Maybe He Really Needs More Sex

If you are regularly blowing his mind, you can skip this. If you want more and he is unwilling, I am deeply sorry. For the rest of you…

What if he really needs as much sex as he says he needs?

First, we must define what I mean by “need”. I know no one has ever died from a lack of sex. I know life will go on. No one ever died from a lack of being told I love you, or from never getting a date night, or from never receiving gifts. However, marriages do die from a lack of all those things, including a lack of sex.

Man upset about sex  © Ambro |

For most men, sex says, “I love you” in a special and unique way. Nothing can take its place. Often saying no to sex communicates, “I neither love nor respect you”. If you want him to think you love him, have sex with him. If you want him to question your love, hold back. You can dislike this as much as you want, but it is a reality you cannot change because it is hard wired into his male brain.

Beyond this, he needs sex to connect with you. You want to connect emotionally before you have sex, which is how God made you. He connects emotionally by having sex, which is how God made him. I am not saying he cannot make an emotional connection without sex, but sex makes a deeper emotional connection possible. He needs a solid emotional connection with you, and sex is a necessary part of making it happen.

Finally, he has a physical need. In a recent poll, we ran on which sex acts men find most pleasurable, men rated masturbation (doing it themselves) as the least physically pleasurable. Yet, 80% of men masturbate in any given month, and overall it was the second most common way men reached climax. They are not doing it because they enjoy it; they are doing it because they feel they must. 

I know there are many voices telling wives to have more sex. I hate being one more in that group, but this is a major marriage issue, and I cannot in good conscience ignore it. I hope you can accept this is a need, and ignoring it is destructive to marriage.

If you are looking for more information on this topic, I highly recommend Chris’ blog The Forgiven Wife.

~ Paul – I’m XY, and I’ve lived both the good and bad of this one.

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4 Comments on “Maybe He Really Needs More Sex

  1. Hi I have been married for 13 years now….and from my experience as well has many woman that I know of, men are emotionally lazy. We keep on receiving teaching and ministry on how to be good wives…give your husband more sex, do this do that and nothing ever changes on their part….at least not long term. Give him what he needs so he can give you what you need never works out…..

    I enjoy have sex with my husband but we have needs as well and for me….I feel the scales are imbalanced.

    • I do not disagree with what you are seeing, but I would not use the word lazy. I think it is a gender difference issue. What men do works fine with other men. The problem is it does not work well with most women. Men need to learn how to emotionally relate to women, especially the one they have married!

      BTW, I’ve been trying to educate men on these things for over a decade!
      Paul Byerly recently posted…Friday Flashback: Five Word BlessingsMy Profile

    • @ Eve
      “nothing ever changes on their part….at least not long term. Give him what he needs so he can give you what you need never works out…..”

      I haven’t been writing on this a long as Paul but I have been studying about it for quite a while. I am optimistic things will get better between men and women but I don’t feel it is going to happen quickly in large numbers and it won’t be consistent during the process. I am sorry it has yet to work out for you, but I both caution and admonish you as to your use of the words “ever” and “never.” There are no nuclear missiles in Cuba, the Berlin wall no longer stands, the Twin Towers no longer stand, Bin Laden is dead, America is not under the colonial rule of Great Britain, Hitler is no longer exterminating Jews and gypsies, the Catholic church has acknowledged a dark history of child molestation, the USSR is no longer the USSR, abortion is legal, recreational pot is legal in some states, gay marriage is being legalized in some states and that is just the tip of the once-upon-a-time “NEVER” iceberg, for better or worse. Given the odds against the aforementioned problems being resolved at their time in history, I wouldn’t go out on the skinny limb of saying “never” about marital relations improving.

      I do agree that it is difficult for either sex to be consistent with long-lasting change, especially when there can be “less or nothing in it for me” or “I’m waiting for them to go first” and “we’ve tried it for a month and it isn’t working.” Like Paul, I don’t agree with the characterization of “lazy” and give you the benefit of the doubt that you were being editorially hyperbolic with your description out of frustration. Citing the above attitudes, I feel both sides could lay claim to the “lazy” crown because both sides use those same arguments as an excuse to throw in the towel. They forgot no one said it would be easy, be fair and that they agreed to “for better or worse” on occasion. Life isn’t fair, but individually WE can be. I wonder what would happen if parent’s gave up on their problem children and stopped showing love as easily, as often, as quickly, as pessimistically as spouses are willing to do to one another? We are all “lazy” perhaps. God showed His grace by sending His Son for the cross. Even though we were not worthy, what if he had asked one of us “lazy” folks. Who would not have asked, “What’s in it for me,” instead of “What’s in it for my brother or sister?” Yeah, maybe we are all “lazy” when it comes to unconditional love and the marriage covenant, but I refuse to accept it can “never” change.
      Through Christ we have hope, charity, and faith. Let us exercise it, especially with the one we love just a little less than God, Christ and the Holy Spirit.

      That’s why I blog what I do as do people like Paul and Lori, Jennifer, Chris, Bonny, Jenny, Robyn, J, Gaye, Julie, Jay Dee, Bonnie, Brad and Kate and numerous others.
      Dan recently posted…But It Seemed Like Such A Good Idea at the Time: Part SixMy Profile

  2. “marriages do die from a lack of all those things, including a lack of sex.”

    Very well put, Paul. There are so many voices saying it because so few seem to be listening and acting on it, even when there are women like Chris who are saying it so truthfully and eloquently. I don’t ignore that men need to do more heavy lifting here, but it is folly to ignore that not acting until the playing field is level will damage the marriage. Masturbation is an functional option, not a solution, and it’s a lousy option.
    Dan recently posted…But It Seemed Like Such A Good Idea at the Time: Part SixMy Profile

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