What Husbands Want Their Wives to Know

March 23, 2014

What would you like me to tell wives? Please separate different issues with a blank line, and try to keep it short.

  • That sex is important to men. Please be a wife at home and keep us focused on you so we don’t go outside the home looking for satisfaction. Not wearing a bra or panties won’t kill you. And even if your husband ask you to go into public , trust that he will protect you and your interests.
  • Modesty… In my life I’ve heard a lot of coverage from the pulpit and other Christian sources on the modesty a woman should show in their day-to-day life. But, without actively seeking the answer through study, it seems that the reasoning for modesty is rarely addressed. I love having a wife that isn’t dressing or acting in a way that is garnering the attention of other men. But I feel like God desires that modesty so that there remains something special that is only shared between a man and a wife. And when that modesty continues into the married relationship it loses its appeal. There is nothing special. I’m getting the same treatment that every other man is. I’ve found, in my marriage, that this further changes other aspects of the relationship. When I’m receiving the same treatment as other men in the modesty department, simple conversations I see my wife have with other men, that would otherwise go unnoticed, are scrutinized. I see her laugh or carry on a fun conversation with others and feel like it’s flirtatious and that others are now getting a side of my wife that I don’t get. A little long… To summarize: when I receive the same modesty as everyone else, it loses it’s appeal. There’s nothing special about it. It results in small things (conversations, laughing w/ other men), that would normally go unnoticed, to be scrutinized as to whether someone else is giving or receiving more from my wife than I am.
  • To discuss sexual desires (frequency,variety, etc) of hers openly, however understanding the impact it may create on the husband – some may feel negative about the wife if such topics discussed. To reasonably trust the husband on his abilities, thoughts, suggestions on various issues in general. Give feed backs on their husband in all aspects in a manner that will not create problem in the marriage.
  • 1. Tell me what you like sexually! I prefer to be guided than to guess, ending up guessing wrong, and ruining sex for you. 2. I’d love to do more oral sex with you, but you keep pushing me away……and you don’t like to talk about sex so I don’t know why. 3. I hate begging for sex……which is what it feels like I’m doing when I try to passionately kiss you several times a night to keep reminding you I exist when the TV is on. 4. I REALLY would love to have sex every day for the 10-day challenge, but I already know you’d turn down the idea…..and the pain of that rejection is too much to bear. 5. I wish you thought about sex more. I wish I could get you to understand how sexy I find you, even after 2 kids and 30 years of marriage. 6. I wish you’d try more positions. 7. I wish you’d take better care if yourself….because if you felt better you’d have more time and energy for sex with your husband. 8. I would SO love to watch you masturbate. Besides being a major turn on I could learn something about what turns YOU on. 9. I wish me doing housework, the dishes, vacuuming really was a turn on for you. It sure doesn’t seem to be. 10. I wish you fully understood how the negative attitude towards sex you learned as a youngster, combined with the emotional distance of your Dad and his attitude that his love had to earned, has carried over into our marriage and harmed it, even after 30 years. 11. I wish I knew you enjoyed sex.
  • Husbands love encouraging words We need to be respected even when you don’t feel like it Not many of us had good emotionally available role models so be patient
  • Sex is part of our identity as men, we are not trying to use you. You initiating sex helps us feel sexually desired and wanted. We don’t have to be the initiators 100% of the time. We try to understand you, but it isn’t easy with our male minds. Respecting us is also part of our identity as men.
  • How much her refusing / gatekeeping hurts.
  • That men want physical affection from their wives. We want them to enjoy it and not act like they do it just for us. I have a wife that is not a touchy Feely person and I am.
  • Remind them that their very Being is what inflames us so with sexual desire. The only way to get rid of the desire would be for them never even to be in our lives. Remind them how sad this would be.
  • I love seeing YOUR body! You are the only one I can with a clear conscience look at and thoroughly enjoy, so let me see your body. Don’t be ashamed of it, I don’t see it like you do. Is see every curve, nipple, angle, form as very attractive and desireable, so wear revealing clothes (at the appropriate time) especially in the bedroom. Forget those pajamas – the less the better when it comes to clothing in bed. I love touching your skin and seeing you, so strut your stuff for me – you are the apple of my eye and my delight is all in you!
  • It’s not possible to be “greedy” when a man desires his wife.
  • I wish you kept a better house. Thank you for loving me. I’m sorry when I let you down.
  • I love you The best way to tell me you love me is to have sex with me Flurt with me more often
  • Tell that I want her Love and Respect me. I Love her with All my Heart. All my hard Work and planning for the Future is for Out Future together.
  • Please let us know what would really help you to be able to relax enough to make love. I’ve finally figured out that if the laundry’s not folded or the dishes are out or other such thing, she will work to get it done, then be too tired to make love even though she says she would love to. It would be nice to know specifically how we can help. Sometimes I can’t see what needs to be done unless I’m instructed in what she expects Acknowledge that we are trying even if we mess things up (unless it’s obvious that we aren’t trying. They know the difference.) It bugs me when I’ve really been working on something and don’t get acknowledgment, then criticize when I fail to do it or do it incorrectly. For example, I desperately need to work on communication. When I communicate poorly or incompletely, I still feel judged. I think I have improved, but it would be nice to hear that.
  • Man’s need for understanding and respect – we have our insecurities too Women – hard to be intimate with a man who is not thoughtful throughout the day. Man – hard to be thoughtful to a woman who refuses him sexually -how to break the cycle
  • Initiate having sex more often. Taking control and pleasing her man. Oral sex giving and receiving.
  • Asking me to do something just because you don’t want to do it is not “delegating”
  • More sex other than vanilla sex, I understand life can be exhausting but when you share your time and body in this way you can wrap your husband around your fingers and we will be your puppet on a string. It is just the way it works.
  • You should see my job like a women to compeat with. I work to support our home.
  • – that some men would really like intimate sex way more than they’re getting – I would love oral – rejection is deeply painful – don’t be afraid that “it will never be enough” – guys are wired for the visual image
  • Just because they have their poeriods, it doesn’t mean their husbands are dead.
  • When I tell her about or read her a Christian marriage/sex improvement blog entry (i.e. something I found on The Generous Husband, XY Code, To Love Honor & Vacuum, Hot, Holy & Humorous, Intimacy in Marriage, etc.), please take it somewhat seriously and give me some time, energy, courtesy, etc. of whatever it is that I might be trying to communicate. Please don’t discount it or keep putting me off about it, or assume that if it involves the topic of sex, it must be dirty or wrong or not worthwhile or impractical or any other reason that might be causing her to ignore my attempts at opening discussion. I don’t think she understands the value of the information I glean from your site (and others) and how much it helps me toward becoming a better man in our marriage and family. I know you’ve said be patient as it takes time for her to notice the changes, and actually I think she has & she’s acknowledged it. But I’d like to make this more of a joint effort or activity that she, too, participates in instead of just me.
  • That we need them to embrace our minds sexually – telling us about provocative undies, waiting for us to get home, that kind of thing. Just a little will help keep our minds on them throughout the day. And then, of course, follow thru when we do get home, at least in little ways.
  • Sex and all the bodily functions are not gross. Be nude more often. Initiate. Be more adventurous. Talk more about sex wants needs desires and fantasies.
  • Maintain a expressive loving affectionate relationship with your husband, do not forget to hug, kiss,and otherwise touch him as the years pass even if you do not have sex as ofter as you or him might like the show of affection will keep the fires of desire burning for each other.
  • Why do so many husbands cheat & blame it on the wives?
  • get over your sexual phobias and try some things, you just might like it.
  • Forget what their repressive mothers told them about sex, it really is good. I want my wife to be sexy, nasty and bold.
  • Tell them how to say no when they don’t want to have sex. Too many times the answer is anger (“how many times have I told you that I’m too tired on Thursday…”) or just an flat no. Answers like “how about tomorrow” are much better. Tell wives to ask initiate conversations with their husbands about sex. Don’t assume because he has said something that no news is good news.
  • How intimate it is for me to give her oral sex, even though she says she gets nothing out of it. NOTHING says I love you like her giving me oral sex. (No sarcasm, or effort to manipulate here, just the straight-up blunt facts.)
  • That my focus on my profession is not because it is more important than her, it is because it relies entirely on me while our marriage and (having raised) our children is a shared responsibility and journey and I strive to balance marriage and family. I need grace when the balance gets out of whack and loving correction, not disdain. That I love you more now than ever even when you feel less attractive because of ….. When I look at you I don’t see ….. I see a beautiful woman that I was blessed to marry. I know that you may think my saying that is because it is the “right thing” or I am trying to get something–sex?–but it is not that at all, it is my heart loving you because I just do. That I know my past failures hurt you deeply and I know I can never undo them and I am striving to listen to you as you express that pain and listen without trying to become defensive. In fact, I have received total forgiveness and grace from Christ but I know that is hard for any human to extend those in the same way. That I think you are the best mom and at least for me the best wife on the earth no matter what you think. That I know you don’t want me to “take care of you” because you are if anything more self sufficient than I am but when I do it, it comes from my way of wanting to express love.
  • That sometimes we need skin to skin contact. NOT with sex, just the feel of her skin.
  • Physical affection is important to my well-being (and I don’t mean just sex, although that is nice sometimes)
  • She is beautiful, sexy and all I ever want. And I want her A LOT.
  • A marriage is about two people. Not just two people when it is convenient for you. When things get busy I would appreciate you not always putting me on the bottom of the list . shock us by saying ” you know what I’m so tired its sex or Facebook tonight” then put down your phone . Although you may take a week off every month from intimicy (sometimes all types),please respect that us husband’s don’t .
  • Sex and physical closeness are important.
  • Don’t call the co-worker who gets a boob job or the young lady who bends over too far and shows the top over her thong a slut. Especially when I know what you did in high school and college.
  • –Initiating passionate sex is important to me as your husband. If I’m the only one doing it, it makes me feel like I’m the only one who cares about this vital aspect of our relationship — and that reflects on ALL of our relationship –If you refuse me for whatever reason, genuine or not, and then say “We’ll do it tomorrow” or “We’ll do xyz another time” — you need to keep your word on that. If I have to bring it up, it makes me feel like our intimacy isn’t a priority for you. –If you’ve refused me for years and you’re now “trying” to make things better, you need to go out of your way in consistently showing me that you’ve changed. It’s like taking out a loan…you pay it back, with interest. Your enthusiastic interest in our intimate life is vital to our intimate life. –Just as I ask you what you like in bed and then follow through on that, I would like it if you asked me what I like in bed…and show me through your actions that you paid real attention to what I said. –I’d like to be able to talk about sex outside the bedroom (when we’re not having sex) in a calm, earnest and sincere way…and not get blown off or dismissed (“Sex is all you care about”) or made to feel badly in any way –Doing the “same old same old” gets old…I’d like to feel like I’m not the only one actively, consistently trying to keep our sex life fun, interesting, engaging and loving…maybe even a little kinky! That might involve a little research on your part – web sites, books, videos, toys, etc. All within your comfort zone of course, but it would be nice to see you break out of your comfort zone when that means improving our intimacy. It only gets better for us both when we try to go out of our way to please each other.
  • Don’t forget about me. I am like a bearing, made for work, made to handle a load of responsibilities but I’m not maintenance free. I need greased now an then. If you push me too hard for too long I can’t be repaired or made new again. Just because you have gained weight and choose to do nothing about it, don’t act like Kim Jong Un and think that keeping me from seeing attractive women on TV or a magazine (not talking porn) will make me not notice that you are over weight. Don’t get mad at me because there are skinny women out there. It just adds insult to injury
  • We want more sex, yes, but not if you just lay there like an inflateable adult doll. We want to make love to you and have you want it and enjoy it (often and a lot respectively). Oral sex: learn how to do it, and do it often. It’s important that we’re not the only one going down (and we LOVE to go down on you) Respect: Don’t speak to us like you do the kids (even if we’re behaving or acting like the kids. After all they are our offspring). Your respect and conversely your disrespect cuts to the core of who we are as men and husbands. Do treat us with respect. Don’t disparage and disrespect us if you expect us to lead from our soul.
  • We need to be affirmed regularly. We want to be wanted. We want touch.
  • Men take hints only when applied with a sledgehammer. In other words, we don’t get hints, speak plainly to us. If you spend more time on Facebook, Candy Crush, Kindle, etc. than you do with us, we get frustrated. We understand that you need a break, so some time is okay, but it’s important that we spend time together as well. Men assume that our wives are always telling us the truth, so if we ask if something is bothering them and they say “no”, we believe them. We aren’t likely to figure out that something was bothering them or how to get them to tell us. I want to spend time with my wife. I want her to do the things that I enjoy doing, or even to do things that she enjoys doing. I’d rather do either than spend time with anyone else, but I will spend tme with others (friends, family, etc.) if she doesn’t want to do anything. I find her sexy, I’m attracted to her. I’m drawn to her like a bee to a flower. It doens’t matter what she wears, how much she weighs, whether she’s wearing makeup or has her hair styled. I won’t listen to anyone put her down, including herself. We only have limited resources and that includes time and energy. It is okay (and probably important) to say no to at least half of the time and energy draining requests that come your way. I understand that there are some things that may never get off of the ground without her help, but it still isn’t worth her being exhausted and burned out because she always steps up. There are others who can and will if my wife doesn’t, and if they don’t, then perhaps it really isn’t that big of a deal to the rest of them if the play, mother’s group, girl scout trip, soccer team, cookie booth, sunday school, factory tour, etc. doesn’t happen. Our young children don’t need ten choices on every topic. They can’t handle that many. Most of the time we should decide for them and use that as an example for what is good in their lives. They need to show responsibility before being given freedom to choose most things for themselves. Our daughter needs to remain innocent for as long as we can manage it. She doesn’t need exposure to sexiness, nor does she need to dress like an adult. Soon enough that will happen anyway, but if she understands self respect and beauty/pretty instead of sexy, she will have better relationships of her own. Our son needs to remain innocent for as long as we can manage it. He doesnt’ need exposure to sex, nor does he need to wear what is popular or stylish today. He needs to learn that a classic look will lead to respect from others (especially teachers and other adults), better job opportunities, better relationships, etc. Soon enough he’ll see what is in the world, but he’ll also see that we don’t live like the world and if he understands self respect, he’ll have a better future. God is important and that means more than just faith. It means going to church. It means having meaningful relationship with believers. It means living our lives like God is important.
  • Your physical appearance matters… a lot. Letting yourself “go” sort of violates 1 Cor 7:4. Ditto for me. Yet you’ve made it abundantly clear that matters of your “appearance” are never to be discussed… Aside from you gaining weight how do I say, “you are getting fat, and I don’t like it”? And, when are you/we going to do something about it?
  • How important frequent, healthy sexual intimacy is for a husband. It is a primary way many of us feel loved and valued. There is not something wrong with a husband for desiring sex with his wife.
  • Submit Have sex and enjoy it Don’t work outside the home Prioritize your time, energy and activities to reflect what is important to you Pick your friends better. Spend time those that lift up our marriage and Christ
  • Disagree in private only. Sex is how we know you love us and care for our wants and needs. We cannot read thoughts or hints. If you want something, speak it clearly, with eye contact. If you want the truth always, don’t cry at the drop of a hat. We will instinctively hold back. We have interests that might seem dumb to you. Ridicule these things if you want to emasculate us. Get into them YOURSELF if you really want to bond.
  • Realize that if your husband acts like all he thinks about is sex, it is probably because it is. Or real close. And if all he thinks about is sex with you, don’t make him feel guilty. Guys get married thinking they can have sex whenever they want to with this girl they asked to marry them. Why should they feel guilty about that? Don’t tell your husband to help around the house more if he wants more sex. Its not true. I fight everyday the battle of giving up hope that she will understand me versus realizing that having that attitude actually turns her off and makes things worse. After a while, I realized that one of these statements is true and none of them is good. -She knows how much I want sex with her and doesn’t care. -She doesn’t think the need for sex is as bad as I have made it out to be. -She knows how much I want it, but is so unattracted that she makes up excuses for why she doesn’t want it as much. Last but not least, if we have sex today….I will want to again before you do probably. Maybe even an hour later. But in my mind, there is no time limit for wanting to have sex with my own wife.
  • Men are not the enemy. Even though you might think poorly about yourself, your man most likely worships the ground you walk on. Don’t think that any negative statements are about you personally. They most likely are not. Don’t allow your self-image projections to taint his data-driven communications. When a man says “foo”, he means “foo”. He doesn’t mean “foo, then bar, and maybe some baz”. He means “foo”, only “foo”, and nothing but the “foo”. If you have questions about “bar”, ask. Those are the voices in _your_ head. Learn to love the voices in your own head. If you can’t become friends with them, you won’t be able to filter them out. See :45 through 2:00 in https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qTKEBygQic0 . If you can’t catch the voices, sit them in their own chairs, and listen to them in concert with your partner, you will hear us talk, but then the voices will translate it, and you will believe what the voices tell you. You need to understand that they aren’t us. If you just acknowledge their existence, that’s a good start. My wife claims she doesn’t have any voices in her head, and I tell her, “You say that because they told you to say that.” Dr. Laura was right in _The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands_. Read this book once a month. I mean it. Read it one time a month. I read this book before I gave it to my wife to read, and there were many LOL moments where I was all, “If she would just believe and internalize this book…” From the first three quotes, attributed to men, in the introduction to _Proper Care_, “As a man, I can tell you our needs are simple. We want to be fed, we want our kids mothered, and we want lovin’.” — Vince “Men are only interested in two things: If I’m not horny, make me a sandwich.” — John “I am a thirty-seven-year-old man who has seen quite a bit in life, and I can offer this to your search for how to treat a man. We are men, not dumb-dumbs, psychics, or one bit unromantic. We need only clear communication, appreciation, honest love, and respect. This will be repaid by laying the moon and stars at your feet for your pleasure. There is no need to ‘work’ a man to get what you want. We live to take care of a wife, family, and home. Just remember that we are men, and know that our needs are simple but not to be ignored. A good man is hard to find, not to keep.” — Dan. Also from the “look inside” portion of _Proper Care_ on amazon.com. “Men are simple. They know it. Women have to learn it if they expect to be truly happy with their man.” Just because you can talk better than he can, it doesn’t mean you are smarter. Just because you have a biological advantage in the department of speech communications, that doesn’t mean you deserve more than 50% of the “air time”. You talk your 50%, and let him talk for 20%, and then let his other 30% be spent how he wants to. It will probably be spent in silence. Men have a biological advantage in size. Women have a biological advantage in speech communication. There is no debating this point. It is as true as 2+2=4. When women use their biological advantage in an improper manner over men, it is just as immoral as when a man uses his biological advantage over a woman. In our family, my wife and I don’t settle our disagreements with arm wrestling or boxing matches. In many families, the woman believes that she should verbally arm wrestle with her husband, and since she wins this (rigged) contest, she’s right and should prevail. That is not true. When my wife and I are having physical “feats of strength”, I (the stronger) have a moral requirement to take care to not injure her physically. When we are having verbal communications “feats of strength”, she (the stronger) has the _exact_ same moral requirement to take care to not injure me. Male biological advantage, when improperly used, creates marks that are visible on the outside of the body, and men are rightfully held accountable for their lack of self control. Female biological advantage, when improperly used, creates marks that are not visible. They are no less real, and no less hurtful. Dear Women, Proverbs 21:9 – “It is better to live in a corner of the housetop than in a house shared with a quarrelsome wife.” This isn’t sarcasm. This isn’t a stereotype. This is a statement of fact. This is saying that there’s a better place than hanging with any wife when she is quarrelsome. Why is this? Now to get existential on you. Did one plus one equal two before anyone wrote it down? Of course it did. Math exists, and we discover the truths that it holds. The same goes for this saying. This saying is simply like saying, “The earth is the third planet from the sun, and it rotates around the sun in an elliptical orbit.” This isn’t saying, “Some men would rather go to their man cave than hang out with their wife when she’s being that way.” This is a truth that was discovered, and then written down. This isn’t a parable. This isn’t a “truth to live by”. This is a statement of fact, just like the admonitions about what happens when you go hang out with whores earlier in the book of Proverbs. This is saying, “Men, when she’s being that way, there’s a better place to go. You don’t _have_ to stay there.” Why does this one plus one equal two? Men buy houses for their women, they build man caves for themselves. Women, why do _you_ think that man caves exist? For one reason. And it ain’t because husbands love spending time with their wives. Show me a well appointed game room, man cave, gaming computer, and I will show you a quarrelsome wife. One day, a guy went to the pub and said to the other guys, “Oh, man, I figured something out. I put a bunch of guy things in a room, or the garage, and my wife doesn’t want to go there. She puts it down and calls it my ‘man cave’, but boy, it sure is nice to get out there get away from her.” When men say that their wife just yaps away all the time, they don’t mean that she talks a lot. They mean that she never thinks before she speaks. When he brings forward a thought or an idea, she thinks that her job is to shoot it down. Women, you don’t get points for proving something wrong. That is not how you bring value to a partnership. You bring value by finding the rightness of a situation and helping move that ball further down the field. Yap yap dogs aren’t called yap yap dogs for the noise. They are yap yap dogs because they fail to properly assess the situation (is this person a danger?) and then react appropriately. They yap yap before they think think. I did keep it short. :-)
  • 1. That my interest in sex is normal and just as important as your interest in companionship or other things you say are important to you. Marriage is the promise of a frequent, varied, happy, fun, and playful sexual relationship. If you enter into marriage and are not willing to do that, you are a thief and a fraud. 1 Corinthians 7 is the Christian standard for sex in marriage.
  • Recieving oral sex from them is more important than they believe or we communicate to them. We love them despite any and all faults. We desire them. They are not “too much” for us.
  • To stop comparing your beauty to public perception. When I tell my wife that she is beautiful to me beyond all imagination and that she ignites every spark of sexual desire within me I don’t want to hear how she thinks that she is too fat, short, wrinkled, etc. She turns me on in every imaginable way and I tell her that at every opportunity. I want her to take me at my word. When she doesn’t, it makes me wonder if she considers my same flaws in her opinion of me.
  • Sex is important Respect is more impportant than sex We get beat up all day at work. Feeling appreciated at home is amazing.
  • As a man/male I want regular, good sex. That doesn’t mean that’s all you are worth to me is sex. I work hard to help you realize that I love you for many reasons. But don’t put me to the impossible task of becoming non-male. In other words, any woman who is married or gets married, should expect that her husband wants regular, good sex.
  • Oral sex isn’t a part of our relationship. I’d like for it to be, but my wife has no interest (giving or receiving). What’s a good way to address this? Everytime I come home when the kids are asleep (or out of the house), I have a small hope that I’ll be surprised by wife with a creative sexy idea for the evening. It hasn’t happened yet.
  • I cannot be the leader you want me to be if you are not willing to follow. You cannot follow me on “most” things yet refuse to follow in others. You cannot demand that I drive our metaphorical bus while constantly grabbing the wheel yourself You cannot blame me for where we end up when you fight me every step of the way. Biblical submission is not subservience or a slave/master relationship. It is the willful deferral of one’s preferences and desires to the guidance and shepherding of another. In a word it is trusting someone else, lock stock and barrel. When we married we each gave up our right to ourselves. Everything you withhold, or expect me to ask for, is a failure on your part to honor the marriage covenant. The idea that I must forever pursue means that I will forever strive to meet your needs. It does not mean that I must perpetually ask for that which by covenant should be freely given. If I must continually ask for such things, whether it be sex, respect, emotional intimacy or anything else, then you have chosen to ignore your pledge. When you make me ask for such things that you, by covenant agreed to give me, you are telling me I am selfish. You are also declaring that you will not honor God’s marriage. Our obligation to our covenant is not predicated on whether the other party is upholding their end of the agreement. Indeed, our obligation is multiplied when the other party fails. When you tell me I am on my own, whether through deed or word, you are telling me we have never been married. I have not given up, I am still here trying to make this work according to God’s plan for marriage. You are the one who has abandoned the marriage.
  • I love you! Despite what you think, you remain beautiful in my eyes. I wish we were virgins when we got married, it would have made our sex life a lot simpler. There will be a time after kids.
  • why do you use sex to punish me by saying not now?
  • How much it hurts to be turned down for sex She needs to look deeper inside her heart to see if she really is a gatekeeper of sex, even if she thinks she is not How her disappointment in me, which has grown so large over the years, shows through her attitudes and actions, and how much it hurts and affects my behavior
  • If wives want to see changes in their husband just tie positive change to sex,reward us !
  • – Balancing ‘Nice Guy’ with ‘Autocrat’ is hard – especially in a ‘storm’. – We aren’t ALWAYS thinking about sex – (but usually!) – We are task-focused – except when we’re not.
  • I know that with the responsibilities of being a man with a wife and kids puts me at the low spot on the totem pole and I am perfectly fine with that but don’t you just make that my spot or take advantage of my willingness to be selfless Although I am a big dumb man I do have feelings, needs and cannot be manipulated by sex (most of the time) Be sexy for me Take a moment to consider my advice when I give it. I don’t talk just to hear myself. It comes from experience, mistakes, and my desire to help you
  • Her sexuality will change as she ages. (Previously being aroused before sex starts, but now not). Sex is more than a physical thing to men. Try to identify the changes, and believe they will be maintained, that men are making to improve our marriages.
  • Two things I wish women knew: First is the sentence My kids are the most important thing to me. Thanks for the complement to the man you are supposedly married to for life! They have no idea how this rubs a man the wrong way; our egos get bruised. Frankly, the sentence really should be my Marriage / Husband is the most important to me; then she would be setting an example for how a marriage should be to her children. Then again maybe that is the the way she feels; then she should not be surprised when she finds herself a single mother because the husband started looking for some one to give him attention. In between the one above and the one below is this one; men have zero maternal instincts, we have no desire to nurse, little desire to nurture, in other wards we are not a mom. We go off to war or hunting, or splitting wood! It seems to me women just do not understand, we are genetically not a Mom. We can learn some things, but we will never be good at it. Second that men and women do not think / process information the same way. I know you are doing this now, keep driving it home. Mark Gungor does a skit on men and womens brains that I find hilarious and yet spot on. Jim VH
  • Respect their husbands and do not patronise them!
  • Initiate foreplay and sex much more often.. It is paramountly important for husbands to know you desire them.. That you deeply desire them… And don’t just say it.. Prove it…
  • Grace and forgiveness is always needed. Get rid of non-christian romance novels. Love and respect need to be mutual. If you are both Christian, the closer you both grow towards Christ, the closer you will grow towards each other.
  • When you need help with something, please ask. I’m not a mind reader. Please wear the nice PJ’s and lingerie to bed once in a while, not just sweats and t-shirts. After 22 years, could you try oral sex just once and see how it goes? There is no need to raise your voice to make a point. Please put away your iPad when you come to bed. Your hair looks great, your clothes look great on you and you still turn me on. Please believe that. Cuddling is great, but we should make love more often than once a month. I have difficulty making love to you when things have been going badly in our marriage. I really do mean it when I say dinner was great and thank you for it. Thank you for always speaking positively about me to your friends and mother. We appreciate the clean house, but it doesn’t have to be perfect. Lists are nice, but please make them suggestions instead of orders. I still want a long kiss goodnight, pecks are for my mom. Thanks for loving our children and thinking the best of them.
  • If a man is appreciated and willingly taken care of in the bedroom he will go beyond the extra mile for her. Work/Hobbies become more appealing when Nagging/Rejection rule the air. Other women become more appealing as well. The average good man truly desires his wife, but can’t handle rejection very well.
  • Importance of commitment to making mairage better, even when you don’t feel like the putting in the work on a day to day basis. Mothers have limited energy to go around, make sure they devote a proper amount to their husband, and not all to the kids/home, leaving little for their husbands. Love languages are really important, even when they don’t feel like speaking them. Make Love a Verb. Love is an action, not an intention, or a feeling. Intending to do something loving for your husband is “probably” worthless to him, he’d rather you “do” something that is loving (e.g. speek lvoe language) even if it’s small. A sexually satisfied husband can put much more energy into intimacy, especially sexual intimacy, than one who is starving, and just needs release. I think commitment is a big, difficult thing for women (and men of course), but men may have an easier time deciding what they need to do, doing it and sticking to it. At least my wife, knows what she wants to do (e.g. speaking a love language), but within days her “not feeling like it” overcomes her commitment and she doesn’t do it anymore. Encouragement to stick with a commitment that was made previously, even though they don’t feel like it, would be very beneficial. Comes down to the basics of doing what we should do rather than what we want to do. Choosing every day to “make love a verb” instead of sucoming to doing what feels easiest in the moment. Perhaps this means having a long term vision for marriage, and how our actions every day get us to our long term goals.
  • Show respect Be willing to keep sex a priority
  • We want to be wanted and pursued in a sexual manor. We’d like you to read about topics like sexual variety and bring ideas into the marriage bed. We want them to clearly understand that our desire for sexual intimacy several times / week is not ‘abnormal’.
  • Not having the “deer in the headlights” look every time I bring up something to discuss. Whether it is from finance to sex I get the look like I am from outer space and nothing I say will make any sense. There are things we would like to discuss even if you don’t feel like discussing them. Please don’t just dismiss us.
  • I wish you would make me feel like you value being intimate with me.
  • I can’t read your mind. If you really want me to lead, how can I recognize that when you are questioning me or simply not following? If you want intimacy, then why is it predominantly on your terms? Why don’t you want to do the same things we did when dating? This dinner and a movie is getting stale, why can’t we go to the go kart track, mini golf etc place, or to all those parks we visited, etc. You know, like we did when we first met? Why do you ask me to plan dates then not want to do the things I’ve planned?
  • With regard to sex, I wish you understood that my biggest turn on is knowing how much pleasure you are receiving, even if its from pleasuring me.
  • Unconditional Respect is essential. Sexual Desire is also essential. Sex without your desire to Give & Receive pleasure is only biological release at best but what lack of desire really says is that you are simply using a man for your agenda and you do not love him in your soul. There is *no way* a man can feel love if you do not Desire him. A man is *not* Jesus. He will make mistakes. Even so, God made him the head of the family and created woman to be his helpmate. Let your man be the leader. Think Captain & First Officer. Be your man’s Best Friend. Go with him (if he wants you to) flying, hiking, boating, fishing, camping, back packing, hunting, working on the car, golfing. Shut off the TV and go *live* with him. There is *always* some task to do at home. Schedule the important Play time both in and out of the bedroom. Yes, *schedule* time to make love if he is truly important to you and prepare yourself as a bride/banquet for him. This makes you Priceless!
  • Although not the most important, sex is important. Being valued for my opinion is important. I make mistakes every day.
  • We really do love how you look, no matter how your hair is, no matter what dress you wear. And when you ask us, “how do I look?” and we say “great, ” you don’t believe us, but it’s true! Just because we get an erection when cuddling or hugging doesn’t mean we automatically expect or want sex. So don’t feel pressured by the automatic pleasure response. Take heart that it means that we’re really into you and that you should take that as a compliment. Sometimes, we really like it when you take the initiative to unexpectedly rub or stimulate our manhood through our clothes when watching Tv or doing other normal activities. Makes us feel loved, desired and manly. And is great foreplay for us. Sometimes work and pressures at work leave us exhausted at the end of the day, and sometimes we’re just too tired for sex at night. But are usually up for it in the mornings if you are.
  • I just need encouragement and a desire for intimacy to get 100% out of me….I am not complicated.
  • You are amazing. And you are beautiful. And it’s a crying shame you don’t believe me when I tell you.
  • We men have a deep-seated, biological, God-given drive to provide and protect. Allow your husband to do that, and you will have a devoted, loving spouse.
  • We like affection too. Getting mad over the little things is no way to go through life. We love you even if we don’t always show it.
  • In the same way men need to listen to wives, women need to learn to listen to husbands. They mustn’t listen to us as they would their girlfriends. Participate in the problem solving. Ask us about work and listen to the non-relational stuff. My wife never asks about work anymore because she is bored with the details. But those technical details I wrestle with daily are the dragons I slay to provide for us. Also since men are less emotionally expressive, we don’t do body language well. I need my wife to listen to the words I say and stop trying to read between the lines. I value the insight that she gets from non-verbal listening but not when it comes at the expense of verbal listening. Often enough, she doesn’t get the point I am trying to make.
  • Her hubby wants her to initiate sex more often & be more active in lovemaking. her husband will find it harder to cope with life’s challenges & be less patient when he is denied sex for longer periods, more than a week. his ability to focus on daily difficulties & manage his stress level is compromised if he is thinking about sex with her but denied for too long. he will have a shorter fuse because he is pre-occupied with having you in close proximity but not able to be intimate. this may be especially true if the marriage relationship is very strong in all other areas (friendship, harmony, committment etc) but lack of regular sex is a continuing problem. her husband has made a HUGE committment in limiting his sexual life to her & her alone. it is a big big thing that she should recognize as being a lot more special & important than perhaps she can comprehend, especially if she is low or lower sex drive. He likely struggles with sexual thoughts about other women or is tempted by porn only when not having regular sex with dear wife. He wants to be your lover & friend BUT not your father. yes, he wants to help take care of you but he wants you to be an adult & his partner & equal in running the household & raising the family.
  • That our strong response to sexual images is hardwired, which means that we can be distracted by such imagery even if we don’t want to be. Some people (advertisers, pornographers) use that fact to manipulate/exploit men.
  • Men are horrible at reading minds Men are doers and if we knew what made our wives happy for any specific situation we’d do what made them happy and feel loved. When a man comes home from work he needs a little down time Men have a difficult time with disrespect especially if being put down in front of other’s Most of us guys are not great multitaskers I.e. having a conversation while watching tv or doing bills Sex is important to a man and if he’s not getting it at home his mind wonders You are not the only beautiful woman on this planet but you are the only one we want to be with
  • We need to be wanted. And yes sometimes that means physically too ;) We understand the need to talk about logistical/business items associated with running a household (schedules, projects, etc) and we enjoy that part of our lives; however, we need to be more than business partners and resident handy-men. We need to be your beloved.
  • We think you are beautiful, no matter what you believe about yourself We want YOU. Not just sex, sex with YOU!
  • a strong sex drive doesn’t make a guy weird, mean he’s obsessed with sex or perverted – it’s normal! a desire for affection and compliments from your wife doesn’t make a guy needy or weak – it’s normal! if I’m helping out a lot and getting the job done, stop worrying about if I do it exactly they same way she does! if you want me to be more proactive and lead the family to do fun, different things, stop shooting down every idea I have – it’s makes me less apt to keep trying!
  • We like clean. We are much more willing, dare I say eager, to have sex if you would shower and brush more often. Don’t get so comfortable in marriage that you neglect these hygiene items–it matters!!!
  • Sex isn’t just about the release. Don’t make me feel bad for wanting to have sexual intimacy with you. After all, I can’t have it with anyone else.
  • Tone of voice matters.
  • Be honest Set clear goal posts, what is and isn’t allowed or possible
  • I know you can tell me anything, and you like that, but when it’s ALL negative all the time, it really starts to eat at me. I try to be supportive, but it’s REALLY HARD to stay positive and supportive when it seems like you are always bitter and dissatisfied with the body you were given. Paul, this is regarding her health issues.
  • For me as a husband sex is so much more than physical. When we have great sex when I feel like you are eagerly participating and receiving awesome pleasure – it is the penical of life. I know your body is aging just as mine is, but you are more beautiful than when we married decades ago.
  • It hurts me when you make negative comments about how you look.
  • — Be more open to masturbation (1) for your husband, (2) as a way of increasing your own desire when you are together (especially when the wife is the low desire spouse). — Have sex EARLIER in the evening (even though kids are awake); after all, the older they get, the more difficult it is to stay awake longer than them. In addition, the later you stay up, the more likely you both will be too tired, not fully into it, and what could be a high quality experience could reduce to a quickie. — discern what a REAL “COME ON” is….. a light hand on the chest is not considered a “come on” by any husband. Be direct. –Practice being more verbal in sexual encounters. — Advice as how should wives support their husbands when they can’t sleep due to being the higher drive spouse (but the wife is not interested) — Intentional practices to foster greater sexual desire in the wife.
  • We love you! We’re not sex animals. Nothing is more exciting than your desire of me. Be open to more sexual frequency and variety.
  • Dffvvcc
  • Sex to us is like conversation to you
  • Presentation matters- just being sexually available is nice, but if your hearts not in it we know. And we want your heart. When the present is wrapped beautifully it means more. Send him selfies- he likes to see you. They don’t have to be sexually explicit. Just you being cute!
  • Understand that sex is a part of marriage like conversation or prayer, not the thing you only do when everything is alright. Don’t forget that just the same way you need to receive love, he has his own wants/desires particularly when it comes to sex. And that doesn’t make him weird!
  • I feel lonely in my marriage.
  • That we really do love them, it is just oftentimes we don’t speak it in their love language God wired us to desire them sexually, we are not perverted Satan is trying and will continue to try and destroy every marriage, all the time! We are not the enemy!
  • -Men want to feel desired too. -Enthusiasm is one of the most important things in the bedroom. -Oral sex is important, even if you aren’t 100% comfortable with it. Start somewhere and take baby steps,we will enjoy any effort your willing to make/allow. -Communicate in the bedroom. Give feedback we want you to enjoy it too. Lady parts are mysterious and not obvious, coach us. -Don’t hide your body from us. Even if your not perfect, your the only lady we are allowed to see naked. We need to see you that way often. Personally, jeans and topless is wonderful way to start and evening together. We will hold that image with us all night until we get back home!

{ 13 comments… read them below or add one }

Kramer Bantley December 19, 2014 at 8:18 pm

Pretty much sums it up. We want to be desired, touched and not feel like sex has to be earned by housework or only performed out of duty. Jump our bones, grab us, stop being prudish. Realize regular and passionate sex makes us try even harder to be good husbands, fathers, providers and more. You’ve tried anal play before, are husbands not allowed? Stop flaunting your bodies to everyone else then be a slouch at home. Stop saying how important foreplay and oral is yet refuse to do the same. Stop judging us for wanting to try new positions and toys. Stop rushing sex. We don’t expect wives to be porn stars but please be kinkier. Is a handjob or [oral sex] that hard to do every once in while when on your period?

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Melly March 16, 2015 at 4:38 am

Um sick article. VERY selfish. Very very selfish and self centered.

As if any wife can prevent some straying husband. ANY and all cheating is all on him regardless of how much sex a wife can give her man including a lot of fun variation. To ever put that responsibility of cheating prevention on a wife is an impossible task. Shame on these men.

How about these guys take the time to ASK their wives what their own needs are and help make the wives FEEL attractive and wanted too huh?!

These stupid childish sexual DEMANDS would be met with a cold shoulder if these men are not meeting their wives needs. It’s two way street little boys.

I’ve been married for 2 decades and do my best to meet my husbands needs but I’d never ever be responsible should he stray. Whatever his excuses drummed up in his head would be – is still on HIM and him alone. If he can’t be mature and grown enough to express his needs and hold this over her as some ridiculous sick threat, they can let the door hit their butt on the way out. I’d never stay married to any of these very highly immature men. smh

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Paul Byerly March 16, 2015 at 12:01 pm

This was not an article, but a list of comment from various men. Does it show the selfishness of some of them? Absolutely. It also shows the pain some suffer because of years of their wives being selfish. Focusing too much on either of those has the effect of giving the other a pass.
I agree cheating is always on the person who does it. However, most men AND WOMEN who cheat would not do so had their spouse done a half way decent job of meeting their needs. When I say needs I do not primarily mean sex. Adultery is not nearly as about sex as most of us want to think.
I agree it’s selfish to demand when you are not meeting your spouse’s needs. This goes both ways, and all to often it results in a game of “you go first”. I always say the more mature spouse goes first.
Paul Byerly recently posted…Your Dreams and Your MarriageMy Profile

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cyndi March 25, 2015 at 8:39 pm

Wow Melly! You totally missed the whole point of all of this. In my eyes, you’re the hella selfish one!!!! You saying that made you sound plain old idiotic! Men expressing their needs & wants to their wives is so healthy! If you don’t, or arn’t allowed to express your needs, like I imagine you poor husband can’t, then you will never get what you need. Kinda the whole point of communication. Works both ways. It blows my mind you think this “artical” is just to give men a platform to be selfish. SMH I guess you would be considered one of the women they were all upset with. You really should give your husband some good head & then read the Dr. Laura book that was referee to above!!! (I have been married for 19 years.)

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Lucy October 7, 2015 at 7:51 pm

You sound like one classy lady Cyndi. Did you notice all the contradictions in the list re wives’ appearance-we love the way you look regardless followed, in rapid succession, by pay attention when we tell you to lose weight/stop letting yourself go.

(From a young, fit married Christian)

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Paul Byerly October 7, 2015 at 9:16 pm

@Lucy – Of course the list from women for men also had some contradictions and selfishness. I see both as a human thing, not a male thing.
Paul Byerly recently posted…Introvert VacationMy Profile

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Martin Simiyu February 18, 2016 at 6:40 am

This is very enriching and true . will share with my wife.

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IntimacySeeker May 6, 2016 at 11:33 am

Not sure what brought me back to this post today, more than two years after it was shared. Upon re-reading the responses, I wondered what wives might hope to hear when husbands weighed in here. Some thoughts:
You are so beautiful, I can’t stop thinking about you.
I admire the way you mother our children.
I am daily impressed with your resourcefulness and intelligence.
I appreciate the way you show respect to me in private and in public.
I value the contributions you make to our life together.
I adore you.
I love our life together.
Thank you for sharing the burden of financial provision for our family.
I thank God for giving you opportunities to use your gifts.
I marvel at how you pull a lovely meal together when I thought there was nothing to make for dinner.
I love the way you are always singing; ’tis a joy to be in your presence.
I pray for you daily.
I long to know you more deeply.
There is nothing you can do to make me unlove you!

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Paul Byerly May 9, 2016 at 7:28 am

@IntimacySeeker – Very nice! May I share this on the TGH blog?

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IntimacySeeker May 10, 2016 at 5:18 am

Of course.

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Brandon May 27, 2016 at 5:25 am

Thank you :)

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Alicia May 26, 2016 at 12:30 pm

I’m just now discovering a lot of these archives. This list makes me so sad. What is with women who gate-keep so much sexually? Yes, guys need to work to meet a woman’s needs too, but the staggering outcry of men for the physical that I read over and over on TMB and sites like One-Flesh Marriage makes my heart ache. My husband was married once before me, and this was a problem in his previous marriage. It makes me sad for couples that so many women are apparently not into sex with their husband. But then, I’m a high-drive woman, so maybe it’s me who doesn’t understand.

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Stevi3D May 27, 2016 at 3:15 am

I’m quite disturbed by this.

In a hundred and odd comments, only two or three are affirmations of love. (What do I want my wife to know? That I love her! Everything else can be sorted out.) There are twenty odd requests for ‘respect’, and almost all the rest – three quarters or so – want their wives to know that they want more or different sex. And use a public forum to do it! (Albeit, they were invited.)

It’s disturbing on two levels. By and large, I suppose this blog is read and used by fairly sensitive and emotionally articulate people who care about their marriages, so I find the quality of the response disappointing. Is this the best of us? Come on guys.

Secondly, men get married because they want sex (1 Cor 7). Maybe it’s not all they want, or not even the main thing that they want, but it is an established fact. How desperately sad that so many – the vast majority in this sample – are so frustrated and unhappy. This is to do with the ladies’ failure to understand their husbands at a fundamental level.

IntimacySeeker’s point is well made and beautifully put, but rather misses the point. It would have been nice to see responses more along those lines – but sadly they weren’t.

Let us confess our faults to one another, and pray for one another, that we may be healed.

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