Male Sexuality: Not One-Size-Fits-All

I just published the results of a survey asking men and their wives about how his sexual function has changed with age.

What if fascinating about the results is they show that age is not nearly as big a factor as we might think. Yes, it has an effect, but in many areas, it’s a smaller factor than the differences in men of the same age.

Male Sexuality Isn’t One-Size-Fits-All

Men who could quickly climax again at age 25 still have less downtime than average at 50. The average maximum number of orgasms a man had in one day during the last year was very similar across all ages. Some men are limited to two at 25 and still limited to two at 50. Others could do five at age 25, and still can at age 50. 

Basically, his sexual function is particular to him. It will decline a bit with age, but not significantly unless there are problems. Young men are so sex hungry it’s hard to tell, but by about 25 a man settles into his grove and that’s where he will be from then on.

A few things from the survey you should know.

  1. After he climaxes, continued stimulation may be uncomfortable. About 4% of men said it was painful. About two-thirds of men under the age of 45 find continued stimulation uncomfortable. Several men commented this is less of a problem during intercourse than other sex acts.
  2. Post orgasm erections fade quickly. Two-thirds of men are too soft for intercourse in less than three minutes, and half of those won’t make it past a minute.
  3. Most women say sex is better now than when their hubby was 25. Most women who said it was way worse were age 45-54. (What does that mean?)
  4. He’d really like your help testing his limits. Several men commented their wife would not be up for finding out how many times he could climax in a day.

And, a couple of links to posts that fit this general idea:

~ Paul – I’m XY, and I’m’, unique!

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We Have Not Because We Ask Not

When I read Shaunti Feldhahn’s post 3 Reasons Your Wife Won’t Tell You Exactly What She Wants, it bothered me. I think Shaunti described something that is common for many women, and I think her advice to men living with such a woman was good. What made me upset is that women would do this to start with!

We Have Not Because We Ask Not

Men see this kind of thing as game playing. They find it dishonest. It’s lying, it’s manipulative. A woman who does this is not desirable, she is a pain in the butt, and if she takes it too far she’s just not worth the trouble.

Let me address the three points Shaunti made to the men:

Reason #1: If you make the effort to figure it out, it means she’s worth the effort.

I get this. The problem is sometimes it’s beyond a man’s ability to figure out what his wife wants. It seems clear to her, and all of her girlfriends get it, but he’s not a woman. I find women greatly overestimate a man’s ability to think like a woman. If she sets an impossible test and then feels hurt when he fails, who messed up?

Reason #2: If you figure it out and do something about it, it shows that you care.

This is great, except for that first word – “if”. If he doesn’t figure it out and she thinks he must have because it’s so clear, then she will assume his not doing what he doesn’t know to do means he doesn’t care. (And then when he figures out she’s upset and asks why, she won’t tell him.)

Reason #3: If she has to tell you, she’ll never know whether you did it because you wanted to, or simply because she told you to.

Sorry, but this sounds to me like justifying manipulation by saying you don’t want to manipulate! If he wants to bless you but doesn’t know how, he’s stuck. If you tell him how and he does it, you might not know why he did it. However, if he keeps doing it, then apparently he wants to do it. This one touches on a fear issue women face; if I tell him and he does nothing, what does that mean? I understand that, I know it hurts, but playing no-win games to limit the pain seems like a bad strategy to me. 

I hope that showing you how this looks from a man’s mind will help you handle it a bit differently. I suggest asking for what you want. The Bible is big on asking. We’re told we don’t have some things from God because we don’t ask. Given that God certainly knows what we want, that’s a pretty pointed scripture. 

And yes, this is being posted on Valentine’s for a reason!

~ Paul – I’m XY, and I had a girlfriend who played those games. And that’s part of why she never became my wife!

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Finding the Limits

We live half a dozen miles up a “primitive road”. That means no signs, no guard rails, and no pavement. I say “up” because the road starts by winding around the hill and going up 250 feet or so.

Depending on recent precipitation, temperature, and when it was last plowed, this road can be tricky or downright dangerous in the winter. We have several cars a year go off the side on the hill, and many more get stuck in the ditch or berm on the level but curvey section of the road.

On top of this, we live in a community (think commune without the pot or tie-dye) and I can end up in any of five vehicles.

Finding the Limits

As soon as I get out onto the road I push the vehicle I’m driving till I feel a bit of a slip. This allows me to know how the vehicle is going to handle the road’s current conditions. Knowing this helps me know how fast I can take the road and especially the downhill section.

If you were riding with me you might think I was trying to slide on the ice. I might seem reckless. However, this is not the case. I do my testing on a safe section of road, and I do it close enough to home that someone could drive up and pull us out if we got stuck. I choose to find the limits so I can avoid passing them when it might mean rolling down a snowy hillside.

Some of you are probably thinking “If you always assumed it was bad and drove slowly you’d be fine.” There is a problem with that. It hasn’t happened, yet, but I could find the road so bad I would decide to turn around and go back home. There are times here when it’s just not safe to drive regardless of your equipment or skill. By pushing to find the limits, I will know if it’s ever past what I consider safe for driving. If I just assume it’s bad I might find out it’s horrible halfway down the hill.

All of this is to say men are all about testing the limits, and sometimes they are actually doing something sane when they do that. 

~ Paul – I’m XY, and studded tires rock!

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Sex-Positive Christians

Many would consider the title of this post, Sex Positive Christians, to be an oxymoron. 


having or promoting an open, tolerant, or progressive attitude towards sex and sexuality.

In the world sex-positive means doing as many sexual things as possible, probably with as many individuals as possible. It certainly requires that you support the “right” of any adult to have any kind of consensual sex they want with any other adult – or adults.

Sex Positive Christians

It seems to me sex positive should be about making sex better. As a Christian I don’t see how advocating sin makes anything better. However, I know full well that the sex most couples are having falls way short of how great it could be. That is a major motivation for what Lori and I do; we want married couples to have awesome sex!

As with everything in our lives, the people we spend time with influences what we think about sex. If we grew up in the Church this likely means we have a less than positive view of sex. This is unfortunate. It’s also wrong because God is all about great sex in marriage.

Fortunately more and more Christians are realising that God is sex positive. If you know Christians like this, make a point of spending time with them. If you’re well grounded in this truth, be vocal about it!

Below are a few of my favourite sex-positive resources:

There are plenty of others. What I’ve listed here are resources that are primarily about sex and cover most aspects of sex.

~ Paul – I’m XY, and I’m a sex-positive Christian! 

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Seeing Through Different Eyes

Seeing Through Different Eyes

This is the image I used for Monday’s But You Could Die! post. What do you see in that picture? In particular, what do you see in relation to the opening lines of the post which talked about a father with small children going off hiking and getting injured and stuck in the middle of nowhere?

I often ask Lori for input on the images I use for this blog because as a woman she sees pictures differently than I see them. This image was one of three I asked her about for the post. We both felt this image was a good fit, but as we discussed it I found we felt it fit for very different reasons.

Lori saw the picture as a little boy wondering why his father has not come home. I saw it as little boy longing to be out there exploring the world. Same picture, two very different interpretations, with two different sets of emotions. Both views are valid, and we could easily see how the other saw what they saw. It’s also easy to see how our view was a natural result of our being male or female. 

I bring this up because this kind of thing happens all the time in marriage, and often we totally miss it. Had I not told Lori why I felt this image as so good for the post, she wouldn’t have countered with her different idea of why it was so good. I was seeing a man’s longing to go conquer the world while she was seeing how that longing can hurt his wife and kids. Both of those are true and valid, and for a marriage to be healthy both husband and wife need to acknowledge that both those things are valid. Then they must wrestle within themselves and together to find a balance that works for both of them.

Men and women aren’t the same, we’re fundamentally different. Beyond that, you and your husband have many differences that are not tied to your gender. The more aware you are of those differences, the better.

~ Paul – I’m XY, and the 1,000 words I find in a picture often differ from what my wife finds.

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