You Might be Sexually Normal If…

This post is a bit different. While I will touch on your husband some, my goal here is to help you see you are “normal”, not broken, or defective.

As I read the results of a couple of our recent surveys, (Female Orgasm During Intercourse and Multiple Orgasms) I realised once again how messed up we are about sex. Porn and society have so skewed our understanding we tend to see normal people as broken. Because we do not usually talk openly about sex, especially in Christian circles, we have no way of knowing what is normal for real individuals and couples. As a result, women with normal sex organs think they are “deformed” and women with normal sexual desire and function think they are defective. Men are similarly confused, both about their own sexuality and that of women.

My goal here is to give you a base line, with our surveys to back me up. Based on other surveys we have done we know most of our respondents are mostly Christian, and as a group more serious about their faith than the average church goer. We also know the women are more sex positive than Christian women are in general. Based on those facts, I would say the women in our survey are “above average”.

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Intercourse Alone Usually Not Enough

A third of the women in our survey have never had an orgasm during intercourse without some added stimulation. Another 29% have only done so only a few times. Climax from intercourse alone was the norm (at least 60% of the time) for only one woman in six.

Bottom Line: Most women cannot climax from intercourse alone.

Add Something Clitoral

Adding clitoral stimulation (her hand, his hand, or a vibrator) to intercourse improves things greatly. Eight-nine percent of women have climaxed this way, and just over half can do so at least 60% of the time they have intercourse.

Bottom Line : Needing a bit more than thrusting is normal.

Once, Twice, Three Times a Lady?

Most men who care at all about their wife sexually would like her to climax repeatedly every time they have sex. Based on everything I have read, including our surveys, this is an individual preference issue for women. Some women find it easy, some find it difficult, and some have never done it. What’s more, some who can say they would rather not. As one woman said, “I feel totally and completely fulfilled after one — and at that point not interested at all in pursuing another.” On the other hand, another woman said, “I have never had less than 2 orgasms in our entire marriage.” Some women say going for more than one takes away from sex, while others would feel cheated with only one. Some women who do have multiples feel like it on some occasions but not others. Some can have multiples sometimes, but not other times, and have no idea why.

Bottom Line: Every woman is different on this, and whatever you want is right and normal for you.

Sex? Sure. Orgasm? Not Tonight.

Most women have times when they want to have sex, or are willing to have sex, but do not want to orgasm. Men do not understand this, but most can learn to accept and respect it. In our survey on this, 22% of women said they want to orgasm every time they have sex. Another 35% said they want to climax at least 90% of the time. Only 10% wanted to orgasm 50% or less of the time.

Bottom Line: Being sometimes satisfied with no climax sex is a normal thing for most women.

You Are Unique

Female sexuality is not one-size-fits-all. The range of orgasmic experience in men is narrow, both from one time to the next and from one man to another. For women the range is much greater, from time to time and woman to woman. If your husband had sex with another woman before you, he will be confused because you will be different. If he expects you to be the same today as you were last week, he will be confused. Some of your sexual responses can change, some cannot. Some could change but should not.

For some reason God made female sexuality less uniform than male sexuality. For women “normal sexuality” is a wide continuum, not a bull’s eye. My suggestion is to stop worrying about what other women want, feel, and enjoy. Focus on your desires and your body; learn to receive sexual pleasure from your husband, and give him the same.

Bottom Line: There is nothing wrong with you. God made you unique and wonderful. Society wants to push you into something you are not… please fight back!

The Variations are Physical Too

No two women look alike. This is true for both faces and vulvas. The variation is genitals is actually very wide. Unfortunately, porn has led to the idea of the “perfect vulva”. Even worse, no adult woman naturally looks like the supposed ideal. Surgery to try to look like the ideal is increasingly common. My wonderful wife addressed this a while ago in her Don’t Do It! post.

By the way, recent research is suggesting physical differences can affect a woman’s sexual function. The ability to orgasm from intercourse with no added clitoral stimulation seems related to the distance between the vagina and the clitoris. Differences in the size, placement, or sensitivity of the G-Spot are likely why some woman climax from certain positions (rear entry in particular) while other women do not.

Bottom Line: Learn to love and enjoy what you have, and encourage your husband to do the same. In my experience, men do not care what their wife’s genitals look like – they just want to enjoy them. He wants sex to be great for you, and if you guide him, he will likely be an eager student.

~ Paul – I’m XY, and I really like my XX gal!

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14 Comments on “You Might be Sexually Normal If…

  1. This is really helpful information, Paul. Thanks for sharing it. For many years I felt like there was something wrong with me because my sexuality wasn’t the same as my husband’s. It wasn’t a conscious thought, but sort of an underlying idea in the back of my mind. In any event, it certainly wasn’t a helpful or productive way of thinking!
    Gaye @CalmHealthySexy recently posted…Welcome to the Let’s Get Real Party #45My Profile

    • I felt this way, too, Gaye, and so did my husband. We are having to completely relearn
      my sexuality.

      I also thought something was wrong with me because I wasn’t like I thought other women are in some of these areas. I was angry and felt “off” about myself as a woman. It amazes me how even now, after all these years, reading something like this can add a piece of healing to a wound I didn’t even know I still had.
      Chris recently posted…You Reap What You SowMy Profile

      • The few women who function more like men (10% or less I’d say) tend to be more vocal because they are not embarrassed. So their voice is disproportionally loud, making it even worse for the majority.
        Paul Byerly recently posted…Friday Flashback: Prayer SwappingMy Profile

  2. “If he expects you to be the same today as you were last week, he will be confused.”

    Thank you for affirming the normalcy of this. My husband and I have 4 kids, and while he has been very patient and loving with me, *I* felt confused about my own sexual preferences and appetites following the birth of each of our children. Good to know I’m not the only one!
    Abra recently posted…Confessing Our Sins TogetherMy Profile

  3. Pingback: Behind Closed Doors | Mere Breath

  4. It is indeed so difficult a concept to grasp that a woman might pass on having an orgasm. For men, it’s just peas and carrots. Sex and orgasms go together. I haven’t checked out the surveys yet and may be asking an already answered question. Do women who masturbate and ARE CAPABLE of having an orgasm when doing so ever NOT go for the orgasm? If there are capable wives who WILL pass during sex, will they also do so when masturbating? Or, when they finally determine to masturbate is it all about pleasure, tension release and subsequent orgasm? Seriously wondering.
    Dan recently posted…Duty Sex: Drive-thru Versus BuffetMy Profile

    • Well… since you asked… I hope this isn’t TMI!

      It’s easy to get sore and tired from intercourse. Being uncomfortable = more difficulty with climax. Not even the best husband can read minds… so it’s possible to get more and more uncomfortable without really realizing it. Additionally, for whatever reason, climaxing from intercourse is EXHAUSTING, no matter how quickly it happens.

      It’s a lot harder to get sore when masturbating because you don’t do things you find uncomfortable, and usually a lot easier to orgasm and not as tiring (the orgasm itself is also WAY different, in a way that I’m not sure most men can understand because they can’t experience it at all).

      • E- Thank you for your input. I know it’s just one woman’s experience and there may be more reasons to be heard, but I see this remark in print a lot but have never seen a woman come forth and say what some reasons may be. If you have a persistent husband, explain the soreness to him and if he still doesn’t get it, give him a round of dry, aggressive masturbation in which you slide over the head and back down again repeatedly. The corona can get very irritated quickly from the constant, rapid dry friction and be uncomfortable. Without lubrication, the desire for orgasm is suppressed, though not necessarily so much in older men who suffer lose of sensitivity and mild irritation can become a form of sensitivity in its own right.

        I have never heard “exhausting” and “no matter how quickly” in the same sentence until now. I wonder if that is just you or most women? Another thing I would not have expected.

        “(the orgasm itself is also WAY different, in a way that I’m not sure most men can understand because they can’t experience it at all).” Please women, stop tormenting us with this little piece of information all of you toss out so casually. You KNOW what your doing teasing us with your orgasmic superiority and you love doing it. :)
        We are so envious of this ability that we see no reason for the phrase “penis envy” any longer. It’s handy to have one in public restrooms or in the woods, but being mono-orgasmic makes sex for almost all men ABOUT the orgasm. If we had your ability and knew we could have 3 or more (notice I just went ahead and passed over 2) orgasms, sex could be more about the experience than the prize for us. If you ever wonder why your husband seems to dawdle during oral as your jaws begin to ache, that’s why. “How long can I stretch out this so sublime pleasure?” FYI If you find your jaws aching and don’t have TMJ, 1) suck less and less aggressively when you do; save it for the home stretch and use you hands around the shaft, base and testicles with the head only in your mouth and 2) plan on being there for as long as you would like him to do oral on you.

        If you begin by planning for the long haul you can budget your most aggressive energies for the proper moments. Oh, and you can actually cheat by substituting a lot of moaning, and sloppy, slurppy noises for heavy physical effort. When he hears that, he gets excited quicker and deeper because most of the pleasure of sex takes place in the big head, not the small one.
        Dan recently posted…Happy AnniversaryMy Profile

    • Masturbation is pretty much about orgasm. It could be because of a need for release, a desire for pleasure, stress relief, or help getting to sleep, but orgasm is usually the reason for masturbation. Sex with a spouse is far more than just wanting or needing an orgasm, and there are many things to enjoy about sex apart from orgasm.
      For most men sex without orgasm is usually a problem. They become sufficiently aroused they need the release. Most (but not all) women can at times (but not always) enjoy sex without getting sufficiently aroused to need climax then and there. They can enjoy many of the other pleasures of sex with a spouse without the orgasm.
      Some men have experienced this on occasion. Older men may find they cannot easily climax two days in a row, but can get an erection. This allows them to enjoy the other aspects of sex without getting aroused enough to need climax. Some men also experience this when they are physically exhausted.
      Paul Byerly recently posted…A Common Goal, Separate PathsMy Profile

  5. I accept my unique sexuality, but the problem is hubby does not. He is frustrated by it and actually thinks God got it wrong somehow. It would be so much easier if I did orgasm quickly through intercourse like he does. He doesn’t like how long it takes. He doesn’t want to rub (manual) or lick (oral). Too much work….too varying. So my sexuality is left entirely in my hands (literally) and he just provides the body parts for extra stimulation.

    It is very discouraging and I often ask God why he created intercourse to work so easily for men but not work at all for many women. And then I get stuck with a man who doesn’t get it and refuses to get it. And some days it is so frustrating and does take so much effort I just want to cry and quit and I wish hubby would just let me relax and take good care of me.

    • I wanted to add, I know I am not broken, but hubby seems to think and act like I am.

    • I am so sorry for your situation!
      If men and women both got aroused fast and climaxed quickly during intercourse, sex would be a 5 minute process for most. Not much fun if you ask me. Prolonged foreplay and intercourse are far more enjoyable. I think God made men “fast” to encourage regular sex, and women “slow” to encourage long deeply pleasurable sex.
      Your husband is not only cheating you out of great sex, he is cheating himself. He has no idea how great lovemaking can be as he has settled for a cheep knock-off.
      Paul Byerly recently posted…A Common Goal, Separate PathsMy Profile

      • The question is, Paul, what do I do about it? We’ve talked ad nauseum. I’ve pulled up books, scientific studies, etc etc etc. He. Just. Doesn’t. Get. It. I ask that any who reads this rallies in prayer that the holy spirit wakes him up and he realizes God’s design for sex between us.

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