The XY Code
Decoding the Male Mind
WBW: Navigating Gender Issues in A Christian Marriage
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Gender issues are a huge battle in the church today. And a battle in most marriages, even if a couple isn’t dealing with it openly. The problem is our varied ideas about “how women are” and “how they should be”. Many women feel they have been put in a box, and are expected to stay there. More and more women are questioning the validity of their box, which can cause all manner of turmoil.
I moved from one of the most “progressive” cities in the US to a conservative farming community, so I’ve seen a wide array of how folks live out gender issues in marriage. I’ve heard a variety of thoughts, from both men and women. Most folks have passionate opinions, and most have found a way to support their opinion with a bit of Bible. Fewer seem to have gone to the Bible to see what it actually says.
I have no desire to argue these issues here. Debates on these issues generate many comments, but never seem to change anyone’s mind.
What I really want is for you and your husband to agree on these issues. If you’re both on the same page, your marriage will benefit. If not, you will struggle. As hard as it is for me to say, I have found agreeing is more important than what you think. As long as you both freely think what you agree on, being of one mind will be a good thing for both of you. Major disagreements about these things cripple and kill marriages. It starts out minor, and then gets worse and worse as the years go by. All too often, things are beyond hope before the couple openly discusses their views on men and women.
If you haven’t hashed this out in your marriage, I urge you to do so. Be as loving as possible, and give huge amounts of grace. Your beliefs are deeply rooted, as are his. Odds are, much of what you each believe has never been subjected to thoughtful examination. These things tend to be more emotion based than logic based, and challenging them feels like a personal attack. Examining these issues takes courage, and changing them takes time.
Your husband may well be happy with how things are now. Or at the very least, he’s probably comfortable with things as they are. Your desire to rethink these issues is rocking the boat; there is no way around that. Sometimes rocking the boat is necessary, but even then, it’s unsettling.
Neither you nor your husband have this all figured out. You both have wrong ideas and misunderstandings. If you can wrestle with these issues in a loving and grace-filled way, you will both learn and grow. You may both be surprised by what God shows you. It is not an easy journey, but the destination is a wonderful place to live.
~ Paul – I’m XY, and my views on women have changed significantly over the years.
[This post first appeared Oct 13, 2014.]
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When Spouses Talk Past Each Other
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It’s been interesting in the comments recently, as I felt a couple of us were talking past each other. I say that not as an accusation but a confession.
It’s common for husband and wife to do this. They are talking about the same issue, but they are both trying to make a different point about it. And neither is hearing, much less acknowledging the other’s point.
While I’ve known women who are bad about this, I suspect men as a group are worse about it. Because of aggression and competition, we’re all about proving we’re right. Acknowledging another point, even if it’s not contrary to our point, feels like giving ground.
If you become aware this is happening with your husband, address it directly. Say something like, “I feel you are so intent on proving your point that you are not considering mine. And I may be doing the same thing. Let’s look at both points separately. Do you want to go first, or do you want me to go first?” Or just offer to let him go first, as he likely will be more able to listen to you when he’s not thinking about how he is going to prove his point.
~ Paul – I’m XY, and difficult communication can be.
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Overcoming Mental and Emotional Barriers to Great Sex
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I’ve gone back and forth with myself about doing a follow-up on last week’s Great Sex in Marriage post. I don’t think I made my point well, so I will take another shot at it.
Several women suggested I was overlooking the many things that can mess with a woman’s sexuality. While I didn’t address menstruation, PMS, pregnancy, post-partum, nursing, or menopause, I am as aware of these as any man can be. I watched Lori go through all of those, plus a hysterectomy. I’ve done a lot of reading about these things for decades, and Lori and I have discussed them with many women and couples. There’s an almost endless list of things that can mess with sex, and yes, more of them affect women than men. But none of this is really relevant to the point I was trying to make.
I am convinced our sexuality is far more about what is happening between our ears than what is or is not happening between our legs.
I see far more sexual limits because of what people think or feel than because of physical limits. And when it is the body, how a person feels about sex often keeps them from finding a solution. It’s incredibly rare for a couple to face a physical issue that makes it impossible for them to have mutually enjoyable and satisfying sex. That includes men who can’t get a hint of an erection, and men and women who feel nothing below the waist because of an injury.
I wonder is some don’t feel they deserve a great sex life. They want it, and may not see it as wrong to want or have it. But when it’s not working, they won’t pursue a solution as hard as they would for other things. A willingness to accept some problem as the end of our sex life shows how we really feel about sex. An unwillingness to get medical help for sexual issues is another indication of how we feel.
This is why I spend a lot of time attacking wrong attitudes and lies about sex. It’s why I go after ungodly theology that makes sex anything other than a wonderful gift God expected couples to enjoy for their entire marriage. And it’s why I see physical challenges as things to overcome, not a reason to have less sex.
Do you believe God intended you to enjoy sex a great deal? If so, what are you doing to make that a reality in your marriage?
~ Paul – I’m XY, and I think great sex is primarily a choice
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WBW: 5 Things I Wish Someone had told my Wife about Male Sexuality
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Over on One Flesh Marriage, our friend Kate did a great post entitled 5 Things I Wish Someone had told me about Sex. It was such a great idea, I’m stealing it. My Generous Husband post for tomorrow will be 5 Things I Wish Someone had told me about Female Sexuality. Along the same lines, here are things I wish my wife had known about male sexuality before we married.
- Erections are not a barometer: An erection doesn’t mean a man wants sex. And, not having an erection doesn’t mean a man is uninterested in sex. How fast a man gets an erection in any situation depends on his physical state (how tired he is, how hard he has worked physically) and his mental state (both his relationship with you and his day in general.) These same things also affect how hard he gets. His mind and body are not always in sync sexually, kind of like your mind and body.
- Enough is not always enough: Men tend to think of “enough sex” in terms of quieting the physical demand. He may think if you take care of his physical need, it’s unfair to ask for any more. I’ll let you in on a secret: the best sex a man has is sex he did not “need” physically.
- Wanting to try something different is not a complaint: The fact he can think up new ways to enjoy sex with you says nothing about what you currently do. When you enjoy something, you want more of the same, and you want to try new ways.
- Sometimes it does have a mind of its own: From before he had any idea what sex was, his penis has caused him problems. It got hard for no reason, and then didn’t not go back to normal fast enough. When he hit puberty, this became a huge issue, as it happened far more often and in public. His penis can also refuse to become hard when he wants an erection. Sometimes he climaxes very rapidly, for no apparent reason, and other times it takes longer than he thinks it should. I realise these things seem minor given all the ways your body betrays you, but to your husband these are a big deal and potentially rather embarrassing.
- Men are visual: You have heard this, but do you really understand it? He wants to see you naked. Not just without clothes, fully naked and exposed. He wants to see and explore your most sexual parts. Sex in the dark is far less enjoyable for him than sex in the light, and if he never sees you naked, he won’t be sexually satisfied no matter how often you have sex with him. If you really understand this, and understand how hot he thinks you are, you can rock his world.
Feel free to join the comments on Saturday’s TGH post and tell men what you think they need to know about female sexuality. This link will take you there.
~ Paul – I’m XY, and I was so clueless about female sexuality when I got married.
[This post first appeared Oct 10, 2014.]
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How Marital Support Prevents and Heals Sin
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…love covers a multitude of sins. ~ Peter 4:8b ESV
I have recently realised this verse can be applied a few other ways in marriage. When Lori or I are feeling short or upset, the love of the other helps to cover for that.
For example: In the past, when I made a phone call to deal with insurance or some tech issue, Lori often said “Be nice”. It was a fair comment, as I could get pretty aggressive. And if I was already upset, I might do that out of the gate. Which isn’t kind to the other person, and is actually counterproductive. So she didn’t just cover sin, she helped prevent it.
I’ve gotten a lot better about this, which is in large part due to her gentle nudging. Another way her love covers my sin.
~ Paul – I’m XY, and I do the same for her, just less often.
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Great Sex in Marriage: A Christian Perspective
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Over on Quora, a fellow said women having mind-blowing orgasms should be the norm. I didn’t agree with his suggestions to make that happen, but I agree with his opening claim.
I’m a Christian. I believe how or bodies work is a result of how God built us. And when I study sex, which I have done for five decades, it’s abundantly clear that God created women to have great sex. If you set aside culture and look at just the biology of it, women should be more about sex than men, and they certainly should be having better sex than men.
So why is our reality not nearly so sex positive for women? Because we live in a world full of sin and selfishness. And sadly, there is another reason. Many of us are steeped in non-biblical and ungodly lies about sex.
The truth is, God wants you to have a great marriage complete with a fantastic sex life. Believing that truth won’t instantly change things, but it’s a great step in the right direction. Beyond that, teaching your son’s and daughters this truth can help them avoid many of the frustrations and let-downs you’ve had about sex.
~ Paul – I’m XY, and I want better for us!
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WBW: Sending Your Husband Away Can Strengthen Your Marriage
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Tell your husband to leave.
For the weekend, a few days, or the evening.
I bring this up because I will be spending some time this weekend sitting around a fire pit with other men. I will be sharing my thoughts, feelings, and faith with friends old and new. I will be stretched and challenged, and I will come back home a better man, a better husband, and a better servant.
I have talked several times about men’s need to spend time with other men. As much as he loves you, your husband has needs you can’t meet; just as he can’t meet all your needs. His walk with the Lord requires him having time with other men of faith. To be the best husband he can be, he must spend time with other men who are learning to love their wives. Being a better father requires him spending time with other fathers.
An organised “religious” event is one option, but a hunting trip or a guy’s movie night are also great ways for him to get the male fellowship he requires. Be proactive about him getting out with the boys; it will be good for both of you.
(And yes, you need time with other women just as much.)
~ Paul – I’m XY, and I need other men.
[This post first appeared Oct 8, 2014.]
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Assessing and Managing Personal and Marriage Stress
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The intake form Lori and I get for the folks we are coaching asks each individual to rate both their personal stress and their marriage stress on a scale of 1 to 10. It’s a great tool for us when we start with a new couple. It would also be a great tool for any individual to use to see where they need to do some work or make some changes.
Separating personal and marriage stress can be tricky, but if you think about it, you can do it. The next step is to try to figure out the sources of your stress. What is beyond your control? What isn’t? Is some of it situational, and will it be gone in time?
If your personal stress is high, you can assume that is pushing up marriage stress for both you and your husband. If your personal stress is high and your marriage stress is not, that is a good indication your husband might be able to help you. If personal stress is low and marriage stress is high, you are in a good place to work on your marriage. If both are high, you may need to get some third party help.
~ Paul – I’m XY, and stress is no fun
The Aldrich Ministries Coaching Network would a great place to get some help.
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