How He Feels About His Marriage

Today is the second checkpoint survey for the men taking my Marriage Upgrade Challenge. Below are the average results of the 271 men who took the first survey. A low number means the area is a problem, a high number means it is not a problem. The range is zero to six.

Results © Stuart Miles |

4.9 My love for my wife
4.6 How hopeful I am that my marriage is going to get better 
4.1 My attitude about my marriage
4.0 My treatment of my wife
3.8 My marriage overall
3.6 My wife’s treatment of me
3.3 How loved/respected I feel by my wife
3.3 Arguments/fights
3.2 How often I’ve been mad/frustrated with my wife
3.1 How I handled my anger/frustration
2.4 Sexual satisfaction
2.1 Sexual frequency

The first two are very encouraging – the men strongly love their wives and have great hope for a better marriage. These two probably do not reflect husbands as a whole, but rather those who are willing to work on their marriages. 

It is interesting that, as a whole, the men feel they treat their wife better than she treats him (4 vs 3.6). Outside of sexual issues, which I expected to be the biggest complaints, men put how they deal with their own anger and frustration as the worst problem, closely follow by how often they feel mad or frustrated with their wife.

As long as I am reporting on surveys, here are some bits from the XY code reader survey I took recently. With 146 responding:

70% Female
30% Male

1% Under 25
25% 25-34
24% 35-44
36% 45-54
14% 55 or older

Marriage Status:
1% Living together
1% Engaged
1% Separated
1% Divorced
3% Less than a year
5% 1-2 years
10% 3-7 years
21% 8-15 years
29% 16-25 years
27% 26 or more years

How often do you attend a religious service (including small groups, bible studies, etc.)
7% Less than once a month
3% Once a month
12% Two or three times a month
47% Weekly
31% More than once a week

 Comments and Questions:

  • My question is I have made an effort to never say no when my hubby asks for sex[…] but it doesn’t seem to be enough for him unless I fully enjoy it too. Why does he have such a hard time accepting that I am totally fine giving to him some times (ok maybe most times) with out getting anything in return? Wouldn’t most guys love that?
  • Would like for you to address addiction, specifically drug addiction & the effects on the abuser and their families.
  • One of the things that I personally have been struggling with in my marriage is that I feel a lack of attention from my husband. [Most of his time with our sons doing guy stuff.]
  • Need to drive more folks towards it, need a bigger audience with more comments.
  • I would love to get some help in the self-esteem dept [for my mister mom husband].
  • Why is he soooo hesitant to ask for help [or directions] when he is unsure of how to do something?
  • I would like to know how to get my husband to be interested in reading these types of blogs, or to get him to want to participate in a marital study together.
  • It feels like a disservice when you put out a long explanation of why guys are a certain way, and then you say, “but I’m not that way”.
  • I would love to understand why my husband tends to “lecture” when a question is asked of him. He does not seem to be able to give a short answer, or say “yes or no”
  • Paul, you commented on your first post in October, “We will limit comments from men – sorry!” So, you’re telling my wife what and how I think and I don’t get a vote? That doesn’t seem fair.
  • Seems as though you really give men excuses for why they do things, trying to make it ok for things.
  • What do men think about women who don’t cook?
  •  How about putting it all together, condensing and writing a book in the future?
  • Curious what drives your topics? Just going with what you think of?

As to that last one, there are various sources, including your comments and emails along with what I see and read daily.

 ~ Paul – I’m XY and I really like surveys and statistics.

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One Comment on “How He Feels About His Marriage

  1. I’m interested in hearing your perspective on numbers 1, 7, and 9 as well!

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