I know your life is crazy busy. But odds are your husband is in the same place.
How often do you consider his time constraints? And do you think about that in terms of who he is, rather than expecting him to be like you?
Next question, how much are you adding to his busyness? I’m not suggesting you should never ask him for things, but I do think we would all do well to be better at considering how our requests will impact other’s time.
One thing I see fairly often is a woman asking her husband to do something and saying “It will be easy” or “It won’t take long” when she has never done the job and has no idea what kind of time, physical effort, and mental energy it will take. I live on ten acres with my son, his brother in law, and four women. I’ve heard “It won’t take long” many times. And the three guys look at each other and just roll their eyes. Trying to explain it’s not that easy is a waste of time. Even worse, when we do whatever, the appreciation is for the effort she thinks it took, not the real cost to us.
~ Paul – I’m XY, and yes men do this to women… which doesn’t make it any better for any of us.
Recently a friend mentioned he’d spent half the day walking the mall with his wife. His tone and face made it clear this was something he did for her and would never do on his own.
I doubt his wife has any idea how much he is not into this activity. I know some men whine the whole time, but that’s not how this fellow is. He does it because he loves his wife and he doesn’t make a big deal about it.
This is more common than you may realise. Men go shopping, or watch sunsets, or watch movies, and do all manner of other things they would never do on their own. Some make a big deal about it, some do not.
Is it possible your husband is doing something for you out of love and you don’t even know it?
~ Paul – I’m XY, and I like watching sunsets way more than walking the mall!
♥ #CouplesQuestion: How do you introduce yourself?
Speaking of shopping:
I often see female sexuality explained by comparing and contrasting it to male sexuality. I do this myself over on The Generous Husband as I think it’s useful to use what men know as a starting place to explain what they do not. However, I dislike the idea of women think of their sexuality in terms of how it differs from men’s sexuality.
The problem with this kind of thinking is it makes men’s sexuality the norm. Then a woman is left thinking about how she is not the norm, as if her sexuality is broken or inferior. Over the years I’ve heard from a lot of women who think their sex drive or sexual response is broken or inferior, and aside from being dead wrong, it’s not helping anyone!
I could explain to you how male and female genitals grow from the same embryonic tissue, but if you look at what you’ve got and what your hubby’s got you won’t see many similarities. I think that should tell us your sexuality is different from his sexuality, and that the differences are because of how you were uniquely formed. Both of you are right and normal, while also being very different.
Adding to this problem is the fact that men often take the steering wheel on sex early in a relationship. Sex is easy for men, and usually they have a stronger drive, so his taking charge is no surprise. Unfortunately, it means the couple’s sex life is developed along lines that work well for a man, but not for a woman. This reduces her pleasure and increases her frustration while getting in the way of her learning how to enjoy sex as God intended her to.
If sex remains a problem in your marriage, maybe it’s time to ask hubby to “let you drive” for a while. Ask him to let you have the primary say in what and how, along with more of a say in when. Assure him this is not about having less sex, but about trying new things so sex gets better for you.
Even if sex is not a big problem area, you doing more of the driving on occasion could make it better for you.
~ Paul – I’m XY, and yeah I took the wheel when we got married.
Today’s post is all about celebrating outliers, those of us who are not the norm. I say “us” because I often find myself part of the minority or even the fringe minority.
Being different is difficult, especially when we were children and other kids picked on different. But different is often a good thing. Many (most?) of the world’s most important discoveries and inventions came from outliers. Likewise for great literature, music, and art.
For me, the real issue ties back to what I said on Monday about being who God made you to be. If He made you unusual in some way, or ways, then that is who He wants you to be. Being anyone else is falling short of the life He’s called you to!
So celebrate your differences. And celebrate the differences of your family and friends too. Let them know you’re happy for them to be who God intended them to be.
~ Paul – I’m XY, and I’m an outlier!
Who did God make you to be? Are you that person? Do you even know who that person would be?
I’ve seen multiple studies, along with articles from those who do palliative care, that all identify one huge common regret at the end of life: not being who you wanted to be.
We go through life trying to keep others happy and that prevents us from being who we know we should be. We also sideline who we know we should be because the time doesn’t seem right, or it’s scary, or we worry what others will think.
This is a horrible way to live and a sad way to die. But it’s bigger than just that. I think a lot of later in life divorces come down to one spouse thinking the only way they can be who they were supposed to be is to get a divorce.
If you’re married, then God wants you to stay married. But that doesn’t mean you can’t become the person He intended you to be. It will be a fight, but it’s worth the fight. If you decide it’s time to go for it, please start by telling your husband what’s going on. At the very least it will keep him from getting worried and he might step up and offer his support.
~ Paul – I’m XY, and I think you should be who God called you to be.
Resource: According to a study, this is the one thing you’ll most regret in life | woman & home
♥ #CouplesQuestion: You’re a photographer. How would you photograph your spouse?
Today I want to suggest you write some sexy stories about you and your husband and share them with him.
There are several reasons to do this:
That last one is huge and it could result in some great changes to your sex life.
The follow up to this is to ask him to write something for you. This will show you how he wants sex to be. If you really want to amp things up, ask him to read to you what he has written as a part of foreplay.
~ Paul – I’m XY, and I say go for it!
I have some friends I will call Jack and Jill in this post. Jack and Jill are a young couple with several children. What I love about them is how they encourage each other to live their lives to the fullest.
About a year ago Jill encouraged Jack to get involved in a martial arts program. They live a busy life and his doing this means he is away some evenings, rather than being home to help with the kids and the house (both of which he does well). It’s a sacrifice for her, but she felt this was something he needs and she fully supports him. That’s love in action!
~ Paul – I’m XY, and for more and Jack and Jill, see today’s Generous Husband post.
I talk a good deal about porn over on The Generous Husband, and often I get some fellow saying “What about romance novels?”
Often it seems like a “Don’t look at my sin, look at her sin” kind of thing or a way of downplaying his sin. However, the point is valid.
When I was 20 (in 1980!) I was in the breakroom at work. A co-worker in her forties had left a romance novel and I picked it up. I was shocked at the several page sexual encounter I saw, described in great detail. So yeah, some of that stuff is full on porn. There are no images, but they’re not needed because women are sexually affected more by ideas than pictures.
Other books are less blatantly sexual. Either the sex is hidden in euphemisms (“she felt the hardness of his thighs” or “he penetrated her to the centre of her being”) or it’s alluded to without being described.
What all of these books have in common are men who don’t act in ways real men act. In some the man is driven to an extreme state of lust, then he gladly backs off because the woman is not ready. The men show an unreal level of awareness of what the women want and what they’re thinking. They seem to be all about endless sacrificing and doing with nothing in return and they are all experts at being romantic. They are unreal men, a fantasy man that every woman wants but can never have because such men don’t exist. In short, they are like the fantasy woman of porn; they offer something that does not exist and in the process sow dissatisfaction with reality.
If you’re reading such books or doing the movie versions, please give it some prayerful consideration. Even if there is no sin being portrayed, are you being fed a false reality that makes you think badly about your husband?
~ Paul – I’m XY, and I had to put that book down before I embarrassed myself!
♥ #CouplesQuestion: What recent news story caught your attention? Why?