The Problems With Perfectionism

I came across an article titled New study highlights the destructive link between perfectionism and depressive symptoms. The article quoted from a study that found perfectionism was bad for people in a number of ways. It also said there is a rise in perfectionism.

Scrabble tiles reading "Done is better than perfect"

I do get it. When I tried to make a living doing fine woodworking 30 years ago I failed because I kept turning out products that were better than what people wanted. Or more accurately, what they were willing to pay for. Sure, they loved what I did, but I was spending way too much time for the money I made. When I started doing landscape and irrigation I took that lesson with me. I did a reasonable job, and charged appropriately. Folks who were more concerned with price than quality didn’t hire me, or didn’t hire me again. I was not willing to do really low-quality work, but I found a level that many folks would pay for.

I’ve had a lot of men complain that their wife’s perfectionism is hurting their marriage. She spends too much time on things, or never finishes them, because she holds herself to an unreasonable standard. 

The author of the study said, “if a reader is struggling with perfectionism I encourage them to speak to a mental health professional.” That’s good advice if perfectionism is causing a problem in your life or your marriage.

~ Paul – I’m XY, and I’ve learned perfect usually costs way too much!

A post worth reading:

Dr. Corey Carlisle | Sexual fascination ◄ An interesting take on being open to our sexuality.

Photo by Brett Jordan on Unsplash
Shop Amazon ♦ Shop to give links page
We’re donation supported Thanks for your help!
This post may contain affiliate links, see my disclosure for info.

 

Do You See The Sacrifice?

Have you ever felt unappreciated because you did something that required a lot of hard work and/or sacrifice and your husband never said a word about it?

invisible man standing with folded arms over his chest

Men feel the same way when their hard work or sacrifice is treated like it’s mundane and expected.

~ Paul – I’m XY, and in some ways, men and women are the same!

♥ #Couples Question: What good thing happened to you this week?

A post worth reading:

Dr. Corey Carlisle | Who we emulate ◄ Who you hang with matters!

Image Credit: © ArtFamily | stock.adobe.com
Shop Amazon ♦ Shop to give links page
We’re donation supported Thanks for your help!
This post may contain affiliate links, see my disclosure for info.

 

This

Unless your husband is lower drive (and maybe even then) he wants you to do this.

Woman seducing husband

Or something like it.

He wants you to show him that you want him, desire him, and enjoy him sexually. I can’t possibly tell you how very much he wants this and how he is dying inside if he never gets it.

Now I know some of you are thinking. But I never feel that way. I have no interest in sex until we get started. And I say, “So what?” Do you have to be horny to seduce your husband? Can’t you aggressively start something and get aroused along the way? Tell him “I want you, but I need your help getting turned on so I can enjoy you.” Most men would find this a very enjoyable version of being seduced.

~ Paul – I’m XY, and yeah, this!

Image by Юрий Урбан from Pixabay
Shop Amazon ♦ Shop to give links page
We’re donation supported Thanks for your help!
This post may contain affiliate links, see my disclosure for info.

 

Two Year Temporary

I have a friend who is opposed to doing anything that is temporary. He is like this because his father was forever doing “temporary” things that were never later done right.

The problem with this approach is things that could be made better get no attention until he has the time and money to “do it right”.

Damaged car mirror with provisional repair, stopgap, temporary fix.

Lori and I are a couple of years into a five year (we hope!) home building effort. Along the way we have embraced the idea of “two-year temporary”. If something is not the final version but will be in place for a year or two, we make it functional and less than ugly. It’s better than a fast short term fix, but not as nice, or as expensive, or as much work, as what we want eventually.

Two-year temporary is a better choice than a patch job or doing nothing. 

~ Paul – I’m XY, and I know how to rock duct tape!

A post worth reading:

Hot, Holy & Humorous | Were Your Parents Poor Models of Marriage? ◄ Be honest, and then deal with any bad messages.

Image Credit: © Digital Mammoth | stock.adobe.com
Shop Amazon ♦ Shop to give links page
We’re donation supported Thanks for your help!
This post may contain affiliate links, see my disclosure for info.

 

It Might Not Be That Easy

I live on ten acres with several other families and I often see a wife or mother ask their husband or son to do some repair. And much of the time, I can tell the one asking has no idea how much work is really required to do the job.

And then they get upset when the job is not done as soon/quickly as they think it should be.

Water drop dripping from the tap

As an example, a dripping faucet. Simple to fix, right?

Plumbing takes a rather specialised set of tools that most of us don’t own. So we either buy those tools or we make do with something else. The latter choice means more difficulty and the chance of damaging something. Plumbing also means dealing with things that are corroded or locked up by hard water deposits. That can mean breaking things during disassembly, or worse when you put it back together. Most of the time you don’t know what part you need until the water is off and the faucet is disassembled. Then it’s off to the hardware store in hopes they have what you need.

Oh, and that getting the water off part? It’s very likely you can’t do that because of the afore mentioned corrosion and hard water deposits. So you either turn off the water to the whole house for the duration, or you turn it off so you can fix the faucet cut off. That’s more parts to find and more things to go wrong.

Last year I tried to fix a faucet for some friends. I went to three hardware stores and could not find the missing part. Then when I tried to put it back together I broke a part. I got it back together and no worse than it was, but it wasn’t going to hold. I ended up replacing the entire sink faucet. (Fortunately, they were fine with this.) It ended up taking several days!

If you don’t know how to fix something, don’t assume you know how much time and effort it will take to do the job.

~ Paul – I’m XY

♥ #Couples Question: What encouragement do you need to hear?

A post worth reading:

The Generous Wife | Stories – Felicity ◄ One person can have a major impact on the world!

Image Credit: © banusevim | stock.adobe.com
Shop Amazon ♦ Shop to give links page
We’re donation supported Thanks for your help!
This post may contain affiliate links, see my disclosure for info.

 

The Things You Hear About Sex

Over on Knowing Her Sexuality, J and Chris did a two-part series on Things Your Wife Hears about Sex (When You’re Not Around). Their goal was to help husbands understand what their wive’s are hearing from other women.

Given these things are somewhat common, I thought I’d make a few comments on them. Today I’m doing the first four from their first post

Older woman whispering to younger woman

Sex Is a Burden

How sad. It makes something that should be wonderful for both a burden for her and far less enjoyable for him.

Very few men are okay with sex being a burden for their wife. When we’re young and so horny we can’t think we will try to pretend it’s not so. But as we get older we will be less and less interested in sex if our wife sees it as a burden.

You Should Be Having Sex

Most men are surprised that women say this to each other. It may not be the norm yet, but it’s more and more common. Yeah!

Sex Starts with Desire

J does a good job of explaining this is not the case for most women most of the time. This one really needs to die a fast death. “Needing” some foreplay to feel desire is normal for most women. I tell the men this often and I know I’ve mentioned it here at least once.

Sex Is Fun

Another one that surprises men. Good job, keep telling your friends this one!

~ Paul – I’m XY, and it’s not all bad news.

By the way, Knowing Her Sexuality is a great resource for your husband.

A post worth reading:

The Generous Wife | Believe the Best ◄ A great choice to make.

Image Credit: © fizkes | stock.adobe.com
Shop Amazon ♦ Shop to give links page
We’re donation supported Thanks for your help!
This post may contain affiliate links, see my disclosure for info.

 

His ADULT Brain

I’ve talked a lot about brain studies recently. And I’ve failed to mention one potential problem with some of them. Most of what we think we know about the male brain comes from test subjects drawn from undergrads. We’re talking 18 to 22-year-old guys who are looking for a bit of easy cash or some course credit. 

Model of the brain

The problem with this is men’s brains are not fully developed until about 25. So what we learn from the young guys is interesting, but it may not be valid for older men. Beyond that, our minds change throughout our life. At almost 60 I can see and feel how this works. I’ve gained some perspective and hopefully a bit of wisdom. I also have a bit less testosterone, which makes my sex drive a little less demanding and makes it easier to ignore the folks who cut me off on the road. My sex drive and aggressive side still exist, but I have more control over them.

If you’ve been married a decade, your man’s brain is not the brain you married. The changes are slow, but they’re there and they add up over time. Think about who he was and who he is now. And pay attention for the changes still down the road.

~ Paul – I’m XY, and I’m more easygoing and nicer than I was at 25!

Photo by Natasha Connell on Unsplash
Shop Amazon ♦ Shop to give links page
We’re donation supported Thanks for your help!
This post may contain affiliate links, see my disclosure for info.

 

A Note Of Appreciation

So do you ever feel your husband doesn’t appreciate what you do? Or maybe you know he does, but it would be nice to hear him say it once in a while?

A lot of men feel the same way.

Gear with "Thank You" on them.

So leave your husband a note of appreciation every now and then. You could get creative and leave it where he will see it when he does something. Like a thank you note on the lawnmower.

If you really want to get him, leave him a note thanking him for great sex!

~ Paul – I’m XY, and being appreciated for things I’m “supposed to do” always feels good.

♥ #Couples Question: You’re sending a postcard. Who is it to? What do you say?

A post worth reading:

Intimacy in Marriage | Do You Want to Change Your Poor Attitude About Sex? ◄ You can do it if you try.

Image Credit: ©Artur | stock.adobe.com
Shop Amazon ♦ Shop to give links page
We’re donation supported Thanks for your help!
This post may contain affiliate links, see my disclosure for info.

 

%d bloggers like this: