways, and He has brought about complete healing in our marriage.

I have come to the conviction that every part of a Christian marriage, even the sexual union of the two bodies, mirrors in a small way the union of Christ and His bride. We enact a sort of sacred drama, with the two-way communication of a real relationship. And in the union of intercourse, there is a reflection of the surrender of the soul to the filling of the Spirit. Of course, Christ has the right of Deity, whereas as I have only the delegated right as husband.

Sex=respect is an oversimplification. While I love the physical sensations of sexual release, it’s mainly about connecting more deeply wth the woman I love. And when I can give her sexual pleasure, for me that’s the ultimate thrill. So sex does not equal respect, but it is a BIG component of it. And the absence of sex, or the grudging participation in sex, really shows disrespect. And I realize that this disrespect can go both ways, where a husband is limiting or refusing sex to his wife, or is only reluctantly participating. And it can’t be isolated from all other aspects of a marriage.

To get back to Paul’s original post, my wife IS my “imaginary girlfriend” in that she is my standard of godly womanhood and beauty. Is it because she has changed? I’d say it is more that my eyes have been opened. Is she perfect? No. And that’s good, since I am far from perfect myself. And that gives us both even more opportunity to exercise our love languages and show mercy and forgiveness to each other, to reflect the character of Chirst a bit more as we are conformed to His image.

Reply

B November 3, 2016 at 6:53 am

@Bobthemusicguy, you have a good way of explaining things. I, however, cannot understand why my husband and I seem to be backwards. I long for sexual connection. He seems to most often be “reluctantly participating”. I also understand the feelings of “not being worthy of even an attempt to connect with me.” And all we hear about is how men crave that connection – but not my man – so that makes me feel I must be at the very bottom of the barrel. Lower than worthless to him.
Now if you asked him, he would SAY, that all of this isn’t true, that he loves me so much, desires me, thinks I’m beautiful, blah, blah, blah… But words are empty when there are no actions to back them up.

As far as conversation, he loves to complain about work. For hours. I’ve read that you should let your husband share about his day, and get things off his chest. I’m totally fine with that. But for the past few years it has been non-stop complaining. And the yelling. Oh he gets so angry and just yells and yells and makes these angry faces. It becomes very draining. This can go on for hours. If I tell him he needs to relax and try not to get so stressed out, he just yells even more and says “fine I just won’t talk!” Ugh. If he’s not telling me, he’s on the phone. I think it was Paul who wrote an article on one of his blogs about your wife isn’t a surrogate for whoever made you mad (boss, ex, etc.). I am all about supporting my man, and loving him, but it is literally wearing me out. So I get the hours upon hours of venting and yelling, but very little love. Once he’s “decompressed”, he falls asleep on the couch. No interest in me. Just as a chef and a sounding board.

I’ve counseled him to switch jobs. His job is so not healthy. But he worries about our finances, benefits, etc. I’d rather have a happy, healthy husband than extra money. I grew up with very little, he grew up with a lot. So our way of looking at things is different.

Sorry, I’ve gone off on a tangent. But all of that to say, I’d love to have a husband with normal sexual desire (for ME). Don’t tell me you love me so much, when you have very little interest in sex.

Oh and @Paul, you mentioned in one of your replies that it’s not all about what the wife looks like. Then why are we constantly fed the mantra “men are visual, men are visual, men are visual…” If men are so visual, and I don’t appeal to my man, then there is something wrong with me visually. Very simple and very logical conclusion.

Reply

Paul Byerly November 3, 2016 at 10:41 am

@B – Often excessive venting and complaining is a sign the person does not feel appreciated/respected. May not be the case for your husband, but then again it might be.
Paul Byerly recently posted…What Levels of Order Are You Prepared to Accept?My Profile

Reply

Paul Byerly November 3, 2016 at 10:38 am

@Jolie – If we respect someone, what they value and need matters to us. When we ignore what someone values or refuse to meet a need we can meet, that suggests we do not respect them.
Sure it’s far more complex than that, but when it goes on for years this is all a guy feels.
Paul Byerly recently posted…What Levels of Order Are You Prepared to Accept?My Profile

Reply

B November 2, 2016 at 7:06 am

I’m going to have to disagree on this one, somewhat. I would guess my husband’s fantasy girlfriend looks more like the woman in the picture. Which puts me at a distant second, or third, or fourth.
I do respect him, and I try to show it often. And yet, he still doesn’t desire sex half as often as I do. He’d like me to believe it’s because he is exhausted and stressed, but let’s face it, if I looked like the lady in the photo, I’m sure his stress would magically fade away. But because I’m his old familiar average looking blonde wife (and he tends to really notice brunettes), I just don’t have enough sex appeal to get him interested.
So as Nick says, but from a woman’s point of view, if a MAN is hesitant to have sex with us for whatever reason or doesn’t desire it, then we interpret that as a statement about how they really view us.
In my case I believe he views me as a good mother and a nice woman who cooks his meals and keeps his house clean, but not as an attractive, sexual wife. Maybe I’m not the problem. I’m close to 40 and in very good shape, and I do my best to respect him, but he’s still not very interested. I wonder sometimes, as we get older, will he look back and feel sad about the sex life he missed out on by his own choosing, or will he be sad that he couldn’t work 80 hours a week instead of 70?

Reply

Paul Byerly November 2, 2016 at 11:05 am

@B – It seems you have judged your husband based on what you think his actions mean. There’s a lot of room for error in that.
There are men with women who look like the one above who are regularly too tired or busy for sex, or just say no. A man saying no does not correlate with how his wife or girlfriend looks.
Paul Byerly recently posted…Make It Your Job to Invite ReconnectingMy Profile

Reply

B November 2, 2016 at 11:41 am

Maybe, but I doubt it. I’m pretty sure if a woman who looked like the picture walked into the room and made herself available to my husband he would find the energy. He says he desires me, but his actions do not match his words. Therefore I have concluded I am not enough for him. Oh well. If I were attractive to him, why would he choose to continually hurt me in this way (lack of sex), especially when most men would love to have a willing wife. He says he loves me constantly, but if you love someone, would you really reject them so often, especially when you know it cuts them deeply?

Reply

Paul Byerly November 3, 2016 at 10:44 am

@B – Aside from the coolidge effect (coolidge effect) I doubt she would get any more of a response. Given his age and how many hours he works, and the stress and frustration he deals with 24/7, I can see why sex is no longer on his view screen. Some men use sex as a way of coping with such a life, some just stop being sexual. Neither is healthy for the man or the marriage, but the problem is not how he copes, it’s what causes him to need to cope.
Paul Byerly recently posted…What Levels of Order Are You Prepared to Accept?My Profile

Reply

sunny-dee November 3, 2016 at 1:12 pm

Well, yes, but like James wrote, “I will show you my faith by my works.”

If someone says one thing repeatedly, but does something else, I believe their actions over their words. Even if my interpretation of their actions is inaccurate, it still does not mean that I should believe their words because the words are demonstrably untrue.

Economists call this “revealed preference.” Like, in a survey, the majority of adults will say that they listen to classical music, but if you actually look at radio presets, the majority of stations are pop rock or country. It’s not even that people are intentionally lying — they’re saying what they think is true or what they wish were true, but their actions show their true preference.

Reply

Paul Byerly November 3, 2016 at 6:11 pm

@sunny-dee – There are way to many steps between what we say and what happens (or does not happen) sexually for that to work.
A man is all about how his wife looks, but then he starts to have erectile difficulty. He still feel a sex drive, but he fear over not being able to get an erection keeps him from having sex with his was unless he feels sure he can do it. As his condition gets worse he never feels sure, and their sex life ends. In this example, and it’s more common than you would think, it’s fear and pride, not how he feels his wife looks or how much he desires her that is keeping him from having sex.
All of that said, openness and honest will fix a good deal of it. Unfortunatly, most men have a major pride issue with sex, and that keeps them from saying what they should.
Paul Byerly recently posted…What Levels of Order Are You Prepared to Accept?My Profile

Reply

Andrew Budek-Schmeisser November 2, 2016 at 12:59 pm

B, there could be a physical issue. When I was healthy enough for sex, I didn’t enjoy it – the process hurt, and left me feeling ill afterwards. I never thought a doctor would believe me, so I didn’t talk about it.
Andrew Budek-Schmeisser recently posted…Your Dying Spouse 227 – AddictedMy Profile

Reply

Jolie November 2, 2016 at 2:05 pm

@ Andrew-

Thank you for that comment.
Sexuality is different for everyone. We don’t all have the same experience.
Yet, we expect everyone else to understand ours no matter what their experience may be.
And heaven forbid sex should hurt or make you feel ill….because you are right, no one will believe you.

Reply

K November 2, 2016 at 4:23 pm

@Andrew @Jolie
This can get tricky too. My husband has a physical issue which sometimes does cause pain during sex and on it’s own. The problem comes in when someone uses a real problem to refuse sex at times when it’s not really painful. Especially if they use as an excuse way more often than when it’s a real occurrence. At that point it becomes part of the betrayal of sexual refusal. This is now a sticky issue with my husband and myself. When his problem is acting up, he has to very careful when and how he tells me about it. If I get the feeling he is at all using it as an excuse not to have sex, it becomes an issue for both us. Just another consequence of ongoing lies that were told.

Reply

Paul Byerly November 3, 2016 at 10:45 am

@Andrew Budek-Schmeisser – There are a few rare conditions that cause this. Many doctors are not aware of them, and even if they are nailing it down is tricky.
Paul Byerly recently posted…What Levels of Order Are You Prepared to Accept?My Profile

Reply

sunny-dee November 2, 2016 at 8:47 am

Oh, I had a hard time with that post. It hurt.

I don’t think my husband has “a” fantasy girlfriend. I think he care about me, so I’m family, but for romantic affections … I don’t think he likes monogamy. I think his fantasy would be a series of endless one-night stands, and less a relationship.

For me … I used to try to fantasize only about my husband, since that’s what I really wanted anyway. I would pretend that he asked about my day or that I told him a funny story and he laughed, and sometimes about making out or sex. But then I’d start feeling like that was real or possible, and so I’d start to talk to him about my day or tell a story or something, and it would just fail disasterously. So I started imagining other things — either a group of friends, like when I was single, or a partner (not even boyfriend, exactly, just someone to talk to). It … has actually helped a lot. If Husband blows me off, I just excuse myself, and sit in my office for five minutes and imagine a conversation about whatever it was I wanted to talk about, and I can let it go.

I’m not saying it’s right, but I look at it the way people justify masturbation when someone has a refusing spouse. If I don’t have even a fantasy to fall back on, I get really lonely and depressed.

Reply

Paul Byerly November 2, 2016 at 11:06 am

@sunny-dee – I hear you. If we fantasise about our spouse doing something they would never do, are we really fantasising about them?
Paul Byerly recently posted…Make It Your Job to Invite ReconnectingMy Profile

Reply

Libl November 2, 2016 at 12:23 pm

I think so, if it is within reason. I mean, if a man with a refusing wife fantasizes about missionary PIV with his wife (who refuses to have sex at all) I think he is within decent boundaries.

My husband used to give me oral but won’t anymore. Am I wrong to fantasize about him giving me oral now?

Reply

Paul Byerly November 3, 2016 at 10:48 am

@Libl – I don’t think it’s wrong to fantasise about something a couple did in the past, or to think about something “vanilla” hat would be okay with any sexually healthy person. The real question is how do such fantasies affect our marriage and sex life. Do they help us cope, or do they increase a desire for something we probably won’t ever get? A lot of men do the latter and it can have very ugly results,
Paul Byerly recently posted…What Levels of Order Are You Prepared to Accept?My Profile

Reply

sunny-dee November 3, 2016 at 1:45 pm

When I fantasized about my husband, it was the latter. Whether he should be giving me those things (companionship, conversation, sex), the fact still is that he is not. When I tried to fantasize about him, it led me to believing that those things were possible with him and getting shoved away.

But I still need that feeling of connection. I work from home so unless I seek out conversation or companionship, I could easily go days without interacting with another human being. My only option is to go outside my marriage for some kind of emotional connection. I obviously have to be very very careful how I find it — I’ve gone to women’s groups and Bible studies for some of it because those are safe zones. I try to reconnect with old friends. But I am intentionally stepping outside my marriage because I accept and believe that I will never get any kind of emotional or physical connection from my husband.

I can let go of sex because I don’t see a lot of options there.

But if the argument is that I cannot fantasize or connect with any human being outside of my marriage for very basic emotional interactions that my husband refuses to give me, I can very honestly say that I would go into a clinical depression and start fantasizing about suicide because I have been there and you have no idea how lonely that is.

Imagine back when your wife was refusing sex and then add in that she wouldn’t speak with you, wouldn’t do anything with you, would avoid going to bed or getting up so there was no overlap of time, AND you are not allowed to talk to another human being ever because that would be betraying your marriage.

That’s so far less than the life I had when I was single.

Reply

Paul Byerly November 3, 2016 at 6:14 pm

@sunny-dee – Clearly the sex issue is part of a much bigger issue. You have my prayers.
Paul Byerly recently posted…What Levels of Order Are You Prepared to Accept?My Profile

Reply

K November 2, 2016 at 4:40 pm

Wouldn’t it somewhat depend on whether or not what they are fantasizing about should be a reasonable expectation of the marriage? You tell men all the time it good and holy for them to lust after their wives. How is that different than a wife lusting after connection with their husband? If connection is how women feel loved in marriage, wouldn’t they equate to the same thing? Isn’t that something the husband should be giving her if he’s not, just like sex is something the wife should be giving freely to the husband so he can feel loved?

And, what if your spouse dies? Is it wrong to long for or fantasize about having sex with them again? Would it mean you weren’t fantasizing about your spouse?

I think we need to be careful about this because we are getting close to calling something sin that may not be sin. I don’t think at all that it was sin for me to fantasize about having sex with my husband when he was refusing sex. It was something he could not bring himself to do at the time, but it was something he should have been doing. The same is true for a husband who is not communicating and connecting with his wife. I don’t think fantasizing about doing this with him is sin. And, yes, I think it is fantasizing about them.

Reply

Bobthemusicguy November 3, 2016 at 3:41 am

@K
I’d like to clarify one thing. I’m working from the general tendency that sexual gatekeeping and refusal is probably more often in the direction of the wife doing so. But when the husband is limiting and refusing, this still will hold true, just in reverse.

You long for communication and connection, and that’s completely right and reasonable. But what I read in many women’s comments on this blog and others, is that communication and connection are regarded as primarily verbal. And for many, that is true. But for many, like me, communication and connection are primarily physical, including sexual. But that gets dismissed as just a physical drive and need.

I used to think that way, too. I regarded my lack of sex as a rejection and dismissal of the needs of my body. It took me a long time to realize that what I was missing was communication and connection in a way that was meaningful to me. My need for sex wasn’t primarily about the physical stress and lack of release, but was really about my longing for connection with the woman I love.

I think we need to be careful about how we define communication and connection. We often limit our definition to the ways we communicate and connect ourselves, without thinking about how our spouses communicate and connect. Connection, when regarded in this way, is how we ALL feel loved in marriage.

Reply

K November 3, 2016 at 9:00 am

@Bobthemusicguy,
You’re preaching to the choir. Did you see where I wrote “just like sex is something the wife should give freely to the husband so he can feel loved?” I don’t think sex is purely physical for men. I know that’s how men fell connected and loved. That was point actually. If it’s ok for a man to fantasize about sex with his wife because that’s how connects to her and feels love, then shouldn’t the same be true about a woman fantasizing about communication with her husband since that’s how she feels loved and connected. I see no difference.

Reply

K November 3, 2016 at 9:20 am

In my original comment, I was using the words communication and connection interchangeably since communication is how many women feel connected to their husbands.

Reply

Paul Byerly November 3, 2016 at 10:50 am

@k – See my reply to Libl above. (Basically I agree with you.)
Paul Byerly recently posted…What Levels of Order Are You Prepared to Accept?My Profile

Reply

K November 2, 2016 at 4:41 pm

@sunny-dee
I’m so sorry for your pain. You have my continued prayers.

Reply

Andrew Budek-Schmeisser November 2, 2016 at 12:56 pm

Way outside the lines here, but my fantasy ‘girlfriend’ is an M18 ‘Hellcat’ tank destroyer, one of the fastest AFVs ever built. And I live in a place where, if my health were good enough and I had the money, I could tear up the desert and amaze the locals. (“Oh, dear, it’s that crazy writer in his tank, again.”)

Seriously, being stuck halfway between this life and the next, my fantasy is pretty much my wife. She lets me get on with what I can still do, and refrains from comment – which is hard – when I over-reach and collapse. I’m in the ring with Death, for more rounds than I ever imagined, and she’s in my corner ready to wipe down my face or cut the skin over the swollen-shut eyes so I can see to land a punch.

That’s enough for me. I hope she understands.

http://blessed-are-the-pure-of-heart.blogspot.com/2016/11/your-dying-spouse-227-addicted.html
Andrew Budek-Schmeisser recently posted…Your Dying Spouse 227 – AddictedMy Profile

Reply

Paul Byerly November 3, 2016 at 10:54 am

@Andrew Budek-Schmeisser – Barb is an amazing woman, even if she didn’t come equipped with a turret!
Our ongoing prayer are with the two of you and all the “children”.
Paul Byerly recently posted…What Levels of Order Are You Prepared to Accept?My Profile

Reply

Jolie November 2, 2016 at 1:55 pm

@Andrew-

I have never heard such a beautiful description of Respect and Love!

And we are all wishing our spouses would be more ……….. to meet our so called needs.

Thank you for reminding us all what truly is important in this life.

My prayers to you and your respectful fantasy wife.

Reply

Charlie O November 3, 2016 at 12:40 pm

I think that “understanding” the other gender is over-rated. More than that, it is impossible. As much as is possible, we need to CHEERFULLY give our mate what they want unless it is wrong. LOVE is not getting what you want; it is giving to the other person–not begrudgingly, but willingly. We need a greater emphasis on WHAT and HOW, not WHY. My wife gives me information about women and about herself. I don’t always share her enthusiasm, and I usually don’t understand the equation, but I get the “what” that she wants. I only refuse when I’m being selfish. When we exhibit a callous disregard for what we have been plainly told that the other person wants, it is both unloving and disrespectful. Each gender processes these two characteristics accordingly.

Reply

Jolie November 3, 2016 at 3:14 pm

I understand that disregard for the other’s needs or unwillingness to try and meet those needs is disrespectful, but, is willingness to provide the WHAT enough?

If we CHEERFULLY give our mate WHAT they want but don’t share or feel the same level of fulfillment or enthusiasm, will that be enough to satisfy the receiving spouse? If their expectation is that we have the same needs they do, but in reality we just don’t, is that an unmet expectation vs. reality?

I didn’t read this article as an article of blatant refusing or gatekeeping, I read it more along the lines of unmet expectations vs. reality and the void we feel when those expectations realistically can’t be or aren’t met. Example: “I want my wife to want and need sex the same way I do.” For some women, that may never be their reality no matter how hard they try…therefore, it will be an unmet expectation for their husband.

I wonder what my husbands “perfected” version of me is like?
On second thought, I don’t want to know.

Reply

B November 3, 2016 at 5:37 pm

@Jolie, I envy you. It sucks being a wife with a high sex drive, married to a man with a low drive. I can understand how your husband feels (if you are, in fact, referring to your own situation). Just once I’d like to feel desired by my husband. I’d like him to have sex with me because he craves me the way I crave him, and not like he’s doing me some big favor. I love him, but I feel like I am going to spend the rest of my life as a highly sexual woman who will never know what it like to be desired or have a man enjoy me sexually, rather than “helping me out.” It is a TERRIBLE FEELING. I get so mad when I read about wives who have husbands that desire them and yet they turn them down. I want to shake these women and ask “do you realize how blessed you are?”

I wish I had no sexual desire. I wish I weren’t so attracted to my husband.

I applaud you if you meet your husbands needs because you love him, but I understand if he feels sad because you can’t do so enthusiastically. That can really make the spouse feel very ugly and unloved.

Let’s say I made my husband a hot roast beef dinner and dropped it on the table and said “here!” and then sat there and ate with him with a scowl on my face. Would he enjoy it? Maybe a touch. But not nearly as much as if I served it with a smile and enjoyed it with him.

Reply

Paul Byerly November 3, 2016 at 6:17 pm

@Jolie – You ask a good question. The answer depends on the man. Some fellows are would be happy with sex even if their wife hated it and complained the whole time. Such men are, fortunately, rare. Some men will reject sex if they think their wife wants it but wants it less than they want it. Most men are between those two extremes.
I think most men would be okay if they thought their wife wants and enjoys sex, even if they want and enjoy it differently or not as much.
Paul Byerly recently posted…What Levels of Order Are You Prepared to Accept?My Profile

Reply

Bobthemusicguy November 3, 2016 at 8:56 pm

@Jolie
I believe our marriages are to reflect our relationship with Christ. Doesn’t God say He loves a CHEERFUL giver? I think that “I want my wife to want and need sex the way I do” is a very self-centered way of thinking. It’s pointless for me to try to make her into something she is not. I love her the way she is. We both have learned to accept each other the way we are, with working on becoming closer to each other and learning about each other’s needs and desires. If love, respect, and mutual servanthood are present, we will do as Romans 12:10 commands: “Outdo one another in showing honor.”

That’s why I like the names of Paul’s and Lori’s blogs: the Generous Husband and the Generous Wife. It breaks my heart to read of so many marriages here where it is obvious that mutual servanthood and generous hearts are simply missing in one or both spouses. I pray that these men and women will have their hearts softened by God so that they can get down to the business of really loving each other in a godly marriage.

Reply

Charlie O November 4, 2016 at 6:42 am

If you would like to torture yourself, there are questions that you can ask your mate that certainly do that. You put them in difficult situation of either lying or telling you something that will cause you pain–unnecessary, useless, destructive pain.

In the non-sexual realm my wife asks me to do things that I really don’t want to do. She doesn’t know that I don’t want to because I cheerfully comply. She wants it; I love her; she gets it. A loving spouse is a cheerful servant!

“I want my wife to want and need sex the way I do” is cluelessly stupid. And, for a wife to demand something of her husband and expect him to want it the same way she does would be equally ridiculous. Do two people have to enjoy a meal, an outing, a sunset, etc. in the same way and for the same reasons reasonable? I think not.

Reply

Bobthemusicguy November 4, 2016 at 9:07 am

Wasn’t God smart to not make us all the same? In marriage, and in other relationships, we bring different strengths and weaknesses, different ideas and preferences, different personalities and abilities. God can use these differences to make a whole that is greater than the sum of its parts. We often sinfully use these differences to complain and whine, or we try to bludgeon our spouses into being like ourselves.

By not only learning to live with, but even celebrating our differences, we see a bit more of God’s character, something not normally seen within ourselves. And there is also the opportunity to practice generosity, patience, mercy, and forgiveness, which wouldn’t happen if we were all alike.

We often get stuck in comparisons about who has it easier or harder: male/female, rich/poor, young/old, etc. I for one am totally glad my wife is not like me. If I want someone like myself, I’d better spend most of my time alone in front of a mirror.

Reply

Leave a Comment

CommentLuv badge

Previous post:

Next post: