You’re shopping with your child, and s/he expresses a desire for “Air Puffed Chocolate Sugar Orbs”, a new cereal. You say no, and your child has a full-scale meltdown right there in the store.

Your child’s desire for food is normal, as is their craving for sugar. What’s not normal is the extreme desire for a cereal they have never tasted. That extreme desire comes from commercials telling your child Air Puffed Chocolate Sugar Orbs is the best cereal ever invented. Everyone is eating it, and only a horrible parent would deny their child this gastronomical delight.

You see where I’m going here, right? Your husband wants all manner of sex acts. “You want that because you saw it in porn” may sound right to you, but it’s not. God gave him a strong sex desire. God also gave him a sexual curiosity capable of dreaming up unusual sex acts all on his own. What porn gave him was an extreme desire for “the greatest sex acts ever invented”. Everyone’s doing it, and only a horrible wife would deny her husband such orgasmic delights.

You should know from what I said yesterday that I get how harmful porn is. I’m not going to tell you your husband’s porn use is no big deal. I’m also not going to tell you to “just get over it”. He needs to own what he did. Additionally, he needs to understand how much he hurt you, your marriage, and your sex life. However, if you removed from your sex life everything he ever saw in porn, you could never have any kind of sex ever again. If you’re willing to engage in some sex acts he saw in porn, then “You saw it in porn” is not fair to reject other sex acts because he saw them in porn.

That said, “Seeing it in porn has made you want it so much you scare me” is a perfectly valid reason to say no. Saying no to his porn fueled lust is far different from saying no to an act plenty of women are willing to do, enjoy, or crave. Just be clear what you are saying no to and why. Help him understand the problem is that his attitude is still twisted by porn. Explain you’ll be far more open to try new things when he sees you as more than a female body he can use to try something new.

Of course, this assumes you’d be willing to try new things if he got past his porn fed attitude. If this isn’t the case, ask yourself why, and figure out what is feeding your attitude. God created sex to be a blessing for husband and wife, to be enjoyed physically, mentally, and emotionally. If you don’t feel this is true, then your ideas about sex may be as far from God’s ideal as your husband’s. Just as he needs him to deal with the lies he believes, you need to deal with any lies you believe.

~ Paul – I’m XY, and I REALLY hate porn! 

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