I sometimes hear a group of men talking about women. They all say pretty much the same thing and they back up what the others say. In the end, they have women all figured out. They know why women do what they do and what is wrong with women. And most of the time they are
dead wrong about the majority much of what they decide is the truth.
It’s the echo chamber effect. When you only talk to those who agree with you, you become convinced you’re right. When men only listen to what men have to say about women, they have no hope of getting it right.
Of course, women do the same exact thing. And the results are just as wrong.
That, of course, is part of why the blog exists. It’s also why I generally allow men to comment. I pray my posts and/or the comments will cause you to question some of what your echo chamber has told you is solid truth!
~ Paul – I’m XY, and I don’t need an echo!
♥ #CouplesQuestion: What world problem would you like to fix?
Last week I had minor abdominal surgery. It was for lipomas I’ve had more than half my life. They became painful when I lost a lot of weight. I had four groups of them removed.
So a couple of days ago I have 43 staples holding me closed. I have a drain hanging off my side. I can only lie down on my side with my legs pulled up. I’m in pain and I’m taking pain pills that probably are not compatible with sex. It was probably the least interested I’ve been in sex since puberty started.
And then, I saw Lori getting into the shower. Whatever I was thinking about vacated my brain. And while I knew I couldn’t do anything about it, she looked hot, and I wished I could do something.
This is the power a woman’s naked body has on her husband. It’s why being half dead is not enough to keep nudity from getting him going. This is how God made us. My suggestion is you celebrate this by being naked in front of hubby as often as possible. Even if he has neither the desire nor the ability to have sex, he will enjoy seeing you naked.
~ Paul – I’m XY, and I’m not dead!
I gotta tell you I get tired of folks telling me they’re too busy to do what it would take to improve, fix, or save their marriage.
If you don’t control your time who does? How did they get that power? Why do you let them continue to have that power?
The reality is “too busy” is a choice. I know this because it was my default choice for decades. I still have busy seasons and I still bite off too much from time to time, but I’m doing better. I suppose I’m a recovering busy person. It’s not always easy, but the results are certainly well worth it!
I realise this post it mostly going to mildly offend people. But if it makes a few of you see the truth and change, then I’m okay with that.
~ Paul – I’m XY, and I’m choosing to be less busy.
Men and women generally parent differently. I don’t think it’s a case of “not wrong just different”. I think our kids need both kinds of parenting in their lives to become the people God intended them to be.
If you routinely push back on how your husband parents, he may eventually just stop trying. And that’s not a good thing for your children. God gave your children a father for a reason and it was not just to make their mother twitch!
~ Paul – I’m XY, and grandkids are way better!
♥ #CouplesQuestion: Pick a person from your day. Put yourself in their shoes. What do they need?
This post spins off some comments on last Friday’s Adding Sex Toys post. A couple of men suggested women are sometimes, or often, or always, okay with sex that doesn’t include an orgasm. I’m going to discuss that on The Generous Husband on Saturday; feel free to come by and comment. Here I want to cover a tangential issue: You need to tell your husband what you want sexually.
With regards to orgasm, if you’re sometimes okay with sex without orgasm for you, then each time you have sex I suggest you tell him 1) I need to come this time, 2) I don’t need to come this time but retain the right to change my mind as we get going, or 3) I’m not sure if I will want to come this time.
Beyond that, you need to tell him how you want sex to be. If you want more foreplay, or less, tell him. If you want to slow down, or speed up, say so. If you want oral, tell him. Also, let him know when and how you want to orgasm. If he loses interest when he climaxes, tell him you need to be first. If you sometimes want to be last so you can just lie back and enjoy afterglow, tell him that. If once isn’t enough, tell him. If you’re dying to try something new with him or on him, speak up. If you’re bored silly of the same old position, say so.
I realise many women have been raised to think most of this is very unladylike. Please don’t let that stop you. The reality is sex will be better for both of you if you tell him what you want. There will probably need to be discussion and some give and take, but you need to know your sexual desires and pleasure are every bit as valid and important as his!
~ Paul – I’m XY, I think sex is for women too.
Are you already feeling the dread of another holiday season? By the end of the year, do you feel like that Grandma who got run over by a reindeer?
Doing way too much from Thanksgiving to January 1st is some sort of demented custom for many of us. We say, “Never again” every January, only to do even more the next year.
I don’t think this is healthy for our bodies or minds. It’s certainly not helping us worship the King of the season and it’s not teaching our children things we want them to believe. There are plenty of reasons to do way less this year. The only thing stopping us is peer pressure. If you set sane goals and stick to them you will probably offend some family and friends. Of course, some of those folks will secretly wish they had the courage to do less too.
~ Paul – I’m XY, and I want to do less and enjoy more.
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I recently rewatched Brené Brown’s Listening to Shame TED Talk. In the video, she mentions a man who asked her why she doesn’t talk about men and she said she did not study men. He said her advice to be vulnerable didn’t fit his reality. He said his wife and daughters would rather watch him die on top of his white horse than fall down. He said when men are vulnerable to the women in their life they get the sh*t beat out of them – by those women!
After studying men, Brown found most women can’t sit with a man in his vulnerability. I have seen the same thing in many, many couples. I’ve even seen it in my marriage, although that has changed. When I had my stoke I saw a hint of it from Lori. She chose not to act on it, but it was there.
Women expect men to be strong. They expect us to stand up to anything and keep going no matter what. They say we need to be vulnerable, but when we do it they react badly. It seems to scare a woman to think her husband is not able to deal with anything and everything. She needs him to be strong. She needs him to shrug off adversity.
Think about how this plays out in your life. How do you feel if your husband shows a hint of weakness? How do you act when he shows limits? Is what you expect of him right or fair? Is the way you treat him causing him to hide some of himself from you? Does it push him in unhealthy ways as he tries to live up to an impossible standard?
~ Paul – I’m XY, and I’m human too.
♥ #CouplesQuestion: What do you have in common with your spouse?
Some Christians are uptight about sex toys. I hear they are unnatural, to which I reply so are beds. I hear they interfere with intimacy. I can see how that could happen, but in my experience sex toys facilitate greater intimacy.
I figure sex toys are tools and what makes them good or bad is how they are used. Granted there are things you don’t want to use and some you don’t even want to know about, but you can pick and choose.
All that said, this post is not about convincing you sex toys are okay. This is about how you can add sex toys to your marriage bed if you would like to do that.
Some women worry that suggesting sex toys to their hubby will come across as saying he’s not a good lover. I’ve heard a few men worry about this, but it’s rather uncommon. The solution to this is how you approach it. Tell him you think sex toys could make sex even better for both of you.
Then there is where you shop for sex toys. Going into a secular brick and mortar shop can be more than a little uncomfortable. Lori and I are big fans of on-line shopping for sex toys. Our current fave is Married Dance. They have a good selection of toys without a lot of things you don’t want to know about. And with no nudity, it’s a safe place to shop with your hubby. (And, yes, we are an affiliate, but we only do that with companies we like!)
So what toy to start with? My suggestion would be a remote control bullet vibrator. It can be used on either of you and it can be put between your bodies during intercourse. It’s not phallic or otherwise “scary”.
~ Paul – I’m XY, and toys just make sex better.