He Wants To Share A (Naked) Adventure With You

Over on Quora, I saw someone ask “Why do married women not explore sex with their husbands?

It’s a very male question, and it may take a bit of explaining for you to understand what is being asked.

He Wants To Share A (naked) Adventure With You

It’s like exploring a forest by going on a long hike. It’s like exploring a river by paddling down it in a canoe. Or if you’re like my wife, it’s like spending two hours exploring the new craft store in town. The goal is to see what’s there, find something new, and maybe find something worth coming back to explore more fully. It’s an adventure and it’s all the more fun because you share it with someone you like.

Exploring is full of adventure, and misadventure. It’s okay if you get lost for a while, and it’s okay if something doesn’t work out the way you expected. Applying this to sex, it’s okay if things don’t go as you thought they would, and it’s not a disaster if you can’t get your bodies into some new position. Exploring sex is about exploring your bodies and what they can, and can’t, do together. 

I realise that things like body image, bad sex in the past, and a sense of failure about sex in general, makes exploring sex sound scary. If setting some guidelines or limits helps, then do that.

Big Point: Don’t think his wanting to explore sex means he dislikes the sex you’ve been having because it does not mean that. Guys love to explore. Guys love sex. And he loves you. Wanting to explore sex with you is a natural result of those three things coming together.

~ Paul – I’m XY, and my wife is becoming more of an explorer every day!

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Make It Christmas for Your Hubby

We all have things that make it seem like Christmas for us. It might be a food, certain music, decorations, or a movie. Whatever it is, without that thing it doesn’t really feel like Christmas.

Make It Christmas for Your Hubby

Find out what makes it Christmas for your husband and do everything you can to make sure he gets that.

~ Paul – I’m XY, and we started Christmas music Nov 13th this year.

Almost Halfway!: Mailed donations have started to come in, and they have pushed us close to the halfway point. We’ve never met our goal before Christmas, but this year we just might. You can help make that happen by giving online, or by mail.

To give by check or bill pay, make it out to The Marriage Bed, put “Paul & Lori” in the memo, and mail to:

The Marriage Bed
4641 Lyons Hill Road
Springdale, WA 99173

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Got Enough Time?

All this year, I’ve been talking to the men over on The Generous Husband about the need for margin. Margin is time that’s not committed to anything. It’s not downtime or free time, it’s time that is left open for whatever comes up. If nothing comes up, then it’s free time!

Got Enough Time?

Margin makes life sane. It gives you extra time when you need it, and it makes it possible to slip in things that come up at the last minute. Lori and I have been working on having more margin for a good many years. We still fail at times, but overall we do well, and it has greatly reduced the stress in our lives.

I understand all the reasons you can’t make margin in your life. I had plenty of reasons why I couldn’t do it either. The reality is anyone can do it if they make it a high enough priority. Of course, that means making something else, or something elses, lower priority, and that’s difficult

If you hate a marginless life enough, you will do something about it. If not, you won’t. My prayer is many of you will decide you’re tired of a too full, too busy life and make more margin in your life in 2019.

~ Paul – I’m XY, and having margin totally rocks!

30%: We’ve reached 30% of our year-end giving goal. We need your help to get all the way there. We are a US registered non-profit, so US donations are tax deductible. You can give on-line here. To donate by check or bill pay make it out to The Marriage Bed and mail it to:

Paul & Lori Byerly
c/o The Marriage Bed
4641 Lyons Hill Road
Springdale, WA 99173

 #PrayerPrompt: Ask God to teach you about His perspectives on marriage.

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A Gift For You That’s For Him

Have you ever thought that lingerie is pointless? As soon as he sees you in it, he wants to get you out of it, right?

A Gift For You That's For Him

But that’s the point! It’s like a Christmas gift: what matters is what’s inside, but nice wrapping makes it a bit more exciting. Wrapping also shows you cared enough about the recipient to take the time to wrap the gift.

So get him something for Christmas that wraps you, and let him enjoy unwrapping you. If you buy something comfortable enough to wear under clothing for a few hours (I know a lot of sexy lingerie doesn’t qualify), let him see it as you get dressed to go out together. (Pro Tip: If he’s more into parties than you are, this method of showing him his gift may get you home sooner!)

Our favourite online lingerie place is Honouring Intimates. Good selection, a wide range of sizes, no nudity, and a great sale that ends today (Dec 7th). If you really want to kick it up a notch, have a look at the Lingerie Subscription: each month you select one of several options to receive.

If you want ideas on what he will appreciate most, it’s hard to go wrong with red or black, and slits, cut-outs, or lace areas are a hit with most men.

~ Paul – I’m XY, and I like unwrapping my beautiful wife!

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Middle Age Mismatch

Lori and I sometimes hear from middle age women who are frustrated that their husband doesn’t make more time for them.

Middle Age Mismatch

Often the reality is he’s giving her as much time as he’s been giving her for many years. What has changed is her. The kids are grown and she has more time and energy. It’s great she wants to spend that time with her hubby, but getting upset at him when she’s the one who has changed seems a bit unfair.

Many of these husbands wanted to spend more time with their wife in the past, but she was too busy. He threw himself into work and/or developed hobbies because he needed something to do. Now all of a sudden she wants more time, and all his time is filled up! 

An additional complication for men who work a physical job is doing the job takes more out of them as they get older. Twenty years ago he could come home from a long day and easily go out with his wife. Now he’s totally spent when he gets home, and all he can do is rest up for tomorrow.

If you find yourself frustrated that your husband “suddenly doesn’t have time for you” ask yourself if he’s really giving you less time, or if you’re expecting more time from him. If it’s the latter, have a conversation with him, and start by being upfront that you have more time and would like to spend some of it with him. Ask how to make that work for him. Is there something he does that you could either do or help with to give him more time and energy?

I’ve also seen this play out in sex. The woman wants more because she has more time, more energy, and less stress. He’s gotten used to what they have been doing, even if he has complained about it. Again, he’s the same, and she has changed. And again, the best way to deal with it is to have a talk and start by admitting you want a change.

~ Paul – I’m XY, and an empty nest can be awesome!

One quarter!: We are a few dollars short of 25% of our year-end giving goal! You can help by going here.

Or, to give by check or bill pay, make it out to The Marriage Bed, put “Paul & Lori” in the memo, and mail to:

The Marriage Bed
4641 Lyons Hill Road
Springdale, WA 99173

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Make Some Marriage Time

Most couples don’t have nearly enough time together during the month of December.

What could you do to change that for your marriage?

Make Some Marriage Time

A few ideas to get you started, please add others in the comments:

  • Make popcorn and declare movie night. (Let him choose the movie!)
  • Bring a couple of mugs of hot chocolate to bed and talk as you sip.
  • One Saturday get up early and go have breakfast together.

~ Paul – I’m XY, and I just came back from a wonderful Christmas event with my fantastic wife.

 #CouplesQuestion: What small change would improve your spiritual walk? 

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Never Underestimate A Man’s Sex Drive

I don’t think most women have a clue about the force of nature a man’s sex drive can be. I hear women over on Quora telling the world their sex drive is just like a man’s. They say things that sound about right on the surface, but it lacks the depth and force that men feel. These women are convinced they experience what men experience, but any man listening to them knows they do not. I can’t say there are no women who feel it the way men do, but if they exist they are rare indeed.

Never Underestimate A Man's Sex Drive

It’s not exaggerating to call a man’s sex drive a force of nature. This is especially true for younger men. I understand why so many men do sexually inappropriate things. I’m in no way excusing it, but if a man doesn’t have morality to keep his sex drive in check things can easily get out of control.

Most women get a hint of this force when they get married. Even if they had sex before marriage, odds are he was holding back. Once he’s married he figures it’s all good and he stops holding back. This is when the wife discovers her husband thinks daily sex a good minimum level. 

Most new husbands quickly learn that their wife is not thrilled to have the amount of sex they want. This generally leads to him trying to restrain himself. You may think your husband never did this, but if you feel he thinks about sex way too much or wants it “all the time” I’d say he’s actually holding back some… or a lot.

Because his sex drive is so powerful he wants sex at times when you couldn’t imagine wanting sex. For him to be too tired for sex he has to be a lot more tired than you need to be. He can want sex when he’s stressed or worried. He still wants sex after horrible news or the death of someone close. It’s not that those things don’t impact him, it’s just that his sex drive is so strong it pushes past things that would block your sex drive.

And here’s the important part: His sex drive is a force of nature because God made it that way! He’s not oversexed; he’s not out of control; he’s not sex crazy because of porn. The truth is God gave him a sex drive beyond what most women can possibly fathom. Of course “with great power comes great responsibility” and men need use their sexulity wisely – including in marriage.

So what does all of this mean for a wife? Please accept that his sex drive is more difficult for him to manage than your sex drive is for you. Don’t give him a pass when he fails, but do give him grace. And most of all, make your marriage a place where he feels safe to let his sex drive off the hook. You may never understand how much this blesses him, but please know it’s huge.

And finally, to you gals who don’t see your husband in this post. Some men have much weaker drives. However, what’s more common is a man who has chained his drive up because of things in his past. Maybe it was his mother, maybe it was society. Or perhaps he got in so much trouble because of his sex drive that he felt neutering it was the best plan. Then there are men who don’t think they can let their sexuality off the chain because they will hurt their wife if they do. They fear that they will lose control if they cross a certain line, so they hold back so much they seem to have no interest in sex.

~ Paul – I’m XY, and being allowed to be myself is one of the greatest gifts my wife gives me.

Year-End Giving: We’ve passed the 15% mark, a huge thanks to all of you who have donated. You can give online here.

If you want to send a donation by mail, make it out to The Marriage Bed and put “Paul & Lori” in the memo. Then mail to:

The Marriage Bed
4641 Lyons Hill Road
Springdale, WA 99173

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The 12 Days of Sex December

Many couples have less sex during December than other months. I guess busyness, stress, and exhaustion don’t make for a great sex life!

So this year I’m challenging you, and the men of The Generous Husband, to have sex a dozen times during the month of December.

The 12 Days of Sex December

You and your husband can define what qualifies as sex. It can be for one of you or both of you, and it can be a quickie or you can take it slow. You can schedule, or play it by ear, do it every other day, or play catch up on the weekend. 

The goal is twelve times during the 31 days of December, and you and your hubby decide how to make that happen. If you like this idea, forward this to your husband and let him know it’s part of what you’re giving him for Christmas; or tell him it’s part of what you want from him for Christmas.

BTW, if you don’t want this to be all about him, make sure he knows that up front!

~ Paul – I’m XY, and I challenge you!

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