The XY Code
Decoding the Male Mind
I’ve Moved!
If you wonder why you’ve not been seeing The XY Code, it’s because the blog has been closed.
But fear not, I am now blogging on Doing Marriage Well.
Doing Marriage Well is for both men and women. It’s a holistic look at marriage that is intended to help you find ways to make your unique relationship better. It is published Monday through Friday.
When you go to the new site, click on “blog” upper right to see the last week of posts. If you like what you see, you can sign up for emails at the top of the right column.
~ Paul – I’m XY, and I hope to see you there!
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Final Reflections: Understanding Your Husband for a Better Marriage
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And so it ends, with post number 1,784. I hope some of you have learned half as much as I have! I appreciate all the feedback, pushback, and support. You’ve been great! If you want to continue the journey with me, I start tomorrow, Saturday, at https://doingmarriagewell.com .
The image below is the one I used for my first post. It had the caption “It Begins”.
What I said on that first post is still relevant, so I will leave you with much the same:
The goal of this blog has been to explain to women what their husbands think and feel, and why they do what they do. However:
- This doesn’t mean his way is right.
- It doesn’t mean your way is wrong.
- Explaining in no way excuses or justifies any sin.
- Neither does it free him from the consequences of his choices.
What explaining can do:
- Equip you to reason with him.
- Make it easier for you to explain things in a way he will understand.
- Allow you to share your wants and needs more effectively.
- Give you opportunities to bless him.
- Make it more likely the two of you can work out problems.
In short, the better you understand him, the easier both of your lives should be. So I encourage you to keep trying to understand the man God gave you.
~ Paul – I’m XY, and still loving it.
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Decoding Gender Differences in Sexual Expression
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Today, I want to apply the idea that men and women are different to sex. I’m not going to talk about sex drive. Yes, most husbands want more than their wives, but the opposite is true for at least a quarter of couples.
I want to talk about how men and women think about sex. There’s a minefield of gender differences here.
How boys and young men learn about and talk about sex is very different from how it is for girls. Boys are all about the physical aspects of sex, body parts and sex acts. They long to experiment with a girl’s body. When they’re young, they have little interest in, or capacity for, romance and love. When a boy first learns the details of a sex act, he finds it exciting and desirable. Girls are far more reserved, and sometimes apprehensive.
This training carries over into adulthood and marriage. Men are far more comfortable with sexual words woman may find coarse or objectionable. Many men can bypass emotional connection and go straight to sex. When men talk about sex, it’s all about the physical, with little or no emotional or relational aspects mentioned. For them, sex is all about their penis and how to make it feel good.
Most men grow beyond this penis-centric sex focus. Many are well on their way to a healthier holistic view of sex by the time they marry. But that change may not show up in how they talk about sex. Old habits and patters may continue well after they no longer represent what is going on in his mind. He sees nothing wrong with how he talks about and asks for sex, not realising his words no longer express what he is feeling. And his ability to separate sex and emotion means he can easily have sex when you’ve not had time together this week, or are upset at each other.
I’m all for you working on how he talks about sex. But I suggest you start by getting past the words and understanding his heart. Is he really sexually selfish, just looking out for his penis? Or does he want sex to be great for both of you? Is sex just a physical act for him, or does he see sex with you as a wonderful part of your marriage that goes well beyond your bodies?
Don’t let how he learned to express his sexuality as a teen fool you. Find out what’s really going on in his mind.
~ Paul – I’m XY, and talking about sex can be difficult!
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Embracing Gender Differences for a Better Marriage
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As I wrap up my last week doing this blog, I want to impress a few things on you before I move on.
Today: Your husband is not a woman.
I realise you know that intellectually. But do you really grasp what that means for the two of you as a married couple?
Much of our world is confused about genders. We’re told men and women are basically the same beyond a few plumbing differences. THIS. IS. NOT. TRUE.
All the very real differences of our minds and bodies aside, growing up as a male makes you very different from growing up as a female. If you study him well for years, you will get it most of the time. But even then you will never be able to empathise with what he feels, or fully understand why he feels that way.
A lot of the marriage problems we see are either caused by, or made far worse by, gender differences that neither spouse understands. This is why I’m big on getting marriage help from a couple. And it’s why spending time with other couples is a good for your marriage.
It’s not always a factor, but when there are problems, considering that gender differences are part of the issue is always smart.
~ Paul – I’m XY, and I will never fully understand the woman I’ve loved for four decades!
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Unspoken Desires: How His Sexual Fears Play Out
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On Monday, I talked about how we tend to expect things from our spouse even when we’ve not shared our expectations. One big place men do this is with sex. And this can lead to frustration and hard feelings.
It helps to understand why men do this. Most men have fears about sex:
- Am I making it good for her?
- Do I want sex too often?
- Does she really enjoy it, or is she just going along because she is supposed to?
- Would she be offended by what I want?
Because of these fears, it’s common for men to ask for less sex than they want. Not just less in terms of quantity, but also what we ask for. And we downplay it when we ask for something new. We hint about something we’re dying to try and make it seem like it’s not a big deal. If we don’t get enthusiasm from our lady, we drop it.
Most guys are asking for what they think is acceptable, while wanting more. If such a guy gets everything he asks for, he still feels cheated because it’s not all he wants.
If you’d like to help him out, reach out. Ask him if he’s fully satisfied with how often you have sex, or if a bit more often would be better. Ask him what he’d like to try that you’re not doing. Listen for hedging, and nudge a bit deeper.
~ Paul – I’m XY, and sexual fear sucks!
NEW FEED: As I gear up to move to Doing Marriage Well, I’ve set up a Bluesky account that will run the blog posts and a few marriage positive “tweets” a day. @doingmarriagewell.bsky.social
If you want to follow by email, you can sign up upper right on Doing Marriage Well. You will receive the last week of posts from Lori.
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WBW: It’s OK for Him to be Different
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A couple of years ago, my lovely Lori wrote a post entitled It’s OK to Be Different. Living with me, Lori has seen more than her share of different. Either she has seen the value in different or has lost her mind. Perhaps both!
From where I stand, it seems women are more concerned than men are about being outside the norm. I certainly know plenty of exceptions on both sides, but it seems men are more comfortable being further from normal than women are. No doubt, some of this is because women take more grief than men do for being different. Men seem to get wider margins for both acceptable difference and admirable difference.
One of the ways I see this play out is wives trying to limit their husband’s level of different. Lori did this early in our marriage, mostly out of fear of what others would think. Fairly quickly, she decided “I was an adult” and could take care of myself. She also declared she was not responsible for me, or my actions. In short, she chose to not act like a mother to me. For my part, I tried not to go so far I embarrassed her.
Trying to limit or control your husband being difference is a trap. He will resent you for it, and you will resent him for not listening to you. He may also start treating you as his conscience or voice of reason, and this could free him from listening to his own reason. No one wins, and your marriage loses in multiple ways. Alternatively, you may keep him somewhat under control, which means he never sees how others would feel about his actions.
He’s a grown man, even if you don’t think he acts like one. I’m all for telling him what you need, and what offends or embarrasses you; but let him do what he wants and let him suffer any consequences. You’re not responsible for him, so let him be himself. You’ll both be happier in the long run.
~ Paul – I’m XY, and I gotta be me!
[This post first appeared Dec 01, 2014.]
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Unspoken Expectations in Marriage: When We Don’t Ask But Still Hope
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Just me stressing because I created a schedule in my head that my husband isn’t following, even though I never told him about it. ~ Seen on the Internet
Have you ever gotten stressed, or gotten mad at your husband, because he wasn’t doing something you never asked him to do?
I think sometimes we do this because we know what we want is unreasonable, or won’t be well received. But if we still expect it, we’re hurt when it doesn’t happen.
If you can’t let go of it, then you need to own it. Tell hubby, “I don’t think it’s reasonable, but I wish _______.” If he decides he can do it, great. If not, at least he knows what’s going on. And voicing it might help you let go of it.
~ Paul – I’m XY, and yeah, men do this too.
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