In women, the ever-changing levels of hormones means sex drive/interest changes all the time. Given men doesn’t have a cycle, you might think his sex drive is far more regular.
This is not actually the case.
Men’s sex drive also varies. And while I can explain some of why that happens, I don’t understand it fully. There are times when I am unusually horny for no discernible reason and times when I’m less interested than usual for no discernible reason.
What we see and think during the day is a factor. But it’s a bit complicated. It’s like it gives us a short term boost that gradually drops off. So we might go from 50% to 90% and then over a few hours drop to 55%. If our wife is available and possibly willing when we hit 90% there is a good chance we will seek sex. But hours later the push for sex is not much more than it would have been if we’d not seen or thought whatever.
If we get multiple arousing things during a day that bumps our drive the end result will be a much higher desire as each one leaves us a bit more aroused. Porn use can do this, but that’s not the only thing. If you fondle him in the morning and make it clear there’s going to be wild sex tonight, he’s going to think about that off and on all day and come home at 130%. If you had great sex last night he will think of it all day and that will result in a higher drive than usual.
Non-sexual things can also push his interest up. Anything that makes him feel close and intimate to you is going to bump his drive. And these bumps don’t seem to drop off as much as more sexual bumps.
On the other side, tiredness, stress, sadness, busyness, depression and relationship problems can reduce his drive. And again, the effect stacks. This can mean he wakes up all about sex and then has no interest by bedtime. (If you hubby often says no at bedtime, try him first thing in the morning before life runs his drive into the ground!)
BTW, if you don’t see variances in his sex drive and he’s not young, it may be an indication he’s “not getting enough”. If he’s running at 100% all the time, you won’t see any spikes or dips.
~ Paul – I’m XY, and male sexuality is not a simple as you might think.
A post worth reading:
Still Drowning in Shame Over Your Past Promiscuity? | Intimacy in Marriage – It’s not God making you feel that way!
I mentioned life happening the other day, and one of you said, ‘There is very little marriage teaching dealing with the “life happens” situations’.
So a few words on that. “Life happens” is the things we don’t expect and can’t plan for. It’s the car dying on the freeway or an important meeting running longer than it was supposed to. On the more extreme end, it’s a parent who can no longer care for themselves or one of our children being hospitalised for weeks or months.
When life happens, our plans and routines get interrupted. If the event is significant, the interruptions can be extreme and long term. The danger is being so focused on whatever that we stop being a couple. Of course, things need to be done, but your marriage is a long term commitment and you can’t just sideline it for the duration. Okay, you can, but you shouldn’t!
If your marriage is good, your spouse will be a source of strength and comfort at these times. If your marriage is struggling it’s tempting to just ignore it till things calm down. But while this is easier, it’s a bad choice. You will get past whatever happened and find your marriage is in even worse shape. I’ve seen couples who were well on their way to resolving marriage problems lose all their hard-won ground because of life happening. And for some of those couples that resulted in divorce.
One common problem that occurs when life happens in a big way is the wife loses all interest in sex and the husband does not. If this happens to you my suggestion is to tell him the situation has shut you down sexually, but you realise he’s not the same way. Then either offer to do something for him when he says it’s getting bad, or encourage him to take care of himself. (Be aware the second option is not a good one for more than a couple of weeks.)
BTW, I went into the issue of caring for elder parents on TGH today. Check out When Life Happens II.
~ Paul – I’m XY, and I’ve had a lot of life happening the last six months!
A post worth reading:
How Sex Can Help Us Cope | Hot Holy & Humorous – Sex can be so much more than just an orgasm!
I regularly hear women complain about the time their husband spends out with his friends. I get it, really. If he just does things without any consideration of your life and schedule, that’s a problem.
Let me suggest a nonconfrontational fix.
Suggest to your husband he spend time with the guys, or whatever it is he does. Talk about when he will do it, and encourage him. This makes you part of the planning process, so at the very least you know when. If he’s not a total jerk, it also allows you to say “That day is bad for me, could you do it another day?”
You can also use the discussion to say “And BTW, I would really like to do ______ on ____.” Can we make that work?
~ Paul – I’m XY, and you both need time with your friends.
♥ Couples Question: What large item purchase would you like to save for?
A post worth reading:
Tell Others the Truth About Sex and Change Lives | Awaken Love – Yes, please!
I am sometimes accused of making sex way too important and not being concerned enough about other things. I think in part this is because Lori and I are both pushing back against a church culture that has made sex far less important than the Bible tells us it is.
The reality is there are many things each spouse needs in marriage. Not need as in will die without it, but need as in their love may die without it.
In a recent comment, I said, “I would have no problem telling a groom his (quality time) wife needs three date nights a month, for example. And warning him when it falls to two he has his priorities out of wack and needs to make some changes.“
If she needs that, then he needs to make it an extremely high priority. If money keeps them from doing as much as she needs, then he must find creative ways to give her what she needs. If he’s laid up in bed for a month, he needs to suggest ordering pizza and watching a couple of movies together. She has a legitimate need, and his love for her should compel him to find ways to meet that. If he does not, she won’t feel loved. And that’s on him, not her.
You could say sex instead of date nights in the above and it would be just as true. You could substitute a great many things, based on the needs of a spouse.
~ Paul – I’m XY, and real love can be costly at times. But it’s so worth it!
A post worth reading:
What About His Selfishness? | The Forgiven Wife – What do you do when hubbies selfishness puts you off sex?
A lot of men will go to extraordinary lengths to never appear weak. In part, this is because of how we are raised. In school, showing weakness will get you bullied.
But it’s more than that and many wives reinforce the idea.
I’ve seen women verbally eviscerate their husbands for seeming weak in some way. And I’ve heard many men tell me of this happening. She talks about how she wants him to be open and vulnerable, but God help him if in doing that he exposes fear, doubt, or weakness.
My best guess is this comes from women “needing” their husband to be strong. If he’s not strong they get scared. They expect him to be strong and have no idea who to deal with him when he shows any crack in his armour.
Regardless of why it happens, I assure you it only has to happen once or maybe twice for the man to get the hint. From then on he hides and pretends. He puts on a good face because he can’t take what happens to him when he doesn’t. And it need not be an open attack. If he expresses any fear or weakness and you get quiet or withdraw, he gets the message.
~ Paul – I’m XY, and according to some real men are never weak.
A post worth reading:
Has Modesty Killed Sex in Your Marriage? | Intimacy In Marriage – Julie has some wise words on this.
“It’s an unpopular opinion in the #marriage ministry world, but I don’t believe communication solves everything. Or even most things. Love in action solves things.” ~ @hotholyhumorous (See the full, well-done rant at What Does It Take To Change Your Marriage…and the World?)
I have to agree with that. I’m all for learning to communicate well, but I’ve seen some who think “good communication” is the solution to every marriage issue under the sun. Research-based expert Dr. Gottman says about two-thirds of marriage problems are unsolvable. If that’s the case, then endless talking about those things just means endless turmoil.
I suspect this is why some men withdraw from talking. It’s become obvious the words are not making things better and they are tired of going round and round.
As for love in action, yes!
~ Paul – I’m XY, and I find hugs a good choice when words aren’t working.
♥ Couples Question: What five things do you like that start with the letter “R”?
An Article Worth Reading: Can You Let Him Browse? | Awaken Love
Back in 2002, a radio DJ invented “Steak and BJ Day” as the male alternative to Valentine’s Day. The holiday is celebrated on March 14th.
Yeah, it’s mostly a joke. But if hubby makes an effort for you on February 14th, why not make a day for what he loves?
If steak and a BJ works for you, go for it. If not, make up your own special day for him.
~ Paul – I’m XY, and that picture is making me hungry!
I’ve discussed this over on TGH, but I can’t find a post about it here.
I’m all for understanding how God made you and who He made you to be. I’m also all for standing up to those who want you to be anything different than those things. HOWEVER, “It’s how God made me” and “It’s not how God made me” should never be used to excuse being rude, unloving, or hurtful.
The truth is a lot of what the Bible suggests, expects, and commands of us does not come naturally. We’re selfish and love, generosity and sacrifice don’t mix well with that. It’s not a matter of how God made us, but rather a matter of our fallen sinful self getting in the way of how He made us.
~ Paul – I’m XY, and I know God made to be far more loving than I usually manage to be.