Pornography is a problem that touches most marriages, and it is getting worse rapidly. Many women don’t understand why their husband is so drawn to porn, or why it’s so hard for him to stop. I’m going to take a couple of posts to discuss this and other things about pornography. (If you want to see what I have said to men about porn, check this recent Generous Husband post).

First and most important, I want you to know your husband’s porn use is not about you. I know it feels it is, and maybe he has told you it is “your fault”. I recently had a “discussion” in the comments of another blog where a man informed me, “porn would cease to be on the radar IF wives would do what this website says they should do…HAVE SEX WITH THEIR HUSBANDS.”

His statement is false. I can say this with confidence because I know how widespread male porn use is prior to marriage. We did a survey on this last year, and the numbers were sad. Among men younger than 45, only 23% said they had either seen no porn or just a little porn prior to marriage.

And, they’re not just looking. Among the men under 45, 56% said they masturbated to porn more than 100 times while single, and 35% said more than 500 times. When so many men go into marriage with a clear porn problem, how can anyone say it is the wife’s fault if he continues using porn after he gets married?

I have talked to a number of men who hoped getting married would end their porn use. At best, it keeps them from porn for six months, and most don’t make it that long. The reason for this is that porn and sex are not the same thing – more on that tomorrow.

There are husbands who use porn despite having all the sex they want with their wife. There are husbands who choose porn over a willing wife. Porn use is not about a man’s wife, his marriage, or his sex life. I know plenty of men who want to use these and other things as justification or excuses for their porn use, but that doesn’t make it true.

Please know it’s not you, it’s him. Understanding that should make it hurt a bit less, and it will improve your chance of doing something about the issue.

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