The Opposite Of Nothing

So you’re with your husband and he seems distant. You get a lot of “uh-huh” and blank stares.

Man rebuilding an engine

So what’s going on in his head?

  • He’s rebuilding an engine.
  • He’s trying to figure out how to make some weird cuts in the flooring he’s putting down in the kitchen.
  • He’s building a fantasy football team.
  • He’s having sex with you on the table your sitting at right now.

Don’t make assumptions about his being somewhere else. And please don’t assume he’s mad at you! Because we tend to be single-minded, we can get lost in our thoughts easily.

~ Paul – I’m XY, and I’ve built our house in my mind a hundred times.

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Why Husband’s Lie

A few caveats up front:

  1. Lying is a strong word. Often it’s not as much lying as not telling the whole truth. 
  2. I am in no way excusing or justifying not telling the whole truth!
  3. Some guys lie to cover their own sins.

Often a man lies, or withholds part of the truth, because he doesn’t want to face the fight, anger, or withdrawal he feels he will get if he speaks up. The idea is “what she doesn’t know can’t hurt me!

"Lying" in dictionary

Sometimes a man is wrong about the reaction he will get, but sometimes he is correct. His knows from experience his wife won’t deal with certain things in a reasonable way, and withholding the information makes his life and marriage better.

Usually, there is a gradual slide from telling her most things to telling her almost nothing. Every time he adds something to the danger list he also adds a few other things he thinks might be a problem. And every time she gets upset, it confirms to him that being completely honest with her isn’t good for anyone.

If you want to know everything, be approachable. Don’t beat up the messenger, and make a point of thanking him for being honest.

~ Paul – I’m XY, and telling the truth shouldn’t hurt!

♥ Couples Question: How would you like to celebrate your 90th birthday?

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Don’t Let The Sex Die!

The coronavirus craziness is going to get in the way of sex. Too much togetherness, children underfoot, messed up routines, and fear can all put you off sex.

So, for your sake, your husband’s sake, and for the sake of your marriage, please be intentional about sex for the duration.

Married man and woman sleeping back to back and avoiding sex.

I am NOT asking you to just present your body for his use. I guess that’s better than nothing, but only just. Be clear with your husband what you need to be able to have sex. Try something like “I want to have sex with you tonight, but I need a break from the kids so I can enjoy it. Would you take them from 7 PM till they are in bed, and then come put me to bed?”

Beyond that, think outside the box. If you’re both at home, you can do morning sex. Or afternoon sex. If the kids are an issue, set them up with something to keep them busy and tell them, mommy and daddy need some time alone and not to knock unless there’s blood or fire. Yes, older kids will suspect you’re having sex, but that’s not a bad thing.

~ Paul – I’m XY, and sex reduces stress!

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Shouldn’t Be Necessary vs What Works

A while ago I suggested saying something to your husband. In the comments, a couple of you said it should not be necessary to say that.

I didn’t disagree with the statement, but I also find it irrelevant. I’ve seen both men and women get weird about this kind of thing. It’s like they want to punish their spouse for not knowing something they think he or she should know. How is that helping anyone?

Stop doing what does not work  advice or reminder - handwriting on a napkin with a cup of coffee

If an explanation helps, give it. If telling him something you think he should know makes life better for one or both of you, tell him.

BTW, the ugly stepsister of this is saying “If you don’t know, I’m not telling you” when he asks why you’re angry.

~ Paul – I’m XY, and I find communication helpful in marriages!

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Every Man Dreams of Being A Hero

Men are programmed to be protectors. It’s in our DNA. We want to slay the dragon and save the princess.

In our modern world, we don’t get many chances to be heroes, so we get our hero fix in our fantasies and thoughts.

Man showing his flack jacket through his suit on brick wall background

You’re at a restaurant having a nice meal, and suddenly your husband’s attention is not on you. Here is what might be going on in his mind:

That guy could have a gun. I need to watch him! If he makes a move, I’ll flip the table over and pull my wife and kids behind it. Then what? How far could I throw this steak knife? Or should I throw plates? I wonder if that metal tray would stop a bullet? Naw, nothing more than a 22, and who shoots up a restaurant with a 22? Maybe I should get a concealed carry licence. Or take a martial arts class…

Yeah, we have active inner lives. And most of us won’t admit these kinds of thoughts to our wives!

~ Paul – I’m XY, and there may be a female version of this, but I doubt it involves as much shooting and fighting, and has far fewer explosions.

♥ Couples Question: What interesting event have you witnessed?

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No, He’s Not Looking To Cheat

Some women seem to think all men are an affair looking for a place to happen. Aside from being incorrect, this is rude!

Yes, some guys cheat, but MOST don’t. In the past men were far more likely to cheat, but as women moved into the workforce this has changed and today it’s almost equal.

Man walking with wife and looking at another woman.

The reality is a lot of men have no desire/intention of cheating. Most men would turn down a blatant offer from a “hot” woman even if they thought they could “get away with it”. 

If you’re fearful about this and have never been given a good reason to think your man would cheat, I’m going to suggest your fear is about you, not him.

~ Paul – I’m XY, and I have the only woman I want.

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He Says What He Means

Usually, when a man says something, he means what he says. And more to the point, he means only what he says. 

Man talking into a can with a string

Don’t read between the lines or try to find a hidden message, because you’re likely to find something that’s not there.

When he says he’s tired, he’s tired. When he says he doesn’t want to go out, he doesn’t want to go out. When he says he doesn’t care, he doesn’t care. And so on.

~ Paul – I’m XY, and this is why he believes you when you say everything is fine! ;-)

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Nothing Means Nothing

I want to start by saying I have no personal experience with this one. I wish I did, but I don’t. However, I’ve talked to enough men who do experience this that I have no doubt it’s real and is most men’s reality.

Sometimes a man is thinking about nothing.

Man with empty head

As in nothing. As in no thoughts. His brain is in a holding pattern, and whatever proto-thought might have been there was lost when you ask him what’s he’s thinking because he really wasn’t entertaining any thoughts.

I know some women think men say this to cover for thinking something wrong. Frankly, that would show a total lack of creativity. If I wanted to cover up thinking something I should not have been thinking I could immediately launch into a very long-winded discussion of any number of things.

When he says he’s thinking nothing, he means nothing.

~ Paul – I’m XY, and I wish I could do that once in a while.

♥ Couples Question: You can invite anyone (from all of history) over for dinner. Who do you choose?

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