I asked my wonderful wife to write this based on a discussion we had. Enjoy… 

Paul and I often discuss marriage related topics. Porn comes up fairly often and one day he asked me, “How would you respond if you found out I was looking at porn?”

I laughed. That’s so not likely to happen, but then I realized he really wanted to know. My answer goes something like this.

I would start by giving him a hug. I’d tell him that I believe in him and that this is just one more problem we will face and deal with. Life is like that.

While this would certainly be a painful situation to face, I think I would major on the positives. He chose to come clean with me. He’s being vulnerable with me. He wants to fix a problem in our marriage. He’s willing to work at this.

In the long run I would encourage him to get some kind of accountability and we’d spend time talking about his life – what he’s hungry for and why he chose to feed that hunger with porn. I’d do what I could to help him look for ways to legitimately feed his hungers. (Porn isn’t always just about sexual hunger. A lot of guys turn to porn when they’re tired, lonely, bored, etc.)

I don’t want y’all to think I wouldn’t be bothered by it personally. No doubt I would have (more than?) a few private fussy moments with God. Problems of any kind suck, and porn use can be a hard pattern to break. I would probably have a moment or two being rattled that I might not be enough for Paul sexually, though I think I could set it down (over the years I’ve figured out that what people say and do is really more about them, than it is me).

While sexual problems feel more personal, a problem is a problem is a problem. I’d handle it like anything else we would face in life. Pray. Think it through. Try a few things. Reevaluate. Pray some more. Keep working on it until we feel we have dealt with the real issues and have a lifestyle that is healthy and whole (with a few safeguards in place just to keep an eye on that weak spot).

My favorite resource: False Intimacy by Dr. Harry Schaumburg (paperback or Kindle)

The subtitle is Understanding the Struggle of Sexual Addiction. This is an insightful book that can help you understand the mechanics of porn use and how to walk toward restoration. It includes a chapter on porn proofing your kids.

I (Paul) realise some of the above is based on relationship factors Lori and I have developed, which not all couples have. That not withstanding, what she outlines would make it much easier for a man to be honest about and deal with his problem.

~ Paul – I’m XY, and I have a great XX!

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