There was some interesting discussion on last Friday’s Give Him Signal! post. Reading through it, I realized I had failed to make my point. The men who read here got it, but at least some of the women didn’t. So let me try a second time.
One comment on another comment said, “…this makes me think that what is appealing about porn is that it is women who pretend to have a male sex drive…“
I suspect most men think they would like that, but I doubt they actually would. More importantly, it’s not what’s required.
Your husband wants you to be intentional about sex. He wants you to invite him to have sex. That can be by literally dragging him to the bedroom or it can be more subtle. When your words or actions say “I want to have sex with you” that gets him going like nothing else.
“But what,” I hear some of you say, “if he has the higher drive and he always wants it before I do?”
You don’t have to be horny to want to make your husband feel good, do you? You do all kinds of nice things for him because you love him; why should sex be any different?
Sometimes it might be “Get me going so we can both enjoy this”, while other times it will be “I want to rock your world, so let me”. If he feels you’re doing it to bless him, and if you seem to be enjoying doing it, he’s going to enjoy it.
Over on Quora, someone asked, “What makes a blowjob great?” A number of men basically said nothing more than “Enthusiasm!” And most of the rest included that in their answer. They asked for women to be into what she was doing. If she was enjoying giving them pleasure, that made it good for them.
You don’t have to have a male sex drive. You don’t have to want sex as often as your husband does. If you honestly want to give him great sex and you let that show, he’ll enjoy it!
~ Paul – I’m XY, and attitude is everything!
One thing that leads to being too busy is not knowing when to say something is done well enough. The inability to set sane standards assures being too busy all of the time.
A big part of this is our fear of what others think. We worry that what we do isn’t good enough for our friends, our mother-in-law, or people we barely know. So we take on standards that go way beyond sane to curry favour or avoid embarrassment.
My thought is we should do what makes sense. God’s standards are certainly a factor in that. The desires of our spouse, family, and friends should also be considered, but only after giving those things a sanity check. There is certainly a place for going beyond because someone you love wants it that way, but not if it makes your life miserable or too busy.
~ Paul – I’m XY, and I don’t want Lori half killing herself for my preferences!
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Over on The Generous Husband, I’m spending most of a week nagging the guys about being too busy. But this is by no means a male problem; it’s a problem that affects most of us.
Being too busy is bad for you, for your marriage, for your sex life, for your children, for your physical health, for your mental health, for your walk with the Lord, and so much more. Being busy is one of the most destructive things you can do to yourself and those you love.
Of course, I know you’re thinking this is easy to say but change is impossible. Or at least really difficult. And you’re right. Doing a sane number of things is counter-cultural. If you do what is right and good some folks will look at you funny and may even think you’re lazy.
What makes it so difficult to stop being too busy is what others will think of you. Once you decide others aren’t going to tell you what to do, it becomes far easier to do less.
~ Paul – I’m XY, and I hate what busy does to women!
♥ #CouplesQuestion: What do you have in common with your spouse?
One of my most read posts over on TGH is Signal to Noise Ratio. The idea is that your sexuality is the signal, and all other sex and nudity is noise or interference. I explain to men it doesn’t take much noise to overrun the signal, and I encourage them to avoid noise so they can better enjoy sex with their wife.
Avoiding noise is his part. Making sure he gets plenty of signal from you is your part.
The first problem here is many men blame their looking on the lack of signal from their wife, while many women blame the lack of signal on his looking. And thus, they both feel justified in continuing in wrong and unloving behaviour.
How about you leave his looking to him and God and deal with your part, regardless of your husband’s choices and sin? I can assure you God’s not letting you off the hook because of hubby’s wrong choices any more than he’s letting hubby off the hook because of your wrong choices.
This is where I have to attack the idea that you can’t compete with all those other women. The truth is they can’t compete with you, as long as you show up. Your husband doesn’t want to have sex with any of those other women, and even more importantly he knows he’s never going to have sex with those women. No image or fantasy can hold a candle to a real live flesh and blood wife who wants to have sex! The catch is you have to convince him you want sex. Not you’re willing, but you want to.
And that’s where signal comes in. When you flirt and tease, you tell him you want him. No image or half-naked woman on the street tells him “I want you”. No movie scene gets naked with him in bed. And no fantasy touches his body in special ways.
Give him signal, and I bet things will change for the better.
~ Paul – I’m XY, and I’m all about the signal!
Men generally figure if a thought, idea, or belief really means something to you, you’ll be all about defending it.
When men do this with each other it’s fine, because we’re playing by the same rules. For us, it’s a sport. However, many women aren’t into defending every last thought they have. It feels rude to be challenged just to prove an idea is worthy.
If your husband seems to attack every last thing you say, this may be what he’s doing. It’s not intentional, it’s just how he functions.
Do what you like with this information. Accept his challenge and meet him on the field of mental battle, or explain to him that’s not how women do things and it makes you feel unloved and stupid.
~ Paul – I’m XY, and may the best idea win!
I’m not 100% sure this is an honest gender difference, but I’ve seen it enough times to think it’s worth mentioning.
There is a level of physical exhaustion at which a man’s brain pretty much stops working.
If you expect brilliant conversation when he’s physically exhausted, you’re going to be disappointed, and your hubby may get frustrated. If you want his best thinking, wait till he’s rested. And if you think he will remember anything either of you says when he’s beat, you’re wrong.
~ Paul – I’m XY, and I’ve been taking out trees and brush around here.
♥ #CouplesQuestion: What would you like your morning routine to look like?
Last week I encouraged you to speak up for the sex you want and need. This week I want to encourage you to also speak up about the sex you don’t want.
I’m all for blessing your spouse, and if you sometimes do something he likes that you don’t enjoy because you want to make him feel good, that’s great. However, if things you don’t enjoy are a regular part of your sex life something is wrong. If things you dislike are a regular part of your sex life, you’re in a very bad place!
As I said last week, sex is for women too. If your sex life is full of things you dislike or don’t enjoy, then you’re not getting the sex life you should have. Doing things you find gross or uncomfortable is a bad plan because it interferes with your sexual pleasure. This is another place where hints are a fail. If you have not told him very clearly that you don’t like something, don’t assume he knows it. If you complained about it years ago but kept doing it, he has no reason to think it’s really a problem for you.
One common source of this problem is from sex before marriage. It’s fairly common for women to do sexual things they don’t really like when dating. Or maybe she had no idea if she liked it, and then didn’t know how to say “No thanks” when she realised she didn’t like it.
If you’ve not been clear with him start by apologising for that. Then tell him you want sex to be good for both of you, and some of what you’ve been doing is making sex unenjoyable for you. Finish up by suggesting some alternative sex acts to try.
~ Paul – I’m XY, and if you’re not both enjoying it, it’s not good sex and it’s certainly not what God wants for you.
When I was growing up, “Men don’t cry” was a big deal. A boy who cried in front of others was going to be harassed about it for a long time to come.
It’s a bit less bad today, but it’s still a very real thing and most men I know have been a victim of it.
The real problem is we don’t just shut down crying; we shut down emotions. “Men don’t cry” teaches us that emotions aren’t safe. If we allow ourselves to feel emotions, we might lose control. We might cry or do something else that “real men don’t do”. Emotions, in general, become the enemy. For many men, the only safe emotion is the “manly” emotion of anger. Anger doesn’t look weak; it seems strong and masculine.
Just as your childhood gave you body image issues, your husband’s childhood gave him emotional image issues. It’s just as real, just as painful, and just as difficult to overcome. If you can accept that analogy, maybe you can be more understanding and more helpful.
~ Paul – I’m XY, and what brings tears to my eyes is when the underdog triumphs.