Does it ever seem your husband must be trying to upset you? Maybe he is.

A study found that some men intentionally try to anger an opponent in order to improve their chance of winning a conflict. They rarely do this when the conflict is physical, saving the strategy for more mental competitions. This makes sense, as anger can result in greater physical strength, while reducing mental performance. 

The study looked at men with other men, but I would expect a “winning strategy” to be used beyond conflicts with other men. It would be nice to think no man would use this against his wife, but I doubt that is the case.

I suspect this sometimes happen without the man intentionally doing it. If it has become an automatic way of winning an argument, he might do it unknowingly. Men might also intentionally use this trick when they feel outmanoeuvred by their wife. Women are generally much better at communication, and maybe some husbands see this as a way of evening the odds. 

The reality is, you’re at a disadvantage if he’s made you angry. If you learn to ignore his attempts to upset you, great – but he does know all your buttons! If you feel yourself getting angry, the wisest choice is to withdraw. Tell him you’re getting angry, and you don’t want to argue or make decisions while you’re angry. Arrange to revisit the issue soon, and ideally set a specific time. (Side note, it takes at least 20 minutes to calm down once you become angry.)

If getting you angry just ends the discussion, he might give up on the strategy. Of course, he might also decide to use it to end discussions. If he keeps doing it, I would suggest you point it out to him. If that doesn’t bring about a change, it may be time to get some third-party help.

~ Paul – I’m XY, and I’m afraid I’ve done this. 

[This post first appeared Jan 20, 2014.]

A post worth reading:

PsychCentral | How Long Does the Fight or Flight Reaction Last? ◄ Information on what it takes to calm down.

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