Getting Along

Over on The Generous Husband, I’ve been doing a couple of posts about conformity. In doing research I came across the following:

Men are, on average, more concerned about appearing to have high status and may be able to demonstrate this status by acting independently from the opinions of others. On the other hand, and again although there are substantial individual differences among them, women are, on average, more concerned with connecting to others and maintaining group harmony. Taken together, this means that, at least when they are being observed by others, men are likely to hold their ground, act independently, and refuse to conform, whereas women are more likely to conform to the opinions of others in order to prevent social disagreement. ~ Person, Gender, and Cultural Differences in Conformity

Cat and Dog playing together.

I’m all for getting along, but not at the cost of your integrity, sanity, or dreams. Sometimes what you want is worth a bit of fuss. And what is right is always worth more than a bit of fuss.

If your default is to back down and go along to get along, please do some praying about it. I don’t think that’s what God wants you to do all the time.

~ Paul – I’m XY, and I’m not a conformer. 

A post worth reading:

The Generous Wife | When Plans are Stalled ► Don’t lose sight of what you want to do, just find another way to do it.

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Your Busy Brain

Daniel G. Amen, MD has done a lot of brain imaging. He finds that women’s brains are more active in general. They are especially more active in the prefrontal cortex, which involves focus and impulse control, and the limbic/emotional areas, which are involved with mood and anxiety.

In men, the visual and coordination parts of the brain are more active.

Man and women with different brains

If you look at the differences, it explains a lot of how men and women react and behave. It does not force any behaviour, but it does make certain behaviours easier and more common. 

So give him a bit of grace, and ask for the same in return.

~ Paul – I’m XY, and my brain’s not like your brain!

♥ #Couples Question: What discourages you? What encourages you?

A post worth reading:

The Generous Wife | Cheddar or American? ◄ Different, not wrong.

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Don’t Blame Porn

The last couple weeks on both this blog and over on The Generous Husband, several women have said something to the effect of “I think men not getting the kind of sex they want is because of their porn use.”

I certainly can understand not wanting to be used to fulfil your husband’s porn fueled fantasies. But there are two big problems with this idea.

Phone with porn half hidden by bed sheet

  1. Most men spend a good deal of time thinking about sex. And this starts early. By the time you married him, he’d been imagining various ways of having sex for more than half his life. Even if he never saw porn, he’d have come up with virtually everything found in porn and then some.
  2. If you exclude every sex act found in porn, you can’t have sex. Even kissing can be found in porn. So when you say you won’t do what he’s seen in porn, but do some of what he’s seen, what he hears is that you will decide what is and is not allowed.

I’m no apologist for porn and I tell men to knock it off regularly. But refusing sex because he saw it or “must have seen it” in porn is bogus. And he knows it’s bogus and it just makes you look unreasonable in his mind. If you don’t want to try something, then don’t. Please don’t use porn as a scapegoat!

~ Paul – I’m XY, and I hate how porn hurts marriages!

A post worth reading:

calm. healthy. sexy. |  New Day, New Way – or, It’s Never Too Late to Start Something New ◄ You can change course today!

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We See What We Expect

I’ve been meaning to write about this. Then this morning’s devotional in Live in Grace, Walk in Love: A 365-Day Journey by Bob Goff had the following:

Because well-told stories are so powerful in our lives, it’s not surprising when we realize the stories we tell ourselves have tremendous power to shape us. If you tell yourself you’re a bad student, you’ll probably become one. If you convince yourself you don’t have enough time to help in the soup kitchen, you probably won’t. If you say to yourself you’re not fun to be around for long enough, you probably won’t be.

We tend to see what we expect to see. In fact, we tend to see it even when it’s not really there.

Expectations

You make an assumption about your husband, or about men in general, and then you see that because you expect to see it. What you think you see or hear, may not be there. Or it may be one of many ways of perceiving what he said or did.

It’s difficult to see past our expectations because they lock us into one way of thinking and seeing. But we can get outside of that and see reality if we work at it. And the rewards are great!

~ Paul – I’m XY, and I expect to get some push back on this! ;-)

TMB Newsletter!

Yesterday we sent out the second TMB Quickie, a monthly newsletter. It’s a quick read with links to various sexual information you might like. You can check out the April and May editions, and sign-up at the bottom of either.

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Problem Solving By Gender

Men and women don’t deal with problems the same way.

Man doing Rubik's Cube

According to Vanessa Van Edwards, lead investigator at Science of People:

Men tend to converge in their thinking. They define and clarify the problem, and begin by eliminating and isolating issues. Women often will define the problem in broader terms and examine a wider array of potential factors before going into solution mode.

And according to Barbara Annis and Richard Nesbitt authors of Results at the Top: Using Gender Intelligence to Create Breakthrough Growth:

Men tend to depersonalize and externalize issues or problems, giving them time to think through solutions, often in solitude. Women tend to personalize and are more inclined to talk through the issue to reach understanding.

While none of that is true for every man or woman, it accurately describes what I see most of the time. It explains some of the ways men and women deal with problems, and why you don’t like how he does it and why he gets upset about the way you do it.

Hopefully understanding the difference can make life easier.

~ Paul – I’m XY, and I certainly work to eliminate things when I deal with a problem.

♥ Couples Question: For what are you grateful?

A post worth reading:

Gary Thomas | One Woman’s Sexual Awakening ◄ Gary is dead on!

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The Kind Of Sex He Wants

At the end of last week’s Friday post, I promised to tell you how to make sex better for your man.

There was some discussion of this in the comments from a few men. There was also the suggestion that most men who don’t get the sex they want should blame their porn use. I’ll cover the porn issue next Friday.

Wife opening towel to show her husband her body.

The things most men say about making sex better are more sex, more variety, and the wife initiating.

More Sex

As I said last week, studies suggest this is not nearly as important as most men think. Way too little is a problem, but not quite as much as he wants is not usually as big an issue as the next two. 

With regards to more sex, don’t feel every sex act has to be all out and for both of you, unless that’s your desire. Quickies, handjobs, and blowjobs are all good ways to give him more sex than you want to have.

More Variety

This need not be as scary as it might sound. Try a few different positions. Invite him to spend five minutes on your breasts or sitting between your legs doing foreplay. Vary the when and where as much as your life allows. If you struggle because there is one way you get to orgasm, do those things but add some others before or after what you need.

Sex just for him is a great place to add some variety. A handjob on the couch during a long commercial break, a blowjob in the shower, or a quickie with you bent over the bed when you’re half-dressed for a date night.

Another form of variety is to tease him till he’s desperate for sex. This can be a lot of flirting and flashing, or feeling him up repeatedly for a few hours. Most men will be all about this once they know the teasing is always followed by pleasing.

Wife Initiating

This is the big one. And it’s a problem if you are like most women and don’t usually feel spontaneous desire. The easy way to deal with this is to say, “I’d like to be horny. Can you help me with that?” Most men would be thrilled to hear this. Those who don’t see that as “enough” are a major part of the problem, and perhaps they should be told that as lovingly as possible.

You can also signal willingness and let him take it from there. If you usually wear something to bed, show up naked. Or wear something clearly sexy to give him the idea. If necessary teach him that these actions are an invitation for him to arouse you,

The other way you can initiate is with things like quickies, handjobs, and other just for him sex. 

One Last Thing

Telling him sex was great for you does wonders for him. Many women seem shy to do this, and he really wants to hear it!

~ Paul – I’m XY, and you can do it!

A post worth reading:

Your Sex Zones & Her Sex Zones | The Generous Husband ◄ My TGH post for today is a long read, but it may help if what he wants and what you want sexually don’t line up well.

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Brain Differences

I ran across an article on brain differences in men and women and happily followed links for almost an hour. I’m going to do several posts on this topic.

A massive number of studies have found a significant difference in the male and female brain. Of course, there are individual variations, but for much of this, there is very little if any overlap. It’s not surprising our brains are different since they are shaped and modified by hormones. More testosterone results in a different brain for men and there is no way to change that fact.

Cognitive skills ability concept, male vs female. Young man and woman looking at bright light bulb isolated on gray wall background

One brain difference is the relative size of the hippocampus, which is larger in women. The hippocampus is where we store memories. This is why you remember details he doesn’t, and why he forgets things you recall. 

So don’t get upset at him and please don’t think his not remembering means he doesn’t care! His brain is optimised for other things.

~ Paul – I’m XY, and I have no idea what dress anyone wore ever.

References:

Two minds – The cognitive differences between men and women | Stanford University 
Male and Female Brains Are Not the Same | Multiplying Connections

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Men Like To Eat

I’ve always thought whoever said, “The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach” failed biology. However, most men do enjoy a good meal a great deal.

Happy man taking a severing of meat.

Men also tend to have a bit different preference from women in food, with meat being a big deal. In part, this is biological as there is growing evidence men need more protein per pound of body weight than women. 

I’m not suggesting you only cook what he likes and ignore your preferences. But do give his preferences as much weight as you give your own.

Another issue is getting enough food. When I was working landscape and irrigation in Texas, going to my mom’s house for a meal usually meant leaving less than full. I was burning twice as many calories in a week as she was, and she just could not or would not understand that meant I needed to eat more than most people.

If your husband is “always snacking” he may just need more food. Give men plenty of good food at meals and see if that reduced the snacks. If he’s overweight, there are plenty of ways to cook very good food with far fewer calories. It tends to take more time and costs a bit more, but it can be done.

~ Paul – I’m XY, and Lori never left me hungry!

♥ Couples Question: For what item would you be willing to stand in line for more than four hours to buy?

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