For His Own Good

Last December at my annual physical, my blood test came back with some odd numbers. At the time I was feeling great; better than I’d felt in years. But the test meant something might be wrong. 

It took a number of months to get a diagnosis of polycythemia vera. Basically, my bone marrow makes too many red cells, white cells, and platelets, and that’s a bad thing. There is no cure, but it’s fairly easily controlled. I am now considered controlled and I’m looking at a prescription, a monthly blood test, and having some blood removed every few months. I have no restrictions and other than my hands getting cold easily it does not affect me. It’s a minor inconvenience, nothing more.

However, I know another fellow about my age who was diagnosed with the same thing at the same time. But his had gone undiagnosed for much longer and because of that, he’s worse off. The condition is placing real restrictions on his life. The only difference is his went on for a long time before being diagnosed.

Doctor with stethoscope

My point in all of this is that my checkup saved me a lot of trouble down the road. I’d probably have gone a couple of years before the effect of the disease pushed me to see a doctor and those couple of years could have caused some real damage to my body. A check-up when I felt great was a very good thing for me.

I know men tend to be bad about going to the doctor, especially when they feel fine. For young and middle-aged guys in good health, this is not usually a problem. But for men fifty and older regular checkups can be life-saving. Things like high blood pressure, heart disease, diabetes, bowel and prostate cancer don’t give early warning signs. But they can be found early with simple tests and found early they can be treated or managed.

If you love your guy, if you want him around for a while, then push him to get checkups if he’s fifty or better and not doing them. Bribe him if you must, but get him checked!

~ Paul – I’m XY, and I’ve been checked!

♥ #CouplesQuestion: What one goal would you like to meet in the next month?

A post worth reading:

Intimacy in Marriage | How to Enjoy Sex Even if Your Adult Children Live With You ◄ Set a good example!

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A Decade Desperate For Water

When you got married you might have had some fear or concern about having sex. Or you might have been cautiously excited. Or you might have been really looking forward to it.

For your husband, the situation was different. He was unbelievably excited at the thought of regular sex.

Man in the desert.

If you married him right out of high school, he’d been dealing with his over the top sex drive for five or six years. But it’s common today for a man to struggle with his sex drive for a decade or more before he gets married. Even if he was having sex before he met you, it wasn’t enough. Studies find single guys have less sex than married men and have sex far less regularly. The bottom line is he was desperately horny for pretty much every waking hour between the onset of puberty and your wedding night.

And there you were, the always open all you can eat sex buffet! No more having to find or struggle to avoid porn, no more masturbating, no hooking up. He could have as much as he wanted as often as he wanted.

Except of course that didn’t happen. And it’s not your fault or wrong that it didn’t happen. His expectations were totally wrong and even if you were 100% sex-positive and exceptionally horny you could not have kept up with him.

What I want you to get from this is an understanding of why he was as he was. It wasn’t his fault any more than it was your fault. His wrong expectations seemed valid to him and all of his friends would have agreed. I’m not attacking you for being unable or unwilling to meet his expectations. Trying to do that would have created an unsustainable situation that would have eventually blown up. But I do want you to realise he was not being as insensitive as you thought. He was wrong, but he was wrong with good reason and a whole lot of pent up sexual frustration. And when you failed to meet his impossible expectations, it hurt him deeply.

If you get it, if you understand how he felt, why he felt that way, and why it was not his fault, then I suggest you have a discussion about it. You can be honestly sorry he got hurt even if you did your very best. You can forgive your hurt feelings and ask him to do the same. Then you can work to form a sex life that works for both of you.

~ Paul – I’m XY, and I was a walking erection the first few years of my marriage.

A post worth reading:

Her View From Home | My Husband and I Are On the Same Team and There’s No Room For Resentment ◄ Chipmunks notwithstanding.

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Busy Wife = Lonely Husband

Is your life so busy you rarely have time for your husband? I hear this often from men, especially if the couple has a couple of children. They understand the needs of life and children, but it feels they’re no longer wanted or needed by their wife. I’ve heard a number of men say “Once I gave her kids, she had no use for me.”

Miserable depressed husband sitting and thinking

This is not necessarily about sex. Some men say their wife provides a reasonable amount of “Are you done yet?” sex but otherwise has no time for them. Other men say she doesn’t have time for anything, sex included. Yes, he wants sex, but he wants and needs you for a lot more and no amount of sex will make up for a lack of time with him.

Aside from the fact it’s wrong to do this, it puts a man in a horrible place of temptation. A man starved of female attention is an emotional affair waiting to happen. A man starved of sex will find the call of porn very loud and very difficult to ignore. Yes, he needs to make the right choices, but the Bible warns us about putting others in a place of temptation.

Are you giving your husband the time he wants, needs, and deserves?

~ Paul – I’m XY, and being busy kills marriages.

A post worth reading:

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Hormones And Negative Thoughts

If you struggle with anxiety, it probably gets worse between when you ovulate and the start of your period. A study found women with generalized anxiety disorder have more negative thoughts during that phase of their cycle.

Woman struggling with negative thoughts.

If this is you or if you have other mood or energy changes due to your cycle, be kind and discuss these things with your husband. This also gives you the chance to affect his thinking about the issue.

Tell him about the struggles you feel. Tell him what he can do to help. And if you can, give him permission to ask “Are your hormones affecting how you feel about _______.” Explain that your hormones don’t make you feel things you don’t normally feel, they just make certain things stronger. That could mean something you normally overlook is hard to ignore. Or something that is usually a problem becomes a big problem. Explain that the fact your hormones colour something doesn’t mean it’s not real. But it does mean it would be wise to work through it after the hormonal edge has passed.

~ Paul – I’m XY, and menopause can be a wonderful thing!

♥ #Couple’sQuestion: What’s your personal life mission statement? Couple or family mission statement?

Resource: 

PsyPost | Study finds a link between increased negative thoughts and a woman’s time of the month

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I Want To Make You Come!

How would your husband respond if you looked him in the eye and said, “I want to make you come.”

Odds are he’d feel like this:

Man rejoicing!

If you do this, it’s a gift that is all about him. It’s a treat, it’s about his enjoyment. It’s showing him that you care about him and understand his sexual needs.

If you’re the lower drive spouse in your marriage, this will be especially well received. If you’re drive matches or surpasses his, do it when you’re not feeling like sex. Or have him watch you masturbate first as a warm-up.

~ Paul – I’m XY, and I dare you!

A post worth reading:

The Generous Wife | Make Room for Masculinity ◄ It’s a matter of respect.

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Does He Distrust You? Part 2

Two more trust-related things most men want more of in their marriage:

Feeling heard and appreciated

In part, this is about gratitude. It’s about being grateful for all the things he did rather than being all over the one thing he didn’t do. Of course, he should do what needs to be done because it needs to be done, but if you never thank him or don’t even acknowledge what he did, that’s wrong.

It’s difficult to feel trust for someone who clearly doesn’t appreciate you.

Pillar with "Trust" written on it.

Freely sharing thoughts and feelings

Most men want to share what’s going on in their hearts and their lives with their wife. But many have tried and suffered for it, so they stopped doing it. If he shares that he’s down or worried, do you push him away because you can’t deal with him “not being strong”? Why would he share with you? If he shares something you don’t like, is he going to pay for it later?

Sharing thoughts and feelings are generally more difficult for men than women. If past attempts have shown you can’t be trusted with his heart and mind, he will protect them,

If you missed part one – Does He Distrust You?

~ Paul – I’m XY, and trust should be a two-way road.

A post worth reading:

The Generous Wife | A Very Bad Moment ◄ It happens. What makes the difference is how we react.

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Does He Distrust You?

On her blog The Hero Husband Project, Lesli Doares did a post entitled 3 Reasons You Don’t Trust Your Wife. I thought her post was excellent and wanted to address those three things with you ladies.

Lesli’s post came out of a survey she did asking men the top three things they wanted in their marriages. She said the results, to have more intimacy and connection, to feel heard and appreciated, and to be able to freely share their thoughts and feelings were all matters of trust.

Street sign reading Trust and Mistrust

To have more intimacy and connection

I suspect this being the top result surprises some women. But I’ve seen this in surveys we’ve done and from other sources, so I think it’s valid.

The word “intimacy” there is not a code word for sex. Yes, it includes sex, but it means intimacy in general. Unless a guy is hard up, young, or just a jerk, sex apart from other forms of intimacy isn’t really something he wants. Besides, they can’t have enough sex to get all the connection they want. So they desire non-sexual intimacy. I’ve seen several surveys in which the majority of men said they wanted more cuddling.

And as with sex, you initiating non-sexual intimacy is important. Always saying yes when he wants to be with you is good, but if you never express a desire to spend time with him he starts to wonder if she wants to be with him.

This one is particularly difficult when you have young children. Yes, he needs to understand the cost of childraising on you, and yes he needs to help out. But if he works at those and you still don’t seem to have time for him, it’s going to hurt him a great deal.

I’ll cover the other two on Lesli’s list Wednesday. 

~ Paul – I’m XY, and I’m all about intimacy with my wonderful wife!

♥ #CouplesQuestion: What do you do that helps you experience God’s presence?

A post worth reading:

The Generous Wife | Water Your Potatoes ◄ Similar to the above.

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How Sexual Frequency Affects His World

Some of you ladies will read this and think “I’m like that”. Many of you will not. But the vast majority of husbands will find this is true for them.

How often you have sex has a profound and wide-ranged effect on your husband. It influences the way he drives, how he feels about his day, and how work goes.

Calendar with happy face stickers to indicate when sex occurred

A couple of specifics:

If you generally have plenty of sex, and a series of events means little of no sex for a week or more, that won’t be nearly as difficult for him as a week without when sex is normally infrequent. Part of it is his body not being horny to start with, but there’s also the reality that in the first situation he feels you understand and care about his sexuality and in the second he does not. That has a significant emotional effect. When he feels denied, every single “no” tears at him, even if he’s not “hard up”. When he feels cared for sexually, a “no” is far less of a problem and it’s not difficult for him to be reasonable and understanding.

If you have regular sex, his attitude about you and your marriage will be way better. If something bad happens between the two of you, it won’t be as hard on him and he will handle it better if sex is not a problem. On the other hand, if sex is difficult, any little relationship issue feels far worse than it is.

I would agree a man should do everything he can to avoid acting badly because of these things. However, I also know it’s how he is wired and he can only go against it for so long.

~ Paul – I’m XY, and feeling sexually cared for is a wonderful thing.

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