Feminism vs Serving

To start, I have long said (modern) feminism is the wrong answer to a very real problem. 

Feminist rally

Given how many times I’ve gone after the manosphere over on TGH, it only seems fair to say a few words about the feminist movement here. I remember what it was like for women in the 60’s and 70’s. It was not right and it was not biblical. However, trading one wrong for a less horrible wrong is not a great solution. 

My biggest problem with modern feminism is it’s all about women being better than men. I realise not all feminists feel that way, but more and more it’s the norm. 

I believe the New Testament is very pro-female. For His time Jesus was a radical feminist and Paul was far more for women than those to whom he ministered. But the Bible is not about women being over men; the Bible is about women serving. And before you get upset, it’s also about men serving. All those who follow Jesus are called to be servants. We are called to love those who hate and oppress us. We are to turn the other cheek and go the extra mile.

I have no problem with pointing out when women are treated unfairly, nor with advocating change. But if we don’t do that in a Christlike manner, with God’s goals in mind, then we’re following another gospel!

~ Paul – I’m XY, and I’m glad it’s gotten better.

 #CouplesQuestion: How do you describe God?

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His Eyes Are Sex Organs

Every woman knows men are very sexually visual. But when I see women discuss this, I get the feeling most of them underestimate it significantly.

Even after almost 35 years of marriage, unexpectedly seeing my wife topless causes me to stop mid-sentence and often forget what I was talking about. And it’s that way even if we had sex an hour before. Can you extrapolate that to a younger guy who might not be having all the sex he wants?

Man's eye reflecting half naked women

On the positive side, this means you can do a lot for/to your husband with nudity or hints of nudity. And please spare me the “I’m not that good looking” stuff. Being his sex partner makes your nudity special and powerful. Unless he is sexually frustrated or low drive, your body does something good to him.

On the negative side, this is why visual temptation is so difficult for men. Imagine if you could actually taste chocolate when you see it, and you have a better idea what it’s like. I’m not justifying any guy’s sin here, but I do want you to understand how powerful this is and how much of an effort it takes to get control of it. You can help by saying something like “I’m sorry so many women don’t get it” when an immodestly clad woman walks by. If he feels you understand it will encourage him to try even harder.

~ Paul – I’m XY, and my 60 something wife really gets me going!

Great Post: Use Scent to Enhance Your Sex Life | THE FORGIVEN WIFE – I’ve written on this topic, but what Chris said in this post is way better than any of my attempts!

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Mansplaining

mansplaining
/ˈmanˌsplāniNG/
noun informal

the explanation of something by a man, typically to a woman, in a manner regarded as condescending or patronizing.

Graffiti on brick wall reading "mansplaining"

I’d like you to understand that accusing a man of mansplaining is received about the way women react to being called “the B word”.

I’m not suggesting mansplaining doesn’t exist. I’ve heard it, and honestly, I want to hit some of the guy’s I’ve heard doing it. However, accusing a man of mansplaining is often just a way of telling him he’s stupid and dismissing him. Mansplaining implies an attitude, which means you’re accusing the guy of something that may or may not be true. It also suggests the guy has no idea, but I’ve heard it used on a fellow who has a degree in what he was explaining.

Imagine how you would feel if your kids kept accusing you of momsplaining!

~ Paul – I’m XY, and I hope I’ve ‘splained this well!

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Being Male ≠ Being Right

I can’t find where I got this. I made a note to do a post about it and failed to list where I read it:

It does seem to me though that some Christian marriage advice leans toward letting the man ‘win’ as a form of respect. I feel like it’s a form of disrespect. It implies he can’t handle the truth.”

Man pointing to himself to show he is right.

Personally, I’d be offended to be on the receiving end of that! Having a penis does not make me infallible, nor does it make me so unable to deal with being wrong. But I have seen suggestions along those lines, so yeah, this is out there.

The issue for me is a healthy marriage requires an open and honest relationship. Pretending and lying are contrary to that, so they’re detrimental to a marriage.

~ Paul – I’m XY and I’ve been wrong before and I will be wrong again!

 #CouplesQuestion: Where in the world would you like to live?

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Talk To Your Sons About Sex!

I’m a big fan of cross-gender parental sex education. And when I say education I don’t just mean the biological facts. I’m talking about shaping our children’s thinking about and expectations of sex.

Mother and teenage son talking

There are several ways you talking to your son(s) about sex can help him:

  1. He is dying to hear about sex from a female perspective. If you provide that it reduces the likelihood he will have such discussions with a classmate or some other girl/woman.
  2. He needs a female perspective. He is being buried in male sexual advice with his friends. You can provide a bit of balance. At the very least you can teach him men and women see sex differently.
  3. Guys don’t face the kind of body image issue women do. You can help your son(s) understand this is universal for women. Help him gain both compassion and an understanding of how he can help.
  4. You can also teach your son to see how men often make women uncomfortable with their sexual comments, innuendoes, and advances. Help him understand that fear can cause a young lady to not say no when she wants to. Teach him he can push a girl into doing something she will regret without having any idea he is doing it.

BTW, the way to do this is to start early!

~ Paul – I’m XY, and I didn’t get this from my mom.

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Set Holiday Minimums

The holiday gauntlet is about to begin!

Unhappy couple on couch with Christmas tree in background

Does your marriage suffer every year because doing the holidays means not having enough time for each other? If so, fight back! Have a discussion with hubby now and set some minimums for what you both need for a healthy marriage. Talk about the minimum frequency of date nights, nights home alone together, and sex. When you have those priorities set, make everything else fit in or get left out as needed.

~ Paul – I’m XY, I love the holidays, but Iove my wife more!

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Why So Argumentative?

For some men (many, most?) arguing is a form of entertainment. It’s a way of relating, and of challenging each other. They may actually disagree or one of them may play devil’s advocate so they can argue.

Two old men arguing

Most guys don’t do this with women, but some do. Even if your husband doesn’t do this with you, he may drive you crazy doing it in front of you. 

What you need to know here is it doesn’t mean anything. Two guys can have a seemingly heated exchange and in truth, both are enjoying it and neither is angry or offended.

~ Paul – I’m XY, and my wife hates being in the room when I’m with a friend who does this.

 #CouplesQuestion: What would be your dream job?

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I’ll Just Grab A (Sex) Snack…

Men tend to treat their sex drive much the way they treat hunger in that they are quick to grab a snack rather than waiting for a full meal. When I say snack here, I mean masturbating.

Cake pops

I think men are more given to this for a couple of reasons. Men have less anti-sex pressure, which makes it easier. They have a stronger sex drive, especially as teens, which pushes them to do it. It’s also a lot easier for a man to have a quick masturbatory orgasm. We can easily do it standing and we can easily do it in less than a minute. As desperately horny teens a quick snack is a fairly common thing. And that can become a habit that sticks into marriage.

I’ve explained the why here without making any judgment. Some women will see this as sin. Others will see it as wrong if the wife is willing. And some see it as “At least he’s not bothering me.”

I tell men their sexuality should be in their wife’s hands and snacks are a usually bad idea. Among other things, it might spoil their appetite for the big meal they could have later! That said, a lot of guys are going to snack if they find themselves hungry. He’s been doing it since long before he met his wife and it’s just how it is.

If a wife wants to reduce between-meal snacking, what can she do? She needs to learn to understand his hunger so she can feed him or promise him a meal before he goes for a snack. He likes what she feeds him way better than what he does himself and once he knows she’s going to provide he will lose interest in snacks.

So:

  • If it’s been too long when you wake up, let him know you have a really great sexual meal planned for that night.
  • Offer him snacks when you think he’s hungry and there is no meal planned. With a bit of practice you can learn to give him a snack he will love in ten minutes.
  • Ask him to let you know when he feels like a snack. Then you can say, “Let me” or “Enjoy it” or “Can I watch” or “Can you wait a few hours for a solid meal?”

~ Paul – I’m XY, and I have no interest in snacking these days!

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