Friday Flashback: Why Men Masturbate In The Shower

I was looking at the stats for the blog and this post is the most read by a huge margin. Clearly, it hits a nerve. And as it was first posted over three years ago, it seems ripe for a rerun.


I suppose the first question I need to answer is “how common it is for men to masturbate in the shower?”

The vast majority of guys learn to do this as teens. Proper washing of the penis feels good and can be a bit arousing, which can easily lead to masturbation for a young guy. So most men bring the habit into their marriage.

In a survey we did, of almost 700 men, 54% have done it in the last month, and 28% in the last week. So yes, it’s is a common activity for married men. However, it’s nowhere near-universal; 15% say they never do it and 40% do so no more than a few times a year.

Man in shower hiding behind curtain and yelling.

As to why, the easy and most common answer is a lack of sex. If a man is sexually frustrated a shower may make him aware of it and doing it there is quick, easy, and mess-free. However, most men see shower masturbation as something far less than sex. When asked how they feel about doing it, 38% said it was okay but nothing special. It provides physical release, nothing more. As one man said in the comments, “Masturbation gives me some breathing room from the physical effects of the drive, dulls the hunger. It does nothing for the emotional needs of my heart; it does not make me more intimate with my wife or less lonely. It is highly depressing; I masturbate to get relief, yet it is a bitter testimonial to the profound loneliness I have found in marriage. 

Sadly some men think they’re doing their wife a favour: 17% said, “I’m glad I can do it rather than bothering my wife all the time.” Other men find it easier than risking rejection, especially when they feel they really need it on a physical level.

A dozen men said they masturbate in the shower to help avoid porn. As one said, “Can’t do that in the shower.

Several men said they masturbate before sex so they can last longer with their wife in bed. A few men said they masturbate but don’t climax so they are aroused for sex with their wife or so they are highly aroused as that makes sex better for them. Finally, 10% of men said they engage in shower masturbation when they are separated from their wife. Doing it in the shower prevents the temptation to flip on the TV and look for porn.

There were a few men who said they really enjoy flying solo in the shower and 5% said more sex with their wife wouldn’t change their shower masturbation frequency at all. But 59% of men said more sex with their wife would put an end to doing anything in the shower and most of the rest said it would reduce it.

The bottom line is shower masturbation by married men is common, with about a third of men doing it at least once a month. However, the vast majority of these men see it as a physical necessity and they would much, much rather have sex with their wife.

~ Paul – I’m XY, and my wife is so much more enjoyable than any shower!

[This post first appeared June 16, 2017.]

A post worth reading:

Dr. Corey Carlisle | Sex as ritual ◄ Rituals help us connect.

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Cynicism Is Just Fear In Disguise

“Next time you’re tempted to rain on someone’s parade or feel like you need an umbrella from someone else’s downpour, remember that cynicism is just fear in disguise. Ditch the fear and go bold with a boatload of encouragement instead. Failure or not, we all need voices that shine light on dreams. The world is desperate for people who do this. Be one of them.” ~ Bob Goff in Live in Grace, Walk in Love: A 365-Day Journey

Cynicism can be like a deadly poison - pictured as word Cynicism on toxic bottles

When I read that passage, I had a sudden flash of understanding of a few wives I’ve known. These women seemed to breathe cynicism, down talking the vast majority of what their husband proposed to do. I always wondered why these women were so negative and why they wanted to prevent their husbands from living. But thinking about it, I can see the women were rather fearful and I can see how their cynicism could be them opposing everything they felt might be in any way dangerous. This makes their actions more understandable, but it doesn’t make them right. It’s still hurting their husband and their marriage. 

That said, I do realise that most men are greater risk-takers than most women. This creates tension in a couple’s marriage that should be addressed.

  • A wise man understands that he sometimes takes unacceptable risks and he learns to use his wife’s objections as a reason to check himself.
  • A wise woman understands that taking risks is part of being male and asking her guy to stop is as good as asking him to castrate himself. She learns to voice big concerns and hold her tongue on the smaller stuff. She also learns to be honest about her fear rather than coming across as saying her husband is inept.

~ Paul – I’m XY, and now I have to ask myself if ever do this…

A post worth reading:

Dr. Corey Carlisle | Not Ours To Own ◄ Only to accept what you’re responsible for!

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Realistic Marriage Expectations

I read someone who works with couples on the verge of divorce saying unrealistic marriage expectations are a major cause of divorce. I don’t know that I’d call it a major cause, but I’ve certainly seen it mess up marriages that could have been very good.

Man looking at impossible maze

Apart from sex, women tend to have greater expectations of marriage than men do. This is especially true for older couples. With younger couples, I’m seeing more men with unrealistic marriage expectations. But I think it’s still more common for women.

Unrealistic expectations are formed well before we are of marrying age. What we view on TV and in movies, along with what we read, are major contributors. Our friends are also a part of it, but they often reinforce unrealistic expectations more than they help form them.

If one spouse has unrealistic expectations the other is likely to give up. If you feel the game is rigged and you can’t succeed, giving up is the only sane choice. Given what’s on the line many will keep trying even after it’s obvious the goal is impossible to reach, but sooner or later they will stop caring and stop trying. And at that point the marriage is dead.

The difficulty with these expectations is they seem perfectly valid to us. And odds are our friend will agree with us. Decerning if one of you has unreasonable expectations or the other is failing to live up to reasonable expectations may take a trained third party. 

Might this be a problem in your marriage?

~ Paul – I’m XY, I think I’m very reasonable! ;-) 

♥ #CouplesQuestion: What do you need to stop doing?

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Why Men Cheat

Why people commit adultery is a difficult question to answer. If you ask people who have done it, very few will include selfishness or being immoral in their list of reasons, most will want to blame their spouse. Getting the truth requires getting past the lies cheater tell others as well as the lies they tell themselves. Then there’s the difficulty of getting a group of cheaters to talk to. One larger study looked at those who were using the Ashley Madison website to find someone to cheat with. But those who are looking for adultery are not the same as those who are willing to do it if they have an opportunity. Some of those who are willing don’t even know they’re willing until they’re given an opportunity. And, if you look at various studies and surveys, you find conflicting results on some issues. This is due to the different groups studied and how certain questions were answered.

All that said, I recently spent some time looking at a number of studies to try and glean some understanding.

Cheating man lying with mistress in hotel bed looking at a call from wife on his phone.

A few things I learned:

  1. Cheating is a moral issue. Some men will do it with little or no reason, while others won’t do it even given every reason.
  2. The vast majority of men say sex is not the primary reason they cheat. 
  3. Relationship issues are the reason most men give for cheating. They cite emotional distance and feeling underappreciated is a major reason.
  4. Men who make a lot less money than their wife are more likely to cheat. The theory is they cheat to prove their masculinity. 
  5. The “other woman” was not a major factor in why men cheat. Men didn’t say the other woman came after them, they often didn’t find the sex much better, and 88% of men said their wife is as good looking or better looking than the women they cheated with.
  6. Religion and cheating have a convoluted relationship. Men who take their religion seriously are less prone to cheating. However, men who have a lot of sexual guilt because of their religion are more likely to cheat.
  7. New porn use doubles the chance a man will cheat. The question here is cause and effect. Does the porn use lead a man to cheat or does some other factor increase both the willingness to use porn and to cheat?

The bottom line is that while cheating is not all about the wife, most of the time her choices are a big factor. I’m not justifying anyone, just making the point. The good news is most women can greatly influence his choices by working at having a good intimate relationship complete with a reasonable sex life. And it seems the relationship part of that is more important than the sexual part.

To be clear, I’m not looking to blame the victim here. But it’s rare for an affair to happen “for no reason”. We influence our spouses for good and for bad, and often that influence is significant.

~ Paul – I’m XY, and I only have eyes for Lori!

A post worth reading:

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Make Him Feel Accepted

This year Lori and I have been reading Bob Goff’s devotional Live in Grace, Walk in Love: A 365-Day Journey. I HIGHLY recommend it! The title of a recent reading was “People grow where they are accepted”. A very insightful thought.

Woman giving thumbs up on white background.

I know a lot of men who feel (or know) their wife does not accept them. Or they’re only partially accepted or conditionally accepted. For some reason, it seems our society is just fine with a woman treating her husband this way. In fact, some see it as a way of her keeping him in line or getting what she needs. I doubt that works and I know it’s not biblical.

Does your husband have a good reason to think you accept him? If you’re not accepting parts of who he is, are you wrong about that? Are you in any way withholding acceptance to punish or control?

~ Paul – I’m XY, and being accepted is awesome!

A post worth reading:

Intimacy in Marriage | What Does Being Sexually Uninhibited Mean, Anyway? ◄ And how do you get there?

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She Brews

Around the Byerly house, I make the coffee. Aeropress hot, or cold brew blended. Lori really enjoys me serving her in this way.

Pour over coffee maker and mug

If your husband had not become your personal barista, why not become his? Bonus points for a special coffee mug for him.

~ Paul – I’m XY, and it’s eggnog as creamer season!!

♥ #CouplesQuestion: Who should you love today?

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The Power Of Sexual Words

What words do you use when you talk to your hubby about sex? Clinical? Childish? Innuendo? 

word cloud of sex words

You need to use words that you feel comfortable with, but realise your word choice does affect how he sees you and the sex he has with you. If you use words like “pee-pee” you’re not turning him on and you’re not asking him to treat you like an adult woman. If you can’t use words at all, it looks like you think sex is dirty and it makes it very difficult to figure out what you want. If you use scientific words he may feel sex is sterile and impersonal.

Most men like words that are seen as rude in polite company. These words feel more real, rawer, and more expressive of real sexual desire. If you can’t feel okay with such words, I get it, but I’d suggest thinking and praying about it. If you only use those words for sex, then they mean what you want them to mean and nothing else. 

~ Paul – I’m XY, and “Let’s copulate” is not a turn on sentence.

A post worth reading:

The Generous Wife | Talk Shorter ◄ Speaking of words…

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Coloured Glasses Much?

Your thoughts about your husband have more to do with your heart, your past, your wounds, and your selfishness than they have to do with what hubby is or is not doing.

Do you agree with that? Or does it make you angry? Or maybe both!

Smiling woman wearing blue sunglasses.

Lori and I have worked hard to be able to see when we’re doing this. I don’t mean when the other does it to us, that’s pretty obvious. What I want is to learn to know when I’ve just misunderstood or misjudged my wife based on my biases. I want to feel it when my response is inappropriate apart from being coloured by my past. Ideally, I want to be so aware of this so I can stop before I do it, but I can settle for realising I’ve done it and confessing that and asking for forgiveness in seconds rather than hours, or days, or never.

~ Paul – I’m XY, and if I can do it, so can you!

A post worth reading:

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