Being Reasonable To Unreasonable People

I titled this being reasonable to unreasonable people, but given we talk about marriage here it’s mostly about being reasonable when your husband is unreasonable.

Every guy is unreasonable at times (likewise for women, of course), but occasional unreasonableness is not usually a problem. The problem is when a husband acts like he’s getting paid for every unreasonable thing he can do.

The human nature response to this is to be less reasonable yourself. But while this comes naturally, it’s not the best way to go, and it’s not biblical.

If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all.” Rom 12:18 ESV

As I see it, that verse tells us we must be reasonable even when others are not. We’re expected to do everything possible to make things work with others, even if they’re being unreasonable. The great thing about living this way is it increases the chances the other person will be decent to us. It doesn’t guarantee anything, but all other things being equal, the nicer you are to someone the nicer they will be to you. If you respond to your husband being unreasonable by being unreasonable back, do you think that will cause him to change? If you react to his being unreasonable by being unreasonable, why would you expect him to react better?

Of course, we don’t want to do this. If feels grossly unfair. It may also feel like we’re setting ourselves up to be used, abused, or neglected. This is where boundaries come in. A boundary means THIS IS OKAY | THIS IS NOT. There is a line, a point, a behaviour, where it goes from acceptable to unacceptable. Being reasonable to unreasonable people is a lot safer when you have and hold to proper boundaries.

~ Paul – I’m XY, and I have a very reasonable wife!

♥ CouplesQuestion: What are you concerned about?

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Get Him Something Skimpy For Christmas

Most men enjoy seeing their wife in sexy lingerie, so buying him a gift you will wear could actually be a great idea. It also means you control the size and comfort.

Lingerie

The images above are from Honoring Intimates, a Christian, nudity-free website that has a sale going till the 17th. I’m seeing sizes 00 to 22, and a lot of variety.

~ Paul – I’m XY, and I like unwrapping my wife!

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The Marriage Bed
4641 Lyons Hill Road
Springdale, WA 99173

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Face Saving?

face-saving
adjective
          intended to prevent someone from feeling embarrassed or having to admit wrong

Husband embarrassed by wife's words.

Should you practice face-saving with your husband? 

I’d say that depends on how you define it. I have a problem with the last part of the definition at the top. Admitting when we’re wrong is important for marriages, and is a basic Christain duty. But what if we define saving face as making it easy for the other person to own what they did was wrong?

Try things like “I’m sure you didn’t mean it…” or “I don’t think you meant to hurt me…” or “I think this got away from you…” before telling hubby he hurt you or caused problems. A bit of grace upfront shows you’re not going to bite his head off, and that makes it far easier to accept blame and ask for forgiveness.

~ Paul – I’m XY, and no one likes being shamed!

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The Power of Donations

You’re receiving a post on Tuesday because today is giving Tuesday and we need your help!

Giving Tuesday philanthropy after Black Friday shopping message

For the last five years, Lori and I have been blessed to be fully supported by the work we do online in the form of donations from those who feel what we do it worth having. We receive one-off and recurring donations of various sizes from individuals. We get support from a couple of churches, including the one we attend. We receive two grants each year, one for the general budget and on for our personal expenses.

Every year, about half of our personal income is raised during the month of December. This year we are trying to raise $10,000. So I’m asking you to take a moment and consider a donation. Nothing is too small (or too large!). It all helps and it all makes us feel heard and useful. If you set up a monthly recurring donation with the button below we will credit the full year in terms of reaching our goal. Many thanks to those of you who have given this year!

BTW, if you’re wondering why we don’t do ads and more affiliate stuff, check out Why We’re Donation Supported.

Click the button to give by credit or debit card via PayPal. 

Or send checks and BillPay made out to The Marriage Bed with Paul & Lori in the memo, to

The Marriage Bed
4641 Lyons Hill Road
Springdale, WA

~ Paul – I’m XY, and I really do need your help.

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Accept The Offer

A true story from friends of ours. She had to go somewhere and do something. He knew she didn’t want to do it, so he offered to go with her. She knew he didn’t want to go with her, so she declined his offer.

Couple driving in car

My advice: When your husband makes offers like this, take him up on it the vast majority of the time. Let him serve you and sacrifice for you a bit. It will actually be good for both of you!

~ Paul – I’m XY, and I wouldn’t offer if I wasn’t willing to do it!

CouplesQuestion: In what ways do you feel old? Young?

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Not A Black Friday Post!

This being Black Friday, I don’t know how many of you will see this. So I’m going to post a slightly modified version of something I posted on Quora.

The original question was about how a woman could get her husband to climax by hand. I’ve heard this from other women – he enjoys it, but it takes forever to get him to come.

I’ve talked about handjobs a few times here. It’s probably on the bottom of most men’s list for sex with their wife, but done well it can be very good. And it is, or should be, easy for the wife.

Female hand holding banana

You want to stimulate his penis, his mind, and his eyes. But first a word about attitude. If you come across as “I’m doing this to shut you up and it better not take long” the result for him will be barely better than if he did it himself. On the other hand, if your goal is to love and bless him and make him feel really good, he will enjoy it much more.

  • HIS EYES: Nudity is always good. So is wearing something sexy. He should be able to see your breasts during the handjob, You can start topless or uncover them as you’re working on him. Letting him see you playing with a nipple will turn him on. You can ask him to touch your breasts or just pick up his hand and put it there.
    You can also encourage him to look at what you’re doing to his penis. This gets some guys going, others not so much.
  • HIS MIND: Talk about how big and hard his penis is. But don’t say penis. Most guys get turned on hearing their wife use certain words. Find his words and use them. Tell him you like how he feels in your hand and that you love watching him squirt. Comment on his growing arousal and how he will soon feel really good. Don’t give him a constant stream of words, but say something here and there to keep his mind going.
    Telling him a sexual fantasy about the two of you might be good. Some guys really get into that, some find it distracting. Another option is to give him a scenario to fantasise about. For example, you could say. “We go somewhere on vacation but get snowed in. We have the whole weekend in a nice suite and we decide to see how much sex we can have. Now imagine what happens.”
  • HIS PENIS: Use lube, and plenty of it. This makes what you do feel better, and it allows you to stimulate him more strongly without making him sore. Baby oil will work or buy a lube made for sex.
    His penis is not as delicate as you think. Most women don’t use enough force when they do a handjob. You probably need to squeeze harder and move faster. Start slow, then pick it up.
    Focus on the head. You can make him feel good touching the shaft and his balls, but that will never make him come. The edge of the head near the shaft is very sensitive and the tag of skin on the underside where the head and the shaft meet is very sensitive.
    Use a bit of mouth. Some guys find it difficult to orgasm from oral and some women don’t want to finish a man in their mouth. Still, the sight of your mouth on his penis is a huge turn-on. Use that early on to get him horny.
    If he’s not circumcised, pull the foreskin back all the way and hold it down with your non-dominate hand. If he is circumcised, do the same thing to make the skin taught. This increases the sensation.
    When he is close, finish him off like this: Make sure he is good and lubed. Use your off-hand at the base of his penis to make the skin tight. Form a ring with the thumb and forefinger of your dominant hand and slide that up the shaft till it hits the head. Slide down and repeat. Use a firm grip going up and loosen it a bit going down. Make short strokes so you hit the head often. Don’t hold back, pull fast and hard!

For a more detailed post on handjobs, check out How To Give A Handjob | The XY Code

~ Paul – I’m XY, and I hope you survive Black Friday!

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Gratitude

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving Day in the USofA. So, for what are you thankful?

Woman thanking God

Gratitude is a powerful force. Sharing that you are grateful for someone certainly makes them feel good, but it also makes you feel better. In fact, expressing gratitude about anything makes you happier!

So tomorrow tell folks what you’re thankful for!

~ Paul – I’m XY, and I’m so very grateful for the wonderful wife God gave me!

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I Don’t Feel Compensated

Recently Lori and I were talking and we realised a major problem in many marriages is one or both spouses don’t feel “compensated” for past wrongs.

By compensated, I mean having whatever made up to you. This goes beyond an apology, this is about making us feel heard and respected.

Husband with upset wife

The problem is when what one expects is beyond what the other does – or what they feel is reasonable to do. Then you get resentment.

Sometimes the problem is the spouse who committed a wrong sees no need to go past “I’m sorry”. However, I think a more common issue is the wronged spouse is bent out of shape about something in their past that predates their marriage. If you’re looking for your spouse to compensate for what a parent, sibling, friend, or former lover did, you have a problem!

Might this be a problem in your marriage, on your part or hubbies or both?

~ Paul – I’m XY, and I’ve felt this.

 #CouplesQuestion: What would be your dream job?

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