I often have women ask why their husband does things like suddenly grabbing her breasts or butt, making sexual comments about her at non-sexual times, or poking her with his morning erection.
And much of the time the question ends with, “Does he think that will make me horny?”
And the answer is yes, he does.
Why would he think that? Because if you grabbed his crotch or butt, made sexual comments about him, or did something to let him know you were physically aroused, it would make him horny. It would make him very horny and it would happen very fast. So this is one of those cases of wrongly assume your spouse is like you are.
Rather than scolding him, explain it doesn’t do to you what it would do to him if you did something similar. If you can give him an idea of something he could do that might get you in the mood, tell him that too.
~ Paul – I’m XY, and my wife is not a man.
Links to great posts:
From time to time in the comments on this blog and TGH I see bits of the lies women are told about marriage. And all too often these lies are called the plan or will of God. The following is a great example of this
“Back when I was first married a specific kind of traditionalist fundamentalism was spreading like wildfire. I belonged to a group of ladies that taught and touted this strict method of Christianity. I distinctly remember articles against “me time” and shaming women who went out with girlfriends or got mani-pedis as selfish and lazy. One quote that was shared was, ‘moms, if you aren’t going to be exhausted then you haven’t served your family well enough.‘
“Within a few years the forums became dotted, then filled with women seeking advice because they were breaking down and more than some had marital issues. Soon, women started falling away. Completely burned out and many were abused by their husbands, and sick of having baby after baby, they ran from their marriages and their faith. Many became atheist or pagan feminist divorcees.” ~ libl
I’ve seen religious people put women in a lot of boxes over the years. They write scriptures on the boxes to try to convince others and/or themselves that the boxes are of God. But most of the boxes have nothing to do with God, and many are contrary to what the Bible actually says. And all too often, women are the most vocal people pushing these boxes.
The sure solution to this is to know the Word of God. This is a clear case of “you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free”. If you don’t know the truth of the Bible, you can be trapped by lies. If you know the truth, you will see the lies for what they are.
Yes, God gave husbands a headship role, but He did not say women are third class people who have to take whatever is thrown at them. God didn’t tell women to follow blindly or to sacrifice who He made them as part of caring for their family. Those who say such things are misrepresenting God!
~ Paul – I’m XY, and my wife does NOT belong in a box!
This post isn’t about phone sex… although I do recommend that if you and hubby are apart for a few days. This post is about using your phone to spice things up.
Below are a few ideas to get you started, from mild to wild. Do be aware of privacy concerns. If others see his phone, most of this is a no go. If there is any chance others might be around when you send him something, warn him first. If you can’t guarantee privacy or just don’t trust it, try some of these and send them from another room when you’re both at home. Or hand him your phone at home to share an image. Or ask him to text you when he gets in the car to start home and send then.
These would drive most men crazy. They plug into how the sexual part of his brain works. (And no, you don’t have to look like the woman in the image. He wants you and he wants to see you naked!)
~ Paul – I’m XY, so trust me on this!
I’ve read and been told that women are better at empathy than men. And on one level I accept this as truth.
It seems some men are not considered as deserving of empathy. I’ve seen women do this to their husband and I’ve seen groups of women do it to certain men.
If you see yourself in this, may I suggest it’s not helping anyone and it’s bad for your marriage?
If you don’t see yourself in this, please be on the lookout for it in others.
~ Paul – I’m XY, and I feel you.
I’m on the recorded over on TGH that I think passive-aggressive is a real thing. However, I’ve also heard it used as an accusation, disrespect, or a full-on attack when it’s not what’s going on. When this happens it’s wrong, unloving, and destructive to a couple’s marriage.
One version of this is the woman who says her husband is passive-aggressive because he’s not taking care of something she needs him to do. But the reality is she expects him to do things he doesn’t have time for or she thinks something is a quick easy job when it’s not.
In other cases, it may be passive-aggressive, but the reason for that is because of how the wife treats her husband. I’m not suggesting it’s the right way for him to react, but if he feels disrespected and not at all appreciated, you can see why he might just not care.
If you feel your guy is passive-aggressive, ask yourself if he has always been this way. If not, then there is more to it than you may realise.
~ Paul – I’m XY, and there’s always another side!
♥#CouplesQuestion: What one goal would you like to meet in the next month?
A while back there was some discussion in the comments both here and over on TGH about women who had multiple partners before marriage. Some men suggested such a woman was irreparably damaged and would never want or enjoy sex with her husband. Not being a woman, I could not challenge this from personal experience. So, I phoned a friend! The result is this guest post by J Parker.
Part of my redemption story involves moving from a premarital promiscuous past to a marital monogamous present. While I wish the change had happened like “Beam me up, Scotty”—one moment here, one moment there—I actually walked a long road to arrive at the sexual intimacy God wanted me to have.
I’ve analysed my past enough to understand all the reasons I chose to have sex before marriage with multiple partners, but one reason is that it felt great.
God created us as sexual beings, and being touched, turned on, and brought to orgasm are good sensations. To say I didn’t enjoy the physical experience of sexual activity with past lovers would be a lie. But that’s not the same as saying that it was good for me. Or that I didn’t have serious regrets.
We’ve all done something pleasurable in the moment that had poor consequences later—eaten too much food, imbibed too much alcohol, purchased something we wanted but couldn’t afford. We may be momentarily happy with our action, but that high fades.
Being able to engage in sex and orgasm doesn’t mean enjoying the whole kit-and-caboodle. Because of my decisions, my body was misused, my heart was injured, my soul was stained. Yeah, it felt good in the moment, but it was just that: a feel-good moment.
Fast forward to finding my beloved and getting married. We had a very active sex life early in marriage, with plenty of pleasure and orgasms. Yet, I felt something lacking.
Was I comparing my husband to former lovers? No. While I hadn’t forgotten my past, I wasn’t comparing, and even if I had, he would have won that contest. Had my sexual interest waned now that I was married? No. I was able to experience sexual bliss, but I simply felt something was missing. Did my internal stress over sex have anything to do with my husband or my love for him? No. It didn’t.
Truth was, I carried baggage from my premarital promiscuous past. Sure, I was having a great time in bed with my husband, and I knew God was in favour of our sexual intimacy, but I was holding back part of myself. Though I’d confessed my sin and repented, I still viewed myself as a sexual sinner and hadn’t fully accepted God’s forgiveness.
Moreover, I’d learned from my past that when I had sex, I needed to protect my heart. It was one thing to be physically present with a guy, but another thing altogether to be wholly present—mind, body, and soul—with him. Even if that him was my husband.
Let’s turn that time clock again, moving forward several years. Once I realized what kept me from feeling fully engaged in sexual intimacy, I could work through it. I use the term “work” not because it was gruelling labour, but rather because it required effort on my part, including the effort of accepting God’s clean slate for me.
My story is similar to many I’ve heard from other wives who had sexual partners before marriage. How difficult the shift is depends on the wife, but by and large, we feel bad about premarital sex—in a way many guys just don’t. So it can be hard for a husband to understand why current marital intimacy is affected, especially if the wife clearly enjoys sex in the moment.
What makes the difference is how a wife views herself. Paul has shared research from a Finnish study on this point (Paul has shared research from a Finnish study on this point ). But one might then ask if Christian wives have it worse because we carry guilt from our past that can hamper sexual interest in our present. Well, is it worse to feel guilt for your sin, struggle with your actions, repent and receive forgiveness or to never admit you were a sinner and need Jesus’ sacrifice and salvation? I’ll go with the first one, thanks.
As Christians, what we need is to understand God’s design for sex in marriage, which includes forgiveness for our past sins, vulnerability not only with our bodies but our full selves in the marriage bed, and the experience of not merely pleasure but one-flesh intimacy. And, may I add, that sex is not just for him, but for her to embrace completely—arousal, pleasure, orgasm.
Look, I don’t want to have sex with my husband the way I did with past lovers. That young woman was desperate for physical affection, used sexual prowess to mask insecurities, and felt empty when it was all over. As I write this, I’m tearing up, wishing I could hug that woman and explain what God longs for her to have instead.
But I’m not that young woman. My premarital promiscuous past, the sin that tried to claim me, didn’t win. I’m not unaware of what I did, or who I did, but my past lovers haven’t hurt my ability to fully enjoy sex with my husband. To me, it feels much like Joseph’s pronouncement to his brothers in Genesis 50:20: “You intended to harm me, but God intended it all for good.” Once I let God use what I did to teach me His better ways, the very best path opened up to me.
J. Parker is a Christian author and speaker who blogs at Hot, Holy & Humorous and uses a biblical perspective and a blunt sense of humor to foster godly sexuality. She has penned four books on sexual intimacy in marriage, including Pillow Talk: 40 Conversations About Sex for Married Couples.
~ Paul – I’m XY, and I didn’t write this one!
Image Credit: © Nikolai Sorokin | stock.adobe.com & J Parker
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Ask your husband what he has given up on.
It could be something he hoped for his marriage or it could be something he wanted for his life. What dream(s) has died?
Then ask him how big a deal it is that those things have died.
Finally, if it’s in your power to make any of those things more possible, do whatever it takes.
~ Paul – I’m XY, and dreams are important!
Last Saturday over on TGH I wrote a post entitled Unlocking Her Orgasm. The post was based on information from a massive study done in Finland that looked at how often women had an orgasm during intercourse.
Here I want to look at some places where the data from that study doesn’t line up with what we think should be true, and what many Christian women experience. Based on the size and the scope of the study, I suspect it’s pretty accurate. So what gives?
I suggest the differences are rooted in cultural differences about how Finish women and American woman, especially Christian American women, think and feel about sex. In Finland, there’s almost no double standard about sex and it’s seen as normal for a woman to want and to purse sex. This means Finish women are not dealing with the guilt and shame common here.
The number of study women who “usually have an orgasm during sexual intercourse” was double what is quoted for American women. And it wasn’t just that, those who could did so far more frequently. Orgasm from intercourse was a bit more common for older women and those in a relationship, but the difference was not huge. I’ve seen some small studies here that show older married women having rates of orgasm similar to what was shown in the Finish study, but it seems to take us a lot longer to get there.
The why for this difference is probably shown in other things from the study. Women who saw their orgasm as very important were much more likely to have orgasms. Those who were on top and those who used more than one position had a higher orgasm rate. Basically, those who think they should orgasm and do something to make it happen have orgasms. But in our culture, many women don’t feel right about being that way.
Another big predictor of orgasm was the woman receiving oral sex. Likewise for manual sex, to a lesser degree. In other words, when there is good foreplay, it’s much easier for a woman to orgasm during intercourse.
A rather controversial result for Christians was that promiscuity didn’t hurt a woman’s ability to orgasm. It also didn’t help. How many partners a woman had been with was irrelevant to her chances of having an orgasm during intercourse. But here we hear from women who report they can’t enjoy sex with their husband because of their past. Or more specifically, because of their guilt/shame about their past. I would suggest it’s the negative feelings, not the experience, that harms the woman’s sexuality. I’m in no way saying premarital sex is okay, but apparently, it doesn’t need to harm what a woman can have when she marries.
I’ve had women tell me they don’t enjoy sex with their husbands because God is punishing them for having sex when they were single. I never bought that as it’s not in line with who the Bible says God is. Based on this information, I have to wonder if some of these women are punishing themselves. Or maybe their husband is doing it. Or some of both.
If you look at all of this information, it seems clear our uptight antisex stance makes it difficult for a woman to enjoy sex. The chance of having an orgasm during intercourse is greatly reduced and I suspect the chances of orgasm in any way are similarly impacted. Likewise for desire. The biggest problem is not about lack of skill, it’s about the things in our minds that get in the way!
I wanted to flag one other thing from the study. Masturbation experience didn’t affect the odds of a woman having an orgasm from intercourse. I’ve always said masturbation is a good way for a woman to learn to orgasm. That may be true, but it’s not helping her during intercourse. On the other hand, how much a woman had masturbated in the last year did impact orgasm during intercourse, in a negative way! Women who pleasured themselves were less likely to orgasm with their male partner. This flies contrary to what I’ve read and said, but the data seems pretty strong.
~ Paul – I’m XY, and I know God wants women to enjoy sex with their husbands!