As we were driving to Texas, Lori read The Queen’s Code to me in the car. It’s an amazing book I recommend with a caveat – see below. A work of fiction, the book is a grandmother teaching a couple of women the secrets the women in her family have learned about men over many generations.
One of the premises of the book is that
many most almost all women routinely castrate men emotionally. They do this because they think it makes them safe and keeps men in-line. The author suggests that what it actually does is causes all kinds of problems, most of which come back to bite women.
If you’ve never done this, you have certainly seen it. I see it all the time, and the worst cases are women doing it to their husband. A whole lot of women belong to “the castration club, ” and they think what they are doing it right, or at least necessary.
As a man, I know how it feels to be on the receiving end of emotional castration. It might get a woman what she wants in the moment, but it hurts her standing with the man. He cares for her less. He has less desire to protect her or to provide for her. It makes him angry, and it gives him internal justification for all kinds of things the woman won’t like.
If you’ve been doing this to your husband, you’ve been hurting his love for you and you’ve been tearing your marriage apart. The good news is if you stop doing it he will notice the change and react positively.
Caveat: The Queen’s Code is not a Christian book, and one character has non-married sex towards the end. We don’t “see” the sex, but we know it happened. I think the good things in the book are worth over-looking the bad. You need to make the choice that is right for you.
~ Paul – I’m XY, and my wife is totally a queen!
Apparently emptying of the trash, or failing to do the same, is a common marriage problem.
There are a whole lot of issues wrapped up in this, but one of them is a very real gender difference.
For a man, the trash is full when he had pushed it down till it no longer compresses, and then he’s added things on top till it’s about to fall over. This is how we do it. It’s how we did it when we were single, and it’s how we keep doing it when we’re married. So when you tell him the trash is full and he knows he could push it down at least half way, he wonders what’s wrong with you.
You could call him lazy or selfish, or tell him his way is wrong, but those won’t help. It might get him to take out the trash, but it won’t get him to “do it without asking” and it won’t do your marriage any favours. You could decide to wait for it to get full by his definition, but that’s going to cause you frustration, and that’s not good for your marriage either.
So how about this: When you want the trash emptied, ask him to do it. Don’t tell him it’s full, don’t complain he never does it, just ask him if he would do it for you. “I’d appreciate it if you would take the trash out for me” is a great way to address this.
~ Paul – I’m XY, and I’m a human trash compactor!
♥ #CouplesQuestion: What small thing irritates you? Is there a practical fix?
Image Credit: © Nomad_Soul | stock.adobe.com | pixabay.com
Shop Amazon ♦ Shop to give links page
We’re donation supported Thanks for your help!
This post may contain affiliate links, see my disclosure for info.
This is one of two posts on this issue. The other is over on The Generous Husband. Here I’m going to talk about the pain sexual refusal causes the refused. On TGH I’m talking about the pain the refuser feels. If you are the refused, I suggest you check the other post.
Those who often say no to sex generally try to make the issue about the physical aspects of sex. This makes it easier to call their spouse selfish, making it all about their desire for endless physical pleasure.
The truth is the pain caused by insufficient sex is primarily emotional. This is just as true for men as it is for women. Men tend to make more noise about their physical distress, but that’s because men are not as in touch with their emotions, are less willing to discuss their emotions, and may lack the words to express their emotions. So “I’m horny and I need you to do something about it” is easier than “I’m starved for intimacy with you, and deeply hurt that you don’t care about me.”
Sex connects people, and for men, sex is a major if not their primary way of feeling connected with their wife. Without regular sex, most men don’t feel connected, and nothing else can take the place of sex for this. And then not feeling connected makes it difficult for him to provide the things she needs.
While having sex doesn’t prove you love him, not having sex proves you do not. Women usually have more pathways to feeling connected, but sex is on the list, and for some it’s very high on the list. Refusing to provide a woman with the sex she wants will say “I don’t love you” to her. You can reject this truth, but that won’t change it. If only you can do something for your spouse’s wants and needs, and you don’t do it, how can they feel you love them?
If your spouse wants more sex than you’re having, you have a problem, and the problem is not that he or she is oversexed!
Low sex kills marriages. It’s a slow lingering death, and often the refuser takes the slowness as an indication it’s okay. The refused spouse usually grows quiet and distant until they stop caring. Then they leave emotionally if not physically.
~ Paul – I’m XY, and I’ve heard both men and women express great pain over being refused.
The subtitle of this blog is “Decoding the Male Mind”. That suggests there is an order and reason to what men think and do.
The difficulty here is you are a woman. You have a female mind with female thoughts and reasoning. Your husband is not a woman, and he neither thinks nor reasons like a woman. Because of this, he questions your logic and you question his sanity.
Men and women have different priorities, concerns, and goals. Even when one part of that is the same, such as a goal, the reasons behind the goal and the logical steps to filling the goal are going to be different.
What if how he thinks is not broken or stupid? What if he is not actually motivated primarily by selfishness? What if his thinking is reasoned and valid, given the fact he is a man? What if his reasons for doing certain things are actually good reasons in his reality? What if his reasons for not doing certain things makes perfect sense in his reality?
And what if you started to assume he had valid reasons for what he does? How might that change your marriage?
If you want to get really radical, ask him to explain the good reason he has for doing something. If he thinks you’re asking to learn, rather than to judge, he might just open up.
~ Paul – I’m XY, and I assume women have good reasons for what they do, despite how it may look to me!
Ask your husband “What is one thing you don’t understand about me?” Give him time to think and then say all he wants to say. Listen carefully and don’t interrupt unless you don’t understand. Then give him the best explanation you can for what he doesn’t understand about you.
After you have explained, ask if you can tell him one thing you don’t understand about him. If he says yes, tell him, then give him all the time he needs to come up with his answer. Again, don’t interrupt unless you don’t understand.
~ Paul – I’m XY, and understanding is possible!
♥ #CouplesQuestion: You want to take your spouse on an adventure. What’s the adventure?
This post is primarily for you ladies who can’t get as much sex as you want from your hubby. If your husband wants more sex than you feel you can manage, see the bottom of the post.
I am convinced one of the biggest reasons couples don’t have regular sex is lack of time. They’re too busy to connect, or too tired by the time they can connect. This doesn’t stop most young men, but as a guy gets older his raw drive decreases, and eventually busyness, stress, and tiredness may be enough to keep him from having sex with his willing wife.
Some of these men are just going without, most are taking care of it themselves now and then. I know that’s difficult for women to understand. If a guy doesn’t have time for sex but feels horny, he can take care of that need in a couple of minutes and move on with his life. It’s not nearly as good as sex with his wife, but if he feels too busy or too tired for sex with his wife, masturbation may seem the best or the only option. (I’m splainin’ here, not excusing.)
The ultimate solution to this problem is to help hubby be less busy. That’s a difficult and long-term goal at best. So what can you do that will make a change NOW? There are things you can do, but they are risky because most of them set you up for “failure”. Try to see it as multiple attempts, and if any of them succeed that’s a good thing.
I’m sure the last three are scary for many women, but they serve a bigger purpose than just having an orgasm then and there. It shows your husband sex and sexual release are really important for you.
Women have been taught sex is for men, or primarily for men. They have been told they don’t need it, or don’t feel the need as strongly as men. They have also been told it’s not a big deal if they don’t orgasm every time. The truth is God gave you a sex drive and He intends for your husband to care for that. Please don’t be shy about helping your hubby understand and do that.
I realise a lot of this sounds unfair, and most of it is. But you either take action or live with things they way they are. Most of the above shows him sex really matters to you and he needs to know that. He’s been fed the same lies you got, so he may not know how much you need him to make love with you.
Ask yourself if being too busy and/or too tired is part of why you don’t say yes as often as he would like. It probably isn’t the only reason, and it may not be the biggest reason, but if it’s a factor you should deal with it. Sexual frustration is not a minor thing and it’s not unreasonable for him to want sex multiple times a week. If you keep saying no it will cause him to have negative feelings about you and it will diminish his love for you.
~ Paul – I’m XY, and I want couples to have a lot of sex!
It’s natural to set goals at the start of the year. It’s also natural to set goals we can’t possibly reach. The solution to this is to set S.M.A.R.T. goals
If you make smart goals, you have a much better chance of achieving your goals.
~ Paul – I’m XY, and I’ve set a lot of dumb goals in the past.
Last week I asked you what you would like your marriage to look like a year from now. Today I want to ask what your husband would like your marriage to look like a year from now.
Of course, you can’t know that unless you ask him, which is the point of the question. Why not ask him, and give him a few hours or a day to think about it. Then listen carefully. Don’t argue what he says, don’t tell him why it can’t happen, just listen. Then ask him to listen while you tell him what you would like.
~ Paul – I’m XY, and communication is a good thing!
♥ #PrayerPrompt: Ask God to help you find books that will help you grow in 2019.