Sacrifice in the Marriage Bed

Earlier this month I wrote a post with the same title for The Generous Husband. This is the wife’s version.

I cannot find a study on mid-life sex drive increase in women, but I am seeing more articles on the subject*. Many women proclaim they are having the best sex of their lives in their forties, fifties, or older.


  • Hormones: Changes in hormones often result in an increased sex drive starting between the mid-thirties and mid-forties.
  • The Kids are Older: She is not exhausted by caring for kids. Neither is she worried about a little knock on the door at the worst possible time.
  • More Confident: About herself, her desires, and her relationship.
  • Less Inhibited: She feels less uptight/guilty/unsure about sex.
  • Better Understanding: Of her body/sexuality and her marriage.
  • Able to Ask: She has a better idea what she wants, and she is not afraid to ask for it.
  • Body Image: Middle-aged women tend to be less hung up about living in an imperfect body.

Confident © Bidouze Stéphane |

I cannot promise, but if you are under 35, there is a good chance you will find yourself more interested in sex as you grow older. Lori and I hear from middle-aged women who want more sex than their husband is willing or able to provide. In a few short years these women go from saying, “Is that all you think about” to “It’s been two days, I need to make love with you!”. If her sex drive goes up and he is willing and able to match it, everyone is happy. If her drive goes up and he starts saying no to sex, they are both frustrated.

Why would a man not jump at the chance for more sex? When we dig, we often find she refused him sexual frequency and/or variety for the first part of their marriage. When this happens for too long, a man stops asking as much. He finds other ways to deal with his sexual energies, be it porn, masturbation, his job, or fishing. When his wife starts wanting more sex, he may not be willing to risk it – she might change her mind and he could be hurt again. He might not be willing to give up what he is doing in place of sex. He may feel like getting back at her – showing her what it feels like (we’ve had a couple of men confess this to us or their wife.) It is also possible years of infrequent sex activity have reduced his drive. Younger men can easily increase frequency, but this becomes more difficult as a man passes his mid-thirties.

If you want to keep him willing and able to give you the sex you will want in the future, you need to act now. See his sex drive as a use it or lose it thing and use it enough to keep him primed for awesome mid-life sex. Say yes when you have no desire so he will be willing to say yes when you are crazy for sex. Do him by hand or mouth so he will be able to do you as much as you want a decade from now. Invest now so your marriage is not sexually bankrupt when you are older.


  • British Health Plus Magazine surveyed 2,000 women over 40 about sex. Seventy-seven percent said they were enjoying sex more in their 40’s than ever before. Additionally 82% said sex was more important to them now than in the past. Sixty-nine percent felt more sexually adventurous than when they were younger, and 45% said their sex drive was stronger.
  • In a survey done by The Oxygen Network, women in their 40’s wanted to have sex more often than younger women.
  • Research done at Indiana University found women are more likely to orgasm as they get older. Asked about the last time they has sex, 61% of women 18 to 24 said they orgasmed. For women in their 30’s it was 65%, while women in their 40’s and 50’s reported 70%.

~ Paul – I’m XY and it just keeps getting better!

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5 Comments on “Sacrifice in the Marriage Bed

  1. One British study I read (and now I can’t find to reference) found testosterone can be ‘unmasked’ during peri-menopause. That would explain why the drive goes up with the change in hormone levels.

    As a marriage grows older, relational issues are, hopefully, ironed out. I would think sexual compatibility would increase because of this. I wonder if not only the age of the woman is a factor, but the age of the marriage?
    Bonny recently posted…What’s Your Happy?My Profile

    • I have read that female libido may be greatly affected by the ratio of testosterone to progesterone. Progesterone drops during peri-menopause, resulting in a libido friendly T:P ratio.
      The T:P ratio also nicely explains the common sex drive changes during a woman’s cycle, including the spike some women have just before menstruation – both hormones are dropping at that point, but the T:P ration gets better.
      Estrogen also plays a part of course, making it even more difficult to get a clear picture.

      I agree the age of the marriage is also a factor, and there is certainly a synergy there.

    • Absolutely. The pill hurts a woman’s sex drive in two ways. It blocks testosterone production in the ovaries and increases production of sex hormone binding globulin, which binds to testosterone, making it inactive. So the woman has less T and less of what she has it free.

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