Free Him to be Himself

Over on The Generous Husband I will be writing a good deal this year about men becoming the man they want to be. “Coincidentally” Lori is doing something similar on The Generous Wife. We did not actually discuss or plan this, but given it is what God has been doing with both of us for the last couple of years it’s no surprise we both decided to blog about it.

Be yourself, everyone else is taken. © maxmitzu |

You can help or hinder your husband becoming the man he wants to be. Do you believe that? Do you think he does what he wants and what you think or want has no impact? 

Given the way marriages usually work, I suspect he has more of an impact on your being who you want to be than you have on him. However, this does not mean he is free of your influence. Everyone in our life has an effect on us, and the closer someone is, the greater the effect. Duration of relationship and amount of time spent together are also factors, and you have or will have those going for you.

However, influence is not the same thing as control. In trying to prevent him from doing something, you might cause him to do something you are even more opposed to him doing. You will have influenced him, but not controlled him. Affecting who he is and who he becomes is much the same way. You may not succeed at making him who you want him to be, but your efforts might push him away from who he wants to be.

Assuming he is a good willed man, his becoming who he wants to be should be good for him, and you. It should be good for your kids and your marriage as well. When we are who we think we should be, we are happy and satisfied with our lives. This makes us more loving, more giving, and a good deal more fun to be around. When we are not who we think we should be, we feel bad about ourselves and we tend to project that on those around us.

If we think someone is preventing us from being who we want to be, we do not feel loving towards them!

There are three options here:

  1. Your husband sees you as being behind him becoming the man he wants to be.
  2. He sees you as being an obstacle to becoming who he wants to be. 
  3. He sees you as neither for nor against him becoming the man he wants to be.

Only one of those is good for your marriage, and one is very bad.

~ Paul – I’m XY and I want to be me!

New Feature Survey Results: With 99 votes in, 85% say yes and only 2% say no. So we are a go – details soon. A number of you wanted to receive these additional posts by email or RSS, so I will set up a separate feed for it. One thing I had not thought about was comments – thanks to a friend for asking about it. Given the nature of the sexual how to posts, I think comments could easily become a problem. Might set up a contact form going to Lori and me, but comments will be closed.

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4 Comments on “Free Him to be Himself

  1. This post comes on the tail of a realization I just had. I have been upset for years that modern media seems to have affected how my husband thinks I should be sexually. Porn, magazines, movies all show and praise that kind of woman who is ready and able on a whim and O’s quickly, mutually. We’ve discussed it, and have been working on that wrongful perception.

    However, I realized that I have a wrong perception from media, too….my husband should like certain acts/things…be higher drive, more adventerous, stronger, etc. I must let that go and see him and his sexuality for how God truly made it to be. Only when we both do that…give up wrongful perceptions both of ourselves and each other…will we find our God-given satisfying sex life.

  2. This comment goes to the New Feature survey results update. I have had to consider this same question if I were to do a more direct sister blog and pretty much came up with the same solution. I think you should keep comments open though for those who are willing to do so. Their comments may expand the dialog or challenge the thoughts of those hesitant to comment.
    Dan recently posted…Her Sex Is Broken and I Gotta Fix It: Part 2 — OrgasmsMy Profile

    • One of the concerns with comments is people who will share way too much about their sex life. Be it because they are excited or voyeuristic, it can easily happen (saw it all to often when we were on the TMB message boards).
      The bigger issue is the section will attract a lot of eyes, including some who are not Christian, and some who are anti-Christian. That opens up all kinds of junk in comments. Moderating every comment would be an option.
      Still praying about it!
      Paul Byerly recently posted…Friday Flashback: Love Her, Love Her KidsMy Profile

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