Please Stop Believing All the Lies!

November 21, 2016

in Uncategorized

I’m becoming more and more aware that marriages are being crippled and killed because one or both spouses believes things that aren’t true. When we accept a lie as true it becomes our reality, and that means it shapes what we think, believe, and feel. When we rely on lie based beliefs, thoughts, and feelings to make decisions we have no chance of getting it right. Dealing with the decisions or the thinking behind the decisions isn’t the solution. The only solution is to find and get rid of the lies.

Please Stop Believing All the Lies!

Lies come from various places. Some can be tracked back to what we were taught as children. Even worse are the lies we learned based on what we observed as children. These give us wrong ideas about how men are, how women are, and how marriage is. Another source of lies are the stories we tell among our same sex friends. Women telling women what men think or how they feel is like a group of guys telling each other what childbirth feels like. Then there are the half lies that come from thinking all men are alike. Even if most men are a certain way, your husband may be an outlier. (I’ll be saying more about this one soon.)

A couple of lies we really need to stop believing are that a majority of marriages end in divorce (not even close to true) and that divorce is an easy out of pain (it’s not).

Lies colour our view of things and encourage us to do things that harm us, our marriages, and those we love most. Becoming a good lie detector will make your life, and your marriage, much better.

~ Paul – I’m XY, and I’ve found so many lies deeply rooted in my thinking.

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{ 7 comments… read them below or add one }

Chris November 21, 2016 at 7:45 am

Another source of lies are the stories we tell among our same sex friends. Women telling women what men think or how they feel is like a group of guys telling each other what childbirth feels like.

I understand what you’re saying here, and to a point I agree with you. The genders do have a sort of “folklore” that gets passed around so much that it can look like truth even if it isn’t. However, that folklore serves an important purpose: translation. I can read or hear the same phrases from men, time and time again, without getting it. When another women puts that male truth into an analogy or wording that speaks to me, in my own language, I can finally get it. Maybe my understanding isn’t a full picture of what men experience, but it is at least a glimpse of the truth rather than seeing nothing.

Then there are the half lies that come from thinking all men are alike.

Yeah, we all have to be careful about this one, I think. I’ve come away from reading some things written by or about men, convinced that my husband must be a certain way–and if he says he isn’t, I think he’s either deluded or lying. I have to choose to believe him, and that isn’t always easy when there are so many other voices telling me something different from what he is telling me. I try to be careful in my writing to say things like “many men” or “most men” or “some men,” but I know I miss this sometimes.
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Paul Byerly November 21, 2016 at 10:46 am

@Chris – I like the term folklore – perfect description. And yes it can be an excellent translation tool – as long as the translation is accurate. I’ve heard enough bad translations from male folklore to be wary. It’s nice when the sexes talk so they can confirm or fix translations.
On the other, I’ve seen several recent comments that show me I’ve done this to a few men by what I’ve written here. I do use qualifiers, but probably not as much as I should. And even when I do, I suspect they sometimes get lost.
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Bobthemusicguy November 22, 2016 at 10:54 am

@Chris. Thanks for bringing up the tendency to broad brush people in groups. We all do this to some extent, because there are often general tendencies within many groups. This type of thinking is so ingrained in the human mind because it helps us to get a handle on a lot of information. But we often don’t filter that information and compare it to known facts. My responsibility in my marriage is to address the woman I’m married to, as an individual woman, not a representative of a group. If she aligns with general tendencies, well and good, but if not, I can’t lump her in because “people” say something, or the latest research, or my friends, or my pastor, or Oprah, or . . .

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ted November 22, 2016 at 8:40 am

The thing about lies is that the best ones are half-truths. For instance the enemy tells a wife, her husband is only good to her so that she will have sex. That contains a half-truth, because sex is how men, in general, connect intimately with their wives. I think it’s also true however that generally, a man is never more emotionally vulnerable, than when he approaches his wife sexually. It also ignores the fact that it’s not just sex he wants, but sex with HER.
The same is true for husbands. The enemy tells him she just isn’t that into him, or respect him, or however you put it if she’s not interested in sex as much as he would like. The truth is oftentimes, she just needs time to get into the frame of mind to be able to enjoy it. Also there is a lot of pressure from Christian culture in general to influence them to have shame over what they consider to be excessive sexual desire on their part.
I think the trick is to find the truth in the lies. It’s far more effective to counter the half-truth with the whole truth. Something I admittedly need to be a lot better at doing.

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Paul Byerly November 22, 2016 at 2:42 pm

@ted – Yeah, half truths are the worst because we see some truth and assume it’s all true.
We also do the opposite – see the half lie in something and dismiss the whole thing as a lie.
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MrShorty November 23, 2016 at 8:05 am

I sometimes think the hardest “stereotype” lies to stop believing are those that begin with “God made men/women so that _____”. Sometimes the godless biologist in me steps up and challenges me on whether something is how “God made men/women”. Sometimes, looking at the exceptions to whatever God made stereotype I am looking at, and it seems obvious that, if God really did make men/women that way, then His manufacturing tolerances leave much to be desired. Other times, I look at whatever stereotype and simply conclude that stating something as God made is overstating it. When we convince ourselves that a stereotype is “God made” then it can be particularly difficult to stop believing that lie.

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Paul Byerly November 23, 2016 at 12:03 pm

@MrShorty – And to make this even more difficult, there are those who want to deny sex-based differences that have a clear biologic cause.
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