October 26, 2013

“What is he thinking?”

What is he thinking? © Scott Griessel | Dreamstime.comHow often do you say that to yourself? Or, maybe you go straight to “Is he thinking?”

Has he devoted so much of his mind to sex and sports that he is unable to focus on what you find important, or is his mind inherently different from your mind? In fact, his mind is different; partly because God made him male, and partly because of the way culture has shaped him (and you, for that matter). His genetic code is XY, while you are XX. The difference in chromosomes is minor, but it causes significant differences in your bodies, and your brains. 

What would happen if you gained a better understanding of his mind, his emotions, his drives and desires? At the very least, a few misunderstandings would vanish without any effort on anyone’s part. If skillfully applied, what you learn could help you see even greater changes. You could learn ways to communicate that were more likely to be heard and understood. You would discover ways to avoid or minimise certain problems. You would be more likely to get what you need from him, and you would be better able to give him what he wants.

This blog is not about fixing you… or him. Better understanding leads to a better marriage, and a better marriage should lead to positive changes in both of you – which will make your marriage even better.

You may be thinking, “But there are places where I need him to be fixed.” I get that, and we will discuss ways of working for needed changes, but understanding is usually a great starting place.

While we have a general direction set, we expect that direction to be adjusted by you, our readers. Your comments and emails will shape the blog, so please speak up!

~ Paul and Lori

Image Credit: © Scott Griessel | Dreamstime.com

{ 8 comments… read them below or add one }

Brenda November 25, 2014 at 11:48 am

I just asked my husband what % of him was sexual in his thinking and his overall being and he replied 88% . It is so important that I know this because it alters the way I respond to him. I didn’t consider in the past, that it was that big a part of him. Maybe for my own benefit of not wanting to be wanted that much. Your column is amazing and already has us talking. thank you for all that you are doing.


Paul Byerly November 25, 2014 at 12:25 pm

Thanks Brenda. The more talking the better!
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Alan May 1, 2015 at 12:41 pm

I told my wife once that sex was 50% of everything. Do the math now. If Wife and I connect sexually, both are satisfied, 50% done. Add now, food (survival) lets say 20%. Add money, another 20%. Then add emotional stuff 10%. Mess with the numbers at will, but not the 50% sex. Well-being is 100% when we are emotionally/physically doing well.

Now remove sex altogether. -50% to start. add lack of money and good food and emotions are bad due to family stress issues or long work hours etc. that 50% would be more like 25%.

So on a bad day I am 25 % then wife and I get together sexually, twice per week, we add 50% (sex) to our already 25% which equals 75%…not bad! We can make it!

Remove sex in which the wife is indifferent and accusatory; -50% plus 25% you get 25%. Which equals depression, lack of marital vision, temptation and boredom in the marriage.


Paul Byerly May 4, 2015 at 10:29 am

I understand what you are saying, but I see two problems:

1) Her math is different than your math. Sex is a much smaller part of her need. (And she may see it as even smaller than it is.) Sex will never be 50% for her. The emotional stuff is a huge part for her, so if it’s lacking she is not doing well no matter what else is happening.

2) I find sex as 50% to be too high. I accept it is how you feel, and I am not saying you are wrong. However, it feels like 50% because you are “not getting enough”. If all your needs were being met, sex would not be such a big part. It would still be a big part, but not half.

I would say you are too focused on sex while she is not focused enough. When you push it she backs off. When she backs off you feel the need to push even more. You are in a vicious cycle and more of the same from both of you will not change it. I pray one of both of you can find a way to make a change.
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Tim March 17, 2016 at 5:12 am

Very, very well put!!


Rich August 6, 2015 at 1:53 am

I’m a 30 year old guy. I’ve been single most of my life although I’ve had sex with many women. I’ve come to realise that there is no enduring satisfaction in casual. And the pursuit of it is painful, expensive, unhealthy. My life has changed a lot recently. My beliefs have changed. I now believe that Jesus Christ the Son of God, died for all the sins of people. Our past, present and future sins were ALL paid for in full. There are no sins that have not already been paid for… it’s all done. Now I study to learn the way God would have me live. Sex outside of marriage is not part of God’s wish and will for us. In fact, Paul even goes as far as to say that it’s good for people to remain single as he is but But since sexual immorality is occurring, each man should have sexual relations with his own wife, and each woman with her own husband.

I’ve been fighting my old nature… my sexual nature of constantly thinking about sex. If I may I’ll be straight up on the facts, I now have gone without masterbation for about 2 weeks and there’s no sign that i’ll need to. I’ve been working on this for a while. When any sexual thoughts come into mind I immediately change the focus of my mind. I think about something else. I get up and go for a walk. It’s becoming easier and easier and the sexual thoughts are becoming less and less and this brings me untold joy.

A couple weeks ago a girl who I have known for a short while wanted me while I was in her house alone. She was aggressive but I managed to resist and leave her house. I feel much better about myself. I no longer base my decision making and choices on what will enhance my chance of getting sex with attractive women. I’m free of that and it’s really really great.

Sorry that this is so long but I just wanted to add another perspective to this conversation. Have a great day all.



H October 23, 2015 at 6:42 pm

I am a 30 year old guy too. I have only ever been with my wife and only after we were married. I feel grateful that I don’t know what I’m missing in the world having only been with her. At the same time, I am extremely frustrated knowing what I AM missing with her that I wish she valued more. She talked a big game before marriage but now I feel like the victim of a bait and switch. The one thing I am only allowed to do with her is the same thing she has no interest in.


Pat March 18, 2016 at 6:52 pm

So woman wants to understand men. #1 don’t over analyze we are not that complicated. We generally say what we mean. We also know what not to say. Overall if a man is in love he will go through great lengths to keep her happy and safe. Yes sex is a very big part of the big picture. From me sex. I don’t like that word don’t happen as oft. As I would like but that take away from love and compassion I have for my wife of almost 30 years. Just some thoughts. Thx. Pat


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