Sex Ain’t Fair!

Some men’s comments on a recent Generous Husband post reminded men how different sex is for men and women, and how most men don’t get that.

Most of you have no doubt figured out that arousal and orgasm are far easier for your husband than they are for you. While the degree of difference varies from one couple to another, this is almost universal for men and women.

It just isn’t fair!

Sex Ain't Fair!

What makes it harder is most men don’t begin to understand how much more difficult sex can be for women. Even worse, some men blame the woman, as if being frustrated or left hanging is somehow something they want.

I understand why men do this. It’s human nature to assume others are as we are. Sex is easy for us, so it should be easy for you. Unless he’s told otherwise, this is how it is. I do my best to tell men about this. If your husband isn’t reading my blog or some other source that will educate him about this, then it’s going to be up to you.

You’re Not Broken

First, let’s establish there is nothing wrong with you. God made you this way. I realise that’s frustrating and I’ve heard women say it has caused them to be at odds with God. I think God did this because He wanted sex to be more than two minutes of wild passion. If you both got aroused just because, and you both orgasmed quickly, sex would be easier, but it wouldn’t be nearly as much fun. And if you both functioned the way women do, sex would be fantastic when you did it – every few months. The mix of the two can be frustrating, but when you both figure it out you can have a really great sex life.

He’s Not Broken Either

If you make it sound like he’s broken, he’s not likely to listen. He is also as God made him. The goal is for the two of you learn how to make it work. That will mean both of you will have to move a bit from what seems easy or natural. Odds are he will have to do more of that than you, but let him figure that out as you go.

So tell him you’re frustrated because you’re not built to get horny as easily as he does, and reaching climax is more difficult for you than it is for him. Tell him you want to find ways to make sex better for you, and better for him along the way. Then start talking about foreplay and arousal. Teach him that both your body and your mind need to be aroused for good sex. 

If you can’t orgasm from intercourse alone, and that is the norm, let him know. Talk about your orgasm happening before or after intercourse, and ask him which he would prefer. You can also suggest trying a vibe between your bodies during face to face sex. A good way to suggest this is to tell him you have realised you will never come from intercourse alone, but you still want to try to orgasm during intercourse and you think this might do it.

Tell Him You Want It!

You will need to be totally honest about when you do and don’t want an orgasm. If you really don’t want or need an orgasm some of that time, that’s fine. Some women are this way. But other women want to come every time, and if that’s you then your hubby needs to know that. Regardless of which camp you’re in, you need to secure hubby’s help with giving you the pleasure and release you need when you need it. Make him your orgasm hero, fighting the dragons of distraction and worry so you can come. When it’s a difficult battle thank him for being your hero. 

I realise some men are more willing to work on this than others. As I’ve shown above how you approach him can help. If he just doesn’t care there are no great options. Personally, I’d be tempted to lie there next to him and take care of yourself while he’s trying to sleep, but I realise that’s an emotional minefield for you. I do think it’s fair to tell him that his not caring about your sexual needs is hurting how you feel about him and reducing your interest in sex. Maybe that moves him, maybe it doesn’t. At least it tells you where you stand.

~ Paul – I’m XY, and I’m saying no woman left behind!

Great Article: 4 Truths You Need to Know About Your Son and Visual Temptation This will both help you understand, and show you ways to help.  

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Why Boy’s Need Fathers

Our neighbours are doing a small addition to their house. A couple of days ago I watched as dad carried lumber and sheets of plywood past my window. On every trip, his four-year-old son was there “helping” him carry things. Of course, the child was really more in the way than help, but he was loving it and it’s good for him to play at “being a man” with dad.

While all children need a parent of both sexes, there are some important things kids need from their same-sex parent.

Boys need a man to invite them into manhood. This is about far more than what a parent knows because you can’t invite someone into something you’re not a part of it.

When boys are not invited into manhood they are far more prone to do stupid thing to try to prove to themselves and those around them that they are men. They decide having a penis makes them a man, and they look for places to put it. They decide consuming alcohol or ciggeretes makes them men. The decide the rush they get from doing dangerous things is manly, and they do increasingly dangerous things.

Your sons need dad time!

~ Paul – I’m XY, and I wish I’d had more of this growing up.

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Point-of-View

My wife has always been good about housecleaning (which was primarily her job in the past.) But before we moved into an RV the top of the fridge was always dusty and sometimes cluttered.

Then a couple of decades into our marriage I realised that being nine inches shorter than me, she could not see the top of the fridge!

A minor difference in perspective meant she didn’t ever see something I saw daily.

There are plenty of other point-of-view differences between us and our spouse. Some are gender-related, some are not. Consider a difference in sense of smell, being colour blind, nearsighted vs farsighted, or a difference in how well you both hear. Fairly minor differences can result in a significantly different perception of the world around us. Beyond the physical things, our past colours how we see things a great deal.

Next time you don’t see eye to eye, consider the practical reasons that might be the case.

~ Paul – I’m XY, and these days I do some of the cleaning.

Great Post: Check out Gary Thomas’ excellent post Sympathy or Empathy? A Key to Sexual Satisfaction in Marriage

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Sex Should Not Hurt!

Sex should not hurt, and if it does something needs to change.

That may sound obvious, but apparently, it’s not. A study done a couple of years ago found 30% of women experience pain during intercourse, and the majority don’t tell their partner about the pain.

Sex Should Not Hurt!

A bit of discomfort here and there is normal, but pain is not. Putting up with pain makes sex less enjoyable, and it makes you less willing to have sex in the future. It’s bad for you, and it’s bad for your sex life, and both of those make it bad for him.

The most common causes of pain are lack of lubrication and the man being too eager. Yes, your vagina is designed to accommodate him, but it can take a few seconds, especially if he is well endowed. Teach him to enter slowly and wait for a few seconds before he starts to move. His penis is far tougher than any of your bits, so you need to educate him about how delicate you are.

As for lube, most couples would do well to use it every time. No thinking or checking, just do it. Unless you never have a lack of lubrication a “just lube it” rule can eliminate problems. One good way to encourage the use of lube it for you to apply it to his penis, with far more stroking then necessary. Make this the last thing before penetration a few times and I bet he will be looking forward to it in no time! (Check out the wide range of lubricants over on Covenant Spice.)

One other thing, because I know it’s a common issue these days. Seventy-two percent of women say they experience pain during anal sex. As compared to pain from vagina intercourse it is more common, more likely to be moderate or severe, and the pain lasts for a longer period of time. There are a lot of folks out there who say “Done right it doesn’t hurt.” Be that as it may, the reality is most women find it painful. If it hurts you, tell him no.

~ Paul – I’m XY, and if she’s in pain I’m not enjoying it!

Resource

Pain experienced during vaginal and anal intercourse with other-sex partners: findings from a nationally representative probability study in the United States | PubMed

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On Sharing Life

I recently realised that a number of my marriage answers over on Quora included something about “sharing your life with someone you love.”

The older I get, the more I realise sharing my life with Lori makes it so much better. Our shared experiences are a huge part of our marriage relationship. Living life together is about as good as it gets.

On Sharing Life

The difficulty is actually doing things together. This is especially challenging during the child-rearing years. We get busy and mistake that for living life together. Then when the kids grow up and get their own lives mom and dad are practically strangers. This is probably why the year after the last child leaves home is a huge year for divorce. If you don’t fight to share life when life it crazy you will lose a great deal.

I’m posting about this over on The Generous Husband, but honestly, I think for most couples this is going to take a real effort from the woman. Men are less aware and initially less unhappy about distance in their marriage; by the time he initiates change, it’s probably pretty bad! If you see a loss of shared life, do something about it!

~ Paul – I’m XY, and I love sharing my life with my wife!

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Dad Is On My Side, Mom Isn’t

When I was 17 a friend and I decided it would be fun to spend part of our summer biking to the Texas coast – a ride of about 200 miles. We looked into which roads would be legal, and how we could camp along the way. We also started taking long rides whenever we could, together or separately, to build up our endurance. My mother was very much opposed to the trip, while my father was for it.

In the end, we didn’t make the trip because my friend went and got a summer job!

Dad Is On My Side, Mom Is Not

As an adult, I understand all the concerns my mother had. It was not a 100% safe idea, but we were doing a good job of making it safe enough that my father thought we would be okay. 

The difference between what my mother and father felt was an acceptable level of risk is something most young men hit up against if they grow up with both parents. I think the balance is a good thing for boys. A mother alone would restrain her sons too much, while a father alone might let them go too far. 

While this makes me see the wisdom of God’s plan, I didn’t see it that way back then. To me, it looked like dad trusted me and was on my side while mom didn’t and wasn’t.

If you have sons, this bit of information may be of some help to you. However, sons or not, please understand your husband may have grown up seeing mom as holding him back or doubting his abilities. If he transferred that to women in general, he may feel you doubt him or try to hold him back. He could feel this even if you have never done it, and if you have played into it at all it could be a major issue for him.

~ Paul – I’m XY, and not making that trip is one of the biggest regrets of my adolescence. 

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Be Blunt About Sex

If you want something sexual from your hubby, or you want sex to happen differently, you need to be blunt about it.

I’ve told you men are bad at hints in general, and it’s even worse when it comes to sex. Studies have found that single men greatly overestimate how interested in sex a date is. Other studies have shown most married men underestimate how much their wives want sex.

My guess is the first leads to the second. He slowly figures out much of what he sees as a hint, or an outright invitation, is not. Even if he doesn’t sleep around before marriage, once he is married he quickly realises much of what she does that he sees as a come-on is not that to her. If thinking she wants sex when she doesn’t causes problems, he will quickly decide to play it safe and ignore anything other than a clear offer or an unmistakable flirtation.

Beyond just getting him to have sex, blunt is also the way to deal with sexual problems. If he leaves you hanging, let him know you want and need to climax. If you say nothing he can assume you’re okay because if you tried to stop before he was done he would be very fast to protest. Likewise, if he is too rough, or is not touching the right place, or is doing something that doesn’t make you feel good. Because society says men are supposed to know all about sex most guys will fake it, and the odds of that being what you want are close to zero. Be loving and gentle, but be very clear about what you want and how you want it. Also be clear about what you don’t want and what is doing nothing for you. If all else fails, show him how to do it.

~ Paul – I’m XY, and I like blunt!

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Are You Careful Enough With His Feelings?

I just spent about 70 hours with 180 some odd men (some very odd) who were trying to figure out who they are.

Are You Careful Enough With His Feelings?

I was amazed, as I always am, at how metaphorically naked many of these men got. I heard painful confessions of sin. I saw men cry as they talked about the mistakes they had made that killed or deeply wounded their marriage. I heard men with hearts breaking for a child who is struggling. It was far from touchy-feely by female standards, but it was honest and raw and largely without pretence or excuse.

Most of you will never see a man, including your husband, be this vulnerable. Part of that is his need to look tough in front of you, and part of it is his fear that you will use any weakness he exposes against him. Some women will intentionally use such things against their husband, while most do it unintentionally. We find it difficult to express deep emotions, and your relative ease at doing so makes you seem unsafe. Your ability to deal with emotions makes it seem you don’t take them as seriously, or don’t appreciate how personal those things feel to him.

So, if he does open up, even a little, realise doing that makes him feel far more vulnerable than you would feel doing the same thing. Handle his emotions, and his self-exploration, with great care and privacy. If he feels you have violated him he probably won’t expose himself again.

~ Paul – I’m XY, and as open as I may seem, I feel this one.

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