The more I talk to men, the more I hear the fear of being oversexed. This used to be something Christian men worried about, but among Millenials, I’m hearing it from men who didn’t grow up in the church. Of course, that means younger guys who grew up in the church get it twice as bad.
Men have been told over and over in a variety of ways that male sexuality is too much. We want it too often, we want things that are unacceptable, and if we don’t hold back our sexuality will be a burden on our wives.
Many Christain men are holding back sexually. Among men under 40, I’d bet it’s the majority. This means asking less often than he wants it, or not asking for certain things he’d like to try. It means giving hints that you can easily ignore, or saying “No big deal” to “Not tonight” when it actually is a really big deal. And, some men masturbate regularly to keep their sex drive “under control” so they don’t have to pester their wife too often.
You might think you would know if your husband is holding back. I suspect many wive’s of husbands holding back don’t have a clue. Some of these men ask more often than she says yes, but not nearly as much as they would like. Some are pretending to be happy with limited sexual variety when they would like way more. If a guy does this for years it becomes second nature. He’s not happy about it, but he’s accepted it’s necessary because he’s such a horn dog and it would be unfair to his wife to expect her to meet all his sexual desires.
I think a lot of men out there would give just about anything if their wife regularly grabbed their penis and didn’t let go until he climaxed. It could be something just for him or prolonged sex for both. If she starts it then he’s not a monster. If she just offers, he probably still feels the need to hold back; if she just does it he can relax and enjoy.
Make use of this as you see fit.
~ Paul – I’m XY, and I hate how guys get tied in knots about their sexuality.
Let’s talk interior decorating.
I’ve been in some homes that were very impressively decorated. Beautiful and perfect in every detail. But I was afraid to even sit down!
This is a classic form vs. function issue, and men generally come down strongly on the function side. I will readily admit we can lean too far into function with no concern for how things look, but a lot of women lean just as far the other way. Maybe this is why we have seen the rise of the man cave.
Find a reasonable balance in your home. Nice enough you feel good about it, liveable enough he feels good about it.
~ Paul – I’m XY, and slipcovers are evil!
Recently I did a lot of work on our truck and car. Routine maintenance stuff including oil changes, transmission fluid change in one, and brake work. My hands looked a lot worse than the fellow pictured here for several days.
When your husband looks like this, it’s understandable to worry he will make a mess in the house. If he’s proven he will do that then take preventative measures. Have orange hand cleaner and paper towels to hand him as he walks in the door.
But please see beyond the mess and thank him for the work he did. A bit of appreciation will make him feel good and it might actually increase the odds he will try to avoid making a mess.
~ Paul – I’m XY, and orange hand cleaner is a fantastic thing!
Most men like to be teased sexually. Many women don’t enjoy sexual teasing, so I suspect this is a desire most women have a hard time understanding.
Sexual teasing spreads sex out over a longer time period and guys like that. Teasing also gets his mind and his body going sexually, and he enjoys that. Aside from the fact that guys enjoy feeling horny, prolonged arousal makes the eventual climax better. Some men like a bit of teasing, while others enjoy being teased for many hours before sex finally happens.
All this said, there are two kinds of teases; the good tease and the bad tease. The good tease drives him crazy and then finishes what she started before he totally loses his mind. The bad tease gets a guy going and then fails to follow through.
Avoid Being a Bad Tease:
Most women who are guilty of being a bad tease probably have no idea they have done it and they certainly didn’t mean to do it. At some point during the day, she says or does something to get her husband aroused. She does this because she knows he likes it. She fully intends to have sex with him by the end of the day. Then something comes up and she forgets about sex, or she’s too tired or stressed to want sex. She probably doesn’t even think about it as they go to bed. Even if she’s aware of it, she has no idea how much he needs her to take care of him. It’s not just the need for physical release, it’s an implied promise she made when she intentionally got him turned on.
I can see how this information might make you think you shouldn’t tease your husband because it could end badly. But don’t let this keep you from doing something that will make him feel loved and special. One safe way to do this is to limit the teasing to the last hour or so before bed. By then you should know if you’re going to have the time and energy to put out the fire you’ve started. A safe option for more prolonged teasing is to determine you will do something for him even if the day goes badly. At the very least as you go to bed you tell him you had planned to do something special before the day went sideways. Then tell him you won’t leave him worked up and give him a handjob.
Be a Good Tease:
If you want to try this with your husband, start small. Or maybe I should say start short. Get him worked up an hour before you plan to have sex and see how he likes it. If he enjoys it, push the time back. Use trial and error to figure out how long he can enjoy being horny.
Also, experiment with teasing him to higher and higher levels of arousal. Does he want to be felt up a few hours before sex? Does he want you to take him to the edge of orgasm a few hours before, or several times during the day? Does he want morning intercourse without climax? Every guy has a limit on this and he probably doesn’t know where his limit is. If you help him find it and then play with it from time to time he will think you’re the most amazing lover ever.
Being a Tease and Getting Yours:
Some women get turned on by teasing their husband, some don’t. Even if the teasing isn’t arousing, the sex involved may be. If you want sex by the end of the teasing, you certainly should get what you want. Let his pleasuring you be the last round of teasing. If you want something special, ask for it. He should be primed to do pretty much anything you want.
~ Paul – I’m XY, and I apologise to my male readers for what this post did to them.
This weekend I will be away at a men’s retreat. It’s at a very nice Young Life camp in the middle of nowhere. No cell service, no Internet, no radio. If the world ends while I’m gone I won’t know about it till we drive out on Sunday.
Most men have a desire that’s close to being a need to spend occasional time “In the Wild”. How we each define the wild varies, but the call is usually there.
Some guys want to go alone, man against nature. Some want to go with other men. Some would love to go on a nice hike or camping trip with just their wife. Many would enjoy more than one of those.
Learn what the call of the wild means to your guy and encourage him to live out that desire. If he’d like you to join him, make an effort. If it’s just not your thing, tell him to go enjoy himself and that you will give him a special reunion when he gets home.
~ Paul – I’m XY, and my wonderful wife thinks RVing by the lake is the wild.
There have been times in my life when prayer was the last resort when everything else had failed. Of course, that’s both wrong and unwise, but it still happens.
Do everything you can to make prayer your first resort.
BTW, if you aren’t sure how to pray for your hubby, try the following. (The male version of this was the very first post on The Generous Husband seventeen plus years ago.)
Try praying for your husband based on the first letter of the day:
- Sunday pray for his Spiritual walk.
- Monday pray for his Moods and Mental health.
- Tuesday pray for his Thought life.
- Wednesday pray for his Weaknesses to be healed.
- Thursday pray for his Time usage.
- Friday pray for his Friendships.
- Saturday pray for his Sexuality.
~ Paul – I’m XY, and I sure do pray for my wife!
Over on TGH today I talk about a couple’s counsellor who says “…if you fix the sex, the relationship transforms.” This is a radical thought for many, but I think there’s a lot of merit to it. You can read my thoughts on this over on TGH if you like. Here I want to talk about being sure sex is good for you.
If a good sex life is important for a good marriage, then that means the sex has got to be good for both spouses. If you’re not enjoying sex, that’s bad for your marriage. It hurts both of you and it puts you at an increased chance of ending up divorced.
I realise some women have never wanted or enjoyed sex. If that’s you, I suggest you check out my friends Bonny and Chris. Do it because your marriage needs it. And do it because once you get through it you will be really glad you did!
Others of you want sex and want to enjoy it, but your husband either limits sex or is unwilling to give it the time and effort necessary to make it good for you. So you have accepted sex-mostly-for-him as the best you will get, or what you need to do to keep the marriage going. I’m suggesting to you that accepting poor sex is actually harmful to your marriage. It might keep the peace, but it’s eroding your relationship. On the other hand, if you fix the sex, your relationship might be transformed!
I realise suggesting you buck the status quo is asking you to take a risk. It will be difficult at first and there’s no guarantee you will succeed. However, if the road you’re on leads somewhere you don’t want to go, the sooner you work to change roads the better.
~ Paul – I’m XY, and I think sex is far more important them most of us realise.
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I’m usually against game playing in marriage, but today I’m going to suggest you do exactly that.
Play cards, or a board game, or dominoes, or a dice game, or whatever else you both like. Choose a game with some skill or one that’s random chance, depending on what works for you. If you find a game you both like and play it often, it becomes a couple activity that brings you together. Lori and I play Farkle most days, and I enjoy it even though I’m sure she cheats.
If you need to find a game, my wonderful wife has a great list suggested by her readers.
~ Paul – I’m XY, and my wife once cheated at strip Skip-Bo!