Would You Like…

If you asked your husband “Would you like to find me naked at the door when you get home?” what do you think he would say?

What if you went on to explain finding you naked was an offer that required him to provide enough foreplay so you can both enjoy the sex? 

Would You Like...

I bring this up based on a comment on last Friday’s post. I wonder if women tend to think that when men want their wife to be sexually proactive that requires 1) that she be horny, and 2) that she comes up with ideas on her own. Most men are okay with neither of those being in place. They would like both to be true, but not having one or both isn’t a deal breaker, so long as they know the parameters going in. Among other things that means letting him know if you’re ready to go, need some foreplay, or are doing it just for him.

If you want to explore this, I’d start by asking him a few “Would you like _____?” questions. Then once you’ve shown him you’re willing to really talk about it, ask him to suggest things he thinks he might like. Assume his initial suggestions are valid but that he’s holding back. If you do a couple of the things he mentions and then ask him again he should be more forthcoming. 

A few questions to get your thinking started:

  • How would you feel about being awakened with oral sex?
  • Do you think you would like spontaneous morning handjobs?
  • How would you feel about me jumping in the shower and washing your penis until you climax?
  • Would you like it if I presented myself naked and said “You have three minutes, go?
  • If I start doing something just for you and get horny, would you be willing to what I need to enjoy it too?

I realise some of you are on the other side of this, being the higher drive spouse. However, if your husband has expressed an interest in more sex than you desire, please consider finding some ways to sometimes do something just for him.

~ Paul – I’m XY, and I hate it when either spouse is sexually frustrated. 

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He’s No-one’s Puppet!

Many men are very sensitive (or hypersensitive) to manipulation. Any hint that you’re trying to control him or direct him may result in anger, withdrawal, or some other negative behaviour.

Usually, when a man is this way it’s because he’s been hurt by some woman who tried to control him. It may well have been his mother, or it could be a previous girlfriend. No one likes being controlled, and men seem especially resistant to it. 

Of course, the problem is when you feel like a nail, everything is a hammer. So a man sensitive to this may see control or manipulation when it’s not there, or when it’s very minor or not intended.

If your guy seems to be sensitive to this, be aware of what you say and do that might trigger him. If he does react, you might be able to resolve it by clarifying what you were doing. Phrases like “I’m not trying to tell you what to do” or “I’m just offering my opinion” might be a big help.

~ Paul – I’m XY, and my mom could be controlling.

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Permission To Party!!

A decade or so ago my wife came up with some birthday rules:

When you turn 50 you get to celebrate your birthday for a whole week. In your 60’s you get to celebrate for a month and at 70 it’s party all the time.

Permission To Party!!

We’ve kidded about this and done it some, but this year Lori really got into it. It’s been a joy to see her enjoying her life more for the last week. It’s amazing what happens when we give ourselves permission to enjoy life. In fact, giving ourselves permission can do all kinds of great things for us… and for our marriages!

Are you ready to give yourself permission?

~ Paul – I’m XY, and Iove seeing my wife happy!

Our New Survey asks about pain during sex

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Married Men’s Most Common Fantasy

Over on Quora, I answered the question “What is the most common fantasy of married men?” I thought it was worth sharing here.

Any guesses?

Married Men's Most Common Fantasy

I’m going to tell you the fantasy most men have all the time about their wife. But they don’t share it because they feel it can never happen. What’s more, they fear telling their wife about it would mess up their sex life with her.

What most men want, is for their wife to deeply enjoy and passionately pursue sex with them.

Answers like “A threesome” are a fall back because it seems slightly more likely to happen than what he really wants.

I realise that might seem lame or tame, but I know a lot of men who would take that over anything else they could imagine. Sadly many men long ago gave up any hope of that fantasy coming true. 

~ Paul – I’m XY, and my wife rocks!

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Stop Nagging!

Did the title of this post raise your blood pressure? Sorry about that, but it was sort of the point.

Nagging is one of those fighting words that men should remove from our vocabularies (along with games!).

Stop Nagging!

Some men use the word without really thinking about what it says about the person accused of nagging. Other men use it intentionally as a way to get their wife to shut up about something they don’t want to hear or don’t want to deal with. What’s more, I suspect much of what men call nagging is not really nagging. 

A reminder when he has apparently forgotten something is not nagging – unless it’s the third reminder in a short period of time. Asking for something you need him to do when his failure to do it is causing you problems is also not nagging, it’s letting him know his procrastination is hurting you.

As for real nagging, it often goes hand-in-hand with him being passive-aggressive. It’s a game for him. If that’s the case, don’t play. Tell him, remind him once, then let it go.

I know a guy who learned his lesson when his wife started hiring people to do jobs he kept putting off. That’s a pretty hard slap in the face, so “Shall I hire someone?” or “Next week I’m going to hire someone” would be a better way to go.

~ Paul – I’m XY, and yes I just accused men of playing games!

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