This Sunday is “Super Bowl Sunday”. I must admit I only know this because it’s always the Sunday after our anniversary. If you don’t care any more than I do, but your husband is a typical man who finds this a very important day, please let him have the day. Ask what you can do to make it great for him. Sit and watch if he wants that or find something else if he doesn’t expect you to watch.
I don’t think it would be horrible to tell him you’re giving him the day and would love to have a nice date night in return in the next week or two. Or try for a Valentine’s night out.
On the other hand, if neither you nor your guy cares about the game, it’s a great day to go out as long as you avoid any restaurant with TVs. And do check to see if they are open, some places close for part or all of the day.
~ Paul – I’m XY, and apparently, the Seahawks didn’t make it this year.
When Lori and I got married 35 years ago today, there were plenty of unknowns and several problems already evident. I knew we would have a struggle, but I never doubted we would make it. We had three things going for us: God, my desire to make it work, and Lori’s integrity.
Integrity is an awesome thing. It causes us to do what’s right even when we don’t want to. It pushes us to dig and heal even when doing so hurts. It drives us to keep going even if it feels hopeless.
My wife is a woman of integrity. She always has been and she always will be. And I am most blessed to be her guy.
~ Paul – I’m XY, and yeah, I’m bragging on my wife!
♥ Couples Question: What do you do that you feel good about?
From time to time I hear a women claim her sexuality is like that of a man. And they are wrong.
They may have a stronger sex drive than most women. They may be less inhibited than most women. They may be able to have sex with no emotional connection or when most women would be too tired to care. But their sexuality is not like that of a man.
When I hear women talking about their male-like sex drive what I hear is not what men say. It may be closer than what most women say, but it’s not the same. Men don’t have a cycle that changes our sex drive during the month. Women don’t respond to nudity as fast and significantly as men do. And women don’t feel a massive bulge in their pants when they get good and horny.
What is “normal” for female sexuality is a mess, and I can certainly understand wanting to identify one’s sexuality in some other way. But when a woman claims her sexuality is like that of a man she looks clueless to men and makes God a liar.
Healthy female sexuality is a wonderful thing. Embrace that and help others get to the same place. Leave male sexuality for the men!
~ Paul – I’m XY, and I tried and failed to soften this little rant.
“Unsustainable” is a common word these days. I’d like to apply that word to marriages.
An unsustainable marriage is one that is headed for disaster. It might look great right now, or it might not, but if things continue as they are there’s significant trouble down the road.
The problem is we don’t tend to project things into the future accurately. We don’t properly calculate the growing problems caused by bad behaviour and poor choices. We forget tolerance for things drops with time or we think we can keep getting away with something forever.
If you accurately project your marriage into the future, how does it look? What seemingly minor issues of today are going to be big problems in a few years? What failures or shortcoming of today could destroy your marriage in a decade?
~ Paul – I’m XY, and I know unsustainable can become something better!
What we believe about marriage shapes our marriage. Aside from shaping us, it influences what our spouse does.
Have you ever wondered why some women put up with a husband who beats them or repeatedly cheats on them? It’s very simple: they believe they deserve it or believe it’s normal.
If a woman comes from a family where domestic abuse is the norm, she is likely to dislike it but will put up with it as part of what it means to be married. The same is true if a woman thinks having her sex organs on the inside makes her a second class person. We accept things we don’t like if we believe they are right or inevitable.
Part of this plays out before marriage. If a woman thinks her job is to cater to a man’s needs, she will attract men who expect that. If she feels a she is just as good as a man, she won’t tend to attract men who think otherwise. But it also works after marriage. If a woman keeps putting herself in a certain position in the marriage, her husband will gradually accept that as who she is even if he didn’t think that way about women when they married. Some men will fight this, but it’s difficult.
So ask yourself honestly, how much of what you don’t like about your marriage did you invite? It’s a painful question and an honest answer will take a lot of bravery on your part.
If you have invited things you don’t like, change will take significant effort. First, you have to change your thinking. Then you have to work on hubby. Be honest and tell him you have invited or put up with certain things because of a wrong understanding of what God says about men and women. Then start a conversation about the issue(s).
~ Paul – I’m XY, and my wife is NOT a second class ANYTHING!!
♥ Couples Question: Who is the most courageous person you have ever met?
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How do satisfaction with your marriage and your sexual desire interact?
Men tend to say good sex makes marriage better. Women are more likely to say a good marriage improves sex. A recent study seems to have answered the question. Declines in women’s sexual desire, but not men’s, predicted declining marital satisfaction for both spouses. On the other hand, the study did not support the idea that declining marital satisfaction predicted a drop in sexual desire.
There are a lot of questions as to the why of this, but if it’s valid it means the wife’s sexual desire is important to keeping both spouses satisfied with their marriage. To put it simply, lower desire on the part of the wife should be seen as a warning sign.
One other result of the study was that a drop in a wife’s desire didn’t immediately change the frequency of sex. This would mean women continue to have the same amount of sex even as they want less. This could mean the husband has no idea she is less interested.
Given this issue affects satisfaction with your marriage for both of you, it’s something that needs to be discussed.
~ Paul – I’m XY, and YOUR desire matters.
Have you ever been “looking for a sign” and then poof, there it was?
I suppose this is human nature, but it’s a rather dangerous way to live.
I’m not saying God doesn’t give us signs. But blindly accepting a “sign” as God’s will is a really good way to make a big mess of your life.
One of the problems is we tend to steer things without realising we do it. So if we want a certain “sign” we will do things to increase the chance of seeing that sign. We also tend to see what we want to see and overlook what we don’t want to see. So we can easily overlook what God is saying and accept something else as being from Him when it’s not.
Don’t ever act on a sign without prayer and seeking wise counsel. And don’t seek that counsel from people who you know will agree with you!
~ Paul – I’m XY, and following signs is a bad way to live.
Although I rarely hear women say “All men are ______”, I see women acting as if that is so. Lori and I deal with women who expect their husband to cheat on them or hurt them or leave them because multiple men in their past did those things. And often there is no hint the guy would ever do what she thinks he will do.
Sometimes women like this actually do things to push their husband to do what they expect him to do. We’ve also seen women file for a divorce so they won’t be the victim of what they think he’s going to do.
I see this as failing to let go of the past. It’s letting her past control her future and it’s 100% about fear. It’s not fun digging up the past so you can deal with it, but in the long run, it’s less painful and destructive for you, your husband, and your children.
~ Paul – I’m XY, and I want to see you set free from your past!
♥ Couples Question: What has been the highlight of your week? Low point?