Owner’s Manual Not Included

Many (most?) husbands have no idea what their wife wants sexually. Those who understand this are frustrated. It is even worse for men who do not know they do not know, and for those men’s wives.

Porn is often blamed because it teaches men things that are not true for real women. While this is a valid point, porn is just filling the vacuum of male understanding of female sexuality. 

Male sexuality if simple. We know when we are aroused because erections are hard to ignore. We know what arouses us for the same reason. Our sex organs are easily seen and easily accessed. Beyond the hardware, our minds are simple to when it comes to sex. Things like tiredness and stress rarely interfere with the sexual desire and function of a young or middle age man. Recent arguments or a lack of connection does not reduce our desire to be sexual with the woman we love. For us getting naked is more than enough foreplay, and going straight for our sex organs is encouraged.

Her Bits - An Owner's Manual © Viacheslav Krisanov | Dreamstime.com

Women are not the same way! If a man applies the golden rule to sex his wife will not be impressed. What he wants is not what she wants. How he wants it does not work for her. Learning this truth is a start, but it does not give a man any clue about how a woman wants sex. Young men eager to know how to seduce a woman grab anything that seems to offer suggestions. Porn, movies and TV, popular books and the “wisdom” of friends are amassed. Long before he has a chance to put any of it to use, a teenage boy thinks he has assembled an owner’s manual for what lies between a woman’s legs. Usually he is wrong – very wrong. (Starting with the problem of focusing between the legs instead of between the ears.)

All of this is to help you understand why your husband is so clueless about your sexuality. I hear from men all the time who want me to explain their wife’s sexual secrets.

  • How do I entice her to want sex?
  • How can I help her get aroused? How can I ensure she has a climax?
  • Why does she suddenly lose interest or stop feeling pleasure? 

I offer what help I can, but there is a problem. A women’s sexuality is far more individual than  a man’s is. What drives one woman crazy with desire, drives another woman away from sex. What arouses one woman bores another. What gives one woman screaming orgasms makes another scream, “What are you doing!?”.

You are one of a kind, and only you can provide him with an “owner’s manual” of your sexuality. Please teach him, for both of your sakes. Are you are unsure what you want or what works for you? I bet your husband would be thrilled to help you explore. Trial and error will get you there if you are willing to give him feedback. Tell him what feels good and what feels great. Also be clear about what feels just okay and what does not feel good. Do the same to help him understand what gets you in the mood and what turns you off.

One other thing may be a factor in this. Some men are not good at admitting they do not have a clue – especially when they think they should know something. Positive re-enforcement when he does something you like will help here. You can try to change things by saying “When you _____ it was nice, but I wonder if _____ would be even better.”

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2 Comments on “Owner’s Manual Not Included

  1. Thank you. My husband is very eager to please but unfortunately expects my arousal to follow the same patterns as his and “goes straight for the sex organs” and I’ve been a little frustrated about my failures in trying to communicate my differences and needs in this area. I may be in the minority of women-higher drive than my husband, very sexually confident and uninhibited, arguments drive me to want to reconnect sexually plus I’m the one who starts feeling emotionally disconnected if we go more than one night without intimacy-but I still need plenty of foreplay to feel fully aroused and to get full enjoyment out of sex and being the higher drive spouse I think I’ve held off fully explaining my needs and focus on being grateful he is almost always willing to have sex when I initiate. I will have “quickies” but intercourse alone rarely (for any men who happen to be reading rarely as in nearly 0% of the time and I LOVE to have sex with my husband!) brings me to any kind of sexual fulfillment so do it solely for my husband’s enjoyment-and then he is frustrated that I am not able to orgasm or if he’s determined that I will it takes much longer and more work and frustration for both of us. I’ve tried to gently explain to him what I need and how and why. We are able joke about our differences–he’ll ask why I take longer to be ready and I’ll tell him “No clue. Ask God!” Or I’ll tell him I’m a woman and I’m certain he’s very happy with my female anatomy :-) I think after reading this I’ve done a good job telling him what feels good but not so much with what feels just ok or what’s not really doing much for me.

    Wives~Sheila Wray Gregoire has a great article on foreplay with a funny video comedienne Amanda Gore did on male and female differences that might help to show your husband and have a laugh together when trying to bring this delicate subject up.


    • You bring up an interesting point – wanting sex does not mean ready to do it. Arousal is a process and skipping parts does not work well.
      I know some women can sometimes skip foreplay, but it is not the norm even for those women.
      And yes, the Amanda Gore bit is great!
      Paul Byerly recently posted…Friday Flashback: The Toilet Paper Holder is UpMy Profile

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