When Valentine’s Is A Flop

February 13, 2017

in Uncategorized

Some men see Valentine’s Day as more of a gauntlet to be run than a holiday to be celebrated. Getting it right has no real benefit while getting it wrong will cost them big time. Oh, and by the way, he doesn’t get to know the rules or judging criteria. 

When Valentine's Is A Flop

I realise this is an extreme, but as is often the case the extreme can help make a valid point. Many men struggle to understand what “being romantic” looks like. If they don’t know what it is, how can they do it well?

If your hubby makes an effort, please praise him for that. If he makes a mess, be generous with him. If he ignores it all together, I’m sorry and you have my prayers.

BTW: Making sex part of the day is a good way to keep most men from seeing V-day as a flop.

~ Paul – I’m XY, and I try to romance my wife EVERY day.

Check this out! 

Tomorrow is the start of Sex Chat for Christian Wives. This podcast is being done by four ladies I know and respect. Last year Lori and I had the blessing of meeting all four of these women and their husbands. We shared a meal and hours of conversation with each couple and loved every moment of it. (But one waiter in Florida may still be getting over what he overheard!) 

These women have all been blogging about sex for a good while, and they come from different sexual backgrounds. This is a great mix of great women, and I’m sure it’s going to be a great resource. 

Sex Chat for Christian Wives

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{ 13 comments… read them below or add one }

Libl February 13, 2017 at 2:22 am

My husband made it really easy…he put his foot down and absolutely refuses to acknowledge Valentine’s Day. Used to bug me because I soooo wanted to be romanced and wanted to celebrate, but now, I am grateful to not have another thing to worry about and deal with.

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TB February 13, 2017 at 5:37 am

For years my husband didn’t acknowledge any special day, not my birthday, Mother’s Day, our anniversary, much less Valentines Day. It made me so angry because he wanted me to acknowledge those days. He wanted me to put in all the effort and got mad if I didn’t do enough, but I never knew what enough was because he did nothing. I finally told him that it really hurt me when he set standards I knew nothing about and those standards were double standards. I told him all I really need if for him to take a couple moments, look me in the eyes and wish my a happy whatever the special day was. A card would be nice too, but simply saying the words and taking that time showed me he remembered and I was important and special. I waited eight years after becoming a mother to hear happy Mother’s Day. But now I got cards and sometimes even flowers, a new book by my favorite authors, or so other small gift that shows he loves me. It doesn’t have to be expensive, it had to be expressive.

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Paul Byerly February 13, 2017 at 10:07 am

@TB “It doesn’t have to be expensive, it had to be expressive.”
Very good! Wish I’d had that to put in today’s Generous Husband post!
Paul Byerly recently posted…Your Final Valentine’s ReminderMy Profile

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B February 13, 2017 at 5:57 am

Ah, Valentines Day. Another day to be reminded that you’re just never going to be worthy of any real love. Another wonderful holiday that comes around once a year to lower your self esteem just a little more. When all the female relatives call to tell you about the wonderful things their boyfriends/husbands did for them, and then ask “what did YOU get?” And you reply with fake joy in your voice, “oh nothing really. Valentines Day isn’t a big deal.”

And then you read the blog comments about all the wives who DONT want flowers or candy, because they think it’s not thoughtful, or good enough. And you wonder, what it would be like to have a husband who found you feminine enough, or special enough, to give you flowers. Maybe when you’ve never been given flowers or candy (without begging for it, thus rendering it meaningless), maybe you think it would be fun to be surprised with a little heart shaped box of candy just once. Just to know the feeling, just once, that you were thought of and found worthy of the effort.

And you hear the other complaints about how he “expects” sex on Valentines Day, and again, you wonder what it would be like to be as attractive or desireable as these other wives. Because if VDay falls on a work night, there’s a very good chance you won’t be seen as worth the time.

Are my feelings selfish? Probably. Do I find Valentines Day painful and REALLY wish it wasn’t a thing? Yep. Will I try to ignore it and pretend I’m don’t care and I’m not hurting inside? You betcha.

And I’ll look forward to the 4th of July. Nice weather, fun afternoon, no expectations.

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Paul Byerly February 13, 2017 at 10:10 am

@B – Please don’t think your husband’s choices say anything about your value, because they do not. His choices are about his own standards, brokenness, and selfishness, just as your choice are about your standards, brokenness, and selfishness.
Paul Byerly recently posted…Your Final Valentine’s ReminderMy Profile

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Madeline12 February 13, 2017 at 6:21 am

Mine too. Except it doesn’t bother me. It did surprise me at first when we were dating, but he told me, “Valentine’s Day and other Hallmark holidays are a cop-out. They are unhealthy. If you want something, tell me
If you need something, ask. If you feel unloved, talk to me. I hate the idea of making an effort because of a day on the calendar. We should both be doing that all the time.”

He also despises getting presents.

So, we do nothing.

I now see how much stress what’s supposed to be a day of love causes couples.

After years of just accepting, I completely agree with him. We should chuck the holiday out the window.

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Stephen Howe February 13, 2017 at 11:12 am

I agree, you should be doing things for eachother all the time (within reason).
I still do stuff for my wife on Valentines Day, Christmas, whatever. I do something a little more, but that’s me.
The “if you had sex with me more then on my Birthday I wouldn’t want it so much on that day” rule applies here too: if you feel treasured most other days of the year then one specific day isn’t as important. I’d say the day is no more a holiday then Christmas, Easter, Mothers Day, Fathers Day, or Thankgiving: someone just said “This day is now !”
Doesn’t mean I don’t do something special for it.
For my wife to give more thought to me I had to change what I was doing and give more thought to her. If both of us say “meh” then that’s the best we’ll ever be.

My wife also almost never does anything for me for Valentines Day or Christmas, but that’s not a reason for me to not do something for her.

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Andrew Budek-Schmeisser February 13, 2017 at 6:56 am

Valentine’s Day with a corny, handmade card and gifts of those eternal candy hearts is fun.

When it becomes a competition with what one did last year, or what a neighbour is doing, the joy goes away, and it’s like doing a job and hoping for praise.
Andrew Budek-Schmeisser recently posted…Your Dying Spouse 271 – Do You Want To Know?My Profile

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B February 13, 2017 at 7:17 am

@Andrew, yes! You’ve said what I didn’t know how to say. I would LOVE it if we could just have a little laugh together. Buy a box of candy hearts and spell out a silly sentence next to the coffee pot, and I would be THRILLED! 99 cents, a happy wife, and you’re done! If only hubby thought I was worth the 99 cents and the ten minute trip to the store. It is so NOT about competing with others, or last year, but just showing love in a fun way.

(And yet, I know some pretty b***chy women who’s husbands treat them like absolute queens because they love them so, so much.) So that’s kinda confusing, too. And so when he does nothing at all, it makes me feel like he doesn’t even see me as worthy as love.

@Madeline12, I agree with you. I wish VDay wasn’t even a thing. I’m not really into getting “stuff” – but I could do without the reminder that romance seriously lacks in our relationship. Or with my husband saying “I want you to be happy”, but then refusing to do the smallest thing to express any kind of love. It’s just a painful reminder of what isn’t.

On a positive note, I’m going to try to use it this year as a reminder to look to Christ for love. I think I’ll be much happier once I learn to do that on a consistent basis.

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Paul Byerly February 13, 2017 at 10:16 am

Best Valentine’s gift I ever got Lori was the Wild Thing Gorilla – http://bit.ly/2l0GK5A

We used it to torment our son and his teenage friends for years!
Paul Byerly recently posted…Your Final Valentine’s ReminderMy Profile

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Alicia February 13, 2017 at 11:14 am

My husband and I sometimes do small things for each other for Valentine’s Day, sometimes not. But if not, it doesn’t really bother me, because he’s good about using the other 364 days of the year to show me he loves me. I used to be something of a tomboy in my twenties. I’ve outgrown most of that, thanks largely in part to my husband, who has shown me that being feminine doesn’t have to equal being weak. However, my view about Valentine’s Day is still one that’s not as common among women. My husband has more use for the sappy Hallmark holidays than I do. I’ve actually heard people freak out on him if they hear he didn’t go all out for V-Day, and subtly criticize him, or say something like, “Oh man, you’re going to be in the doghouse with Alicia this year!” Um, no, he’s not. I’d a hundred times more he show me his love in the ways he does than get me something because some holiday tells him he’s obligated to do so.

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Jerry Stumpf February 14, 2017 at 7:20 am

It is sad to read all the posts about men or woemen who refuse or are ignorant as to how easy romance truly is to accomplish. A little kindness, with a slight nudge of imagination and kind gestures aimed at making your spouse feel a bit better is all it is about.
As “B” mentioned “It doesn’t have to be expensive, it had to be expressive.”

I don’t understand why couples choose trauma, arguing and tension over peace, love and gentleness towards the person you pledged your life to. Yet our coaching is filled with people who choose selfishness over self serving and “I” instead of “you” to focus our attention. It is not only Biblical, it is practical to understand the “it is more blessed to give than to receive.

Just today, and every other “today” you are blessed with, choose to do one small act of kindness towards your spouse. Not grandiose or over the top, just one simple sticky not of cheer, one message placed on a mirror with an erasable pen, one short text to say I Love You! and am thinking about you, one ???? you find some easy, quick gestures which say to your special person, I REALLY MARRIED THE RIGHT PERSON!
Jerry Stumpf recently posted…Overcome Problems in your marriageMy Profile

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Paul Byerly February 14, 2017 at 10:27 am

@ Jerry Stumpf “I don’t understand why couples choose trauma, arguing and tension over peace, love and gentleness towards the person you pledged your life to.”

One word my friend – pride.

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