Many (most?) husbands have no idea what their wife wants sexually. Those who know they have no idea are frustrated. It’s even worse for men who don’t know they don’t know, and for those men’s wives.

Porn is often blamed because it teaches men things that are not true for real women. While this is a valid point, porn is just filling the vacuum of male understanding of female sexuality. 

Male sexuality is simple. We know when we are aroused because erections are difficult to ignore. We know what arouses us for the same reason. Our orgasms are obvious to us and our wives. Our sex organs are easily seen and easily accessed. Beyond the hardware, our minds are also simple when it comes to sex. Things like tiredness and stress rarely interfere with the sexual desire and function of a young or middle age man. Recent arguments or a lack of connection doesn’t reduce our desire to be sexual with the woman we love. For us, getting naked is more than enough foreplay, and going straight for our sex organs is encouraged.

Women are not the same way! If a man applies the golden rule to sex, his wife will not be impressed. What he wants is not what she wants. How he wants it doesn’t work for her. Learning this truth is a start, but it doesn’t give a man any clue about how his wife wants sex. Young men eager to know how to seduce a woman grab anything that seems to offer suggestions. Porn, movies and TV, popular books and the “wisdom” of friends are amassed. Long before he has a chance to put any of it to use, a teenage boy thinks he has assembled an owner’s manual for what lies between a woman’s legs. Usually he is wrong – very wrong. (Starting with the problem of focusing between the legs instead of between the ears.)

All of this is to help you understand why your husband is so clueless about your sexuality. I hear from men all the time who want me to explain their wife’s sexual secrets.

• How do I entice her to want sex?
• How can I help her get aroused?
• Why does she suddenly lose interest or stop feeling pleasure? 
• How can I ensure she has a climax?
• WHAT AM I DOING WRONG?

I offer what help I can, but there’s a problem. Women’s sexuality is far more individual than men’s. What drives one woman crazy with desire, drives another woman away from sex. What arouses one woman bores another. What gives one woman screaming orgasms makes another scream, “What are you doing!?”.

You’re one of a kind, and only you can provide him with an “owner’s manual” of your sexuality. Please teach him, for both of your sakes. Are you unsure what you want, or what works for you? I bet your husband would be thrilled to help you explore. Trial and error will get you there if you’re willing to give him feedback. Tell him what feels good and what feels great. Additionally, be clear about what feels just okay and what doesn’t feel good. Do the same to help him understand what gets you in the mood and what turns you off.

One other thing may be a factor in this. Some men aren’t good at admitting they don’t have a clue – especially when they think they should know something. Positive re-enforcement when he does something you like will help here. You can try to change things by saying, “When you _____ it was nice, but I wonder if _____ would be even better.”

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