His And Hers Culture Clash Problems

November 9, 2016

in Uncategorized

Reading and replying to comments on both this blog and The Generous Husband gives me an interesting perspective of how differently men and women see things. Seems there are two sides to most things. Much of this seems to come down to a clash between “male culture” and “female culture”.

I found a great many definitions for the word culture. Borrowing from a couple of those, I’m calling culture “A way of life. The accepted customs, activities, and worldviews of a subgroup of people that provides them with a basis for perceiving themselves as persons of worth.

Looking at the world around me I see many cultures, with most of us belonging to or ascribing to multiple cultures. I think the vast majority of us include a gender-based culture in there, and I think it has a particularly powerful influence in how we think and act. The fact we don’t usually think about culture in terms of gender makes it invisible, which means we generally fail to realise it’s affecting us.

His And Hers Culture Clash Problems

A great example of what I’m talking about can be found in the comments on last month’s A Different Take on His Porn Struggle post. I’ve gone a couple of rounds of comments with several of you as we try to understand what we each mean by certain words. Beyond that, there are the assumptions/beliefs we have about what using porn does and does not mean. All of this fuels significant gender-based differences in how men and women perceive porn use. This is just one example of gender culture clash; I see it in many other situations.

When male culture and female culture differ on something, how does a couple find common ground? It’s not usually something that can be solved with a compromise, and asking either to abandon what their culture tells them feels invasive and disrespectful. 

The only hope I see is for both spouses to be willing to challenge what their culture has told them is truth. Attack confirmation bias and reject peer pressure. Look for God’s truth and reject anything that’s at odds with that.

I realise this is a radical suggestion. It means you may put yourself at odds with female culture. But if it puts you more in line with God’s kingdom and helps your marriage, I figure it’s worth it.

~ Paul – I’m XY, and I know I’ve been significantly programmed by male culture.

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{ 3 comments… read them below or add one }

Madeline12 November 9, 2016 at 9:42 am

That is why I never posted in reply to your answer to my comment on that string. :)

Your response shocked me as much as I think my opinion did you. My mouth actually fell open as I stared at my screen in disbelief.

I think it’s bigger than culture. We just don’t have the same worldview. We may all say “I want to serve God and hope to be happy. ” as a starting place, but our roads never converge again – and our very starting definitions may be entirely different.

Truth is, I have given up really trying to understand men. What I have learned from this blog is that I never will, but I now understand far better what a mystery I am to my husband which has made me much more patient and kind during our times of contention and much more able to extend grace than I was before.

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Paul Byerly November 9, 2016 at 12:37 pm

@Madeline12 – Love your last sentence. May we all learn to be this way.
Paul Byerly recently posted…His And Hers Culture Clash ProblemsMy Profile

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Dan November 11, 2016 at 2:19 pm

Madeline12,

The more I research for my blog trying to promote understanding and common ground, the more I feel like you. I may never understand the opposite sex. Worse, I’m not so sure they will understand themselves either. HA! I do know, like you I am becoming more compassionate and sympathetic. Not only are you more complex with your sexuality, but there is a lot of variation from one woman to the next which makes each of you emotionally unique. The one thing you all seem to have in common is you aren’t men and that makes understanding you all the more difficult for us.
Dan recently posted…Believing in Fairies Isn’t Always EnoughMy Profile

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