Note: Both today and Wednesday’s posts are in-your-face-don’t-do-this rants. I try not to do too much of that here, but these posts are within the bounds of understanding the male mind because both of them address something men strongly dislike in a spouse.
It seems we live in a society that has elevated being a victim to a place of honour and power. Being a victim gives one rights, including the right to deny others their rights. It also seems those who’ve been hurt get a pass on certain behaviour we don’t accept from others.
I’m all for helping those who have been wronged, and some special considerations are reasonable. But I fear we’ve gone way too far in some areas, and I find there’s no checking of someone’s “victim status”. One need only claim to be a victim to receive all the rights and privileges that come with the title. The natural consequence of this is some people take advantage of the fact that being a victim gives them great power.
This becomes a marriage problem when a spouse decides it’s a good way of getting power or control in their marriage. In a nutshell, it’s the “If mama ain’t happy, ain’t no one happy” attitude. If I’m hurt, wounded, offended, or feeling wronged, it’s your fault and you have to make it right. And of course, the one who is feeling wronged is the only one who is allowed to determined what it takes to make it right.
If this works, it becomes a trap. The person is in control as long as they’re offended or upset. Being happy is a problem because it means relinquishing power. So offence must continue, which means looking for reasons to be offended while turning a blind eye to anything good the other person does.
This is clearly not a biblical way to deal with marriage. On a practical side, it tears a marriage apart. It’s destroying the future for a bit of power now, and it will never end well.
~ Paul – I’m XY, and I’m so glad my first-hand experience with this doesn’t come from my wonderful bride!